The Sexy Vegan Cookbook (12 page)

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Authors: Brian L. Patton

BOOK: The Sexy Vegan Cookbook
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ET TU, TEMPEH?

Quod optimum salad. Google translator solebam interpretari ut vertat. Puto ea fere fecit.

Makes 2 entrees or 4 appetizers

One 8-ounce package tempeh

½ cup balsamic vinegar

½ cup low-sodium tamari or soy sauce (see WTF,
page 25
)

1 tablespoon Blackened Seasoning (see recipe,
page 210
)

Extra-virgin olive oil

1 small head romaine lettuce or ½ large head, roughly chopped

1 cup Creamy Caeser Dressing (recipe follows)

2 cups Croutons (recipe follows)

2 tablespoons Parmesan Topping (see recipe,
page 211
)

Cut the tempeh into thin squares. In a zip-top bag, combine the vinegar and tamari, and add the tempeh squares. Gently slosh the tempeh around so it gets coated, squeeze the bag to suck out as much of the excess air as possible, and let marinate in the fridge for 1 to 4 hours. Remove the tempeh squares from the marinade and pat dry. Coat with the blackened seasoning and a little olive oil. Heat a medium skillet over medium-high heat, and cook the oiled and seasoned tempeh for 2 to 4 minutes, or until blackened on one side, then flip and repeat. Then cut the tempeh into bite-size pieces.

Finally, toss the lettuce with the dressing, and top the salad with the tempeh, croutons, and parmesan topping.

CREAMY CAESAR DRESSING
Makes 2 cups

1 cup whole raw cashews

4 ounces soft silken tofu

1½ tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1½ teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (see WTF,
page 27
)

1½ teaspoons minced garlic

¼ cup water

1 teaspoon capers, drained

¼ teaspoon seaweed powder (see WTF,
page 63
)

½ teaspoon Dijon mustard

1 teaspoon vegan Worcestershire sauce (see WTF,
page 12
)

¼ teaspoon yellow miso

Salt and pepper

To make the dressing, in a small pot, cover the cashews with water and boil for 8 minutes, then drain and set aside. In a food processor, combine the boiled cashews, tofu, lemon juice, oil, nutritional yeast, garlic, water, capers, seaweed powder, mustard, Worcestershire, and miso, and puree until smooth. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Store the dressing in a sealed container in the fridge for up to a week.

CROUTONS
Makes 2 cups

2 cups day-old bread cubes, about 1-inch square

½ cup extra-virgin olive oil

¼ teaspoon salt

Pinch of pepper

1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Coat the bread cubes with olive oil, and toss with the salt, a pinch of pepper, and the lemon juice. Spread out the seasoned bread cubes on a baking sheet, and toast in the oven for 10 to 15 minutes. You can also toast them in a large pan over medium heat, about 4 minutes per side.

THE KARATE CHOP

Ha-YA!

Makes 2 entrees or 4 appetizers

1 cup shelled edamame

½ head romaine lettuce, chopped

1 cup diced Granny Smith apple

1 medium carrot, shredded

1 cup diced cucumber

¼ cup thinly sliced scallions

1 cup shredded red cabbage

Sesame seeds, for garnish

Chopped peanuts, for garnish

DRESSING

2 tablespoons sesame oil

1 teaspoon low-sodium tamari or soy sauce (see WTF,
page 25
)

2 teaspoons rice vinegar

1 teaspoon agave nectar

Pinch of chili flakes

Bring a small pot of water to a boil, drop in your edamame, and boil for 30 seconds. Drain, cool immediately under cold running water, and let drip-dry in a colander. In a small bowl, whisk together the dressing ingredients until combined. In a large bowl, toss the edamame, lettuce, apple, carrot, cucumber, scallions, and cabbage with the dressing. Garnish with sesame seeds and peanuts.

THE GRILLED COBB

My omnivore friends like to give me a good ribbing at barbecues when I throw the lettuce on the grill: “Oh, how cute — he even grills salad. Heh, heh, heh.” And then they see the finished product, and they’re all like, “Um, can I try that?” And I’m all like, “No! Get out of my friggin’ face carcass-muncher!!” I think I might need new friends.

Makes 2 entrees or 4 appetizers

1 ear corn, husked

1 head romaine, halved lengthwise, with root intact

1 avocado, halved, pitted, halves scooped out of the peel and kept intact

1 Roma tomato, halved lengthwise

Extra-virgin olive oil

Salt and pepper

2 Basic Seitan Cutlets (see recipe,
pages 24–
25
)

Blackened Seasoning (see recipe,
page 210
)

8 strips Tempeh Bacon (see recipe,
page 32
), fully prepared and chopped

DRESSING

¼ cup vegan mayo (see WTF,
page 42
)

¼ cup Sour Creaminess (see recipe,
page 205
) or vegan sour cream

1 tablespoon Crazy Shit (see recipe,
page 194
), or pickle relish

1 tablespoon chopped fresh Italian parsley

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon onion powder

Pinch of paprika

Pinch of celery seed

Water as needed to thin out the dressing

Salt and pepper

Preheat a gas or charcoal grill to medium-high heat. Brush the corn and the cut sides of the romaine, avocado, and tomato with olive oil, and season with salt and pepper. Coat the seitan cutlets with olive oil, and rub with the blackened seasoning.

When the grill is hot, grill the corn until it’s slightly brown on all sides, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove the corn from the grill and let cool, then use a knife to remove the kernels from the cob; set aside. Place the romaine, avocado, and tomato on the grill, cut sides down, and grill until charred, about 3 minutes for the tomato, 2 minutes for the avocado, and 1 minute for the lettuce. Then throw on the seitan, and grill until it gets sweet grill marks, 3 to 4 minutes per side.

In a small bowl, whisk together the dressing ingredients, including salt and pepper to taste.

To assemble the salad, cut the root ends from the romaine halves, roughly chop the leaves, and pile them up on two plates. Also roughly chop the tomato and avocado. Cut the seitan into strips. Now go look at a picture of a Cobb salad to see where everything goes, or just get creative and artfully place the corn, avocado, tomato, seitan, and tempeh bacon on top of the lettuce in some way that appeals to you. Drizzle the dressing on top.

THE BEET DOWN

Just one note before you make and consume this one: Beware the Red Scare! That’s when you go to take a whiz, and scream out in horror, “Holy flying shit! I’m friggin’ pissing blood!” and you’ve forgotten that you ate a bunch of beets earlier.

Makes 2 entrees or 4 appetizers

3 medium red beets with greens

1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil Pinch of salt

Pinch of pepper

¼ cup whole raw cashews

2 cups chopped iceberg lettuce

cup thinly sliced fennel

DRESSING

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

¼ cup fresh orange juice

¼ teaspoon white wine vinegar

1 teaspoon chopped fresh tarragon

Salt and pepper to taste

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