The Siren (28 page)

“That’s very pretty. Where did you get it?” she asked the next morning.

“I found it. I really love autumn, and since it was so small the Ocean said I could just keep it.”

This little bit of silver tied me to a person a long ways away. I thought about him all that morning. What time was it in Port Clyde? What was he doing now? Had Casey stayed? Was Julie mad at me? Did he miss me?

These first few hours of my permanent separation from the person who would be the love of my life— no matter how many lives I had— were painful in the acute. I felt a sense of isolation and hopelessness that I could only trace back to the feeling of being alone in the Sumatran forest. That was a time I’ve refused to think about because I sank into the worst of myself there. I was terrified, alone, broken.

But that was nothing. Those two weeks in Sumatra were afternoon walks on a summer day. It was a warm bath or a welcoming bed. Those two weeks I would have taken again and again with joy if it meant that I could trade them for what I felt now.

This was night, pitch black and empty. There was nothing here to see or feel, no kind sun coming to end it. There was no soft place to rest my head, no partner there to keep the dark at bay. I was alone.

And I couldn’t even deal with that feeling because I had to put on my brave face for my sisters. What had I said it was like? Pulling on a familiar coat? Well, set the coat on fire and fill the pockets with lead. That was what I wore in the face of my sisters.

Miaka and Elizabeth showed me all the sights they had taken in over the last week. I saw it all, too: Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, the famous London Bridge. It was all beautiful, but I could not focus on it. After all this time, it was just another place I’d seen.

After all this time…

I used to spend my time only noticing years. How many years had it been since I became a siren? How many years to go before I was free? But everything was different now. I felt hours and minutes. They ticked past with excruciating slowness. I didn’t know that time could feel like this. It bothered me. It made me feel isolated.

Miaka and Elizabeth were not surprised that I didn’t seem as taken in by the city as they were. Again, the loss of Jillian was my excuse. I tried to keep it together for them. If we were going to spend nearly two more decades together, I needed to be a better companion. I didn’t think I’d want to do it all alone, like Aisling did. But maybe she had something right.

Aisling didn’t let herself get attached to anyone. I’d bet this whole life hurt a lot less for her because she made herself a rock. No one could touch her, no one could break her. If I could work up the nerve next time we were together, I would ask her how she managed this. She was almost done with this life. Surely she wouldn’t begrudge passing the secret of her survival on to me.

And even though I could talk to the Ocean, She couldn’t stand my misery. When I came to Her crying, She could barely hold in Her own sorrow. She had to manage a whole planet, and here I was with my long lost love issues. I would have born it alone if I could have managed a way.

While my sisters weren’t bothered by my mellow attitude, they were surprised that I took up sleeping regularly. They would be dressed up, ready to go to some party they managed to discover, but I would be pulling off my clothes to get under the covers. It was as unnecessary as ever, but it held the secret advantage of dreaming. I didn’t see him every time I slept, but most times.

Sometimes I saw things I had already seen. Like that night on the beach, us still on the blanket. The music sounded so real— the melodies lingered in my memory, and I could even remember bits of the lyrics. The textures were as fresh as ever: Julie’s soft dress, the grainy sand, Akinli’s belt buckle pressed into my hip. His smell never faded; I would know it if I was blindfolded and placed in a room with a hundred men. And his beautiful face came to me with perfect clarity. Akinli had just pulled back from me, and the look on his face… he looked like he truly couldn’t believe how lucky he was; that it was beyond all reason that he should get to kiss me. Hadn’t he known it was the other way around?

Sometimes my dreams took me to those forbidden places we weren’t supposed to explore. Not yet. My mind invented visions of Akinli so tempting it threatened to make my heart burst. While his body in these dreams was what drew me in— with his defined arms and back and stomach, hands that gripped me tightly to him, breath unsteadily pushing into my hair— what always made me feel weak was the look in his eyes. Hungry, aggressive, focused. In my head, he wanted me more than any woman has ever been desired in history. I’d wake up warm and panting for air, though my breathing was fine.

Sometimes I saw things that I only wished I could. Wedding after wedding after wedding. They were always the same, but totally different. Most of them were in high-ceilinged churches. I didn’t know what it looked like in the churches in Port Clyde, but that’s usually where we were. That was our home. The guest lists in those ones were huge, with people standing in the aisles just to have a peek at us making our vows. Once, we got married standing in the middle of the Ocean with Ben and Julie and the rest of the sisters there to see. That thought, the most impossible one— that something like that could happen with everyone’s approval— made me the happiest. We were always blissful, and I could always say “I love you” out loud.

It was always a disappointment to wake up without seeing his face, but the days when I did left me lighter. I missed him so much, I actually ached. It was another one of those surprising things that truly, physically crippled this perfect body. But I was happy that I at least had that handful of days with him. I smiled at them. I’d mindlessly float through memories, lost for hours. Sometimes Miaka would catch my face while I was in the middle of one of my better memories and say, “There you are!” as if I had still been gone all this time. I was glad when I could be myself around them. The truth was I rarely felt like myself. Not with Akinli missing.

Most of the time, I fared pretty well. When I was absolutely miserable from the ache, I went to the Ocean. I’d hold out as long as I possibly could, and then I’d go to Her. I hated that She had to see this, but it was the only place I was safe to cry aloud. Sometimes you have to give the hurt a noise and let it out. If you don’t, it fills you up with its emptiness.

I would cry and cry, adding to Her size one drop at a time. And She would cradle me deeper and deeper. I’d go to places where there was no light, and I could feel like none of it existed. She held me until I was calm. After one of these episodes, I would always feel ridiculous, as if there had been no reason for it at all. But the next time the feelings came, they felt completely valid. I couldn’t find my way out.

I repeated my mantra to myself: It’s better this way. He’s happier this way. He’s safer this way. You’re safer this way.

Happy. Safe. Happy. Safe.

So I gave it time.

 
CHAPTER
13

My outlook on life became more and more desolate.

I had to put on an act for humanity, playing my part of the average girl. I could never let anyone come as close to me as Akinli had been. At this point, even the deaf schools were out of the question because I’d always be thinking of where I’d rather be. They wouldn’t get anything from me.

I had to play a part for my sisters. They would undoubtedly be less guarded with themselves if they thought they could bend the rules— the rules they already walked the edge of. And they wouldn’t understand my sadness if it lasted much longer. To them, I had lost a friend, and that’s all they knew. But I had lost the love of my life— this cursed life and then some— and they could never know.

I couldn’t play a part to the Ocean. Well, I could if I learned to guard my mind well enough. Marilyn had shared this with me, that sometimes she hid things from the Sea. But I was used to Her knowing my every thought. Even before I wanted to really let Her in, She was there. I’d have to guard the hurt as best I could; She would want me to forget all about him. But how could eyes not notice the light? How could lungs not acknowledge the air? There are just some things you can’t ignore.

The handful of beings I had cared for knew me to a certain point. Akinli had broken through almost every barrier; he didn’t try to make me play down my sadness. He took me in even with all my flaws. But that was no longer an option, not even for those inside the secret.

If I had felt like an actress before, it was nothing. I fell down the rungs until I landed as a puppet, with the strings of my duties pulling me down more than holding me aloft.

I kept it inside. The only other option was death at the Ocean’s hands, and I couldn’t leave this world yet. I couldn’t die without knowing Akinli was happy and safe forever. I’d have to check on him again eventually.

I could see it all stretching out in front of me— years and years of wasting away in sadness. Akinli growing older, marrying someone else, having a family. And me, nineteen and unbreakable, but completely destroyed by my loss of him.

It felt like such a waste. I’d survived so much to have my life thrown off completely by one week. Is this what love did? Ruin everything? Was this love at all? I had nothing else to compare it to. I’d never dream of testing it. There was only one for me. He was all I wanted. And now… now I’d just have to survive.

So I went with my sisters. And I tried.

August passed.

My imagination got the best of me. I was sure Akinli was back with Casey, and the idea brought me more sorrow than comfort. I thought of them together, making up after her long absence. I wondered exactly how many kisses that would mean for her.

I tried not to think about how good his kisses felt, how easy they were to get lost in. But in trying not to, I remembered all too clearly. In an instant the kisses I had been trying not to dwell on since I left felt fresh on my lips. His weight, his smell, his taste— they all drifted into me. Those kisses were forbidden to me. Those kisses were Casey’s now. And she was a greedy person. She would be taking her share of them and then some.

Their mouths would come together, a strange mix considering the honey that came from his lips and the venom that came from hers. The hands that used to tangle in my mahogany hair would wind into her golden strands. And she would press herself on him, giving him invitations he’d accepted in the past. But what would he do now? He was back with this girl who everyone thought he would marry one day. Would he fall back into that pattern? She was his familiar past and his obvious future… of course he would. And it would be unfair for me to hold that against him. She was his, he was hers.

And even if he didn’t with Casey— though he was bound to between her strong will and his giving nature— it would happen with someone. And, whoever she was, she wouldn’t know how lucky she was to have him.

September passed.

Elizabeth and Miaka were still trying to comfort me. They hadn’t quite given up on me yet, though I knew I wasn’t nearly as pleasant to be around as I once was. I wanted to talk to them, to explain why I was acting this way, but it wasn’t an option. Miaka brought me cakes and treats, and Elizabeth did funny dances through the flat. I smiled and laughed from time to time, but they were weak.

I twirled my leaf charm over and over in my hand. Akinli promised that fall in Port Clyde was something to be seen. It wouldn’t be long now. I tried to imagine it, to envision the little house with a yard full of scattered leaves. The trees would be alive with fireworks of autumnal colors, half-naked branches standing unashamed, daring the wind to take away the rest of their flickering clothes.

In my head it was beautiful, but I knew the only thing that would make the picture complete would be Akinli’s smiling face. It wasn’t something I could dream up; it was something I had to see.

So I asked the Ocean if I could go see Akinli. Not talk to him, but watch from the rocks and see the leaves.

She didn’t think that was a good idea.

But I wouldn’t visit him or anything. I want him to move on. I just want to see is all. Please?

She stood firm.

October passed.

We stayed in London until the end of the month. The honeysuckle and cigarette smell of the summer faded and gave way to drearier weather. I wondered how I had held this place on such a pedestal. All things considered, it was a short visit. We had extracted all the fun out of it by then, or so Elizabeth said. In actuality, I was tired of all the people and was glad to leave myself. I was ready to go somewhere a little less populated. I didn’t know if I was fooling my sisters, but I tried to seem interested in the things they said.

I continued to sleep. My dreams steadily became nightmares of Akinli being pulled away from me. He was always sinking slowly into darkness, to a place I could not reach him. And that bothered me because I knew that there was no place on this earth that this body of mine could not reach.

I stopped sleeping altogether. Seeing his face fade away was no way to see it at all. I was afraid that image would be the one that was stuck in my head. I thought, daily, of the look on his face out the window on the night I got my necklace. I put that into the forefront of my mind. That’s how I would think of him, that was how he was now. I convinced myself of it. He was happy. And so we moved on. Good-bye, London.Goal met, nothing missed.