The Rules of You and Me (11 page)

Aunt Lydia reached over and pushed a lock of my hair over my shoulder. “I see a lot of that in you. The way you always try to be the best at everything you do. The top grades in your class, the awards, the clubs. It’s all so concrete. Something you can look at and say you’ve succeeded because you earned a crown or a certificate. You’ve never spent much time on things that don’t get you accolades right away.”

I bit my lip as I absorbed Aunt Lydia’s words. She made it all sound pointless. Like the work I’d done to get to where I was, tied for the number one spot in my class and president of several clubs, was all for nothing because it wasn’t something creative. I didn’t use the part of my brain that Aunt Lydia preferred. I was as left-brained as my parents.

“
I’ve worked really hard,” I said. “Maybe I’m not painting masterpieces or writing great literature, but I’ve done a lot for myself.”

Aunt Lydia’s forehead scrunched into a frown. “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was belittling your work. I know you’ve worked hard, and I’m proud of everything you’ve done. But maybe you work too hard at being this ideal student that you don’t let yourself have fun like you should.” She put the remote down and took my hands in hers. “I saw the way your mother was when we were growing up. And I saw how your dad threw himself into his work. A part of me is terrified you’ll end up the same way they are. That if you don’t give yourself time to be creative and draw outside the lines, you’ll deal with it the same way your parents do, through alcohol and prescription drugs.”

I opened my mouth to say my mother wasn’t an alcoholic, but the words wouldn’t come.

“
Be as successful as you want to be, Hannah,” Aunt Lydia went on. “Get all the awards. Be valedictorian of your class and go to Yale. But every now and then, take the time to let your guard down and be free.”

It was the same thing Mark had told me. Step outside my comfort zone and be someone else for a change. Even Zac had told me that several times during our relationship. At home, my parents always told me I wasn’t perfect enough. I needed to be the best, stomp the competition in everything I did. All of the awards were never enough, there was always something else I needed to work for.

But I was here in Asheville and not in Paris. That was something.

“
Did you ever call your dad?” Aunt Lydia asked.

I avoided her gaze. “I’ll call him tomorrow.”

“
Hannah,” Aunt Lydia said. “You have to speak to him at some point.”

I shrugged. “I don’t really have anything to say.”

“
Then let him do the talking. He owes you an apology, at least. Give him the chance to give you that.”

I pulled my hands from her grasp and stood. “You should go paint,” I told her.

“
Yes, Mom,” Aunt Lydia joked. “Promise me you’ll call your dad.”

“
I promise,” I told her.

But I didn’t tell her that keeping promises had never been something I was good at. Maybe I was too much like my parents.

“
You really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

I looked over at Jude, who sat in the driver seat of his truck, his hands gripping the steering wheel. He stared out the windshield at Papa Gino’s in front of us. I’d gotten a text message from Ashton only ten minutes ago letting me know that she, Kate, Carter, and their friends already waited for us inside.

We had been sitting in the parking lot for almost three minutes, and yet, neither of us had made any movement to get out of the truck.

“
I know,” Jude said. “But I probably should do it.”

I waited, but still Jude didn’t move. The fact that he had made it all the way to the restaurant was a big step, but still, at some point we needed to get out of the truck or else we’d look like crazy people sitting out here in the parking lot.

“
How well do you know all of them?” I asked.

Jude shrugged. “They were a couple grades below me in school. Liam was really the one who knew everyone. I just kind of knew them by association.”

“
Didn’t you have any friends of your own?” I joked.

“
Not really.” Jude’s expression was still solemn. “My friends were all Liam’s friends. Everyone really liked him. They just put up with me because of Liam.”

“
That can’t be true,” I said. “I never met your brother and I like you.”

My words hung in the air between us in the silence of the truck cab. A car rumbled as it passed by in search of a parking space, the lights flashing across Jude’s face.

“
I mean,” I said, clearing my throat. “I’m
your
friend, and you got to know me all on your own.”

Jude rubbed his bottom teeth across his lip. He seemed to be considering my words as he studied the diner again. At last he nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”

The evening was still warm and sticky with the heat rising from the asphalt around us. We crunched across tiny rocks and broken glass toward the restaurant. Jude opened the door and stepped back to allow me to enter first. I wasn’t sure if he was just being a gentleman or if he didn’t want to lead the way.

Ashton spotted me first. “Hannah! Over here!” She stood up, waving as if I might not see her bright orange hair through the few patrons inside.

I held my shoulders back, trying to pull just a little of the Cohen confidence into me. I knew I wasn’t supposed to follow the rules this summer, but they had their usefulness in some situations.

“
Hi,” I greeted everyone.

“
Hey,” Kate said. Her eyes darted to Jude, who stood just behind me. “Hey, Jude.” She smiled awkwardly at him.

Jude nodded. “Hi.”

We sat down at the last two seats, which were across from each other.

“
Hannah, you remember Carter?” Ashton asked. Carter sat next to her, so close they almost could have been sharing the same drink. She widened her eyes at me for a moment, then went on. “And Syke, Nadia, and Trent.”

I barely remembered the other three from the party in the valley. I had been introduced to them at some point during the night, but they hadn’t made much of an impression on me, other than Syke’s blue-tipped faux hawk.

“
Hi again,” I greeted them, pulling on my dad’s “everyone is a friend until they make themselves your enemy” charm.

Mama Rita came over to take our orders. “So good to see you!” she greeted me. “And you!” She wrapped her arms around Jude’s shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. “You haven’t been to visit us in a while.”

Jude ducked his head. “I know. I’m sorry, Mama Rita.”

“
You should come more often,” she scolded him. “We worry about you. Well.” Mama Rita looked around at the rest of us expectantly. “Are you ready to order?”

We gave our orders and Mama Rita collected the menus. Once she was gone, the table fell silent again.

As each second ticked by, the silence became even more noticeable. Ashton swirled her ice around her glass with her straw. Kate shifted in her seat. Syke crunched on a cracker. Carter coughed.

I kept my eyes on the napkin that was rolled around my silverware as I tried to think of something to say. Every speech I’d ever done for various clubs and award acceptances flashed through my head. But none of it was anything that would be helpful in this situation. I could debate and campaign, but I hadn’t really mastered the art of social interaction.

My gaze lifted and met Jude’s. He gave me a half-smile.

“
So, um,” Carter said, “Hannah, where did you say you’re from?”

Ashton cast a grateful look at him.

“
Willowbrook,” I answered. “It’s in the eastern part of the state. Little town between Greenville and New Bern. Don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of it.”

Nadia nodded. “I think I’ve been through there on the way to—”

“
The beach,” we said at the same time.

I laughed. “That’s the only time anyone goes through it. Not a lot to see in Willowbrook. Thankfully, we’re not too far of a drive to other places.”

Silence descended on the table. I glanced at the door to the kitchen. How long before Mama Rita brought our food? At least we wouldn’t have to attempt to make conversation while we ate.

I saw Ashton nudge Carter from the corner of my eye. He coughed and then said, “Um, so, Jude, you working anywhere?”

Jude looked at Carter as if the question startled him. Everyone else at the table exchanged worried looks.

“
No,” Jude answered, his gaze locked on Carter. “I’m still looking.”

“
There’s our food!” Ashton exclaimed as Mama Rita carried a big tray toward us. She looked relieved and started talking excitedly about how good everything looked. She grinned too wide and talked too loud, as if trying to make up for the tension in the air.

Somehow, we made it through the meal. Keeping our mouths stuffed meant we didn’t have to talk as much, so everyone focused on their own plate. Every bite was hard to swallow and sat like a lump in my stomach.

“
So, um, has anyone started applying to college?” I asked halfway through the meal, just to break the silence.

Syke groaned. “I don’t even want to think about that right now.”

“
This is our last summer of freedom,” Nadia said. “Can you believe that next summer we’ll be getting ready to go off to college? Everything will be so different. Who knows how many more times we’ll have nights like this, just hanging out with nothing else to do.”

“
If we even get into college, you mean,” Ashton said with a loud sigh.

“
You’ll get in,” Carter told her. “You’re an amazing artist. They’d be stupid to say no.”

Ashton’s cheeks turned red and she ducked her head as she smiled. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat. “Where are you applying to, Hannah?”

I took a sip of my water before answering. “I haven’t decided yet. My parents want me to go to Yale.”

“
I’m applying to UConn,” Trent said with a wide grin at me. “We’d be almost neighbors. We could hang out some on weekends.”

Jude shifted a bit across from me. I glanced at him just in time to see him shoot an annoyed scowl toward Trent, but it was gone so quickly I wasn’t sure if I had imagined it.

I nodded. “That would be great. I’m not sure if I’m applying there though. Maybe I’ll change my mind. Somewhere small and quiet, less pressure to be the best.” I clamped my mouth shut. I was saying too much, getting too close to personal. Time to get the focus off me. I nudged Jude’s foot under the table. “What about you? Any college plans in your future?”

I sensed that I had asked the wrong question right away. No one moved or barely even breathed.

Jude chewed silently for a moment, then wiped his mouth. At last, he met my eyes, which contained a sad, haunted look in them, and said, “I haven’t decided yet.”

After that, the conversation ended. The tension remained as we all finished our meals.

“
Dessert?” Syke asked, raising his eyebrows.

“
The tiramisu is
so
good,” Nadia said.

I looked at Jude, who looked like he was on the verge of making a dash toward the door. “I promised my aunt I wouldn’t be out too late,” I said.

“
I’m sure she won’t mind,” Ashton said. “Lydia’s cool like that. I’ll call her.”

I shot Ashton a quick look and said, “No, that’s okay. I’m pretty tired anyway.”

“
Let me take you home,” Jude said, standing so quickly that his chair screeched across the floor.

I smiled at everyone. “It was fun. We should do this again.”
If I ever want another hour of torture,
I added silently.

Ashton gave me a half smile, but she said, “Thanks for coming. It was great to see you again, Jude.”

Jude nodded, tossed down some money for our meals, and then led the way out of the restaurant.

#

He let out a deep breath once we were back in his truck.

“
That bad?” I asked, grinning at him.

He raised his eyebrows. “Were you not sitting at the same table I was?”

I rubbed my forehead with my fingers and sighed. “I know, I was just trying to make the best of the situation. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” I had expected a little awkwardness, but I hadn’t expected full on agonizing silence.

“
Sorry,” Jude said.

“
It’s not your fault.”

“
Trust me, it is.” He started the ignition and pulled away from the diner, back onto the two lane road. We weren’t driving back toward Aunt Lydia’s neighborhood, but Jude didn’t seem to be driving anywhere in particular. I was becoming used to aimless drives with him, the windows cracked to let in the warm breeze and the grassy smell of the mountains around us.

“
So what was with the weird feeling I got when I asked you about college?” I asked. “It felt like I had stepped into a war zone.”

“
Oh.” Jude shrugged. “I’m not going to college.”

“
Why not?”

“
I’m just not.”

I stared at him in the dim light that filtered through the windows as we passed street lights and houses. “You should go to college, Jude. Make something of yourself.”