The Sea of Aaron (20 page)

“Aaron, there's something I have to tell you.” Never in her life had Valerie dreaded such a moment.

The lights were dim and they were sitting in the living room of their Manhattan loft with the theatrical curtains drawn back, the sparkling city skyline strung before them, on what should have been an enchanted evening. How she wished she could just forget what she had to tell him and conclude the evening wrapped blissfully in her husband's arms.

Aaron set his wine glass down on the coffee table. “What is it? For the last hour, you've been like a DC-10 in a holding pattern, circling around the runway unable to land. Are you about to bring her down or abort?”

Disturbing analogy
, Valerie thought, swallowing hard. “I…I don't quite know how to say this, but I…we have a problem.”

Apprehension, or was it concern, flashed in his indigo eyes. “You're not sick, are you?”

She inhaled sharply. “No. Nothing like that.”

“What is it then?”

A faint ring of impatience edged his voice. She couldn't really blame him, could she? People who rambled and digressed often irritated her as well. The only thing she could do was just clear the air and brace herself for the fallout.

“It turns out I was wrong when I told you that I couldn't conceive. I went to the gynecologist two days before you got back and…and discovered that I'm pregnant.”

His eyes narrowed and he didn't even attempt to conceal the smoldering rage that tensed his face. “Really?” he said. “So it turned out that you were wrong, did it? Or would it be more accurate to say that you lied in the first place?”

“I didn't lie!” Valerie stood up, wringing her hands. “I really was told that I would probably never be able to conceive and—”

“Probably?” Aaron interrupted. “So now the key word is
probably
. You knew all along that there was at least the possibility that you could get pregnant. Yet you told me that you couldn't.” He rose abruptly and stalked toward the window to glare at the twinkling lights on the bridge.

To a degree, she felt he had a right to be upset. It had been years ago when she'd first been given that prognosis. She should have consulted another specialist, several even, in order to determine her fertility status, but at the same time his reaction was sparking an anger that was growing within her. “I'm sorry about this,” she said tightly. “I honestly told you what I felt to be true at the time. I'm only human, Aaron. I'm not in complete control over what goes on inside my body. The doctor…the one I saw two days ago…she told me that given my condition, it was unusual for this to occur…but it happened anyway. I didn't intend for this…”

“You're a nurse,” he said bitterly, accusingly. “And you have a bit more than a layman's knowledge about physiology. You should have known better.” He didn't turn to face her, and she was glad because she didn't want to see his eyes.

“I said I'm sorry.” She couldn't temper the anguish in her own voice. “What else can I say? It's not all about you. I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences…go through that…that procedure. I'm…”

The rest of what she was trying to say would not come out. The words stuck like a huge lump in her throat, and she knew she was in serious danger of bursting into useless tears. She turned and rushed from the room to the silence of the bedroom. Once inside, she closed the door and threw herself down on the bed, burying her face in the pillow. Pathetic, she knew. She was acting like a five-year-old, but she couldn't contain her emotions, and she couldn't bear to see that expression on his face. She clutched the pillow.

Five minutes passed. Ten. Fifteen. She heard the door open and felt the bed shift slightly as he sat on the edge.

“We can deal with this. It's going to be all right.” His voice sounded tight, controlled. “I'm sorry. If anyone should apologize, it's me. What happened was my fault.”

Valerie hesitated. She felt his surprisingly gentle touch, his long fingers stroking the back of her neck, as if she were a trembling kitten. She didn't want him to stop, didn't want to turn around. “What are you saying?” she half mumbled into the pillow.

“I was a fool for not using protection. That was my decision to make, not yours, and I should have stuck to it.”

Ouch.
He had apologized, but the apology was a double-edge sword, reminding her that she was the one who'd had such an aversion to his birth control obsession, and that he shouldn't have listened to her.

“I would imagine you're going to have to deal with this problem soon,” he said.

She lifted her head, resting her chin on her arm. “The doctor said as soon as possible.”

His fingers were still stroking her. “Is there much risk involved?”

“Minimal, if it's done early enough.”

“Have you scheduled anything yet?”

“No. I wanted to tell you first.”

“I'll be there with you, if you want me to be.”

Of course she wanted him to be there, but she didn't fully understand why she was still feeling confused and angry. She knew good and well that she couldn't actually have the baby. Her physical condition would not allow her to carry full term. She would probably have a traumatic miscarriage, risking her life. She'd probably…but she was doing the probably thing again. She didn't really know for a fact. How could she? She was not God, nor was she completely in control of the workings of her own body.

That was it. All the conflicting feelings were making her crazy, and the underlying anger was on account of Aaron's presumptuous easy resolution to the dilemma. Clean it up, forget all about it, and move on.

***

Dr. Kate Saunders called her in the morning, wanting to know if she could come to the office, and she accepted the afternoon appointment. Aaron came along with her. They were told that if they decided to go with the abortion, it would be done the next week. But the doctor had some other news. She informed them that she had consulted with a Dr. Lawrence, who specialized in high-risk pregnancies, and he had reviewed the test results. He wanted to speak to Valerie because he felt that it might be possible for her to carry the baby full term. Valerie didn't know how to respond to that. The news left her even more confused.

“There's no need to consult anyone else,” Aaron told the doctor bluntly. “We're not going to take that risk, so let's set up the appointment.”

“Yes, of course…if that's your final decision,” Dr. Saunders said, looking at Valerie.

Valerie nodded her head mutely.

On the ride back home, she felt her conflicting emotions and her anger mounting. What right did he have to speak for her? Why did she just sit there like a limp rag and silently sentence the new life within her to death—and that's what it would be, the death of an innocent child. She believed, had always believed, that life began at conception. Aaron wasn't even willing to give their baby a fighting chance.

“You're making the right decision. I hope you realize that,” Aaron said as they entered the apartment. He hesitated for a fraction of a second. “This is what you want, isn't it?”

“It's what you want.”

“And what is that supposed to mean? You know good and well that you can't attempt to have the baby. You told me before that you almost died when you had a miscarriage.”

“That was then. This is now.”

She looked up at him and his expression was mostly unreadable, but she did detect a bit of patronizing tolerance. Mr. Tough Guy was trying to be patient with his silly little overly emotional wife, who was on the brink of having a hormonal temper tantrum.

“I don't want to discuss this anymore,” she said, going off to the bedroom. “The problem will be solved next week.”

He appeared content with that, and she resisted the overpowering urge to smack the smug look off his face, which at the moment seemed more maniacal than handsome.

***

The following day Aaron was out of town and Valerie did the unthinkable. She knew she shouldn't because whatever was said would only make her even more upset, but she went to see the specialist her doctor had mentioned. Dr. Lawrence talked to her for a long time, explaining the risks and what could be done to circumvent them. He spoke of his success rate with cases similar to hers. She took notes and told him that she would let him know what her final decision was.

Predictably she left his office in a quandary, even more upset than before. How could she terminate the pregnancy when there was the possibility that she could go full term? What right did she have to snuff out a life that the Creator had entrusted her with? But, on the other hand, what if it really meant sacrificing her own life?

The same day, she decided that the only person she could discuss the matter with was Jasmine, but even then, she didn't plan to tell her the whole deal. Without calling her ahead of time, she took the drive out to Ramapo, hoping she'd be home, since she wasn't working during the final months of her own pregnancy.

Jasmine's eyes widened in surprise and then alarm when she heard the news. “Oh, my God. How did that happen?”

“Well, when two people of the opposite sex…”

Jasmine laughed and slapped her. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Valerie sighed heavily. “I don't know myself. I was convinced by more than one doctor that I was infertile and now…surprise.”

Jasmine shook her head. “Does Aaron know yet?”

“I told him.”

“Oh, boy. That must've been tough. Guess that means…since you won't be able to carry full term, that you'll have to take care of it soon.”

“Next Friday. Do you think you could go with me?”

“Sure…but isn't Aaron going to be with you?

“Nope.”

“Val, that's totally ridiculous. What's wrong with him?”

She hesitated. “It's not his fault. He did offer, but there's just something…I don't know. It's like I don't want him there. I'm kind of angry, and I'm not sure why.”

“Okay. I think I understand,” Jasmine said slowly. “You wish you could have the baby, and even though you know you can't, his eagerness to get rid of it seems cruel.”

She nodded wordlessly.

“I guess it's just another one of those disappointments that you have to get over and move on. I mean, it would be totally different if you actually could have the baby, and he was pressuring you to get rid of it just because that's what he wanted.”

Valerie flinched. She did not tell Jasmine that there was at least a possibility that she would be able to carry the baby. She knew the final decision was hers and hers alone to live with. She was going to be the one who would either incur Aaron's wrath or risk a guilty conscience for terminating a life.

***

Two days before the deadline, Valerie spoke to Aaron over breakfast. “I've decided that it's not necessary for you to be with me when I go for the…the procedure. Lots of women go through it all the time. It's no big deal.”

His eyes narrowed. “I thought we'd agreed that I would be there.”

“It's better if you're not with me. Please don't make the situation even more difficult than it already is.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Well, since you've made up your mind, I've got some business in Miami on that day, but I'll keep in touch.”

That's exactly where you wanted to be anyway,
she thought. “Yes, you do that,” she said in a tone that was even icier than she had intended.

Aaron gave her an odd, raised eyebrow gaze, but he didn't question her response, which was typical of him because he hadn't spoken of the dilemma since the doctor's visit. Ever since he'd learned about the pregnancy, he hadn't encouraged any physical intimacy between them, either. She assumed that they wouldn't be in normal mode again until the issue was settled.

Friday morning Valerie could not will herself to go out the door. She'd spent the night before going over and over in her head what was about to take place. She'd visualized the sterile clinic surroundings, sitting on a cold table wearing a flimsy paper gown, being anesthetized and awakening with the problem all gone. The spark inside snuffed out. She couldn't move. She couldn't budge.

The phone rang. It was Jasmine asking her if she was ready to go. Valerie told her that she had a migraine and would reschedule the appointment in a few days. Who was she fooling? She had decided that she was going to try to have the baby. It wasn't a total dismissal of Aaron's feelings or wishes, but neither of them had the right to terminate what God had entrusted her with. God would determine the outcome. Aaron would just have to accept this as another challenge in their married lives.

***

The phone rang in the mid-afternoon, about three hours after the abortion would have been completed, had she not changed her mind. Knowing full well who the caller was, Valerie did not immediately respond. Finally, when she knew she couldn't avoid telling Aaron the truth any longer, she picked up.

“Aaron,” she said, feeling awkward and cowardly. “Are you still in Miami?”

“Yes. What's going on?”

“Nothing. I…um. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I talked to the specialist Dr. Saunders referred me to, and I changed my mind. There is a possibility that I can have our baby, and I owe it to him or her to try.”

Silence on the other end. Dead silence.

She continued holding the phone to her ear, wondering if he'd actually hung up on her. She knew he was furious. Yet hanging up didn't seem to be his style.

“If you're expecting me to support this insanity, think again.” His tone was glacial. “I don't care what that charlatan told you. There are extreme risks involved. Your life takes precedence over an unborn child.”

Valerie squeezed her eyes shut, clutching the phone so tightly her knuckles turned white. “I understand you're worried, but I have no choice. This is a faith-based decision. I seriously believe that God intends for me to have the baby.” Even as she said the words, she realized that, to an agnostic, she sounded like a lunatic.

“So your benevolent God wants you to die, while bringing another unwanted person into the world. I made it perfectly clear from the start that I have no interest in raising a child.”

Her voice caught in her throat. “I'm not going to die. We can work it out. You'll see. It doesn't have to be such a terrible thing….”

“And so that's it? There's nothing I can say to convince you otherwise?”

Her voice quavered. “I've made my decision.”

“So be it. When I get back tomorrow, I'll let you know what
my
decision is.”

And with that he hung up. Boy, she did not like the sound of that. What if his decision was the termination of their marriage? She stared numbly at the ceiling. Okay, so he was upset—outraged, actually. But maybe he'd cool off between now and the time he got back home.

***

The day she dreaded—it seemed she dreaded most days lately—came while she was at her old apartment in Englewood. After she unlocked the door, Aaron entered and didn't even bother to take his jacket off before he lit into her.

“There were some well-defined conditions to our marriage,” he began. “You understood them, accepted them, and agreed to honor them. Now you're willing to betray my trust, go completely against my wishes, and then have the audacity to expect sympathy and acceptance. Did you think I was just playing games when I said I didn't want children? Did you?”

“No. I didn't,” Valerie said. She felt like a fool and a punching bag, absorbing his rage, pain, and frustration. The worst part was she didn't really have a comeback. Right or wrong, he was entitled to his feelings, and she could understand in a twisted way that he felt betrayed. If she didn't love him so much, there was no way she would be standing there taking his tongue-lashing.

“Then why? Why are you doing this? Was our so-called relationship a fraud, and you married me just so you could have a baby? You did the same thing to me that your ex did to you?”

She clenched her teeth. “How could you think that? That's not true and you know it! I've tried over and over to explain, but you're not getting it because you have no sense of spirituality…you don't want to believe in a Creator. This is
not
about me choosing a baby over you.”

His voice rose. “Then what the hell is it?”

“Aaron, don't yell at me!” She seized a pillow off the couch and gripped it tightly. “I can't stand your attitude right now, and maybe I'm insane, but I love you more than I've ever loved any other human. Do you hear that? More than any other person. But when it comes to the spiritual, I have to choose God's commands over your wishes…over my own wishes, even.” She took a deep breath. “If I lacked belief, then I wouldn't think twice about getting rid of the baby. Please try to understand. Please.”

Aaron shook his head, and for a moment Valerie thought she saw a glimmer of reconciliation beneath the surface of the rage. He sat down on the couch and stared at a spot on the wall just beyond her. “Whatever the outcome, you have forever changed our relationship,” he said.

Perhaps she had not seen reconciliation in his eyes after all. Valerie sat down on the opposite end of the couch, burying her face in her hands. “Is this it, then? The moment you tell me you want a divorce?”

Aaron said nothing. He rubbed his eyes wearily, and in his silence and body language she sensed a profound sadness.

He doesn't want a divorce.
At that moment she felt the strong urge to wrap her arms around him, but she refrained because it seemed like too much too soon. Cautiously, she moved an inch closer. “I still believe we can work this out together…without terminating the pregnancy.”

She was tempted to add that there was the distinct possibility that she'd have a miscarriage anyway, but she didn't say it because she knew from past experience that that could be disastrous as well. Still, she was older and wiser now. She'd take a lot more precautions than when she'd been younger and possessed the attitude of invincibility that gripped most youth.

“I can't promise you resolution,” Aaron said finally. “But we're looking at one day at a time for now.”

“Yes,” she said, trying to blink back tears.