The Serenity Solution: How to Use Quiet Contemplation to Solve Life's Problems (7 page)

Return to our camera lens analogy again. What happens when we

shake a camera around or hold it in the same position every time we take
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a picture? We get limited information. So it is with a problem when we look at it with an improper focus.

For example, worry is the result of an unsteady focus and sadness is the result of a fixed focus. With worry, the mind starts with a known observation (e.g. a facial gesture) and leap-frogs to more and more extreme extrapolations (e.g. “I know he/she hates me. This is the end to the relationship? How can I go on?”). Whereas with sadness, the mind selectively focuses on the negative and does not entertain other views (e.g. “Why bother. It always turns out bad.”)

With the flexible control provided by a calm focus, we can hold our focus steady at one point and shift it at another, thereby avoiding the extremes of leap-frogging and fixed thinking, while also increasing our range of information we know about a problem (e.g. “Though I might believe at the moment that things will turn out bad let me at least explore some avenues I might take.”).

Let’s try a simple exercise to begin controlling our focus flexibly. Go back to the vase/faces illusion; this is the one where when we look at the picture one way, we see a vase. If we look at it another way, we see two faces facing each other.

See if you can see the vase right now and hold that view for a moment.

Keep that view in your focal awareness. Now, shift your focus and see the faces. Stay calm as you shift. Then, hold it there for a moment. Now, shift your focus again and see the vase once more. Hold it. Now try to see the picture for what it is: as two curvy lines. Don’t form it into either a vase or two faces. Remember to stay calm. Now go to the vase … then the faces … and finally back to the lines again. See how easily you can shift from one view to the other.

With practice, this handy little exercise will teach you how to flex your focusing muscle. The key is to practice shifting fluidly from one view to the other and holding each view for a moment without shifting to the
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other view. If you can do this, you’re well on your way to learning how to expand your view of a problem and its solution.

As we said earlier, a problem often involves multiple views. For example, a husband and wife may have two different views on how to discipline their children. By being able to shift and see other views, it’s easier to come to a unified approach on a problem. The two parents, for instance, may begin to see some benefits in each disciplinary approach and incorporate the best of both into one parenting method.

In the following chapters, we will practice shifting focus and seeing multiple views. To get started, try the focus control exercises at the end of this chapter and see how well you can begin to flex your focus.

Below are exercises that will begin teaching you how to control your focus so that you may better utilize it to explore a problem. As we have discussed, in order to solve a problem, we must have the right view of it, and this requires focus control. The right focus will enable us to sustain thought on a problem long enough to explore it and discover a solution.

Observe the content of your mind right now as you read this sentence.

Is your attention focused fully on what you’re reading? Or is your mind wandering to other things? More often our focus is divided and we do not fully process or comprehend any one thing.

Fortunately, we can practice controlling our focus and the direction of our thoughts. In the following two exercises, you will learn first how to reign in unproductive thought and redirect it; and then, in the third exercise, you will learn how to break free of entrenched thought.

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Exercise 3.1: Settling Focus

1. Go to a quiet, comfortable place free from distraction.

2. Sit in a comfortable, upright position and place your hands

on your thighs.

3. Take three deep breaths and relax.

4. Quiet down your thoughts.

5. Select a target to focus on, such as a candle flame,

photograph, or a piece of fruit. Put the object in front of

you. This will be your focal point. Focus on this target and

nothing else. If your mind should wander simply bring it

back to your target. Think of this process as re-centering a

camera frame that has strayed from its mark. Repeat this

simple refocusing or re-centering as many times as needed

until you can remain focused on the target for 2 minutes.

Build eventually to 5 minutes.

Exercise 3.2: Redirecting Focus

1. Close your eyes and imagine an upcoming encounter that

might cause some tension, something mild, like paying

a bill. Let your thoughts come freely as you envision this

encounter. Notice any tension rising in your body.

2. Snap your fingers and order it to stop. Imagine a big red

stop sign in front of you. Cancel all inner pictures and talk.

Sustain a quiet mind without any thoughts for a moment.

3. Redirect your focus to your present body sensations. Take a

deep breath … release … and relax your muscles.

4. Now, turn the outcome around. Replay the scenario, but

this time see yourself handling the situation with calm and

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confidence (e.g. paying the bill on time or doing what is

necessary to extend or mend it) and tell yourself: “I’ve got

this. It’s no problem.”

By practicing these two simple exercises on a regular basis, you will begin to control your focus and stop unproductive trains of thought before they get going.

Sally uses the redirecting focus exercise to quell disagreements with her husband. Whenever she finds that she is about to react blindly and internalize hurtful statements, she imagines a big red stop sign and tells herself: “Stop. Don’t internalize or own it. Instead, think: ‘What is the best way to handle this situation?’” By doing so, she is staying out of autopilot (and arguments), and is getting into the habit of increasing her inner and outer peace.

Exercise 3.3: Breaking Fixed Focus

In this exercise, we’re going to practice disengaging from a fixed view and seeing other views. The most common fixed views are long-held notions about the self. The goal of this exercise is to begin to learn to step back from negative notions and entertain other viewpoints.

First, choose a negative belief about yourself, such as “I lack confidence” or “I am unlikeable” and write it in the space provided below.

Next, put this notion aside for a moment, and in a relaxed state of mind, write down as many examples as you can think of that disproves this notion in the next space provided. Don’t censor your thoughts at this time.

Just write down any reasons you may have. Include prior examples or exceptions. For example, if you believe you lack confidence, list as many examples as you can think of from your past where you displayed some confidence.

If you can’t find any examples, it’s probably because you’re holding tight to your negative self-notion. If this is the case, write any example that
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comes close to being an exception. For example, if the negative self-notion is a lack of confidence, write any examples that looked like confidence, such as a little less fear or doubt when taking action; this may include times when you spoke up, made a decision, or stuck to a decision.

Afterwards, review your counter-examples and ask yourself: “Do I

fully believe this original notion about myself? Or is it possible that I just think this from time to time?” Hopefully, if you’ve found enough counter-examples, your view has shifted from its original position. If not, you may still be holding firm and need to go back and find some more examples until you can move your position at least a little.

Negative Self Notion:

Counter Examples and Exceptions:

Many clients report that of all the exercises in this book this is the hardest exercise to perform. This is understandable given that most self-notions have remained unchallenged for so long that they become a fixed feature in the background of most people’s minds, thereby conveying an aura of absolute truth. The remedy is to get into the habit of challenging these notions early (and often) before they become fixed.

Rating Focus Control

Rate your ability to control your focus in the preceding exercises on a 1-10

scale, where 1 represents no ability to control and 10 stands for complete focus control. What number did you give yourself? What could you do next to raise your control up one point?

It is okay if you didn’t do as well as you expected on these exercises. It’s a start. Just remember to practice them as they will form the foundation
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for your ability to use your focus to solve problems. Practice until you can comfortably focus on your target for 5 minutes, break from a target when desired, and/or can rate your focus-control ability at 8 or higher.

As with any skill, your proficiency at controlling your focus will increase with use. In time, you should notice your ability to stay and shift focus increase; and, as your focus control increases, the better you’ll find success in problem solving and daily life.

four

Broadening Awareness

(The Detached

Observer Mode)

“One can’t see the forest for the trees.”
—Old Proverb

The next problem-solving advantage of calm focus is broadening awareness or the detached observer mode. Once we enter into a calm focus and learn to shift it flexibly, we may begin to mentally step back and look at the larger aspects of our lives and their interrelationships. We call this tactic
situation overview
.

Situation Overview: Extracting the Central Factor

Situation overview involves looking at the major sources of a problem, and how they interact, before we do anything else, so we’re sure we’re
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focused on the real problem—the major influence in our lives—and not a tangent issue. Recall that once we become aware of something—such as the real cause of a problem—we then can do something about it. We have more choice and control over it.

For instance, in our earlier example of feeling sad, when we step back and look at our weight gain, lack of interest, and social isolation, we see that we are lonely. With this awareness we are then in a better position to do something about this loneliness.

Situation overview is similar to zooming out of a scene and capturing the scene’s overall context. By seeing the broader relationships in a scene, we can better determine what we’re dealing with and how to deal with it.

Therefore, when observing our lives in perspective, we do not get

caught up in any particular aspect, its details, or emotional reactions at this point. We simply stand back, observe, and gather information about the overall interrelationships of major aspects. Recall that broad focus is an open, receptive state of mind and is the reason we call it the detached observer mode.

It’s wise to stand back and look at problems in perspective because too often life problems are ill-defined and involve a number of factors. There are typically external factors from multiple sources, such as work, finances, health, and relationships; and then there are internal factors, such as our perceptions and our emotional-physical reactions to these external pressures. We may, for instance, have a problem at work and also suffer from worry, negative self-talk, and low output in response to our work problem.

However, not all factors in an ill-defined problem are equal in importance. Some contribute more to creating a problem than others; and some are a distraction to problem-solving if we focus on them. For example, engaging in disagreement with our spouse when we’re really mad at our boss is a distraction from the real issue which is our boss.

In fact, most problems persist because we’re too up close on them and focusing on the wrong factors. We can’t see what is the real issue—what’s
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causing most of the problem. Although there may be a number of contributing factors, there is often one factor that is causing most of the problem.

We call this factor the
central factor
as opposed to
peripheral factors
. It is the dominant influence in a problem or the most pervasive factor.

In counseling, we call the central factor the
real problem
as opposed to the
presenting problems
. In our earlier example, this would be our issue with our boss, which may stem from an even broader factor related to our security at work or our general outlook on life.

Spousal

Central Factor:

Arguments

Conflict with

the Boss

Lack of

Body

Motivation

Tension

Illustration 4.1: The Central or Common Factor

The central factor typically can be found by looking at the common connection among a number of complaints. Solving a problem becomes much easier when we attend to this central factor instead of all of the other factors.

In his book,
Lateral Thinking
, Edward de Bono refers to the central factor as the
dominant idea
or
theme
. According to De Bono, when we are not aware of a problem’s dominant idea, we can never be sure we have
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escaped its influence. We may take action on the problem, and even think we’ve found a solution or way out, but in actuality, still be under the influence of this dominant idea or theme.

Identifying the central factor is also the basis for the common phrase,

“A problem well-defined is one that is half-solved,” coined by the Ameri-can philosopher, John Dewey; that is, again, when we can clearly define what we’re dealing with (i.e. the real problem), we can see better how to deal with it (i.e. how to get beyond its influence).