The Running Series Complete Collection: 3-Book Set plus Bonus Novella (76 page)

“No shit.  What about Monday when you yelled at me in front of everyone and slept in the guest room?”

“I could have handled that differently, too.”

“Then why didn’t you, Evan?  Why are you doing this?  I don’t understand.  Tell me one thing, do you really think I would do those things?  Did you really think I was sleeping with them?  Both?”

“At the time, yes.  I really did.”

“And now?”

“No, of course not.”  He walks over and sits on a bar stool beside me.  “I’m so sorry for the terrible things I said.  And the horrible things I did.  When I saw you alone with Ryker, holding hands, saying the things he was saying, it was like someone flipped a switch and I couldn’t control my reaction.  It wasn’t until hours later when I calmed down that I realized what I had done.”  Evan is running his hands through his hair. 

“But by then, the damage was done.  And it was three days ago.  If you knew you were wrong, why did you wait so long?”

“I was going to come to you the next day, but right after I got home from practice, my parents were knocking on my front door.  I’m assuming I have you to thank for that.”

“If you’re asking me if I called your mother, the answer is ‘yes’.”  He shakes his head as if I just confessed to a crime.  “And I would do it again, too.  I did it because I love you, Evan.  Someone has to get through to you.”

“Why is it that all the women in my life think I need psychiatric help?  You, my mother, my sister.  You’re all convinced that there’s something wrong with me.”

“And the men?  What do they say?  What’s your father’s opinion about all of this?”

“My father agrees with Adam.  It’s just stress.  I need to take a break, slow down and take up a hobby, like golf.” 

“Seriously?  Golf?  You must be kidding me.  Are you actually saying that there’s nothing wrong with what you did?”

“No, I’m not saying that.  I’m saying I lost control and I swear to you, to my mother, to everyone, that it won’t happen again.”

“That’s what worries me the most, Evan, your lack of control.  What happens next time?  Suppose you convince yourself that I’ve committed some sort of an offense against you?  How do I know you won’t lose control again?”

“I won’t.  I would never, ever, hurt you.”

“But you did, Evan.  The things you said to me – I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way you looked at me.  You had pure hatred in your eyes.”

“I was never so mad in my entire life, Juliette.  I thought I was losing you.  It felt so real.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“I know.  What can I say to make things better?  Tell me, and I’ll do it.”

“There’s nothing you can say, Evan.  What’s done cannot be undone.”

“What are you saying?  Juliette, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Evan, I came here tonight hoping to find a man with a plan on how to make things right.  I was hoping to find you ready for me with more than an apology.  I need to see that you have just a little bit of insight into this whole situation.  You don’t seem any closer to having the answers I need than you did yesterday.”

“Answers to what?  What kind of insight?”

“What happened to the man I fell in love with?  How could you allow yourself to speak to the person you claim to love the way you did?”

“I told you how sorry I am and I meant it.  I feel awful.”

“I know, but why did it happen in the first place?”  Evan closes his eyes and shrugs his shoulders.  “You don’t know, do you?  That’s the insight I’m talking about.”

“Juliette, come home.  Give it time.  You’ll see.  I promise it won’t happen again.  I won’t let it.”

“You can’t control it, Evan.  You said it yourself, more than once.  You can’t wish it away.  I think you need professional help.”

Evan gets up and walks away from me.  He’s staring across the horizon, watching the crashing waves sweep in and out.  “Now you’re really starting to sound like my mother.”

“Well, she’s right.”  I walk over to him and hand him the card Erin gave me.  “Here.  I found you a doctor.  His name is Walter Falkowski.  He specializes in PTSD.  I think you should contact him.”

He looks at the card and turns it over, examining the hand-written name on the back.  “Who’s Erin?  What did you tell her, Juliette?  How do you know she won’t tell the press?  What have you done?  You’ve just made things worse!”

“I didn’t tell her anything, Evan.  She’s a social worker at the hospital.  She has no idea who you are or who I am.  She never asked for names.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  I’m just trying to get you the help you need.  The help
we
need to get back on track.”

“I don’t need help.  And I definitely don’t have PTSD.  It’s like my father tried to tell my mother, I just need time to adjust.”

“No, you don’t.  You’re anxious all the time.  You don’t trust me, and you think your coaches are waiting for you to screw up.  It’s like you’re paranoid that everyone is out to get you.”  I walk over to him, wrap an arm around his waist and lean my head against his shoulder.  “I haven’t even mentioned the nightmares.  You’re tormented, Evan.  Why won’t you admit it?”

He wraps both arms around me and pulls me close.  “I’ll be better when you come home.  Part of the problem is lack of sleep.  I can’t sleep when you’re not with me.  I need you.”

I wrap both arms around his waist.  “Evan, I can’t sleep either.  But don’t forget, you’re the one who started sleeping in the guest bedroom.”

I feel his shoulders slump.  “I’m sorry.  I should have talked to you, but I was – ”

“You were mad.”  He nods.  “You’ve been angry a lot lately.”

He pulls me away just enough so he can look me in the eyes.  “How many times do I have to apologize, Juliette?  I know I was wrong.”

“I’m done.  I can’t do this any more.  We keep going around and around in circles, and getting nowhere.”  I break away from his hold, and start walking toward the house.

Evan grabs me, and pulls me back into his arms.  “Wait.  What do you mean you’re done?  Don’t give up on me, Juliette.”

“It hurts to hear those words, doesn’t it Evan?  Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with your words?  You keep saying you’re sorry, but you won’t do anything about it.  Your words are empty, Evan.  They mean nothing to me unless you’re willing to actually
do
something about it.  I don’t trust you any more.”  I need him to understand.  “Get help.  Deal with what happened with Averee.  Until you’re ready to accept the fact that she changed you, things between us will never be the same.”  I hold his face in my hands.  “Please, Evan.  Don’t let her do this to us.”

Evan turns away from me.  He walks to the edge of the deck and grasps the railing as if he’s holding on for dear life.  “Talking about that night isn’t going to make things better.  I’m trying so fucking hard to put it behind me and move on.  Do you have any idea how much that night haunts me?  Everyday, I ask myself why I didn’t see how sick she was sooner.  How I let her torment you day after day, week after week.  I play that night over and over in my mind, and I can’t help but wonder how close she actually came to hurting someone at the bar that night.  She could have killed you, Juliette.  She could have killed me.”  He turns around and sweeps me into his arms, holding me close.  “She got into our house.  She was in our
bedroom,
dammit.  Suppose you walked in while she was there?  Do you ever think about that?”  He takes a deep breath and whispers in my ear,  “I don’t see how you can forgive me.  I failed.  It’s my job as a man to protect you, and all I did was bring that monster into your world.  Every time you look at me, I feel like a failure.”

“I.  Love.  You.  Do you hear me?  I love you every bit as much today as the first day I saw you on the beach.  The day you carried me up here.”  I drag him over to our loveseat.  “You placed me right here, on this very love seat and took care of me.”  I place a soft kiss on his lips.  “Do you remember the first night you made love to me?  It happened right here, I couldn’t keep my hands off you.  Evan Thomas McGuire, you are my heart, my soul, my universe.  You will always be my today, my tomorrow, my happily ever after. You’re in my every thought and every dream.  And I’m begging you, please get help.  Call Dr. Falkowski.  Let him help us put our lives back together again.”

“Juliette, you don’t know what you’re asking of me.  I’ll apologize every day for the rest of my life.  I’ll find a way to make it right.  But don’t ask me to lie on some couch and relive every painful moment over and over again.  I can’t do it.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, because until you do, I can’t come home.” 

Evan just stares at me in disbelief.  I walk into the house and go straight to our bedroom.  I go into the closet and pull out one of Evan’s suitcases.  I start filling it with clothes that I think I might need for the next week or so.  When I finish packing, I go back out onto the deck. 

Evan is sitting on the love seat, slumped over, holding his head in his hands.  He looks up at me, eyes red and swollen, “Is this it?  Is it over?  Are you leaving me?”

“I’ll be at Auggie’s.  You know where to find me if you change your mind.  I’ll be waiting for you.  Please don’t make me wait long.  I won’t wait forever, Evan.”

He says nothing.  I have no choice.  I toss the bag in the back of my car, and leave without looking back.  I’ve done everything I can do. 

Let the Chips Fall Where They May

T
he next day, I arrive at Rush early hoping to find something to do to keep myself busy.  Auggie’s parents will be with him at the hospital all day, leaving me with nothing to do.  As I walk up to the front door, I’m shocked to see Adam hanging out waiting for me.  “Morning, Jette.  Mind if I join you?”

“Um, sure.  Come on in.”  I unlock the door and invite Adam in, locking the door behind us.  “You’re up early.  What brings you all the way down here?  You know Emmy won’t be here for two or three more hours, right?”

“No, I know that.  I’m here to see you today.  Can we talk?”

“Okay, just give me a minute.”  I slip back into my office, turn on all the lights, start up the in-house music system, and crank up the air conditioning. 

When I come back out front, I find Adam behind the bar pouring himself a big glass of orange juice.  He hands it to me, then proceeds to fill another.  I watch as he makes himself at home behind my bar.  He reminds me so much of Evan that it hurts.  They are the same height, have the same broad shoulders, and both are strikingly handsome.  But it was Adam’s blonde hair that first caught Auggie’s attention last spring. 

I walk over to a table and begin to take the chairs down.  Adam quickly joins me and helps me take down the last of the chairs.  “So, how are you holding up these days?” Adam asks.

“I’ve been better.  Listen, I’m glad you’re here.  I have a bone to pick with you.” 

“Really?  How so?” he asks, surprised by my directness.

“Evan’s falling apart before my eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it.  He won’t admit it, and he won’t accept help.  You could be doing more to help, Adam.  Whose side are you on, anyway?”

“I’m on Evan’s side.  I’m always on his side, Jette.  What do you expect me to do?”

“Convince him to call Dr. Falkowski,” I tell him.

“I don’t see what good that will do.  You know Evan won’t take any drugs.  If he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, and I’m not saying he does, what good will it do to talk about it endlessly?  Personally, I think that would just make things worse.  You don’t understand men.”

“No, I guess you’re right.  I don’t understand.  Adam, you saw him that night.  If you and Marcus didn’t break up the fight, who knows how far out of hand things might have gotten.  He could have gone to jail and put Ryker in the hospital.  I would think that as a part of his ‘team’, you wouldn’t want him to do anything that might jeopardize his career.”

“I’m doing what I can to stick close by him and help him fight through it.  You, on the other hand, are throwing around ultimatums.  Don’t you think you could do more good if you were there with him, holding his hand, and telling him everything’s going to be okay?”  He pauses to let me think about that for a moment.  “You’re the one making things worse.  You’re confirming his worst fears.  By walking out, you’re telling him that he’s not good enough.  He’s fragile right now, and I can’t help but think you’re punishing him for not being strong enough.  That’s how Evan sees it.”

“Wow.  Seriously?  Are you really trying to tell me that this is all my fault?”

“Of course not, but I just want you to see it from Evan’s perspective.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, if you looked at things from a different point of view, you might handle things differently.  That’s all.”

“Adam, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Why is it that every time Evan’s in trouble, you’re right there to rescue him?”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Do you think he’s incapable of handling his own problems, or is he just too stupid?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.  The more you step in to solve his problems, the more dependent he becomes on you.  You’re making him helpless.  He doesn’t think he needs help because you said he doesn’t.”