The Secret Woman (18 page)

But why should I be concerned. If Lady Crediton decided against me, that would settle the matter, and I should not have to make the decision.

Did I want to accept? Of course I did, for even though I knew that if I did I should see the Captain again and that I could be bitterly hurt, I found the prospect irresistible.

There were two roads open to me. I could go on in my drab way or I could seek strange new adventures. But I said to myself: I could find disaster along either road. Who could say?

So…let Lady Crediton decide for me.

I was in that hall again. There were the tapestries. I could almost hear his voice. What an impression he had made! Surely after all these years I should have forgotten him.

“Her ladyship will see you now, Miss Brett.” That was the dignified Baines, spoken of with awe by Ellen, the rather comic Baines of Chantel's journal.

I followed him up the stairs as I had on that other occasion. I felt as though I were going back in time and when he opened that door I should see Aunt Charlotte sitting there, bargaining for the escritoire.

She had changed little; she sat in the same high-backed chair; she was as autocratic as ever; but she was more interested in me than she had been on that other occasion.

“Pray be seated,” she said.

I sat down.

“I hear from Nurse Loman that you wish for the post of governess which is vacant.”

“I should like to hear more of it, Lady Crediton.”

She looked faintly surprised. “I understood from Nurse Loman that you were free to take the post.”

“I should be in a month or so, if it suited me.”

It was the way to treat her, as Chantel had said. And while she talked of my duties, my salary, one side of me was studying the room and assessing values in my usual way while the other was alert wondering what the outcome would be and trying to discover what I really wanted.

My lack of eagerness must have been an asset. Lady Crediton was so used to humility in those who worked in her household that any sign of independence disconcerted her and made her believe that any who showed it must have special qualities.

At length she said: “I shall be pleased, Miss Brett, if you agree to take this post and should like to see you here as soon as possible. I would be willing to make the same arrangement that I have with Nurse Loman. You would accompany the child to his mother's home and if you did not wish to stay you would be brought back to England
at
my
expense
. As the child's governess has already gone, we need her replacement as soon as possible.”

“I understand that, Lady Crediton, and I will let you know my decision within a day or so.”

“Your decision?”

“I have a business to clear up. I am sure it will take me the best part of a month.”

“Very well, but you can decide now. Suppose I agree to wait a month?”

“In that case…”

“The matter is settled. But, Miss Brett, I shall expect you to come as soon as possible. It is so…inconvenient for a child to be without a governess. I shall not take up references, since you have been recommended by Nurse Loman.”

I was dismissed; I came out of the room slightly dazed.

She had decided for me, but of course I should not have let her do that unless I had wanted her to.

Why deceive myself? As soon as Chantel had made this proposition, I knew that I was going to accept it.

***

It was mid-October before I left the Queen's House. Everything was settled. I had cleared out to a dealer the remaining pieces at a great sacrifice. Only the famous bed remained which was the house's heirloom and would never be moved. The new tenants were to arrive the day after I went to the Castle, and the keys of the house were with the house agent.

I walked through those empty rooms, seeing them as I never had seen them before. How lovely they were with the lofty carved ceilings which one had scarcely noticed before; the exciting little alcoves which had usually been occupied to invisibility; the buttery and stillroom restored to their original meaning. I was sure the new tenants would love the house. I had met them twice and the excitement in their eyes over the old beams, the herringbone decorations on the panels, the sloping floors and so on had made me realize that they would cherish the house.

My bags were packed; the station fly would be at the door any moment now. I took one more look round the house and the bell was tinkling. The fly had come.

So I walked out of the old life into the new.

***

This was my third visit to the Castle, but how different it was from the two previous ones. Then I had been paying calls; now I had come in order to be part of its life.

I was received by Baines and very soon handed over to Edith. This was a concession and due to the fact that not only was I Chantel's friend but Ellen had worked for me and, I presumed, given me a good reference.

“We hope you'll be very comfortable here, Miss Brett,” said Edith. “If there is anything which doesn't please you, you must let me know.” She had borrowed dignity from Baines. I thanked her and said that I was sure I should be comfortable during my stay in the Castle.

For that was what it was. We should be sailing in a month or so.

My room was in the turret which Chantel had described to me. The Stretton turret. Here lived the sick, hysterical Monique, Chantel and my charge.

I looked round the room. It was large and comfortably carpeted. The bed was a four-poster, small, uncurtained, early Georgian. There was a small chest, rather heavy—Germanic; with two chairs of the same period as the bed and one armchair. There was an alcove rather like the
ruelle
one finds in French châteaux and there were a table with a mirror, a hip bath, and toilet necessities. I should be more comfortable here than I had been in the Queen's House.

No sooner had Edith left me to unpack than Chantel came in. She sat on my bed and laughed at me. “So you're really here, Anna. It's wonderful how everything works out as I want it.”

“Do you think I shall be all right? After all, I have never had anything to do with small children. Edward will probably loathe me.”

“In any case he won't despise you as he did poor old Beddoes. Respect is what you have to get from children. Affection follows.”

“Respect? Why should this infant respect me?”

“Because he will see in you an omniscient, omnipotent being.”

“You make me sound like a deity.”

“That's exactly how I feel. At this moment I am proud of myself. I feel there is nothing I can't accomplish.”

“Why? Because you have succeeded in putting a friend into a vacant post?”

“Oh, Anna, please. Not so prosaic. Let me enjoy my power for a while. Power over Lady Crediton, who sees herself if ever anyone did as the reigning sovereign.”

“At least
she
has to come down to earth.”

“Anna, it
is
good to have you here! And think—we are going to the other side of the world…together. Doesn't that excite you?”

I admitted that it did.

The door opened and Edward peeped in.

“Come along in, my child,” cried Chantel, “and meet your new governess.”

He came—eyes alight with expectation. Oh yes, he was the Captain's son all right. He had the same eyes which turned up slightly at the corners. My emotions were startling. I thought how happy I would have been if he were my son.

“How do you do,” I said politely, extending a hand.

He took it gravely. “How do
you
do, Miss…Miss.”

“Brett,” said Chantel.

“Miss Brett,” he repeated.

He was somewhat precocious. I suppose his had been a rather unusual life so far. He would have lived on this island to which we were going and then suddenly he was brought to England and the Castle.

“Are you going to teach me?” he asked.

“I am.”

“I am rather clever,” he informed me.

Chantel laughed. “Edward, that is for others to decide.”

“But
I
have decided.”

“You hear that, Anna, he has decided that he is rather clever. That will make your task quite easy.”

“We shall see,” I said.

He regarded me warily.

“I am going on a ship,” he said. “A big ship.”

“So are we,” Chantel reminded him.

“Shall I do lessons on the ship?”

“But of course,” I put in. “Otherwise there wouldn't be any point in my coming.”

“I shall go on the bridge,” he said, “if we're shipwrecked.”

“For Heaven's sake don't say such a thing,” cried Chantel. She turned to me. “Now you have met Master Edward, let me take you and introduce you to his Mamma. She will be most interested to meet you.”

“Will she?” asked Edward.

“Of course, she will want to see the governess of her darling child.”

“I'm not her darling child…today. I am some days though.”

That bore out what Chantel had told me of his mother.

I had met his child, now I was to meet his wife.

Chantel took me to her. She was lying in bed and I felt a twinge of emotion which I could not quite analyze. She was so beautiful. She lay back on lace-edged pillows and she wore a white silk and lace bed jacket over her nightdress. There was a faint flush in her cheeks and her dark eyes were luminous. She breathed heavily and with some difficulty.

“This is Miss Brett, Edward's new governess.”

“You are a friend of Nurse Loman's.” She made it a statement rather than a question.

I agreed that I was.

“You are not much like her.” I could see that was not meant to be a compliment. She looked at Chantel and the corners of her mouth turned up slightly.

“I'm afraid not,” I said.

“Miss Brett is more serious than I,” said Chantel. “She will make an ideal governess.”

“And you had a furniture shop,” she said.

“You could call it that.”

“You couldn't,” declared Chantel indignantly. “It was an antique business, which is very different. Only highly skilled people who know a great deal about old furniture can manage an antique shop successfully.”

“And Miss Brett managed this successfully?”

It was a sly thrust. If I had managed successfully in such a highly skilled endeavor why should I be taking the post of governess?

“Very successfully,” said Chantel. “And now that you have met Miss Brett I am going to suggest you have your tea; and after that a little rest.” She turned to me. “Mrs. Stretton had an attack yesterday…not a bad one…but still an attack. I always insist on her being very quiet after them.”

Yes, Chantel was in charge.

Edward, who had been watching the scene quietly, said that he would sit by his Mamma and tell her about the big ship they were going to sail on. But she turned her face away and Chantel said: “Come and tell me instead, Edward, while I cut your Mamma's bread and butter.”

So I went back to my room to finish my unpacking and I felt somewhat light-headed, as though I had strayed into some dream, completely out of touch with reality.

I stood at the turret window and looked out. I could see right across the grounds to the gorge and beyond it to where the houses of Langmouth looked like dolls' houses in a toy town from this distance. And I thought am I really here—I, Anna Brett, in the Castle at last—governess to
his
son, living in close contact with
his
wife.

And then I thought: Was I wise to come?

Wise? By the state of my feelings I knew that I had been most unwise.

I settled down to my duties immediately. I found my pupil as he himself had informed me bright and eager to learn. He was wayward as most children are and while he was quite good at the lessons which appealed to him—such as geography and history—he set up a resistance against those which he did not like such as arithmetic and drawing.

“You will never be a sailor unless you learn everything,” I told him and this impressed him.

I had discovered that he could always be lured to do something if he was told it was what sailors did. I knew why.

Of course the Castle fascinated me. It was a fake, as Aunt Charlotte had said, but what a glorious fake. In building the Castle, the architects had certainly had the Normans in mind and here was displayed the massiveness of that kind of architecture. Arches were rounded, the walls very thick, the buttresses massive. The staircases which led to the turrets were typically Norman—narrow where built into the wall and widening out. One had to watch one's step on these but I did this automatically because I never ceased to marvel at the skill in giving them such an appearance of antiquity. The Creditons had done what one would expect of them—they had combined antiquity with comfort.

I learned from Chantel that we were sailing on
Serene
Lady
. “And I trust,” said Chantel, “that she will live up to her name. I should hate to be seasick.” We were carrying a cargo of machine tools to Australia and after a short stay there we should go on to the islands with another cargo, she supposed.

“There will only be twelve or fourteen passengers, so I heard, but I'm not at all sure. Don't you feel excited?”

I did, of course. When I had seen Monique and the boy I had wondered about the wisdom of my coming, but I knew that if I had the opportunity to make the decision again I would do exactly the same. It was a challenge.

Chantel guessed my thoughts. “If you had stayed in England and gone on with your drab plans you would have settled down to a life of regrets. There's nothing more boring, Anna, for you and for those about you. You would have set up an image of your Captain and enshrined it in your memory. Why? Because nothing exciting would have happened to you. When you experience something like that, the only way to get it out of your mind is to impose images over it. And one day something so wonderful will happen that it will completely obliterate it. That's life.”

I often said to myself: “What should I do without Chantel?”

During my second week at the Castle I came face to face with the Captain.

I had walked in the grounds as far as the cliff edge and stood by the rail looking over at the sheer drop when I was aware of someone coming up behind me.

I turned and there he was.

“Miss Brett,” he said; and held out his hand.

He had changed a little. There were more lines about his eyes; there was a grimness about his lips which had not been there before.

“Why…Captain Stretton.”

“You look surprised. I do live here, you know.”

“But I thought you were away.”

“I've been up to the London office, getting briefed for my voyage. But I'm back here now, as you see.”

“Yes,” I said, seeking to cover my embarrassment. “I see.”

“I was very sorry to hear about your aunt…and all the trouble.”

“Fortunately Nurse Loman was with me.”

“And now she has brought you here.”

“She told me that the post of governess to your…son…was vacant. I applied and was given it.”

“I'm glad,” he said.

I tried to speak lightly. “You have not really tested my qualifications yet.”

“I am sure they are…admirable. And our acquaintance was far too brief.”

“I do not see how it could have been otherwise.”

“I was going to sea, I remember. I shall never forget that night. How pleasant it was…until your aunt returned. Then the warm cozy atmosphere was gone and we had to face her disapproval.”

“That night was the beginning of her illness. She came to my room after to speak to me.”

“By which you mean to reprimand?”

I nodded. “Going back to her room she fell over a piece of furniture.”

“Her furniture?”

“Yes, but she fell down the stairs and that was the beginning of her being crippled.”

“You must have had a trying time.”

I did not answer, and he went on: “I thought of you often. I wished I had been able to call again and ask what happened. And then I heard that she had died.”

“Everyone was talking of it at the time.”

“After I left you, I went off on
The
Secret
Woman
. You remember the name of the ship.”

I did not tell him that I still had the figurehead which I had taken him up to my bedroom to see.

“That was disastrous too,” he said.

“Oh.”

But he had changed the subject. “So now you are here to teach young Edward. He's a bright boy, I believe.”

“I believe he is so.”

“And you are sailing shortly on
Serene
Lady
.”

“Yes. For me it is something of an adventure.”

“It is years since you have been at sea,” he said. “At least I suppose you have not sailed since you came home from India.”

“I'm surprised that you remember that.”

“You would be even more surprised if you knew how much I remembered.”

He was looking at me intently. I was suddenly happier than I had been since I had last seen him. It was foolish but I couldn't help it. I thought: It is the way he has. He looks at women as though he finds them interesting, making them feel they are important in his eyes. It's just a habit charming people acquire. Perhaps it is the very essence of charm. But it doesn't mean anything.

“Well, that is flattering,” I said lightly.

“At the same time I must convince you that it is the truth.”

“I should need a little convincing,” I said.

“Why?”

“You are a sailor. You are accustomed to adventures. That evening at the Queen's House for me was an adventure. For you it was a casual encounter. You see, my aunt's return and her fall made it high drama for me.”

“Well, I was part of the drama, too.”

“No. You had already left the stage before the drama began.”

“But the play's not over is it? Because here are two of the characters engaging in their dialogue in another scene.”

I laughed. “No, it ended with Aunt Charlotte's death. ‘The drama of the Queen's House.'”

“But there'll be a sequel, perhaps it will be the comedy of
Serene
Lady
.”

“Why should it be a comedy?”

“Because I always liked them better than tragedies. It's much more fun to laugh than cry.”

“Oh, I agree. But sometimes it seems to me that there is more in life to cry about than to laugh at.”

“My dear Miss Brett, you are misled. I shall make it my duty to change your view.”

“How…when?” I asked.

“On
Serene
Lady
, perhaps.”

“But you…”

He was looking at me intently.

“But surely you had heard? She's my ship. I shall be in charge of her during our voyage.”

“So…you…”

“Don't tell me you're disappointed. I thought you would be pleased. I assure you I am a most capable master. You need have no fears that we'll founder.”

I gripped the rail behind me. I was thinking I should never have come. I should have found that post which would never again have brought me into contact with him.

I was not indifferent to him; I could never be, and he was aware of this. He did not mention his wife any more than he had on that other night. I wanted to talk of her. I wanted to know of the relationship between them. But what concern was it of mine?

I should never have come. I knew it now.

***

There followed weeks of feverish energy. Chantel was in a state of great excitement.

“Who would have believed this possible when we were in the Queen's House, Anna?”

“I admit it's strange that we should both be here, and about to leave the country.”

“And who brought it about, eh?”

“You did. And did you know that Edward's father is the Captain of our ship?”

She was silent for a while. Then she said: “Well, we have to have a captain, don't we? We can't sail without one.”

“So you did know,” I said.

“In due course. But does it matter, Anna?”

“I knew that I would sail with his wife and son but not with him.”

“Does it bother you?”

I must be frank with Chantel. “Yes,” I said, “it does.”

“He still has power to stir your emotions in spite of the fact that you know him for what he is.”

“What is he?”

“A philanderer. A maritime Casanova. Oh, nothing serious. He likes women. That's why women like him. It's a false theory that we like misogamists. We don't. The men who are attractive to women are those who are attracted
by
women. It's simply a matter of flattery.”

“That may be, but…”

“Anna, you're perfectly
safe
. You know him now. You know when he says charming things and gives you languishing looks it's all part of a game. It's not an unpleasant game. It's known as Flirtation. Quite enjoyable as long as you know how to keep it under control.”

“As you do…with Rex.”

“Yes, if you like.”

“You mean you know Rex will never marry you, that he is going to propose to Miss Derringham, but you can be quite happy being what you would no doubt call flirtatious friends?”

“I can be quite happy with my relationship with Rex,” she said firmly. “As you must be about yours with our gallant Captain.”

“I can see,” I said, “that I must learn from your philosophy of life.”

“It has served me very well so far,” she admitted.

***

Teaching was easier than I had believed. Perhaps it was because I had such a bright and interested pupil. We studied maps together and I traced our journey with him. His eyes—so like his father's, except that they were brown—would light up with excitement. The map was not a sheet of paper with different colored portions; it was a world.

“Here,” he would say, putting a finger into an expanse of blue, “is Mamma's island.”

“You see it is not very far from the continent of Australia.”

“When she gets there she'll be happy,” he told me.

“Let us hope that we shall all be happy there.”

“But…” His eyes were puzzled, and he struggled to express his thoughts. “We are now. It's only Mamma who has to be happy. It's because it's her island, you see.”

“I see.”

“The Captain will love her again there,” he announced gravely. He always spoke of his father as the Captain with reverence and awe. I wondered how much he heard of their quarrels and what construction he put on them.

Monique never made any attempts to restrain herself, and I was near enough to her room often to hear her voice raised in anger. Sometimes she seemed to be pleading. I wondered how he was with her. Was he unhappy? He did not seem so. But then he probably treated his marriage too lightly to be especially bothered because it was not a success. As Chantel had said of him: He liked all women too well to be too much involved with one. That must be a comfort to him, and yet what sorrow for the woman who loved him, as I believed Monique did.

I should never have come. I was not sufficiently aloof. It was no use my trying to adopt Chantel's philosophy. It could never be mine. I was already too deeply involved.

And Chantel, was she as in command of her feelings as she would have me believe?

When I saw her walking in the gardens with Rex it would have been easy to believe that they were lovers. There was something about their pleasure in each other's company, the way they talked and laughed together. Is she as invulnerable as she pretends? I wondered; and I was concerned that she might be hurt as I had been.

Such uneasy weeks they were. I think the happiest hours were those when I was alone with Edward. We had taken to each other. I think I must have been an improvement on the not very satisfactory Miss Beddoes, and it is always easier to follow a failure than a success. Lessons had become centered round the coming trip. That was easily explained in geography, but I found myself telling of the colonization of Australia and the arrival of the First Fleet. In arithmetic he found it easier to concentrate when the sums were concerned with cargo. A magic word in itself.

Whenever we went out our walks always took us to those heights where we could look down on the docks and see the shipping spread out before us.

Edward would dance about with excitement.

“Look at her. She's a wool clipper. She's going to sail to Australia. Perhaps we'll get there before her. I think we shall…because we are sailing with the Captain.”

Once we took the binoculars with us and there we saw her. We could make out her name painted on her side in bold black letters:
Serene
Lady
.

“That's our ship, Edward,” I told him.

“It's the Captain's ship,” he replied soberly.

“They're getting her ready for her journey,” I added.

The time was close at hand when we should leave England.

It was a thrilling moment when, Edward's hand in mine, I climbed the gangway and stepped onto the deck of
Serene
Lady
. I felt reckless and yes, happy. I couldn't help it. The excitement of the adventure was with me, and I knew that had I stayed behind and known that on this ship Redvers Stretton sailed—and Chantel with him—I should have been as depressed and unhappy as I ever was in my life.