The Randy Romance Novelist (17 page)

“The odor from your vagina is unflattering, but I not complain.”

Delaney burst out in laughter, and Marta’s shoulders shook with mirth.

Marta was a dumb bitch, and that was my opinion of her.

***

“Hey, love,” Henry said, when I walked through the apartment door. “Why do you have that look on your face?”

“What look?” I asked, setting the Indian food on the counter.

Henry joined me in the kitchen and observed me. “Like you’re hiding something. What was the appointment Delaney had?”

I smiled, knowing what was hiding under my pants—weird way to phrase that, but it’s okay.

“I have a surprise for you.” I couldn’t help but contain the giddiness trying to break through me.

Getting my area vajazzled was actually relaxing, after I gave into Marta’s demands. Once she showed me my jewels, I had to hand it to her, she was good at her job.

Talk about a rough career, though, stripping vaginas of all different breeds bare, then putting diamonds on them to help them sparkle. Pretty sure I would stick with writing.

“Oh, yeah,” Henry asked. “What kind of surprise?”

I gripped his hips and stuck my fingers under his waistband. “I saw Marta again.”

“Really?” he said in a sly tone, but then stopped himself. “Wait, Marta as in the creator of the great and powerful asshole? What did you do, Rosie? I know we were joking about being able to get a mold made of your anus, but please don’t tell me you did that because I don’t want that charm on my desk to look at. I love you, but not that much.”

“Hey,” I tapped his stomach. “If I give you an anus charm, you will cherish it, but that’s not what I want to show you. Come with me.”

I grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom. He looked over his shoulder and called out, “What about the Indian food? I was hoping to get my curry on once you got home.”

“It will still be there; now stop being difficult.”

Once we were in the bedroom, I made Henry sit on the bed. “Now don’t make fun of the weight I’ve gained when I take off my shirt.”

Within an instant, Henry grew irritated. “What did I tell you about that? I’m seriously going to get pissed if you start talking about weight. You’re perfect, Rosie.”

I hated to admit it, but I couldn’t help but love how amazing those words made me feel. I knew when I gained weight, every girl did; they could feel it on their bones, but to have a boyfriend who would sit there and stare at your body like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen was a dream come true. I still vowed to hit up the gym; I needed to be able to fit into my bachelorette party dress . . . so weird.

“You’re sweet.” I kissed his lips and then pulled off my shirt. Henry’s eyes immediately fell to my breasts that were contained in a white bra with some underwire, nothing frilly or special, just plain old underwear, but in Henry’s eyes, it was the gate to a magical play area for him. With his eyes still on my breasts, I took off my yoga pants and then lowered my underpants just enough for him to see my vajazzle.

His eyes were still on my breasts, so I had to get him to pay attention to what I was revealing to him. “Hey, down here.” I snapped my finger and pointed to my crotch.

Satisfaction ran through me as Henry’s eyes skimmed my body down to my vajazzle. His head cocked to the side, studying the foreign bling on my body. He pointed at it and said, “What’s that?”

“It’s a vajazzle. I bedazzled my vagina area for you. Do you like it?” Hope of turning him on coursed through me as I waited for his response.

“It’s . . . sexy.” He looked up at me with a huge grin, and all I wanted to do was clap my hands and jump up and down like a schoolgirl, but I refrained.

“I got two hearts. One is mine and the other is yours. See how they are connected?”

“Is my heart the one closest to your pussy?”

“Henry,” I scoffed. “Honestly, does it matter?”

“It does in my head. I claim this one as mine.” He outlined the heart with his finger, but I quickly pulled away.

“We have to be careful. I think they’re still drying.”

“They seem dry to me.” He gave me a mischievous smile.

I didn’t get a chance to answer him before he pulled me down on the bed and stripped me bare of all undergarments. He quickly worked his shirt off and I marveled at the way his muscles flexed under the dim light of the bedroom. I was so hitting the gym, no doubt about it. Henry was incredibly sexy and fit; it wasn’t fair to him if I didn’t keep up my end of the relationship, gained some love chub, and let myself go.

“How do you feel?” Henry asked, lowering his body over mine. “Are you sore?”

“I’m good. Do your best work, Mr. Anderson.”

Henry quirked an eyebrow at me. “Mr. Anderson, I like that.”

“Don’t get used to it,” I laughed. “I’m not about to call you that every time we’re in bed together.”

“I have time to change your mind.” He grabbed his cock in one hand and leaned over me with the other. “Tell me, Rosie, how wet are you?”

My face turned red immediately. I wanted to bite my nail and avoid the question I always found awkward to answer. I wasn’t good at dirty talk. What was a girl supposed to say to that?

It’s a gusher down there!

Look out, tidal wave of love juice coming your way.

Warning: waterfall of vagina secretion flooding the panty perimeters.

No, I didn’t think I ever would be good at dirty talk; it wasn’t in my bones. But that didn’t mean I would stop trying.

“Wet,” I squeaked out, trying to hold back the giggle that wanted to pop out.

“Let me see.” With one swipe, Henry rubbed the head of his penis along my slit, spreading my arousal along his length.

There was something about the head of a penis rubbing against your clit that felt so beyond amazing; it felt magical, like a unicorn just kissed you in the most private of areas.

It felt like a tongue, only less dexterous, but still extraordinary, moving up and down, rubbing you in all the right ways. I could easily get off if Henry continued to tease me like that, if he only touched me with the tip. No doubt about it.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he mumbled, moving his cock away from my vagina and up my pubic bone where he circled the vajazzle with the head of his penis.

I made a mental note to report back to Delaney about the vajazzle success and how much Henry liked it. I only hoped it had the same effect for Delaney as it did for me, since this was her idea. I was grateful my visit to Marta turned out to be a more positive one this time, and not one that found me squirting pounds of baby powder in my panties until I was excreting it out my back end when dancing.

Some things you never forget.

“I really like this,” Henry said, his voice a little shy. “It’s really sexy, Rosie.”

“I’m glad.”

I adjusted my hips just as Henry was circling the heart he claimed as his, sending my vajazzle into his penis.

He groaned, so I did it again, thinking he liked it. “Do you like the texture? In my head I would think the sharpness of the diamond would hurt your sensitive skin, but I guess not.”

“No!” he shouted.

“Interesting, I guess the smoothness of a vagina isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes men need a rough tube. Noted.” I put my finger to my lip as I thought. “I wonder if they make reversed ribbed condoms, that could be interesting . . .”

“No, no, no.” Henry pulled away from me, ignoring my brewing idea of textured vagina holes, and cradled his junk.

The intimate mood I thought we were experiencing together was completely wiped away when I realized Henry was holding his penis in one hand while trying to examine it closely.

“What’s going on?” I sat up next to him and tried to find what he was looking at. “Are you okay?”

“Fuck. Only fucking me,” he replied. He squeezed his eyebrows together with his hand and started to breathe heavily.

“What’s wrong?” As I asked, the light from the lamp reflected off a teeny tiny gem resting directly in the middle of Henry’s pee hole. “Oh, my God, did you dick-dazzle yourself?” A snort flew out of my nose before I could stop it.

“It’s not funny,” he replied, worried. “How the hell am I supposed to get it out of there, Rosie?”

“Pee it out?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Sometimes when I hear you pee, it sounds like you are trying to blast a hole through the wall to get to the neighbors. I bet you could blast that little gem right out of there.”

“What if it’s like a cork and shuts the pee off?”

“What’s the big deal? Then you just hold your pee; I used to have to do it all the time when I was at work and having to share a bathroom with a bunch of other women. Pee shyness is a real thing.”

Henry sighed in frustration. “When you’re a guy, holding your pee mid-stream is extremely painful, Rosie. For a man, it’s pretty much impossible, unless you want to be in a shit-ton of pain, and I would rather not be in a lot of pain with one of your fake diamonds in my urethra.”

I had to move my hand over my mouth to hold in my giggle. Why did I think this was so funny? I shouldn’t be laughing; this is a serious thing happening to my boyfriend’s penis. I should be vastly concerned and finding a solution.

But . . .

All I can think about is how shiny it makes his penis.

“If your penis was a necklace, I would wear it with pride.”

“Rosie,” Henry chastised my immaturity.

“If it was at Zale’s, I would make sure to get the protection warranty.”

“You’re not funny.”

I laughed to myself and threw the finger guns at Sir Licks-a-Lot, who was now looking in on us. “He thinks I’m funny.” The demon cat was sitting in the doorway, looking at us with his mouth half open. He did that sometimes, and I didn’t know why, but right about now, I took it as silent laughter from my jokes.

Henry couldn’t be any more annoyed with me as he continued to hold his cock up. “No one thinks you’re funny.”

“I would stroke that puppy if I were you. What happens when you go flaccid? Will the bling sink into your urinary tract? That can’t be good. Try pinching it out.”

“Excuse me? Pinch it out? Are you out of your damn mind? I’m not pinching my dick.”

I closed my index finger and thumb together, making a lobster claw motion at him. “Just pinch the head, Henry. Squeeze the top and pop it right out of there.” I threw my pinchers at his face and he knocked them away. “Oh! Or I can get some tweezers . . .”

“No fucking tweezers. Sharp metal things are not coming near me, especially if you’re the one managing them.”

“That rules out Sir Licks-a-Lot’s claws then, huh?”

Henry shook his head. “I dick–dazzle myself and all of a sudden you become a comedian. Great.”

“I’m trying to be helpful. I thought the pinching thing was a good idea. Hmm . . .” I pressed my finger to my chin as I thought about another solution. “Maybe if you jump up and down while jiggling your dick, it will just fall out. You will have to point your penis at the ground though, let gravity do its thing. That’s what I did when I got that stupid bullet stuck in my vagina.”

“Stupid bullet? You don’t think it’s so stupid now when I use it on you.”

Cue the blush.

“Shut up and start jumping.”

Henry grumbled to himself incoherent words I couldn’t make out, while he stood and got in position. He looked over his shoulder at me and said, “I would prefer if you didn’t watch me jiggle myself. I would like to keep some of my dignity after all this is said and done.”

“I won’t look,” I lied, a smirk constantly wanting to sneak out.

He gave me questioning gleam. “Hand over eyes, missy.”

“Fine.” I covered my eyes with my hand, but kept a tiny sliver opened for a sneak peek of the dick-dazzle dance.

To my lucky stars, Henry started bouncing up and down, shaking his dick and talking to himself, telling the bling to fall out. The scene was all too familiar. Seeing it from an outsider’s perspective just about killed me. I couldn’t hold it back, I laughed out loud and fell to the floor, unable to control the movements of my body from pure, unadulterated joy.

Images of Henry’s tight butt bobbing up and down and his arms shaking his penis were engrained in my memory . . . forever.

“You weren’t supposed to look,” he yelled at me, penis still in hand, but missing a certain glint.

I continued to laugh as I answered him and pointed at his junk. “I think you got it out.”

Faster than I could blink, Henry lifted his penis to look inside and then let out a sigh of relief when he bent down to the floor and held up the little gem that was stuck in his pee hole.

“You little fucker.”

I laughed some more. I was being that person, and I didn’t care, it was just too funny. “Want to save it, maybe put it in an envelope and store it under your pillow for the penis fairy? You never know, he might leave you a pack of condoms if you’ve been a good boy.”

The bling was tossed at my head right before Henry pulled his sweats on over his legs. “You’re hysterical.” Sarcasm was heavy. “Because you’re so funny, you can sit in here and laugh by yourself. I’m having my curry. And you can forget about getting any of my loving tonight. You’ve been cut off.”

“Hey!” I protested. “How is that fair? You would have laughed if that happened to me.”

“Cut off,” he repeated, walking down the hallway.

“Drama queen,” I shouted.

Disappointed, I looked down at Sir Licks-a-Lot, who was looking between the both of us, mouth still half open.

“You look stupid like that, close your damn mouth, you idiot!” I snapped at the cat and then stomped down the hallway. If I wasn’t getting any sex tonight, I was going to at least enjoy some Indian curry.

Vajazzle, not as successful as I thought it was going to be. Another reason never to visit Marta ever again.

Fucking Condoms

HENRY

“That sounds painful, dude.”

Derk and I sat at the bar of one of our favorite sport restaurants watching the Yankees game and enjoying a beer away from our women. It’d been a few days since the dick-dazzle incident, and I was still a little sour about the whole situation. Not because I was embarrassed or that Rosie wouldn’t stop laughing, but because I straight-up liked the fucking vajazzle, but forced her to take it off, due to being terrified about corking myself up with another adhesive fake diamond.