The Romantic Misadventures of a Modern Woman (5 page)

Although she hadn't intentionally been putting it off, Nita felt it was about time she wrote to her secret admirer again. In her mind, she had been debating what to write. She knew she needed to just sit down and start jotting down her thoughts. Otherwise, she might procrastinate and another week would pass with her having done nothing.

The handwritten words she received were precious to her. Nita thought it was exciting to have a mystery man, whom she had never met, give her so much romantic attention. The fact that he chose to write his second letter on paper, even though he had her e-mail by that time, made her feel even more special.

Nita's imagination tried to run wild with ideas about the identity of her mysterious suitor. At one point, she wondered what he did for a living and what neighborhood he lived in. She assigned him the perfect height for her (3 inches taller than her) and the right age (2 years older than she was). She envisioned how he dressed (very well, thank you). She imagined him meeting with his tailor monthly and going for shoe-shines weekly. And of course he had a dog, a golden retriever, which he would take for walks every morning, on a path next to the creek.

"Stop!" she shouted to herself, alone in her apartment. "Even if the Bible didn't warn us not to let our imaginations get out of hand, it is just weird that I was able to come up with all of these details from two small notes, and no photograph. He could just as easily be half my height, or 6'9" and 19 years old, or 91, with a cat! I am never going to find out before we meet, so let's get on with it."

Picking up her phone, Nita opened her e-mail app and clicked "Compose".

"Hi Secret Admirer,

Thank you for both of your letters. I enjoyed reading them.

I'm happily anticipating seeing the face of the man who sent his heart to me on paper.

How about at the Bookstore Bistro & Bar next week?

Let me know what day works for you.

My name is Nita."

She clicked, "send", plugged her phone into its charger and set it on the table. She thought to herself: "Now we can meet, and I won't have to guess anymore. And I can start practicing all the dating tips I am learning." She laughed at herself, "That is, if we like each other enough to date in the first place."

Nita's excitement about the group date was increasing daily. She began going through her wardrobe to plan what she would wear on the special evening. She posted photos of her most promising combinations on Instagram, hoping that her on-line friends would help her pick the best outfit. Gina found and followed Nita. They began clicking hearts on each others' clothing photos. Soon, Hannah joined in and, before long, the three women were posting, commenting and sharing their preparations for the big night.

Nita had begun chatting with Nathaniel by phone and via text. They planned to meet for lunch during the week since they worked only a few blocks apart. Caleb hadn't replied to her e-mail after the mixer, and she concluded that he was no longer interested, for whatever reason. This was a relief because she had no more doubts as to whether he was her secret admirer.

As she was putting some clothes back into her closet, she stumbled and fell onto the pile of shoes on the floor. The impact jostled some loose items on the upper shelves. A few of them fell to the floor around her. While tidying up the mess, she discovered the unopened envelope Henry had sent. Suddenly, the memories of everything that happened flooded her mind. She realized that the pain had begun to subside and she was moving forward with her life.

Sitting down in the middle of her bedroom floor, she opened Henry's envelope, took a deep breath and started reading.

"Dear Sweet Nita,

I figured because you blocked my calls, that you saw me with someone else after I left you at your door after our last date.

The truth is I had fallen in love with 2 women, and I tried to maintain both relationships, keeping you secret from her and her from you. It all fell apart when you both found out the same night.

Sorry doesn't even begin to express my regret for the pain I caused you. I wrote this to ask you to forgive me please. I beg.

I am not worth your time and I can't ask you to take me back, but I wish you the very best . I hope you find someone who will be good to you and give you lots of good things. You deserve them.

Please accept my apology. I have to live with myself for what I've done. You are a wonderful woman. I will always love you.

Love always,

Henry

(your Glad-Fun)"

Staring at the page for a moment, Nita felt relief at knowing the truth, finally. She was no longer angry. There were no tears in her eyes. Did that mean that she had forgiven him? If it did, she was still unsure.

"OK, Lord" Nita got up on her knees and began to pray. "You told me in the Bible, that I am supposed to forgive. I think I am ready... I forgive Henry."

She sat still for a few moments. "Oh, and God, please let me know if I did it wrong. Amen."

Nita put the letter through the shredder and dumped it with the trash. No one would be able to find the letter or read it ever again. As she went, she began to feel lighter. She felt like she was free.

"Good Morning and welcome to the Community Church's Annual Singles' Conference." The leader of the
 
S
ingle 
A
dult's 
M
inistry, who was jokingly, but affectionately known as "Uncle SAM", welcomed the three dozen single people to the church basement's multi-purpose room. The hungry crowd showed their appreciation for the generous continental breakfast by devouring it. Only a few surviving muffin crumbs, two grapes and a slice of apple remained.

Hannah, Nita and the Baggins cousins carried their conference packets into the room and found two pairs of seats somewhat close together. Gina took the spot next to Hannah, leaving Elle to sit next to Nita. It seemed to be official, the four women had become friends.

Uncle S.A.M. continued to speak. "As the organizers of this event, we want you to throw away every notion you may have about singles' conferences. We will be reviewing some things you may already know, but we're also going to introduce you to a few things you may not yet know. The Bible has been around for nearly 2,000 years, but the internet and social media are new. Some of you have asked 'how should a Christian single person behave on on-line?' We're gonna talk about that. And 'how does someone recover from being victimized by 'revenge porn' or 'date rape'?" He spoke with sincerity and concern.

"Christian singles need to know that God loves all of His children, including the single ones, even as they face the opportunities and challenges of new technology. He wants them to enjoy dating within certain limits. He has given them His church for support as they find their marriage partner or discover that they have been given the gift of singleness. Our goal is to prepare you to move forward and live a life that is full of God's blessings."

Hannah opened her notebook and set it on her desk, beside her Bible. Nita inspected the contents of her conference packet. She found a key-chain from the local Bible Bookstore, a calendar with verses from the book of Psalms, a coupon for a free trial month on a Christian dating website and an individually wrapped mint candy. Gina resisted the urge to look around the room to check out the single men who were present. She waited until the speaker delivered a punch line and everyone else was laughing. When they were looking around, she looked, too.

Elle seemed agitated and a little angry. She sat at her desk, quietly drawing some intense and slightly grotesque doodles in her notebook. When Nita seemed to notice them, she hid them by turning to a blank page.

"What are you most interested in hearing, today?" Nita asked her desk-mate in a whisper.

"Oh, I
dunno, maybe that thing he said about social media, I guess." Elle shrugged.

As the day progressed, the women attended break-out sessions entitled, "Let's Talk About Sex Outside Of Marriage" and "Forgiving Someone After A Break-Up: Yourself". They had a lunch break and returned to the main conference room for the closing session. Uncle S.A.M. stepped up to the microphone as Nita was one of the last to return. She stood in the back near the door.

Uncle S.A.M. was very forthright. "We've been praying for each one of you since before we knew who would sign up for this conference. This afternoon, we have set time aside for anyone who is carrying a heavy burden. If you have been listening to the conference speakers and you find you are struggling with something that is happening in your life, please come and one of the ministers will listen confidentially and pray with you."

The somber mood intensified. The speaker, now, in pastor-mode, continued. "Maybe, there is a married person you find you're attracted to, or it's someone else who is unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe, such a person may be pursuing you, and you're interested. If you are a divorcee, you may be hurting right now because people, who say they are Christian, have mistreated you. You may have just ended a sexual relationship or a same-sex relationship. Someone may be facing violence at the hands of a person who says he or she loves you and you want to end it, but you're afraid of more violence.

If you're hurting, but you don't want to come have someone to pray for you because of the way news media and pop-culture portray how some churches respond to sexual issues, you need to know that everyone on the conference planning team has faced at least one of the issues I named. None of us own the keys to hell and none of us can send anyone there.

We're not here to judge you. If you feel you can't walk forward in front of everyone, there are still people praying for you who love you and care about you. The goal is not for you to have a relationship with this church, but a relationship with God. All other relationships are secondary. We are here for you, no matter what. I hope you will reach out...."

Elle was sullen. She looked very serious and sad. Her conference packet remained unopened as she carried it to her break-out sessions and then to lunch. Seated next to Nita's empty chair with her head lowered, she wasn't praying. Nita saw tears fall from her face. Elle began to sob. She composed herself long enough to slip, quietly, out of the side door, while most in the room still had their eyes closed. Nita followed.

The hallway was empty, but the shadow of a closing door moved across the floor and darkened the opposite wall. Nita slowly pressed the door open and found Elle sitting in a pew in the middle of a stained glass chapel, weeping openly. She did not hear her come in.

"Elle, what's wrong?" Nita asked.

Elle looked up at Nita and said, "I can't go ask the ministers to pray for me. This hurts to much."

Nita sat down next to her. "What hurts Elle? What's too much that the ministers can't pray for it?"

"If I tell you, please don't tell anybody."

"Of course. I won't say a word." Nita promised.

Elle paused for a moment, then wiped her face with her bare hands.

"Nita, I'm gay, and I am attracted to you. Your secret admirer is not a man; it's me."

Too shocked to speak, Nita just sat, frozen on the pew, staring at Elle as she spoke.

"I've had feelings for you since that first pot-luck at Hannah's. You looked so hurt after your break-up. I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and make everything better", she said between sobs. "So many times, I wanted to be alone with you, to touch your hand, or your face, and tell you how I feel. I could never find the right moment. I didn't know what to do. Every time you looked at me, my heart would jump. I would play it off. I came to this conference just to be close to you." Tears continued to stream down Elle's face. "Could you tell?"

Nita shook her head. 

"I've dated men... I used to sleep with men... many men." Elle's tone had a tinge of indignation. "It was easy to play along when we did that speed-dating thing. But, when I think of dating and love, intimacy and sharing the rest of my life with someone, I only want to be with a woman."

"The only time I was confident talking to you was with pen and paper. I saw when you discovered my first letter, then I paid the waiter at the mixer, to give you the second letter. He took a photo of you reading it and sent it to me from his phone."

Elle's eyes were focused on Nita; they seemed to be saying, "Please don't turn away." Nita didn't move.

Elle continued to speak. "I disguised my gender and concealed my sexual orientation in some teal stationery. but I know I can't make you fall in love with me, as much as I want to fall in love with you. I was dishonest and I am so sorry. I've been holding back my feelings, waiting for something that's never gonna happen. Knowing I can't have you has been shredding me. In that session back there, I just couldn't take it anymore."

When Elle stopped talking, the only words Nita could find were, "Does Gina know?"

Elle shook her head. "No, at least, I don't think so. I've kept it hidden from my family as long as I can remember. Lately, it's been too easy. Gina's been really preoccupied." With those words, she laughed ironically.

She took another deep breath. "Just to be sure I haven't made another mistake, I guess I have to ask the question. 'Is there any possibility that you could ever, maybe... be attracted to me?'"

Nita shook her head again. "Elle, I'm not attracted to women."

The last microscopic glimmer of hope fell from Elle's face, "That's what I thought. So, what now?"

Nita composed herself, still in shock after Elle had bared her soul. "What can I do for you right now?" Nita asked.

"I'm done here. Would you tell Gina, I had to leave early?" Elle stood up and adjusted her clothes. She wiped away the remaining moisture on her face with her sleeves, then rolled them up to her elbows. "...and, if possible, would you keep our conversation private."

"Of course." Nita replied.

Elle slipped through the door and found a way to exit the building unseen by conference attendees or church staff.