The She-Hulk Diaries (16 page)

I am taking responsibility for my own fantastic Valentine’s Day.

I left for work early enough to buy flowers for the HR manager and the receptionist. Bouquets and gift baskets covered their desks, and everything looked cheerful. As I walked by the conference rooms, I saw caterers already rearranging furniture and decorating for the party.

I was at my desk, studying ReplaceMax patient histories, when an enormous basket of flowers arrived with a bottle of champagne and a huge box of chocolates. The card inside said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, your favorite cousin!” It was awful sweet of Bruce, so I sent him a thank-you message.

As people walked by my office, they glanced through the glass partition and noticed the big arrangement, and I worried that they might assume a boyfriend had sent them and that he’d be coming to the party.

I tried out one of Dr. Alvarado’s stoopid affirmation exercises by whispering to myself, “I’m a successful attorney who has wonderful friends and was raised by loving, kind parents. I live in a beautiful loft in a fantastic city. I’ve dated brilliant men! I am Azzan’s best student, and I have a fantastic wash-and-wear hairstyle! People care about me, Jennifer Susan Walters, and I care about them, too!”

After work, I hurried home and changed into my new dark scarlet dress. It hugged me in all the right places, and a verse from a Fringe Theory song, “Gin in Degrees,” came to me:

I rushed to Dahlia’s salon, and she arranged my hair in an updo and told me about her own plans for dinner, dancing, and nakedness with a waiter-actor-whatever. Another stylist applied my makeup and finished it with a spritz of what she called “makeup shellac. You can go out in a blizzard and still look perfect.”

Dahlia stood back and looked at me. “My little girl is all growed up!” she said, and clasped her hands to her breast.

“Thanks, and you have a wonderful time, too, tonight. Be safe.”

“I will. Besides, men don’t mess with a girl who has a deep understanding of how to use razor-sharp tools,” she said. “I still expect you to go out on an actual date within your bogus deadline.”

We had started bickering re: the alleged bogusness of my deadline when I realized I had to leave, so I gave her a smooch good-bye.

I hadn’t needed to rush, because I was one of the first to arrive. I left my coat and tote in my office before going to the conference room, which had been opened up to the adjoining room. Strings of twinkly pink lights and pretty flowers transformed the space. A long buffet had been set up,
but, lesson learned, I didn’t touch any of the delicious treats that might have gushy innards.

A cute waitress said, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and I said, “Same to you!” and she served me a glass of a sparkling pinot noir that was exactly the right pink for my datish night.

I stood near the window, staring out at the myriad lights. I thought this was the most heartbreakingly beautiful skyline I’d ever seen on any planet. When I looked out on it, I felt that everything was possible. I didn’t know if the Parisian skyline was better. I remembered my
date liaison
hookup with Ellis and how we’d looked out at the night sky and he’d asked me if I spoke French.

“Why?” I’d asked.

“We’re touring Europe and spending a week in Paris. Come with me. Take a few months off school. We’ll have the time of our lives. Don’t give me an answer now. Talk to your faculty advisor and tell me next month.”

Now it seems utterly insane that I was seriously thinking about taking a leave of absence from UCLA Law School in order to be Ellis’s on-the-road concubine. I should be totally grateful that he never called.

Then I heard voices in the hallway, and a moment later more guests arrived. The women wore lovely red and pink dresses and the men wore suits. I wished I could remember their names, but I smiled and said hi.

Quinty was the next to appear. He wore a navy pin-striped suit and his monocle was in place. “Hello, Jennifer! Why, don’t you look pretty. My right to compliment women is grandfathered into my contract. It’s called the Grandfather Clause.”

“Good evening, sir.”

As my coworkers began filling the room, he told me his wife was always late and asked if I’d brought a date.

I thought about my negotiating tactics and positioned myself as a high-value individual. I said, “I came on my own, sir, so that other employees might get to know me on a one-on-one basis.”

“Didn’t want to bore your boyfriend, eh? Can’t say as I blame you. I think talking about QUIRC is endlessly fascinating, but my wife assures
me that other people get tired of listening to me. Enjoy yourself before you sneak off for a romantic rendezvous!”

I smiled at him, a confident businesslike smile. “If you want to talk about QUIRC, I’m happy to listen endlessly.”

He shook his head and said, “They all say that at first…” and then he strolled off.

I was feeling rather swell that I’d been so smooth about singlehood. And then Amber Hammerhead walked in with Ellis Tesla.

She wore the same suit she’d had on earlier. Ellis wore a black suit and his hair was brushed neatly. He seemed taller and more elegant than I remembered, but elegant in a manly way, as if his girlfriend had chosen his clothes because he was too macho to shop.

He had his hand on Amber’s shoulder, and they looked like the ideal Manhattan couple, the sort who have magazine spreads about their vacations, renovations, and charities. They looked like the type of people who would have adorable, accomplished children and fantastic, impressive friends.

Then I remembered that
I
had a fantastic living space, did fantastic charitable work, and had fantastic friends. In fact, my friends were so fantastic that “fantastic” was right in their name. It’s too bad that Shulky’s antics have caused a rift in our relationships. I’m sure it’s just temporary.

While I was mulling over my friends’ fantasticness, I noticed that the women in colorful dresses were assistants and clerical staff. All of the female attorneys wore dark power suits. I saw Genoa across the room, and she was dutifully wearing a navy skirt and jacket. I waved to her and she smiled and waved back.

One of the partners’ husbands introduced himself and said, “What a pretty dress! Are you Marie’s temp—I know her assistant’s out on maternity leave.”

“No, I’m Jennifer—” I began, but he cut me off saying, “Very nice meeting you, Jenny. Now, don’t let these lawyers intimidate you. I know I always tell Marie to remember that the administrative staff have lives outside the office. Where’s your date?”

“I came on my own.”

“Well, there are plenty of dating websites. Anyone can find a match!” he said. “Excuse me, I’ve got to see how the sitter is doing. Kids, huh?”

It went on like that, so I was actually grateful when Fritz Durning approached. In his narrow-fitting suit and buzz-cut hair, he looked almost aerodynamic. He said, “Hi, Jennifer. Rescue me from being harassed by all the couples. I think we’re the only singles here.”

I glanced down at his wedding band and said, “I didn’t know you were single.”

“I’ve been legally separated for three years. My wife lives in Connecticut with the kids. It works for our family. This place doesn’t leave me much time for a relationship even if I wanted one.” He looked a little abashed.

“Most people don’t understand how all-consuming our jobs are. We can’t just take the day off or meet up with friends at five…” I said.

“Or call in sick because we want to sleep in, or throw the case because we hate the client.” He looked me up and down. “You look amazing. What do you do to keep in shape?”

I appreciated the compliment, probably more because he said it in a matter-of-fact jock-to-jock way. “I practice several martial arts, but please don’t try to sneak up on me, because I have a tendency to react.”

“You care to elaborate?”

I told him how I’d flipped Ryan over at the singles meet-up, and he laughed. “Actually, I knew about your martial arts, but I want to know more. I’ve got a home gym, and I compete in triathlons. I run the stairs here when I have breaks, and I’m on a basketball team with other lawyers, the Badgerers. There’s a whole lot of trash talk.”

He made me laugh, and I said, “I played basketball in high school. The assumption was that I’d be good because I was tall. I lasted all of one month.”

“You ran cross-country, right? We should go running when the weather warms up.”

“I’m always happy to have a running partner—if you can keep up.” Hey, I was flirting!

That’s when Fritz placed his hand on my back, low at the waist, and leaned close to whisper, “Not only can I keep up, but if you want something more—something to work off the energy without interfering in our careers, I’m your man and can provide a clean bill of health from my physician.”

“I didn’t mean…” I began and could feel my skin going pink.

“We’re both serious, Jennifer, and our work here is our priority. If you would like a onetime test run to find out if we are compatible, we can schedule that. My primary goal is an intense cardio activity with a desirable outcome. I’m not seeking complications, but I do like companionship. There is no pressure and I won’t take offense if you decide to decline.”

Now, I always advise my clients, “When someone makes an unexpected offer, don’t reject it out of hand. There may be benefits that you haven’t considered, or you might be able to turn the offer to your advantage. Ask for time to explore the possibilities.”

So I said, “That is an intriguing suggestion, Fritz, and I’ll take it under advisement. Are you extending this exclusively to me and is there a time limit on it?”

It was at this moment that I saw Ellis looking at us. Naturally, I’d been
mildly somewhat
totally freaked out that he was in the room. He caught my eye, and I froze while Fritz said, “It’s exclusive to you and any reasonable time limit—what about sixty days?”

I forced my gaze back to Fritz and smiled. “I will definitely have a decision to you within sixty days.”

“Excellent! In the meanwhile, do you think you could teach me a few defensive moves?”

I casually glanced around, but Ellis was nowhere in sight. Amber was smeering at me from beside a table of heart-shaped pink macaroons and chocolates.

“Sure, Fritz, but not here.”

So we went to my office. Because anyone could look in through the glass wall, I suggested my meditation room. I kicked off my heels and Fritz took off his shoes and jacket and loosened his tie. I started with
straight punches to warm up and moved on to palm strikes. He had strength, but his core wasn’t centered, so I bent over to position his legs properly, and he started laughing and grunting while he threw out his fists.

I wished I’d had a mat, because we fell over with a thud and laughter. I said, “That’s enough for now,” and we got up. I tugged down my hem and was glad my stockings hadn’t run.

He was a good student, and I invited him to one of my sessions. We were jostling out of the meditation room, arranging our clothes, when I looked up to see Ellis standing by my desk. One of his eyebrows went up, and he said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt. Excuse me,” and he left.

This is what my brain was thinking:
Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT!

Fritz just laughed again and said, “Okay, we’ve officially provided the gossip for the office party.”

Then I spewed several OMGs, and Fritz tried to calm me down by saying, “Relax. We didn’t do anything, and besides that was Ellis Quintal, who used to be Ellis Tesla. Do you remember him from Fringe Theory?”

“Yes, I met him already,” I said, which was true.

“That band was out of control and he probably slept with a thousand girls. This is nothing to a guy like that.” Then Fritz sighed. “One of their songs, ‘Gin e-Motion,’ was my slow jam in college. How did it go? ‘She starts out slow as gin/acceleration then begins/my force, of course, meets hers and then/sexual commotion/explains my Gin devotion.’ One of my girlfriends called it the white man’s answer to Teddy Pendergrass.”

I made a few
er
s and
um
s and smoothed my hair and said, “Let me go back first and you wait a few minutes before going in.”

Fritz thought that was hilarious but said he would go first to protect my virtue. I waited about ten minutes, but then I thought I’d been gone too long, which was just as bad as showing up with Fritz. I was hurrying down the hallway, but I didn’t hear the previous party chatter. Instead, one sweet pure voice pierced the silence. I slowed my steps as I approached the conference rooms.

Everyone had crowded at the front, where Amber was standing and
singing “My Funny Valentine.” She smiled as she sang and her phrasing and pitch were so perfect with the bittersweet lyrics that I felt my breath catch. Couples held hands and eyes glittered with tears. As she hit the last line, she looked right at Ellis and he looked directly at her, as if he was a sailor and she was a siren enticing him to the rocks.

Then the song ended and everyone clapped, breaking the spell. I made it to the buffet table and ate the neatest, safest canapés there (cheese on crackers). When I turned back to the room, I saw that Ellis was standing by the windows, hands shoved in his jacket pockets, at the periphery of a group. Amber was in the center, talking intently to a silver-haired woman, her back to me.

Face the fire
, I told myself, so I walked right up to him and said, “Hello, Ellis. How nice of the company to put on a party.”

“Hello, Jennifer. Yes, it’s nice.”

Was he being sarcastic? I looked into his dark eyes but couldn’t tell.

He lifted his chin toward Fritz, who was chatting with a giggling young woman, and said, “I see you’re making friends.”

“Yes, Fritz is going to come to one of my Krav Maga classes, and I was showing him a few moves.”

“Grab ’em Raw? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” he said, and his eyes shone.