The Siren (37 page)

I didn’t know that was coming either.

The Ocean knew where Akinli’s house was, thanks to me, so just leaving me near there was an option. But if he didn’t come out and find me before I regained consciousness, I might just wander off. Because he knew me as Kahlen, She couldn’t even offer me a stolen identity. She could give me money, and that would help a little, but with or without it, if anyone else found me I’d probably be taken to a hospital. As hard as I tried, I still might not remember Akinli enough to look for him, and he would have no clue I was back or to be looking for me. I would be another random soul.

We’d have to be patient. We’d be leaving a lot up to chance. But She said that if this was truly what I wanted, She would do Her best to help me get it.

I love Akinli. I’d risk being alone and lost in the world to try.

Then She would try, too.

It was done, and I was ready, but I was still nervous about all the chance involved. After all this time, would I remember how to be human by myself? And if I had no help, would I survive alone? I was a girl— young, and not very strong once I left this body— that someone could hurt. There were a hundred “what ifs.” But I had to face them. If that was the way to Akinli, then that was what I would do.

Once that decision was made, we settled into one another. We were going to have to wait for goodness knows how long. I couldn’t time my good-bye. I just had to stay in this slow departure until my time with the Ocean was gone.

I really do love You. No matter what.

She said She knew. She felt it over and over again in my head, long before I was ever brave enough to say it.

Do I think it a lot?

Yes, often. In my head, She was like a mother. Since Pawleys Island, it was the undertone of every address I’d given Her. Even when I was mad.

I don’t think I knew that I felt it so often. Or all the time I mean. I knew I thought of You as my mom though.

She said there are some relationships you can’t just turn off. Once it is, it is. Our circumstances wouldn’t change that in us.

Even when I’m gone?

Even when I was gone.

Even when I’m old?

Even when I was old.

I was suddenly very sad.

Will I remember You at all?

She didn’t think so. She hoped it all disappeared. She didn’t want me remembering things I didn’t really want to just to hold onto some of the things I did.

I understand what You mean. If anyone had asked me before, I don’t think I would have thought about it, but if I had to keep some of the bad just to know You were there, I would.

She appreciated that, but still didn’t want that for any of us, least of all me.

We talked about ourselves. We remembered how casual our relationship had been, the distance bridged between the enormous, eternal Sea and a tiny, breakable girl. We told each other we loved each other countless times, making up for all the opportunities we missed over the eighty years we’d spent together.

We talked about my island. Before today it had been so long since I had been there last. I didn’t even take the time to enjoy it one last time. Now I would never see my beautiful escape again. That saddened me.

You should give it to the girls. They’d appreciate it.

Yes, they probably would. But they had the entirety of the world. She was going to keep the island for Herself, a token to remember me by.

I guess when you’re a big as the Ocean, an island might be the right size for a token.

We remembered all of the conversations we’d had in places all over the world. Those memories filled up hours. We laughed, and I cried. We spoke about our disagreements briefly. There weren’t very many, but they were always monumental. We discussed all the plans I had made— my desires to teach or work with the hearing impaired— and how they were all about to be tossed aside. It was exciting and terrifying.

My Mother wanted me to know, once and for all, that She deeply regretted any pain She had ever caused me. She was sorry about my parents and Jillian and Akinli. She was sorry that She made me feel trapped and restless and depressed. Since the moment She chose me, She thought I was special and admitted She’d been a little selfish with my affection. Still this, our nearness, was better than anything She had ever hoped for.

Please, no more apologies. You know I’m not angry. I’m just passionate. You told me Yourself once that I never love anyone halfway. Doesn’t that include You? No more being sorry. If anything, I should apologize to You. I’ve turned Your world upside down today. I never meant to-

She cut me off. Weren’t we past all this now? We knew. And that was enough.

We didn’t talk much about Akinli. I didn’t worry about my future; I just let Her enjoy my present. I should have given Her more of me. So much time I wasted. But there was one thing about Akinli and Her that I just had to know.

How did you know Akinli loved me?
I asked, recalling what She had said back at the island.

She said She didn’t usually use this gift of Hers unless She was communicating with us, or in the act of choosing a siren, but this was one case where She just had to know what was going on in his mind. She was always looking out for him, and whenever he went into the water, She paid attention. She hoped to be able to tell me something bright, but couldn’t lie to me once She saw how sad his thoughts were. She felt how much he ached for me.

Then later, when he fell in, She searched his mind to see if he was a girl. Although that was admittedly unnecessary with four sirens already in place, it was a habit of Hers that was all but impossible to turn off. But he was thinking of me. She saw me in his head.

Even unconscious, even on his way to death, I was all he thought of.

I couldn’t think of the words to express it, but that knowledge gave me confidence again. She was glad to be able to give me hope. And then, as if She had just realized She could give me something for my next life, She told me to wait.

I thought She was collecting money for me. Where would I keep it in this dress? But I was wrong. She pulled deep from within Herself; I could feel the search. After a few minutes, my tiny silver necklace came floating in front of me. Where the clasp had broken from the speed, She had tied it together with a long piece of string. She put it on me. It fell much lower on my chest now with the string, but it was somehow even more precious to me.

Thank You! This means so much to me! Oh… I’m going to miss You.

She would miss me, too. We had been speaking for hours, perhaps close to a day. But I couldn’t be silent. I was about to say something else, but She hushed me.

She told me quickly that She loved me.

I love You, too, Mother. Always.

My Ocean told me to think of Akinli. Hard. Say his name, remember his face. Turn everything in my mind to Akinli.

I did what She told me to. I thought his name over and over. While I remembered the name that had become my favorite word in the world, I thought of a feature. Akinli— his beautiful blue eyes. Akinli— his growing blond hair. Akinli— his wonderful smile. Akinli— his strong hands. Akinli— his golden laugh.

Akinli, Akinli, Akinli.

She whispered Her good-bye.

I didn’t get to respond.

My body shot forward.

I was traveling so fast, the salt hit my skin at a thousand angles like it did whenever I moved through Her. But it was different. I could really feel it— and it hurt.

The water seemed to squeeze tight around my body. Suddenly, my mouth jerked open. I felt something cold come rushing out of my lungs. As it left my mouth, I saw the dark blueness of this substance float away from me.

For the first time in decades, I felt the need for air. It was a burning need. I searched for the surface. It took me a while to realize which way was up. I turned around in the Ocean. I finally saw the sun breaking through the surface of water that was growing more and more shallow. In the distance, giant leaves of sea kelp were clawing towards the light.

It was too far away.

I wasn’t going to make it.

I tried to hold onto my consciousness, but I felt the blackness close in as I moved. All this work, all this time, and I wouldn’t even see him.

Akinli.

I held onto his name. It was the last thing I thought. As I slipped into sleep, I felt my body break through the surface.

And everything was black.

Akinli

 
CHAPTER
18

Fresh. Salty. Clean. Sweet.

The smell of the ocean was something I’d been familiar with since I was a kid. Mom and Dad used to bring me to visit Ben and his parents I don’t know how many times a year. But that smell had a new meaning to me now.

Julie had been telling me to stop thinking about Kahlen. And I tried, I really did. But it seemed like every day something happened to put her in the forefront of my mind.

It had been almost a year, and it wasn’t getting any better. I was hoping (and dreading) that with time I’d think about her less and less. But, if I was being honest with myself, she was always there.

When my parents died, they were on my mind all the time, too. Every once in a while, something would distract me, and I’d feel normal for a little while. And then when Kahlen showed up, that ache turned into something dull in the background. I could still feel it, but it wasn’t so overwhelming. For the first time in months, I felt like myself again.

But now I always felt wrong. Where was she? Was she safe? Did she hate me? No one could give me any answers. I knew I had always been the type to worry. When Kahlen left, she became the biggest and easiest thing to worry about. And now it was getting bad.

Really bad.

It used to be that if a girl with long brown hair passed, I’d have to watch her walk away. I’d wait for her to turn around so I could be sure one way or the other. But these girls with their copycat hair were never her. If someone laughed with their breath, letting out a low sound as opposed to loud chuckles, I’d turn my head, searching around for the source. But again, not her.

Probably the worse was the constant feeling that I smelled her. It was an easy smell to mistake. Almost. Kahlen smelled so much like the ocean. It was a breezy, watery perfume. As if I didn’t spend enough time on the boat breathing in that almost-Kahlen smell, I spent my more pathetic moments out on the rocks, inhaling, filling my lungs.

Like now.

With my feet in the water, I felt sort of connected to her. Like maybe some of that smell would rub off on me, and I’d be tricked into thinking she was near. Maybe I’d sleep tonight if I thought she was close by. I was weirded out sometimes by how bad I missed her. I mean, I’d never noticed how anyone smelled before. It made me feel… I don’t know… weak? Shouldn’t I be stronger than this?

But I’d be satisfied with being the wimpy guy who missed a girl’s smell if that would only be the worst of it. Of course, it got much worse last week when I was a hundred percent sure I’d seen her. I clearly remembered tripping on the trap in the boat. I just wasn’t being careful enough. But falling into the water and then managing to get out again… that was all gone.

Funny, that’s how Kahlen felt all the time— couldn’t remember a thing. It’s weird to not remember. Oh, come on Akinli, just
try
to not think of her.

I remembered slowly gaining consciousness on the boat. Or I thought I did. And Kahlen was there, soaking wet along with me. And we kissed. That kiss felt so final. And then, poof, the next thing I remember was the hospital. I didn’t tell Ben about that middle part— the part about Kahlen. After the first few months he thought I should just get over it. I mean, I knew he was worried about me, but he just didn’t know what to do. If it had been the other way around, I probably would have done exactly what he did for me: bring him another beer.

I did tell Julie because she was more like a mom and said nice things if I wanted to talk about Kahlen. And I knew she missed her, too. But Julie told me that I hit my head really hard. No kidding; I had a bruise to prove that. She said I was probably seeing things. And there’s no way I could honestly say that Kahlen wouldn’t be the one person I wanted to see.

Opening my eyes on the boat, with Kahlen close by, felt like waking up. The whole last year came into focus. I saw every moment— the moments I really
felt
anyway— all accentuated by blocks of time that had done nothing more than fill up my waking hours…

After getting over the shock of Kahlen’s dismantled room, we went to the police and filed, surprisingly, the first missing persons report for Kahlen. I waited and waited. I worried. Every time the phone rang, I got a weird feeling in my stomach. Maybe this was the call that would be someone saying she’s okay. But it never was.

After a month, I decided to toughen up and try to distract myself. Casey had been around enough after that first weekend. She didn’t seem too upset that Kahlen disappeared, but she tried to look sympathetic. She could play the part of the supportive girlfriend really well. So when Kahlen didn’t come back, I decided to try with her again. It didn’t take long for Casey’s act to fall. Now I had someone to compare kindness to, and Casey couldn’t keep up that level of gentleness for long.