The She-Hulk Diaries (11 page)
Read The She-Hulk Diaries Online
Authors: Marta Acosta
Tags: #Fiction / Humorous, #Fiction / Action & Adventure, #Fiction / Contemporary Women
Ruth said, “I know how much she loves Fashion Week, but she probably shouldn’t have suspended him from the rafters. Anyway, the AMAZING news is that she’s been invited to be a celebrity guest at an interseasonal show in April, and I wanted to tell you to…”
“To placate her so she won’t crash the main show. Duly noted. Thanks, Ruth.”
“You know how I hate seeing her left out of things just because… she’s so enthusiastic! The show’s for a new mystery designer. Shulky’s ensemble will be delivered with the invite for the show and the wrap party.”
The invitation was enough to pacify Shulky, which was great since I don’t want her to do anything that might leave a negative impression should I ever meet my imaginary gay boyfriend Tim Gunn.
Dahlia called me between appointments.
| D: | Knock ’em dead, Jen. But not literally since your hands are licensed weapons. |
| ME: | I didn’t take you literally. |
| D: | Speaking of literature… |
| ME: | We weren’t. |
| D: | Yes, we were. I’m sending you another poem from your rock star lover, circa several years ago. |
| ME: | Don’t! I want to be calm and collected when, I mean, if I happen to see him. |
| D: | With his clothes on. |
| ME: | Yes. No, not with his clothes on! I mean, don’t— |
| D: | Oops, Rodney just sent the link with his tiny little paws! He’s so tech savvy. |
| ME: | I’m not going to listen to it. |
| D: | Sure, you are. He describes the perfection of your titties and how your lady bits are like— |
| ME: | Dahlia! |
| D: | A client just caught fire under the dryer. Gotta go! |
I am not going to listen to the song. I am not going to listen to the song.
Left a message for Dr. Alvarado and canceled my appointment because it conflicted with my job. “I’ll be in touch to reschedule when I have some availability.” Nevah!
Five minutes later he called me back, his voice all crushed blueberries and organic oatmeal sensitivity.
| RA: | Jennifer— |
| ME: | Ms. Walters. |
| RA: | Ms. Walters, your sessions are stipulated in the settlement. [blah blah blah] |
| ME: | I will take your opinion under consideration, but my employment is a priority. |
| RA: | You had time to go out dancing with celebrities! |
| ME: | Not me, Shulky. |
| RA: | When are you going to take responsibility for your behavior in your She-Hulk persona? |
| ME: | Dr. Alvarado, I know it must seem very important to you to hear a patient’s inner thoughts, but I’m working on a case in which children’s lives are at stake. If you will examine the settlement agreement, you’ll see that this exempts me from attending sessions for an indeterminate period. |
| RA: | That wasn’t in there. |
| ME: | It’s in the amendments. |
| RA: | You wrote those! |
| ME: | As I advise my clients, “A contract is a mutual agreement, and you should always negotiate for terms that are most beneficial to your side. It’s perfectly legal to cross out or amend conditions.” If you have any further questions, please submit them in writing for my review. |
| RA: | This is for your sake, not mine. You are mentally ill, Jennifer! |
| ME: | It’s Ms. Walters , Rene, and have a nice day. |
Back from the gym. Azzan was glad that I can continue my private classes, but disappointed that poverty wouldn’t force me into life as an international sexy times assassin. When I tried out a few “kapows!” he flipped me flat on my back, so I shut up and focused.
It’s making me crazy thinking that Ellis might have sung about my breasts. I will only listen to a few seconds of “Gin Tsunami,” the house party anthem, to assure myself that D is entirely wrong about the lyrics.
The tidal wave rolled over me
Her wavelength was longer
My reactions so much stronger
I rode the wave train and couldn’t forecast
Destination or destruction,
Rising waters, deep induction
Because I was drunk with Gin
Caught in the riptide of Gin, sweet sweet sin.
Raise a toast to Gin, of Gin!
Swear to sin with Gin to the brim,
Slip and slide and ride the tide with Gin!
I stopped the song and thought, OMG, how much mental effort had I expended deluding myself that it was a drinking song when I knew the dirty, dirty truth?
VALENTINE’S DAY RESOLUTION
COUNTDOWN: 6 DAYS TO START!
First real day at QUIRC!
Suit neat and lint free
Glasses cleaned, ponytail straight
Extra panty hose and identical glasses in attaché
Black pumps clean and polished
Framed diplomas and photo of Mom and Dad
Favorite UCLA pens
Garment bag with extra suit just in case
Lucky
LAWYERS DO IT ON A TRIAL BASIS
mug
When I went downstairs, Claude looked at me and tipped his cap. “Looking mighty sharp this morning, Counselor.”
“Thanks, Claude. First day at the new job and I’m a little nervous.”
He winked—but in a friendly ye-olde-fashioned way—and said, “Just be yourself and everyone will like you.”
“Easier said than done.” Planning to be myself was one thing; staying myself was a whole nuther thang.