The Story of Lansing Lotte (31 page)

My father had apparently demanded that my sister follow me. It had snowed the night before and the weather was cold. The streets were busy and the roads were icy. A drunk driver, celebrating the holiday at ten in the morning, slammed into them, killing my sister on impact and my father within hours. The hours I had been wandering around the city, my father who had been chasing after me was suffering, while I pouted about a man who wasn’t even worth it.”

My eyes were dry. I had cried them all out years ago for Sara and for my father, even for Josh. Not only from the heartbreak he caused me, but the loss he would have in his life because he wouldn’t claim his daughter. Lansing slowly rubbed up and down my back and I flinched at the contact. He stopped and held his hand on the small of my back. I continued my story.

“When my father died I inherited two things: his apartment and Fleur. The apartment was paid in full and left in my name, knowing that the other apartment was in Sara’s name. Upon her death I had to sell her place and claim her daughter, whom fell to me by default. My mother refused to take Fleur in. Her own grandmother denied this child, again. I had no choice and I took Fleur as my penance. I had to drop out of NYU for the rest of the semester and go through a long struggle with social services. My mother had rights to adopt Fleur and she signed them over to me. I was hardly twenty years old at the time, and I knew nothing about being a parent. I wasn’t doing it full time like Sara. I was the aunt, the babysitter, the fun one. Sara disciplined. I played. Suddenly, I was both.”

I watched Fleur as she danced over the graves of her ancestors. I laughed bitterly to think of some idiom about dancing on graves. It was used for enemies and a sign of celebration for their death by revenge.
What do you call it when you dance on the graves of family members after you bear the guilt of their death?

I looked at my watch again. Lansing looked down at my wrist, also.

“Time to go, Fleur,” I said to her and smiled when she looked at me. My sister’s face.  Fleur looked exactly like her and I could have cried, if I had any tears left.

Lansing walked behind us quietly then reached around me to open the door of his fancy sports car. Fleur climbed in the back and I buckled her in before getting in the front. Lansing still held my door while I was seated then closed it. He turned to look back at my family’s gravesite for a moment. I couldn’t imagine his thoughts. Maybe he thought of some family members of his. He hadn’t mentioned anyone other than his foster mother, Vivian. Maybe he thanked heaven that Arturo wasn’t in that cemetery. We hadn’t discussed the fact that we had both seen Arturo.

He entered the car and started the ignition, saying, “Friends next?”  He looked over at me with a raised eyebrow. I tweaked my lip to the side then nodded. I gave him directions to go back into the city and I told him to return to
Dolores Guard
. He didn’t say anything until we were back at the building. The expression on his face showed his confusion.

“You’re celebrating with someone in the building.”

“Not yet,” I said. We exited the garage and walked toward the newly restored elevator.  Lansing stopped, but I kept walking.

“Wait? Where are you going? I thought it was here.”

I shook my head as I took Fleur’s hand again.

“Nope, we only came back here to get a cab.”

Lansing narrowed his eyes at me.

“I said I’d drive you.” His voice had a trace of anger.

“I know, but we don’t need to drive a great distance. It’s easier to take a cab. Plus that fancy car would stand out where we are going.”

Lansing looked at me, then Fleur before he glanced out the revolving door of the building, and sighed.

“Okay,” was all he said as he walked to the circular glass and held his hand out for us to go first.

I didn’t like the way things were going. Lila kept trying to get rid of me, and I kept forcing my way into her day. It had been sad so far. I couldn’t remember the last time I entered a church. I kept waiting for lightning bolts to hit and start the place on fire with me inside. I didn’t belong there praising heaven, because I knew I was going straight to hell for my sins lately. Lila was lost to me for that hour. She wasn’t exactly into it religiously either, but I could tell she was struggling with something. 

Nothing prepared me for the drive into a cemetery. When she said family, I hadn’t even imagined that she meant those that had died. I knew her mother was an absentee, somewhere in Florida. Other than a few comments here and there, I got the impression Lila and her mother weren’t close. She seemed sad as she stared at the headstones of her father and sister. The guilt visibly ate at her. It matched my own, in many ways. I hadn’t killed Arturo, but he would be dead to me if he knew what I’d done. He was my brother, in many ways, and I had slept with his girl, like Josh Tucker had done with Lila’s sister. My guilty cup overflowed, and I understood slightly why Lila reacted the way she did – defending Arturo and all. She could sympathize with him.

I, however, sympathized with Sara, in more ways than one. Blood drained, bone tired, dead inside, I had no emotion for anything anymore. I could empathize further with Sara, because I understood that fighting the attraction was right and giving in was wrong. I also knew, that in the heat of the moment, Sara probably believed accepting the desire felt right, despite knowing it was wrong. It was a heavy concept. I didn’t feel any better about what I’d done.

I knew one thing. I didn’t want to be alone. A holiday without the band was going to be hard enough. A day alone, thinking about Guinie, would be beyond painful. I needed a distraction, and Lila and Fleur filled that for me. I couldn’t imagine where we were going next on our adventure. I could sense that Lila was getting anxious. She clearly didn’t want me around and I desperately continued to invade her space.

I shouldn’t have been shocked when our next stop was a homeless shelter for women. Lila entered the place and was immediately embraced by a large woman with a bit of a French accent. Her name was Marie and as we stood in the kitchen, I inhaled the most delicious smell.

“What is that?” I breathed deeply and crossed the large room to stand near the stove.

“That is not for you, young man.  It’s dinner for a few hundred hungry women.”

I felt guilty again and tried to look repentant with a pouting lip. Marie laughed a jolly giggle.

“Your dimples don’t work on me, mister.”

I laughed and noticed that for the first time that day; Lila was smiling.  Marie turned to stir something on the stove and I walked back toward Lila.

“Friends?” I questioned, and Lila nodded.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“I’m here to help out.”

“What do you do?”

“I serve food.”

I was silent for a second, and Lila passed me while asking Marie where to start.

“Lady Killer over there can help me take out this bird, and carve it up.”

I winced at the name she called me, and knew instantly she recognized me. My eyes met Lila’s with concern, but she shook her head at me to reassure me that Marie was teasing.

Opening the oven door, I was hit with a mouthwatering aroma and I watched as Marie slid a golden turkey out of the stove. I decided if I was to be here, I was going to help.

There wasn’t one morsel of turkey remaining. I tried to snag pieces throughout the afternoon, but Lila warned me that due to health codes I couldn’t just start nibbling.  I had to wear plastic gloves and plate food. I was ogled throughout the day. By day’s end, I felt like I needed a shower. I’d been eye-fucked so much I could smell the sex in the air. I’d look over at Lila, who would only laugh at me as another lady eyed me as if she could eat me for Thanksgiving. A few ladies asked for autographs, and a couple wanted an autograph on inappropriate places. It was depressing, yet strangely rewarding. It reminded me of Ingrid Tintagel and her cause,
WomenFirst
, the group we played for on the night of Arturo’s disappearance. At day’s end, I asked Lila why she did it.

“I try to remind myself that this could have been my sister. When Josh refused to recognize Fleur, she could have been a single mother on her own.”

“That never would have happened, though, with you as her sister,” I added.

“Don’t make me a hero, Lansing. I wasn’t kind to my sister for years, despite helping her raise Fleur.”

Lila was at that point again where she seemed exasperated with me. She’d had her fill of me for the day. She brushed past me with a pot that was clearly too big for her to carry, but her determination showed that she wasn’t letting anyone else help her out.

We stayed a bit longer to help pick up the main eating area, but a new crew of volunteers was there to clean. Thank goodness, as I not only needed that shower from all the glances, but I felt greasy from head to toe from sweating to cut steamy food and serve it. As we were preparing to exit the building through the back kitchen entrance, a large man walked in.

“Lansing?”

“Perk?” I questioned, as he pulled me into a hard hug. 

We had all decided to go our own ways for the holiday. Without Ingrid to unite us, it just didn’t seem like there was much to be thankful for at the time. Perk pulled back and stared at me for a long time.

“You look like shit,” he said and swiped at my long bangs.

“Nice to see you, too,” I laughed.

“What are you doing here?” he replied.

“I should ask you the same, but wait, isn’t this where that girl lives.”

“That girl has a name, and you know it. Hollister.”

“Relax,” I said to his defensive tone, “I only meant she lives here.”

Perk refused to answer my question as Lila came up beside me.

“Who’s this?” he smiled at Lila and then down at Fleur.

“Lila Lovelourne,” Lila said, sticking out a hand without waiting for my introduction. “And this is Fleur.”

“Are you staying here?” Perk said with concern. I realized that I hadn’t considered enough why women were here.

“No, volunteered for the day.”

“And dragged Lansing with you?”

“He volunteered to come.”

“I bet he did,” Perk mumbled under his breath before adding, “that was generous of you, to give of your time, Lansing.”

“I could use the distraction,” I huffed and ran my hands through my hair. We stood in awkward silence for a moment.

“Hello, little flower,” Perk finally said, as he squatted his big body down to Fleur’s size.  Fleur didn’t shake hands with him as she backed into Lila’s legs and looked up at me.

“Fleur, this is Perk. He’s one of my friends. He plays in my band.”

“Do you play the guitar like Mr. Lansing?”

“Mr….what? No, I play the drums. It’s more fun because I get to bang on things.”

Perk made an exaggerated motion on his thighs and through the air. Fleur watched his hands move frantically before he stopped suddenly. He stood slowly and I turned to look over my shoulder. A vision in white stood behind me. Hollister SanGrael looked like an angel, a dark one. Her jet black hair was a striking contrast to the dress she wore which was cream colored to match her skin. But it was her eyes that froze me. Bright gray, they sized me up before she looked at Perk.

“Are you flirting with the help?” she teased Perk.

“Never,” he breathed. He was awkward, at best, with his size and his upbringing. He seemed to miss that she was teasing him, but I could have been wrong because he crossed the floor in two large steps, and kissed her cheek in a way I’d never seen Perk touch any girl. He muttered something only to her and she turned a shade of pink.

She addressed Lila over Perk’s shoulder.

“It was nice of you to take the shift again this year. It’s not the most popular time of day.”

Lila only nodded and smiled sadly again. I had missed something. She was shutting down. She exited the kitchen after a brief reply of, “Happy Thanksgiving.”

I almost had to run to catch up with her. I didn’t know what happened, but she was walking like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

“Whoa, slow down,” I said reaching for her arm. I stopped her with a jolt and Fleur stumbled forward, knocking into Lila.

“Where’s the fire?” I laughed.

“Lansing,” she breathed. “I appreciate that you came to help me today. And I appreciate the ride to the cemetery, but I think Fleur and I need to continue on alone. Why don’t you go back and hang with Perk and those ladies. Or call Guin…”

I grabbed her jaw.

“Don’t say it.”

Her eyes opened wide in fear and I let my hand slip slowly down her neck.

“Lila, I didn’t mean to…”

A tear escaped her eye. She hadn’t cried by her sister’s grave. She hadn’t cried as she told me the truth of what happened. When she explained both how her sister slept with her boyfriend and her sister’s death after a fight. But I had made her cry, somehow, and I hated myself further for it.