The Secret Love of a Gentleman (23 page)

She forced the thought away, as she’d forced the pain away over the weeks since Rob had left, and clung to the words he hid within his letters. But what would happen when the words stopped… She must think that they would stop. She could not let herself hope for any more. The words would stop at some point. Maybe even after the autumn. There could be nothing more than this between them, when she could not bear children.

She took a breath, told a footman to have the trap Drew had bought her made ready, then hurried upstairs to fetch a bonnet.

She would not fret, she would continue as she was and go to London in a fortnight, and remember the summer with fondness, then come home and carry on, and allow him to forget her. She had promised him she expected nothing from him. She would honour her promise.

Chapter 21

The street was full of noise and bustle, the sound was intense, vendors shouting out their wares from the kerb, the clop of horses’ hooves on cobbles and the rumble of iron-rimmed carriage wheels. There seemed to be people and vehicles everywhere in London. She’d forgotten all of this, this haste and clamour. Her anxiety thrived like a living, breathing monster as she pressed back into the squabs of Drew’s carriage.

She turned her gaze away from the window and looked at Drew.

He smiled.

George was curled into his side asleep and Mary was seated beside him sleeping too, with Iris also asleep in her arms.

Caro sighed. A part of her was still not certain she should have come, this was probably stupid, and yet Rob had continued to speak to her in his letters, and so she had come, as she’d promised.

But she had been happy in the months since he’d left, or perhaps a better word would be content, and so if she came and he turned his back, it would hurt and spoil the memories she’d clung to. She did not wish them spoiled.

Many things they’d done and said in the summer had played through her head as she’d travelled, and his last words in a letter had run through her mind too.
I am so glad you are coming up to town, and that Caro is coming too. I will look forward to seeing you all at John’s
.

Her eyes turned to look from the window again.

They were going to stay at the Duke of Pembroke’s townhouse. She’d never visited before. She’d not been to town since she’d run away, slipping out through the back of the dressmaker’s shop, with Drew, three and a half years before. She was terrified. Terrified not only of the noise and the open space and being at social events with many people, but of meeting people she’d known in her former life.

As the carriage rolled on through London’s busy streets, her palms grew damp and cold.

Albert would be in town, sitting in the House of Lords. Of course she’d known that when she’d said she would come. It was testimony to how much she wished to see Rob.

Pain and fear twisted in her stomach when she thought of Albert. They were nearing his house—foolishly there were still other feelings. Her heart remembered loving him. It refused to forget. She remembered Rob’s eyes, and his touch on that narrow bed in the dirty hut. That was what she wished to hold close. Her memories of her marriage bed were false.

Drew leant forward and squeezed her hand. “You will have a dozen or more people about you, Caro, at all times. You will not be at risk. Besides, Kilbride has moved on. I do not think he will give you another thought.”

No, yet why did that hurt more than it eased her fear.

She nodded as Drew let go of her hand and sat back.

But she could not simply set aside three years of her life. There was no relief in hearing that Albert would not think of her. Her life had been left empty when she’d left him, bearing the guilt and shame of failing to make her husband happy, and failing to fulfil her duty to bear him children. His life had carried on regardless.

But now her life had begun to continue, because of Rob…

If she had to face Albert in a room full of people, she hoped Rob would be with her, and she hoped Albert would ignore her, because if he did anything else she would not know what to do.

Her heart beat in time with the rhythm of the horses’ hooves as the carriage turned into one of the busiest streets near where she’d used to live. They past the dressmaker’s from which she’d run.

A sadness crept over her soul when she looked. She’d not known that day how much her life would change, or how it would make her feel.

They turned into the street where she’d once lived and she saw the vast house that had been hers to manage.

Was Albert within?

“Caro,” Drew said drawing her eyes to him, deliberately. “I am not sure who will be there, when we get to John’s. Often in the afternoon a number of the family call. Sometimes there are also other callers.” It was a warning, preparing her to be thrown into the deep.

But she was more accustomed to people now, yet not large crowds.

She nodded, although her heart thumped so hard she feared she’d collapse as it rang in her ears.

The carriage rumbled on into Regent Street, and then she saw the Duke of Pembroke’s Palladian property set back from the road.

Her vision darkened. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She did not wish to faint.

Would Rob be here to greet them?

She pictured him on the night of the assembly and remembered how he’d talked her through her fear. That had been the first time they’d kissed.

As the carriage pulled to a halt, Drew lifted his son on to his lap. George woke and made a whimpering sound as he stretched and yawned.

Mary woke, looking sleepy-eyed. Drew smiled at her, with love in his eyes. Jealousy pierced Caro’s heart, which was entirely wrong, because she was happy for her brother.

When a footman opened the door, Drew climbed down first, George clinging to his neck and balancing on his arm. Then he turned back and held a hand out to help Mary down. When he let her go he lifted his hand to help Caro.

She felt exactly as she had done on the stairs leading to that assembly hall months before, but she’d learned courage and she had faith in herself. She could walk through glass walls. She did not let them trap her in anymore.

“Come,” Drew offered his free arm, as George clung to him, and Mary climbed the steps ahead of them holding Iris.

Caro gripped it, clutching at the support he gave.

“I warn you I do not feel well,” she whispered as they climbed the steps, “I feel a little faint.”

“I know,” he answered in a solid tone, “you are as white as a sheet, Caro.”

“I am pathetic, aren’t I?” she whispered.

“Nonsense! What you are is brave. I never thought I would see you return to town when you let your fear control you. But we both know this is only the beginning. It will take considerable courage for you to go on. But you will not fail at this first hurdle. You have developed too much strength for that. Now you have set your mind to putting your past aside, you can achieve anything. You can do this, and you know it too.”

The hall was huge, and cold, both in appearance and in temperature. The floor was black and white squares of marble, but the walls were giant structures of white marble, and the stairs were a pale stone.

“His Grace is expecting your arrival, Lady Framlington,” the butler was saying to Mary.

Mary looked over her shoulder and smiled before turning to climb the stairs to the first floor.

Caro lifted her chin, instilling her spine with steel. Drew was right. Rob had taught her that. She had once been a marchioness, she was equal to this family, and she had broken free from her glass gaol. She would not go back.

As they climbed the shallow stairs behind Mary, Caro heard voices spilling from somewhere on the first floor.

When they reached the landing, which was a clutter of objects, antiques, family busts and portraits, Mary was already entering a room further along. Exclamations followed her, the sound of people fussing over Iris.

Before Caro and Drew reached the room, though, the Duchess of Pembroke appeared and she hurried the few steps to greet them. “Drew, Caroline, how lovely to see you, and little George. Are you tired, sweetheart?” She brushed George’s cheek with her fingertips, as he buried his head against Drew’s shoulder. She looked up at Caro. “Would you like me to show you to your room, Caroline? So you might go there whenever you wish. Then if you feel uncomfortable at all you may disappear.”

Caro swallowed. The duchess was being kind, yet…“Thank you, but I am happy to wait until Mary and Drew retire to dress for dinner…” She did not even want the chance of an escape. She needed to believe that there was no escape; she had to achieve this. As Rob had said, if they were to be able to see each other while she was in town she had to socialise.

Yet the drawing room was full, just as Pembroke Place was each summer and at Christmas.

The Duke of Pembroke approached them as they entered, smiling broadly at Drew. “Welcome. Was your journey comfortable?”

“We deliberately chose the hour when the children would be sleeping. Hence the silence, George is not truly awake yet.” Drew lifted his arm, meaning she had to let go of it, and he ruffled George’s hair, while George gave his uncle a sheepish look then buried his face in Drew’s cravat.

“Paul?” George said in a muffled voice.

“Is in the nursery,” the Duke, John, answered. “I’m sure your Papa will take you up in a while.” He patted George’s shoulder then looked at Caro. “Caroline, this is an honour. Katherine and I are very glad you chose to come.”

With a determination she forced upon herself, Caro lifted her hand. If she was to be brave she must simply be brave.

He looked at it for a moment, surprised, but then held it gently and bowed.

“Thank you for inviting me.”

“Well, to us you are merely a member of the family and you must feel at home here.” He let her hand go. “Ask for anything you need, and do exactly as you wish.” He smiled. Caro smiled in return. “Take a seat. There is tea if you wish for a cup. Katherine.” he called across the room. The Duchess, who had been drawn into another conversation, turned back. “Tea, for Caroline and Drew.”

“Of course, come with me.”

Caro looked about the room, quickly glancing over its occupants. Rob was not here. Her throat dried. She had hoped he would be waiting for them.

As she and Drew walked across the room with Kate, Caro longed to ask,
is Robbie due to call today?
and yet she did not have the confidence. She feared they would think her interest odd.

~

Rob leapt down from his curricle, his heart pumping hard.

John’s grooms held the horses’ heads and so Rob left his animals in their hands and turned to go in.

He slipped off his riding gloves as he climbed the steps. They were coming today and Mary had said they would arrive late afternoon. A chilly autumn breeze swept at his long coat as he waited until the door opened. It was a footman—not Finch, the butler. He must be upstairs.

The weeks since he’d left Drew’s had felt long and he’d thought of Caro constantly. She could be yards away from him now.

He jogged upstairs, having left his hat, outdoor coat and gloves with the footman.

He was still in love with her, and so it felt very strange to not have spoken to her for weeks, not even in writing.

Yet he still had no route to fulfil his plan. What he’d discovered was that to even enter to run for a seat he needed money, and he needed money for his campaign for votes, and even if he won the seat, he would then need money to support himself while he sat in the House of Commons. All he’d done so far was invest some of his income from John in his Uncle Robert’s business properties. But that had felt traitorous to himself, because if he was to stand up and speak for the working class, how could he do so when he lived off his family? No matter that that was what the majority of those in the House of Commons did, he wished to be different.

So now his plan was suspended until he could find himself an alternative income. He’d spent some hours with John’s man of business to see if any aspect of the administration of estates might inspire him. But if he were to sit in Parliament he could not undertake a position that required his constant presence. Yet he’d said nothing to John of that when John had offered him the experience in a letter.

So to date he’d amused himself with horses, looking over them at Tattersall’s, walked about museums, boxed, fenced and fired pistols in Mantons, rather than commit to anything he did not wish to do. He was still fixed upon his plan, he simply needed to work out his route to achieving it. He needed a position that would give him an income but did not require his presence.

He might have thought about breeding horses, but his father’s friend Lord Forth, who bred them, had told him months ago that he did not have an eye for a good race horse. It was like everything, John was better at it, or his father had been better at it, or another member of his family was…

“Master Robert,” Finch, John’s butler welcomed Rob on the landing before the drawing room. “Do you wish me to announce you?”

“Has my sister arrived?” His heart pumped excitement and expectation into his blood as he awaited the answer.

“Indeed, sir, a little more than half an hour ago.”

“Thank you. There’s no need for an announcement.” Rob walked on past him. He heard many voices. He could not pick Caro’s out.

What if her feelings had changed?

His heart beat more violently when he walked into the room.

Mary had said in her letters that Caro had been doing more. She’d joined their party when they entertained and had begun visiting with Mary, as well as visiting two local women alone. She had friends.

If her feelings were changed…

If they were changed then he would always remember the time they’d spent together in the summer, and be grateful that Caro had been his first. But in his experience absence had made his heart grow fonder. He longed to see her. As he walked into the room, his gaze ignored everybody else and looked for her.

She was wearing mauve and her blonde hair was pinned up high, although a swirl had been left to hang to her nape and then curled across one shoulder. Her presence pierced his chest, as though a sword had run him through. She was even more beautiful and more delicate in appearance than he remembered.