The Ranch (9 page)

“But I would never do anything like that,” Mary Stuart said, still staring at her son's picture, as though she could still ask him why it had happened. But they all knew why now. It was so pathetically simple. The girl he had loved for four years had died in a car accident, on an icy New Jersey road four months before, and he had quietly sunk into an ever deeper depression. No one had realized how depressed he was, or the full extent of his despair after she died. They had thought he was coming out of it at Easter. But in retrospect, Mary Stuart had realized that he only seemed happier at Easter because he had probably decided to do it when he went back after the vacation. He had been so close to his mother then. They had gone for a long walk in the park, and talked philosophically and laughed, he had even talked in vague terms about his future. He told her he knew now he would always be happy. And then he did it, the night he went back. He committed suicide two weeks before his twentieth birthday, in his room in Princeton. The boy in the next room had found him. He had come in to borrow something and he had found Todd in bed, asleep, and something about the way he lay there aroused suspicion. He had checked him immediately and administered CPR, until the police and the fire department came. But they said later that Todd had been dead for several hours when the boy found him. He had left a note to each of them, telling them that he felt so peaceful and so calm, and so happy at last. He said it was cowardly of him, he knew, and he regretted any pain he would cause them, but he simply couldn't live without Natalie anymore. He said he had truly tried. And he hoped that once they forgave him, they would be relieved to know that he and Natalie would be together forever in Heaven. Although his parents had said they were too young, he had wanted to marry her, after graduation, the following summer. And in a sense, Todd said in his note, they were married now. And through it all, once they heard the news, and long afterward, Bill had blamed Mary Stuart. He said that she had filled his head with foolishness and romantic notions, she had allowed him to become too seriously involved with Natalie for the past four years, and if she hadn't forced religion on him, he would never have had such absurd notions of the hereafter or of God. According to Bill, Mary Stuart had, in fact, set the stage for disaster. And he laid Todd's suicide entirely on the conscience of his mother. At the time, what he said to her had almost killed her. But more than anything he could have said to her was the agony of her loss of her older child, her only son… her firstborn… the child who had always been her sunshine, and brought her so much joy and pride.

And as Tanya listened to her, she wanted to go to Bill Walker and shake him. His accusations were the most insane she had ever heard, and she sensed easily that he was trying to ease his own pain, and feelings of failure, by blaming it all on Mary Stuart. It was so cruel, it was almost beyond bearing. And it was easy to see what had happened to Mary Stuart as a result. She was nearly dead inside.

“The poor kid.” Mary Stuart was sobbing quietly as they sat in his old room, still trying to understand why he had done it, a whole year after he had. “He was so in love with her, when he got the call after Natalie's accident, I thought it would kill him.” And in the end, it had. It had killed all of them. There was nothing left of Mary Stuart now, or Bill, or their marriage. They had all died with Todd, the important parts of them anyway, their hearts and their souls, and their dreams, had all died with the boy they had so loved and had lost so unfairly.

“Have you ever gotten angry at him for all this?” Tanya asked, and Mary Stuart looked startled.

“With Todd? How could I?”

“Because he hurt all of you. Because he took something from you. Because he chickened out when he should have had the guts to live through it, and he should have told you how much pain he was in.”

“I should have known.” Mary Stuart turned it on herself again, but Tanya wouldn't let her do that.

“You can't know everything. You're not a mind reader, you're just a human being. And you were a wonderful mother to him. He shouldn't have done this to you.” Mary Stuart had never even allowed herself to think those things, and it frightened her to hear them. “It wasn't fair of him, and you know it. And it's not fair of Bill to blame you. Maybe it's time for you to get good and mad at both of them. They've put an awful lot on your back, Mary Stuart.”

For a long moment, she didn't say a word as she looked at Tanya. “I've felt it was my fault since the night he died.”

“I know you have. But that was kind of convenient for everyone, wasn't it? Maybe even now, Todd needs to take responsibility for what he did. Maybe you need to give that back to him, and tell Bill what you think. You can't just silently accept all the guilt and all the burden of what happened. Todd goes down in history as a hero, and not a poor, sick, foolish kid who did an incredibly stupid thing we'll all regret forever. But whatever it was, for whatever reason, maybe that was his destiny. And it is what happened. It can't be changed now. You can't take it back, or make it your decision, or your fault. It was all his doing. And Bill has no right to blame you, that's how he absolved himself. It was all
your
fault, so he could be free to be angry and miserable and rotten. Mary Stuart, you're not the responsible party here, you're the scapegoat.”

“I know,” she said softly. “I figured that out a while back, but it doesn't change anything. Bill will never admit it. As far as he's concerned, it's all my fault.”

“Then maybe you should leave him. Or are you going to let him punish you for the rest of your life? Are you going to stay on your knees for the next forty or fifty years, whispering ‘mea culpa’? That's a long time to feel guilty. You're way too young for that.” Listening to her was like having someone pull the drapes back in a dark room and let in huge splashes of sunshine. She had been sitting in a dark comer for a year, lost in the gloom, and grieving. And it was odd sitting in this room while they talked about it. It was almost as though Todd was with them. And listening to Tanya speak to her suddenly made it all seem very different. She wanted to be angry at Bill, wanted to shout at him, and to shake him. How could he be so stupid? How could he have destroyed their marriage?

“I don't know what to think anymore, Tan. It's been so confusing. And poor Alyssa, it must have been a nightmare coming home for Christmas last year. We were all such a mess, she couldn't wait to go back to Paris.” In the end, she had left four days early. And that had made her mother feel even more guilty.

“You've got years to make it up to her. What you have to do is think of yourself, and what you need. You can't keep letting Bill do this to you. You have to find your peace over what happened. You have to have a long talk with yourself, and with your son, and see what you come up with. And then you have to talk to Bill. He's gotten out of this pretty easy so far.”

“I don't think he has,” Mary Stuart said wisely. “I think it's so painful for him that he's hidden behind a wall of ice until he was completely numb. I think he's terrified to come out now.”

“If he doesn't, he'll destroy you and your marriage.” If he hadn't already. Tanya wasn't sure how much her friend could salvage, but at least she was thinking about it. And Tanya was glad she had ventured into Todd's room and been in it with her.

“Thank you, Tanny,” Mary Stuart said, standing up again, and Tanya put an arm around her shoulders. Mary Stuart pulled open the curtains then, and the room filled with light, as she looked around her. “He was a great kid. I still can't believe he's gone.”

“In some ways, he isn't,” Tanya said softly, “we'll all remember him forever.” There were tears in their eyes as they left the room, arm in arm, and walked slowly back to the kitchen. Tanya had another cup of tea and then went back to her hotel to dress for the party. And after she left, Mary Stuart took another look into Todd's room, closed the curtains, and then quietly closed the door, and went back to her own room. Maybe Tanya was right. Maybe it wasn't all her fault. Maybe it was Todd's fault and no one else's. But she still couldn't bring herself to be angry at him. It was so much easier to be angry at his father. Just as it was easier for Bill to blame Mary Stuart, and not himself, for not anticipating what had happened.

And she was still sitting and thinking about it when Alyssa called and they chatted for a little while, and she told her about Tanya's visit, but not about their conversation in her brother's bedroom. She told her Tanya had invited her to a party given by Felicia Davenport, but she was thinking of not going. She was feeling emotionally drained by their conversation. But Alyssa was outraged at the thought of her losing out on an opportunity like that.

“Are you crazy? You'll never get another chance like that, Mom. Go. Get dressed. I'm hanging up now so you can get ready. Wear the black chiffon Valentino.”

“The one you wear all the time?” she teased, but it had been wonderful talking to her. She had always been close to her daughter, but after Todd's death they had grown even closer. And in many ways Alyssa had been there for her mother. She wanted to apologize for being so depressing for such a long time, but she didn't want to bring up painful subjects. Instead, she hung up, and forced herself to bathe and dress and put on the Valentino. It was a pretty dress, and she looked subdued and elegant as she put on high heels, and brushed her hair till it shone. And she had very carefully put on makeup. She put on diamond earrings that Bill had given her years before, and as she looked in the mirror, she smiled. She looked all right, she decided, maybe even slightly better than that, but it felt odd to be going out without her husband.

Tanya called and made arrangements to pick Mary Stuart up. She was waiting downstairs when the limousine came, and Mary Stuart slipped inside and looked impressed when she saw Tanya. She was wearing a loose, nearly see-through pink chiffon blouse, over black satin pants that showed off her trainer's hard work and her spectacular figure. She had on high-heeled black satin pumps, and her blond hair stood out like a huge mane. She looked incredibly beautiful and very sexy, but her assessment of Mary Stuart was satisfactory too.

“You look so elegant,” she said admiringly, there was a quality about Mary Stuart that she had always envied. Everything about her was so completely perfect, down to the very last detail, the last hair, the last nail. She had sensational legs, and great hair, and tonight, for the first time in a year, her big, warm, brown eyes looked a little less haunted. “You look great.”

“You're sure I won't disgrace you?” Mary Stuart asked shyly.

“Hardly. You'll have to be kicking the men away all night.” She grinned, and then raised an eyebrow. “Unless of course you don't want to.” But Mary Stuart shook her head at that. She wasn't looking for anyone else. Not yet, at any rate. And more than likely never. But she didn't like feeling that part of her life was entirely over, and for the past year it certainly had been, and in spite of her talk with Tanya in Todd's room that afternoon, for the moment, there was certainly no light at the end of the tunnel. But it just felt good to be dressed up again, and going out, and meeting new people. And the party, when they got there, was better than they'd expected.

Felicia Davenport was wonderful and warm and hospitable to both of them, and she and Mary Stuart spent a long time talking about New York and theater and even children. Mary Stuart loved her. She was a fascinating woman, and obviously a great friend to Tanya. Tanya spent most of the evening surrounded by men, and Mary Stuart had her fair share of admirers as well. She let everyone know she was married, and her wedding ring was plainly visible, but she had several very interesting conversations, and the whole evening was good for her ego. She felt great when they finally left, and Tanya offered to take her out for hamburgers again, but she really thought she should get home. She didn't want to push her new independence, and set Bill off.

Tanya dropped her off at home, and Mary Stuart invited her up, but she said she wanted to get back to the hotel and make some calls and relax, since Mary Stuart didn't want to go out to dinner.

“Thank you for a great time… for a lot of things…” Mary Stuart smiled at her gratefully. “As usual, you saved my life. It's funny how you always do that.”

“I don't do anything except turn up once a year like a bad penny.”

“You take care of yourself now, you hear,” Mary Stuart scolded her, and they both laughed and then hugged, and Mary Stuart stood on the sidewalk and waved until the limousine disappeared, and as she turned and walked inside, she felt like Cinderella. Tanya's visits always transformed her life while she was there, and they always reminded her of what good friends they had been, still were, and probably always would be. It was a good thing to remember. And she felt better than she had in months, maybe over a year. Tanya's timing couldn't have been better. And even though she was having problems herself, she had still managed to give so much to Mary Stuart.

“Mr. Walker just went upstairs,” the elevator man announced when she walked in, and a moment later she was in the apartment, and she saw him walk into their bedroom. He heard her come in, but he didn't turn around and look at her. It was like a slap in the face as she saw him walk away from her and refuse to see her.

“Hello, Bill,” she said as she walked into the room shortly after him, and only then did he acknowledge her, as he glanced over his shoulder. He was holding his briefcase.

“I didn't see you come in,” he said, but she knew he had heard her. He hadn't wanted to see her. He was the master of denial and rejection. “How was the party?”

“Very interesting. I met a lot of very intelligent people, it was kind of refreshing. Felicia Davenport was wonderful, and I liked most of her friends. I had a good time,” she said, without apology for once. She suddenly didn't feel that she needed to crawl to him, to beg his forgiveness for her unforgivable failure. It was an odd thing to think, but it was as though that afternoon, Tanya had freed her. “It's too bad you couldn't make it.”