The Space Between Us (35 page)

   His hands ran up my back, hooking over my shoulders, then running back down to cup my ass.

   “Is it possible that you’re smaller than before?”  He asked, then kissed my neck.

   “Mmm… I haven’t eaten much in the last thirteen years.”
  I felt him push my hair over my shoulder and then cup my cheek, bringing my face back to look at him.

   “That stops now, Bit.  You’ve got to take care of your body.  No more punishing yourself.”

   I nodded at his words, then pressed a kiss against his lips.  Next, I moved down his body and pulled at his jeans, working hard to get them over his massive body.  He had to help push them over his hips and we both laughed at how clumsy we suddenly became.  Once he was naked, I took just a moment to admire him.  He looked exactly as I remembered him, but somehow manlier.  He was older – more powerful.  I climbed back up to him, straddling his waist, bringing my face level with his, my long dark hair falling on either side of my face creating a curtain around us.  His hands came up and tried pushing it behind my ears, but eventually gave up, as it proved to be a pointless task, the hair just falling back to cocoon us in a veil of darkness.  He smiled dreamily up at me, his thumbs lovingly floating across the skin of my cheeks, his large fingers threaded in the hair at the nape of my neck.

   “I love y
ou, Charlie, more than anything.”  His words burrowed into my heart and put some of the broken pieces back together.  He leaned up and captured my lips in a kiss.  I let him kiss me and when he pulled away, I pressed my forehead against his.

   “I couldn’t love you more, Asher.”  He kissed me again, but this time as he kissed me he pulled me against him and he moved to a sitting position, leaning against his headboard.  With my knees on the bedspread, I raised up and angled him at my opening.

   “I’ve been on birth control for a while, Asher, and I trust you.  Do we need a condom?”

   “No.” he whispered
and that was all I needed to hear before I sank down over him.

   My head fell back as he enter
ed me.  He filled me entirely, completed me in a way no one had before.  I stretched and pulsed around him, my hands gripping his shoulders.

   “Damn
, you feel good,” he muttered through clenched teeth.

   “Mmmm.  The feeling’s mutual,” I said with a smile.
  I took just a few moments to appreciate how full I felt.  Asher was the only one who gave me this sensation, the only one who fit me this way.  Once I was satisfied and ready to move, I slowly brought my body up and down his shaft, letting him feel all of me.  He watched me as I slowly rode him, speeding up fractionally with every slide.  I tried hard to make him feel good, but got lost in the sensation myself, and felt my eyes closing.

   Suddenly
, I felt Asher’s hand clasp around my loose hair, gathering it behind my back, tugging, and urging my head back.  His other hand gripped my hip, holding me to him firmly.  He quickly maneuvered so that his feet were under him, his knees resting on the bed, and me still firmly impaled by him, my legs wrapped around his waist.  His grip on my hair hardened and I yelped as he thrust into me.  One hard thrust and my mind scattered.  His mouth came to rest between my breasts and he grunted as he gave another powerful thrust.

   “Just so we’re clear,” he said between thrusts.  “You’re mine now.  Forever.”  Thrust.  “No one
but me will ever touch you like this again.  Understood?”

   “Yes.  I understand.  Just please, don’t stop.”

   “Not on your life,” he said with a smirk.  He picked up speed and tapped into some endless supply of energy as his thrusts became steady and stronger.  Every time he pounded into me, I lost a little bit more control, my cries became louder, the sound of our flesh slapping together brought me closer.

   Suddenly he stopped and I mus
t have looked like a child who just had their candy stolen because he laughed and soothingly ran his hand down the length of my hair.

   “Don’t worry, Babe.  I’m not nearly finished with you yet.”  He kissed me quickly and then laid my back down on the bed.  He stretched my legs so that my heels rested aga
inst his shoulders.  I let out a soft moan, the stretching of my muscles felt so delectable after being in that position for so long.  He rubbed my calves, seeming to know what I needed.

   Slowly, as he kneaded my muscles
, he began to move in and out of me.  Our position allowed such a deep penetration that every time he entered me, he nudged against a wall and it felt divine.  The tip of his cock rubbed gloriously along the inside of me, causing all kinds of synapses to fire simultaneously and after a few minutes I wasn’t sure I could take much more of his particular torture. 

   “I’m almost there, Asher.  Please…don’t stop.”

   “Do you love me?”  He questioned.  It caught me off guard and my eyes opened to him staring at me, siding slowly and purposefully in and out of me.  His eyes were full of lust, but something else was hiding in them as well.  “Will you leave me when this is over?”  His vulnerability showed, and my heart broke a little.

   “I never left you.
I was with you all along.  Of course I love you.”  He collapsed onto me, closing his fingers around my hair, his face buried in my neck, and he brought us both to the edge.  He came first and I followed quickly after, spurred on by the sound of him whispering “Bit” sweetly into my ear as he emptied himself into me.

Chapter
Fifteen

Charlie

   The next morning as we woke I was greeted by the brilliant smile of the man I never thought I’d get to love again – the man who held my heart for so many years, but that I was too afraid to give myself over to, or allow myself to have.  We spent the night exploring each other, laughing, talking, napping, and cuddling.  When the sun broke through his curtains, I knew it was time to leave, the light from the day making everything a little more real.

   “What time i
s your flight?”  He asked, as he brought the back of my hand to his lips to kiss.

   “Noon.”

   He groaned and I shared his misery.  It was too soon for us to be apart; we’d just found each other again.  On the other hand, the responsible and rational part of my brain was trying to convince me that jumping into a fully-committed relationship with Asher wasn’t a great idea.  Obviously, I loved him and wanted to be with him, but for the longest time I hadn’t really been in control of my life and now was the time for me to take the reins.  I wanted him to be there for me, to support me the way someone who loves you should, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could stand on my own two feet.

   “Can I drive you to the airport?”

   I gave him a smile that I hoped showed how happy I was to be with him in that moment.  “I’d love that.”

   It was a few
hours later and we walked from the parking garage at the airport up to the departure terminal.  My hand was clasped in Asher’s and every time I thought about holding his hand it made my heart race a little faster.  So much happened in just the last twenty-four hours that my head was still a little off kilter from it all.  I checked my bags, got my boarding pass, and we headed towards security.

  
“Will you keep an eye on my dad’s house for me?  Make sure no squatters get in there and set up camp?”

   “Of course.  Do you think you’re going to sell it?”

   I sighed heavily.  “Yeah, probably.  But I’m just not ready yet.  Maybe in a couple months.  Plus,” I said as I turned to him and ran my hands up his chest.  “I was thinking I needed a place to stay if I was going to be coming back to visit Willow Falls.”  I felt him wrap his arms around me, his hands coming to rest on my backside, giving a gentle squeeze as a smile spread across his face.

   “So you’ll be back then?  I don’t have to worry about you running away and leaving me here, angry and confused?”
 

   I reached up on my tip-toes and pressed a kiss against his lips.  “I want to be with y
ou, Asher, only you.  But I’ve got to figure out my life right now.  I’m going to go back to New York, get my art show behind me, and see what feels right after that.”

   “This feels right,” he said, pushing his fingers through my hair, cupping his hand behind my head, pressing our foreheads together.

   “It always has,” I responded softly.

   “So we’re just going to trust each other and trust that everything will be ok in the end?”

   “That and work at being better for each other than we have in the past.”  I paused, closing my eyes.  I opened them again to see his slate gray eyes staring back at me.  “We’ve both made mistakes and I still need to work on letting go of some things.  I want to be whole for you, if that makes sense.”

   “So, this isn’t a goodbye then?”

   I shook my head and smiled shyly.

   “Good,” he said, returning the smile.  “I hate goodbye kisses.”  His arms snaked around my waist and picked me up off the ground, bringing my lips up to
meet his, and he kissed me as if he missed me for years.  And I kissed him right back.

   A few hours had passed, the plane ride boring and a little bumpy.  After landing, I made my way to a hotel near the gallery where my show would be taking place the next weekend.  The city looked different to me.  The buildings taller, the crowds on the street louder, the pace of life seemed to be in fast forward.  I’d always felt a little out of place in the city, but I chalked it up to just being out of place in life.  I hadn’t felt like I fit in anywhere, so it made sense that the city was a stranger to me. 

   But now, I didn’t feel out of place so much as I felt like a visitor, an imposter.  Any minute someone would look at me hauling my suitcase behind me and tell me to go back to where I came from.  The feeling was unnerving, but also a relief.  It was the first time I had any strong feelings about where I belonged – or didn’t belong.  It was a small step in the right direction.  For the next week, I had a job to do. I had to make it through the art show and then I’d be free to make the decisions that were best for me.

   I tried
to unpack my clothes into the dresser of the hotel room I would be staying in for a while when my phone buzzed on the bedside table. 

**Just wondering if your flight went well and if you’ve made it to wherever you were going ok.**

   I smiled at the text from Asher.  He was worried that I didn’t have a concrete plan on where I’d be staying.  I’d tried to tell him that the possibilities were endless and that I’d be fine to just find a hotel when I arrived, but that made him nervous.

**The flight was predictable and I am settling in my four-star hotel as we text.**

**Four stars, huh?  Don’t let the money change you, Bit.**

   I wasn’t
about to tell him that I was accustomed to staying in nice hotels with David.  I wasn’t a snob and I wasn’t with David for his money, but no one could deny the comforts of a nice hotel if you could afford it.

**I’m sorry, from now on you’ll have to send all communication through my personal assistant.  She’ll be handling my personal affairs while I roll around on hundred dollar bills.**

**Will you be clothed while you roll around in your money?  And can your personal assistant take pictures?**

   I
laughed out loud at his text, didn’t take him long to get inappropriate.  I shook my head.  I laughed more in the last twenty-four hours than I had in years.  It made me feel light and nearly carefree.

**Wouldn’t you like to know?**

**Seriously, which hotel are you staying in?**

**It’s just down the
street from the gallery, The Franklin.**

   I went back to unpacking and my phone buzzed a few minutes later.

**Ok.  I checked out your hotel and it looks pretty safe.  You don’t take the subway, do you?  Take a cab if you go anywhere, or a town car would be even better.**

**You’re forgetting I have lived in this city for years now.  I’ll be fine.**

**I just realized that if I had known where you were this whole time we’ve been apart, I probably would have gone crazy worrying about you.**

**No need to worry.  I can take care of myself.**

**Don’t deny me the privileges that come along with loving you.  Worrying is one of the perks.**

  
That made me smile.  I’d never tire of hearing Asher say he loved me.

   The days passed and I worked hard in my studio preparing for the show.  I already picked most of the pieces weeks before the show, so most of the work this week was framing pieces, transporting them, and coordinating with the gallery to get them hung and lit accordingly.  My mind often wandered to Asher, wondering what he was doing, where he was, if he was thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him.  Of course, he never let me forget about him, and every day a different kind of flower was delivered to the hotel for me with a sweet note.

   On Sunday a vibrant bunch of honeysuckle was waiting for me at the front desk. –
Dear Charlie, honeysuckle represents the bonds of love.  I am forever bound to you. All my love, Asher

   Monday, when I opened my door for the breakfast I’d ordered through room service, the cart outside my door also had a bundle of lavender sitting in a vase.  The note read –
Bit, lavender is for devotion.  My heart has been devoted to you since I was eleven.  There’s never been anyone else. Xoxo, Asher

**The lavender is beautiful.  And it makes my hotel room smell divine.**

**I’m glad.  I hope the flowers are making it hard for you to forget about me.**

**I think the fact that I can’t stop thinking about you in general is making it hard to forget about you.**

**When can I see you again?**

   I sighed at his text, my face bright with a smile.  It had o
nly been two days since I saw him, but I already missed him.

**I’m not sure yet.  Maybe this evening we can talk?  Call me when you’re home?**

**Count on it, Babe.**

   My day brightened considerably knowing that I’d get to speak with Asher that night.  I found myself sketching in the afternoon and when I stepped back from t
he pad to examine what I drew I recognized the creek running underneath the bridge we used to spend so much time at during our childhood.  Under that bridge Asher told me he loved me for the first time.  In that park we shared our first kiss.  For everything that had happened between us, I would never deny how much Asher loved me.  He always found ways to show me how much he cared for me, and he was always there when I needed him.

   Suddenly, my happiness faded away and stinging sadness moved in.  For all the years that Asher had protected me, and knew when I needed him, showing me unwavering support, love and friendship, I had abandoned him the instant the waters became rough.  If I hadn’t pushed him away, or at least given him time to acclimate to the pregnancy before keeping him at arms-length, perhaps we’d be in a different situation now.

   I cocked my head at the drawing. The creek was a reminder of how things used to be between Asher and me: steady, continuous, stable.  When real life hit us, we both ran from each other.  We were young and scared. 

   “God, it’s good to hear your voice,” Asher said that evening when I answered his phone call.  “You don’t know how difficult this has been for me.  I’ve spent so many years knowing you were out there but having no idea where you were. Now that I know, and now that I feel like you could be mine again, I’m fighting every urge to jump on a plane and find you.”

   He sounded happy to talk to me, but I could also hear weariness in his voice.  The separation was doing different things for both of us.  I was using the time apart to repair things inside of me that I had been fighting for so long, and he was focusing on the anxious part of himself that wanted to be near me.

   “It’s good to hear from you too, Asher.  We’ll see each other soon enough.  I promise.”  I paused and heard him exhale loudly.  I knew he was trying to be respectful and give me my space, but I didn’t like hearin
g him upset.  “How was work this week?”  I asked, trying to change the subject.

   “Busy, as usual.  I’m working on a few cases and one of them is going to be a real struggle.”

   “Why is that?” I asked, interested.  I didn’t know lawyer Asher very well.

   “Because my client is somewhat of an idiot and signed a contract when he shouldn’t have.  On the other hand though, the other party was being shady throughout the negotiations and I think we can get them on negligence.  I just wish people would take some time to think through their decisions before they made them.”

   “But then you might be out of a job,” I joked.

   “Well, as true as that might be, there will always be people who need lawyers.”

   “And there will always be people who act before they think,” I said, solemnly, my thoughts moving in a depressing direction.  “Can I ask you something?”

   “Always,” he said firmly.

   “If I had come to you a week after our big fight, you know, after I told you I was pregnant, do you think  we would have been able to work it out?”

   He was quiet for a few moments and I laid down on the bed, pulling a pillow under my head, trying to give him the time he needed to formulate his answer.

   “By the time a week had passed, I was so miserable without you, I’m pretty sure I would have done anything to get you back.  I was just so ashamed of myself.  I couldn’t forget what I’d said to you and the look on your face.  I’m still ashamed.  It’s the worst moment of my life.”

   “One thing I’m realizing while I’m here is that I can forgive you all I want, Asher.  I can wash everything away, give us a clean slate, a free pass into our future, but unless I truly forgive
myself, there’s probably no hope for us.”  He was silent, taking in my words.  “Do you think you’ve forgiven yourself?”

   “I don’t know, really,” he answered honestly.  “I’ve never thought about it.  I know it means a lot that
you
forgive me, and that goes a long way in making me feel better about the situation, but I can’t say if I truly forgive myself.”

   “What would you say to another nineteen year old guy who was in your situation?  Would you hold what he said against him?  What he said moments after learning something that would change his life forever?”  He was quiet again.

   “No, I suppose not.  I’d tell him it was really shitty, but I wouldn’t hold it against him.”

   “We were so young, Asher.”  I said sadly.  “We were supposed to make mistakes.  I’m sorry I walked away and never went back for you.  That was
my
mistake.”