Tattycoram

Tattycoram

Also by Audrey Thomas

Ten Green Bottles

Mrs. Blood

Goodbye, Harold, Good Luck

Munchmeyer and Prospero on the Island

Songs My Mother Taught Me

Blown Figures

Ladies and Escorts

Latakia

Real Mothers

Two in the Bush and Other Stories

Intertidal Life

The Wild Blue Yonder

Graven Images

Coming Down from Wa

Isobel Gunn

The Path of Totality

AUDREY THOMAS

Copyright © Audrey Thomas, 2005.

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). To contact Access Copyright, visit
www.accesscopyright.ca
or call 1-800-893-5777.

Edited by Laurel Boone.
Cover and interior design by Julie Scriver.
Cover image detailed from
The Bohemian
by Adolphe William Bouguereau,
courtesy of ARC – Art Renewal Center.
Printed in Canada by Friesens.
This book is printed on acid-free paper that is 100% recycled,
ancient-forest friendly (100% post-consumer recycled).
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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Thomas, Audrey, 1935-
Tattycoram / Audrey Thomas.

ISBN 0-86492-431-3

I. Title.

PS8539.H62T38      2005 C813'.54      C2005-900949-7

Published with the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Government of Canada through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program, and the New Brunswick Culture and Sports Secretariat.

Goose Lane Editions
469 King Street
Fredericton, New Brunswick
CANADA   E3B 1E5
www.gooselane.com

To my dear neighbours,
Mick and G. English, who enjoy a good story

Question
:    What is your name?

Answer
:       N. or M.

Question
:     Who gave you this name?

— The Book of Common Prayer

Wash off my foul offence
And Cleanse me from my Sin
For I confess my Crime and see
How great my Guilt has been.

In Guilt each part was form'd
Of all this sinful Frame;
In Guilt I was conceived and born
The Heir of Sin and Shame.

— Psalms, Hymns and Anthems
Used in the Chapel of the Hospital for
the Maintenance and Education of
Exposed and Deserted Young Children
(London, 1774)

Tattycoram

There is a small round spot on the top of my head where the hair will never grow. When I was young, I was sure this was where my mother's tears rained down in the days before she gave me up, her sadness soaking through to my skull. My foster mother told me I was eight weeks old when they put me in her waiting arms. Eight weeks of tears, wearing away that place on the top of my head like water wearing a hollow in a stone.

Years later Matron commented on it when they were washing our hair in preparation for cutting; she thought at first I had the ringworm.

We had to believe, you see, that our mothers wept, that they loved us dearly and hated to part with us, that they thought about us every day of their lives forever after.

We had been left at the hospital by our mothers, except for Agnes Lamb, who had been found under a bush in Mecklenburg Gardens. The fairies had left her there. The rest of us were handed over like a parcel, registered in the big book Mr. Brownlow kept locked in his desk: Girl, eight weeks, No. 19,176. Then washed, dressed in new clothes, christened in the chapel and given a new name. I was Harriet Coram.

Did I cry when the water touched my head? Did I think it was my mother's tears?

And then a long journey in a wagon, held close under the shawl of a woman who did not smell like my mother (who smelled spicy) as we bumped our way out of London. “Hush, hush,” she said and put me to the breast, but I howled and turned away my head. “Ah,” said the strange voice, “you'll suck when you're hungry enough.”

“It was a long journey,” my foster mother told me, “and you howled nearly the entire way. But you weren't the only one. Two dozen of you, swaddled like saveloys in penny buns, and most of you howling, poor little things. We stopped at an inn for refreshment. Some of the nurses made sugar-tits and dipped them in ale to make their babies sleepy, but I didn't want to do that. When we returned to the wagon, I lay down in the straw and tucked you in beside me and began to tell you about myself and your new father and grandfather and Sam and Jonnie and his little twin that died. Hannah, we had named her, and now she was buried in the churchyard with the others. When I thought of her I began to weep — the wound was still so fresh, you see. My breasts leaked, just thinking about her. The tears seemed to soothe you and you fell asleep for a bit. When you awoke, you took the breast so greedily I ached.”

She smiled, remembering. “Little greedy guts, your father used to call you, whereas Jonnie . . . Jonnie would fall asleep. I had to tickle the soles of his feet to get him to continue. I sometimes wondered if he missed his twin, if there wasn't something in him that wanted to go to her. He was never very strong, unlike you. Do you think he is still alive?”

And now it was my turn to say “Hush, hush” and to comfort her, for she was dying and knew she would never see either of her sons again in this world.

Father had brought her a posy of spring flowers and laid it on her pillow.

“Lovely,” she said, “lovely.” And then she died. My real mother — the only mother I had ever known.

Sam was our big brother. He was nine years old when I arrived in Shere; after him came the dead babies in the churchyard, then finally the twins, Hannah and Jonathan, but Hannah died as well. Each baby had a little lamb carved by Grandfather, a whole flock of little lambs side by side in the green grass. If Hannah had not died, I wouldn't be there, safe and loved, with Father and Mother and Sam and Jonnie and Grandfather, who had been blind since he had the smallpox at the age of six.

(Do I really remember a large, rough hand moving gently over my face the night I arrived, a hand rough as a cat's tongue, making my acquaintance through the tips of his fingers?)

Grandfather had a gift: he could carve anything. The little outbuilding where he worked smelled sweetly of fresh shavings. He had carved the rood screen for our church — all wild roses, eglantine, wood anemone and the wildflowers which grew all around. It was the talk of the county, and people came from far and wide to see it. Sam told me he had once asked Grandfather how he could carve flowers and birds when he couldn't see. “And he said, ‘I wasn't always blind, Samuel. I had six years of looking and I was a country lad. I liked getting up close to things even then. What a child sees in the first six years of his life, he never forgets. It's in there, somewhere, and all he has to do is draw it out.'”

Grandmother was dead, and our other grandparents as well, but Grandfather was enough. As I grew, I liked to sit beside him on his bench while he worked. Newel posts for one of the big houses or graveboards or toys for the wealthy children in the neighbourhood or his big project — misericordes for the cathedral at Guildford.

It was Grandfather's gift, Sam told me many years later, which set us apart from the other labourers' families, that even provided us with little luxuries. Times were bad and Father's wages were very low, but with Grandfather's carving and Mother's needlework and the money from the hospital, we managed. I was too young to understand how the workhouse loomed as a threat over village life. No one ever wanted to end up there, but some couldn't help themselves. We managed quite well. Always wheaten bread, not the rough barley loaves. Real tea, and once a week a nice piece of bacon. I think I took it for granted that everybody could live like that if they wanted to.

Sam worked at haying and harvesting, along with Mother and Father, while Grandfather kept an eye on us. (That was his joke.) And soon enough we were put to work as well, as birdscarers in the fields. Grandfather made us each a clapper; Sam took us out and set us down wherever we were needed. We liked making noise, whirling the clappers around and shouting, “Bad birds, bad birds.” We got a penny a day between us and proudly gave it to Mam, who told us she didn't know how she'd manage without us, not yet four and already bringing in wages!

Grandfather made me a doll with a wooden head and arms and Mother made her a body stuffed with bits of rag. She had a blue checked dress sewn from a gypsy handkerchief, and I loved her to distraction. Jonnie had a wonderful wooden chicken on wheels with a hollow on its back where a wooden egg fitted.
The egg went round when he pulled the hen along by a string.

Sam knocked down a boy who said I was a bastard. Father said, “Show him to me, and I'll knock him down again.”

“What's a bastard?” I asked.

We all slept upstairs in the same room except for Grandfather, who preferred to sleep in his workshop. Each night he would rise from his chair and wish us all a goodnight and a God bless. He never needed a lantern, for his feet knew the way, how many steps to the door, how many to round the corner of the cottage, how many to his own door.

He shaved himself with a wicked razor, and once a month Mother sat him down outside and cut his hair, then Father's, then Sam's, then Jonnie's. “As for you,” she said to me, “you and your bird's nest.” My hair was always in a curly tangle and I cried when she combed it out. “I should cut it, I suppose, but I can't bear to,” winding one of my curls around her finger.

The children in the village loved Grandfather because, at Christmas and birthdays, he gave them wooden whistles or little wooden spinning tops. Once, for a crippled boy, a complete Noah's Ark. His mother came, weeping, to thank him. We asked him why we couldn't have a Noah's Ark as well, and he told us we could roam around and see real animals any day of the week.

“But not the 'potamus, Grandfather,” Jonnie said, “not the 'potamus and not the giraffe.”

“I'll tell you what,” said Grandfather, “I'll make you each a throne.” Which he did.

When he had time, Sam took us on adventures. Sometimes we went as far as the gypsy camps in the Hurtwood. The gypsy children were dirty and made faces, but I liked the women in their flouncy skirts and gold earrings. They gave us tea in tin
mugs, and I can still remember the way the tea tasted of the heather, a brown, slightly bitter taste.

They lived in tents and the men stole horses — or that's what people said in the villages. The women could put a curse on you, so if they offered you something for sale, the village women said, you'd better buy it or your milk might dry up or a horse might kick you in the head. Mother said she had never heard the women cursing anybody, but Father laughed and said, “Then why do you buy from them?”

We liked the gypsies, and we liked the way Sam took us on adventures and lifted us over stiles if we couldn't manage on our own.

Sam and Jonnie were fair and had lovely reddish hair like Mother. In the sun it shone like new pennies. Father was fair as well and Grandfather was grey. I was the only one whose hair was dark, and that was because I had another mother long ago who couldn't take care of me.

“Why couldn't she?”

“She just couldn't.”

“Why?”

We went to church on Sunday mornings, everybody except Father, who said it was his day of rest. Most of the fathers didn't go. What I liked best about church was the pump organ that ground out the hymns and the graveyard where the tall, thin stones and boards tilted every which way. Some of them were so old and weathered the names had disappeared. The dead slept all together, under a soft green blanket, until Resurrection Day, when everybody would jump up and begin dancing. It would be just like Harvest Festival. Even the dead babies would jump up and clap their little hands. I liked the idea of the babies
dancing, especially little Hannah, for whom I had a particular affection.