The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection (9 page)

My state of black depression was so great that I could scarcely walk. I swayed when our little procession stopped before a heavy door labelled FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, with Director Flynn in smaller gold letters
beneath it. My captors knocked politely and the doorlock buzzed and opened. We filed in.

‘Here he is, sir.’

‘Fine. Secure him to the chair
and I’ll take over from here on out.’

The speaker sat massively behind the massive desk. A big man with sleek black hair, who was made even bigger by the enormous quantity of fat that he was carrying around. His chin, or chins, hung down onto the swelling volume of his chest. The size of his stomach kept him well back from the desk, upon which the fingers of his clasped hands rested like a bundle
of stout sausages. He returned my shifty gaze with his steady and steely one. I made no protest as I was guided to the chair, dropped into it, felt the handcuffs being secured to it, heard footsteps recede and the door slam.

‘You are in very big trouble,’ he intoned.

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said, the impact of my innocence lessened by the squeak and tremor of my voice.

‘You know full
well what I mean. You have committed the crime of theft tonight, purloining the public purse donated by stone-deaf music lovers. But that is the least of your folly, young man. By your age I can tell that you have also purloined the good name of another. The Bishop. You are pretending to be something that you are not. Here, take these.’

Purloined a good name? What in the galaxy was he talking
about? I snatched the keys out of the air by reflex. Gaped at them – then gaped even more broadly at him as I tremblingly unlocked the cuffs.

‘You are not …’ I gurgled. ‘I mean, the arrest, this office, the police … You are …’

He calmly waited for my next words, a beatific smile on his face.

‘You are … The Bishop!’

‘The same. My understanding of the message concealed by your feeble code was
that you wanted to meet me. Why?’

I started to rise and an immense gun appeared in his hand, aimed between my eyes. I dropped back into the chair. The smile was gone, as was all warmth from his voice.

‘I don’t like to be imitated, nor do I like to be played with. I am displeased. You now have three minutes to explain this matter before I kill you then proceed to your hotel room to retrieve the
money you stole this evening. Now the first thing that you will reveal is the location of the rest of the money stolen in my name. Speak!’

I spoke – or rather I tried to speak but could only sputter helplessly. This had a sobering effect. He might kill me – but he was not going to reduce me to helpless jelly first. I coughed to clear my throat, then spoke.

‘I don’t think that you are in too
much of a hurry to kill me – nor do I believe in your three-minute time limit. If you will cease in your attempt to bully me I shall try to tell you carefully and clearly my motives in this matter. Agreed?’

Speaking like this was a calculated risk – but The Bishop was a game player, I knew that now. His expression did not change, but he nodded slightly as though conceding a Pawn move – knowing
that he still had my King well in check.

‘Thank you. I never thought of you as a cruel man. In fact, when I discovered your existence, I used you as a career model. What you have done, what you have accomplished, is without equal in the history of this world. If I offended you by stealing money in your name I am sorry. I will turn all the money from that robbery over to you at once. But if you
will stop to think – it is the only thing that I could do. I had no way of finding you. So I had to arrange things so that you could find me. As you have. I counted upon your curiosity – if not your mercy – not to reveal my identity to the police before you had met me yourself.’

Another nod granted me another Pawn move. The unwavering barrel of the gun informed me that I was still in check.

‘You are the only person alive who knows my identity,’ he said. ‘You will now tell me why I should not kill you. Why did you want to contact me?’

‘I told you – out of admiration. I have decided on a life of crime as the only career open to one of my talents. But I am self-trained and vulnerable. It is my wish to be your acolyte. To study at your knee. To enter the academy of advanced crime in
the wilderness of life with you on one end of the log and me on the other. I will pay whatever price you require for this privilege, though I may need a little time to raise more money since I am turning the receipts of my last two operations over to you. There it is. That is who I am. And, if I work hard enough, you are whom I wish to be.’

The softening gaze, the thoughtful fingers raised to
chin meant I was out of check for the moment. But the game wasn’t won yet – nor did I wish it to be. I wanted only a draw.

‘Why should I believe a word of this?’ he asked at last.

‘Why should you doubt it? What other possible reason could I have?’

‘It is not your motives that disturb me. I am thinking about the possibility of someone else’s, someone in a position of police responsibility who
is using you as a pawn to find me. The man who arrests The Bishop will rise to the top of his chosen profession.’

I nodded agreement as I thought furiously. Then smiled and relaxed. ‘Very true – and that must have been the very first thing to come to your mind. Your office in this building either means that you are high in the ranks of law enforcement, so high that you could easily find out if
this had been the plan. Or – even more proof of your genius – you have ways and means of penetrating the police at any level, to fool them and use them to actually arrest me. My congratulations, sir! I knew that you were a genius of crime – but to have done this, why it borders on the fantastic!’

He nodded his head slowly, accepting his due. Did I see the muzzle of the gun lowered ever so slightly?
Was a drawn game possibly in sight? I rushed on.

‘My name is James Bolivar diGriz and I was born a little over seventeen years ago in this very city in the Mother Machree Maternity Hospital for Unemployed Porcuswineherds. The terminal I see before you must access official files at every level. Bring up mine! See for yourself if what I have told you is not the truth.’

I settled back into the
chair while he tapped commands on the keyboard. I did nothing to distract him nor draw his attention while he read. I was still nervous but worked to affect a surface calm.

Then he was done. He leaned back and looked at me calmly. I didn’t see his hands move – but the gun vanished from sight. Drawn game! But the pieces were still on the board and a new game was beginning.

‘I believe you, Jim,
and thank you for the kind words. But I work alone with no disciples. I was prepared to kill you to preserve the secret of my identity. Now I do not think that will be necessary. I will take your word that you will not look for me again – or use my identity for any more crimes.’

‘I grant your requests instantly. I only became The Bishop to draw your attention. But reconsider, I beg of you, my
application for membership in your academy of advanced crime!’

‘There is no such institution,’ he said, hauling himself to his feet. ‘Applications are closed.’

‘Then let me rephrase my request,’ I said hurriedly, knowing
my remaining time was brief. ‘Let me be personal, if I can, and forgive any distress I may cause. I am young, not yet twenty, and you have been on this planet for over eighty
years. I have been only a few years at my chosen work. And, in this brief time, I have discovered that I am truly alone. What I do I must do for myself and by myself. There is no comradeship of crime because all of the criminals I have seen are incompetents. Therefore I must go it alone. If I am lonely – then dare I even guess at the loneliness of your life?’

He stood stock still, one hand resting
on the desk, staring at the blank wall, as through a window, at something I could not see. Then he sighed, and with the sound, as though it had released some power that kept him erect, he slumped back into the chair.

‘You speak the truth, my boy, and only the truth. I do not wish to discuss the matter, but your barb has been driven well home. Nevertheless what is, will be. I am too old a dog
to change my ways. I bid you farewell, and thank you for a most interesting week. Been a bit like old times.’

‘Reconsider, please!’

‘I cannot.’

‘Give me your address – I must send you the money.’

‘Keep it, you earned it. Though in the future earn it under a different identity. Let The Bishop enjoy his retirement. I will add only one thing, a bit of advice. Reconsider your career ambitions.
Put your great talents to work in a more sociably acceptable manner. In that way you will avoid the vast loneliness you have already noted.’

‘Never!’ I cried aloud. ‘Never. I would rather rot in jail for the rest of my life than accept a role in the society I have so overwhelmingly rejected.’

‘You may change your mind.’

‘There is no chance of that,’ I said to the empty room. The door had closed
behind him and he was gone.

Well that was that. There is nothing like an overwhelming depression to bring one down from the heights of elation. I had done exactly what I had set out to do. My complex plan had worked perfectly. I had unearthed The Bishop from his secret lair and had made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Except he had. Even the pleasure of having pulled off the successful robbery meant nothing.
The bucks were like ashes in my hand. I sat in my room at the hotel and looked into the future and could see only a vast vacuity. I counted the money over and over until the sums were meaningless. In making my plans I had considered all of the possibilities but one – that The Bishop would turn me down. It was kind of hard to take.

By the time I got back to Billville the next day I was wallowing
in a dark depression and thoroughly immersed in the bath of self-pity. Which I normally cannot stand. Nor could I this time. I looked in the mirror at the hollow-eyed and woe begone face and stuck my tongue out at it.

‘Sissy!’ I said. ‘Momma’s boy, whiner, self-indulgent wimp,’ and added whatever other insults I could think of. Having cleansed the air a bit I made a sandwich and a pot of coffee
– no alcohol to clog the synapses! – and sat down to munch and guzzle and think about the future. What next?

Nothing. At least nothing constructive that I could think of at this moment. All of my plans had ended at a blank wall and I could see no way around or over it. I slumped back and snapped my fingers at the 3V. A commercial channel came on and before I could change channels the announcer
appeared in glorious three dimension and colour. I didn’t switch because the announcer was a she and wearing only the flimsiest of swimsuits.

‘Come where the balmy breezes blow,’ she cajoled. ‘Come join me on the silver sands of beautiful Vaticano Beach where the sun and waves will refresh your soul …’

I turned the thing off. My soul was in fine shape and the fine shape of the announcer only
gave me more problems to think about. Future first, heterosexual love later. But the commercial had at least given me the beginning of an idea.

A holiday? Take a break? Why not – lately I had been working harder than any of the businessmen I so badly did not want to become. Crime had paid, and paid nicely, so why didn’t
I spend some of the hard-earned loot? I probably wouldn’t be able to escape
from my problems. I had learned by experience that physical displacement was never a solution. My troubles always went with me, as ever-present and nagging as a toothache. But I could take them with me to some place where I might find the leisure and opportunity to sort them out.

Where? I punched up a holiday guide from the database and flipped through it. Nothing seemed to appeal. The beach?
Only if I could meet the girl from the commercial, which seemed far from likely. Posh hotels, expensive cruises, museum tours, all of them seemed about as exciting as a weekend on a porcuswine ranch. Maybe that was it – I needed a breath of fresh air. As a farm boy I had seen enough of the great outdoors, usually over the top of a pile of porcuswine you-know-what. With that sort of background I had
welcomed my move to the city with open arms – and hadn’t ventured out since.

That might be the very answer. Not back to the farm but into the wilderness. To get away from people and things, to do a little chatting with mother nature. The more I thought of it the better it sounded. And I knew just where I wanted to go, an ambition I had had since I was knee-high to a porcuswinelet. The Cathedral
Mountains. Those snow-covered peaks, pointing towards the sky like giant church towers, how they used to fill my childish dreams! Well why not? About time to make a few dreams come true.

Shopping for backpack, sleeping bag, thermal tent, cooking pots, lights – all the gear needed – was half the fun. Once outfitted I couldn’t waste time on the linear but took the plane to Rafael instead. I bulged
my eyes at the mountains as we came in to land and snapped my fingers and fidgeted while I waited for the luggage. I had studied the maps and knew that the Cathedral Trail crossed the road in the foothills north of the airport. I should have taken the connecting bus like the others, instead of being conspicuous in a taxi, but I was in too much of a rush.

‘Pretty dangerous, kid, I mean walking
the trail alone.’ The elderly driver smacked his lips as he launched into a litany of doom. ‘Get lost easily enough. Get eaten by direwolves. Landslides and avalanches. And …’

‘And I’m meeting friends. Twenty of them. The Boy Sprouts Hiking Team of Lower Armmpitt. We’re gonna have fun,’ I invented rapidly.

‘Didn’t see no Boy Sprouts out here lately,’ he muttered with senile suspicion.

‘Nor
would you,’ I extemporised, bent over in the back seat and flipping through the maps quickly. ‘Because they took the train to Boskone, got off there, right at the station close to where the trail crosses the tracks. They’ll be waiting for me, troop leader and all. I would be afraid to be alone in the mountains, sir.’

He muttered some more, muttered even louder when I forgot to tip him, then chuckled
in his grey whiskers as he drove away because, childishly, I had then overtipped him. While resisting strongly the impulse to slip him a phoney five-buck coin. The sound of the motor died away and I looked at the well-marked trail as it wound up the valley – and realised that this had been a very good idea indeed.