The Purity of Blood: Volume I (39 page)

I must have
taken him by surprise because I knocked him off balance and we fell on the
floor with me landing on top of him.
 
I
didn’t move and he made no attempt to get up.
 
Staring into my soul, he reached up and brushed a lock of my hair back
so he could see my eyes.
 
In that moment,
I needed to feel his lips on mine like I needed air to breathe.
 
To be this close to him and not have him was
agony.
 

Unable to stand
his proximity any longer, I shifted my weight to get off of him, but instead he
caught me in his grasp and rolled over until he was on top of me.
 
Still surprised, I stared up at his finely
chiseled features.
 
The light of the fire
casting its shadows on them.
 
They seemed
to dance across his face giving it a strange animation nature had never
intended.
 
On one side of my body I could
feel the fire’s intense heat against my skin.
 
In his eyes, I could also see the flames reflecting his unspoken desires
and for the first time, I felt fear in his arms.
 

His body shaking
ever so slightly above mine, he looked on the verge of losing control.
 
I didn’t want him to have to be so close to
the edge again, not if I could help it.
 
When I made an attempt to get up, he quickly pinned my arms above my
head.
 
He was strong, so much stronger
than I was, and his grip felt like iron against my straining muscles.
 
It was clear I wasn’t getting up until he
allowed me.
 

Afraid?
 
Yes, I was afraid of him, but also of
myself.
 
I was afraid of how much I was
aroused by my fear.
 
Was it too late for
me already?
 
My heart was pounding
beneath him.
 
Inside my chest, I could
feel it reverberating, as if it were feverishly trying to pound out its last
beats before it was silenced forever.
  

I looked into
his eyes.
 
They were still that same sky
blue, but intense and fixed on mine almost as intently as that first time we’d
seen each other in the hallway outside his office.
 
I hoped he wasn’t toying with me like the
trapped prey I felt like at this moment.
 
Trapped, afraid, excited, aroused prey.
 

I struggled
again, but it was no use.
 
It wasn’t so
much that I was afraid for myself, I was more afraid for him, that I’d
inadvertently pushed his emotions too far for him to be able to control.
 
I had no idea what was about to happen next
and it frightened me, but … I liked it, it was more than exciting.
 
I don’t think he saw fear in my eyes, and
hard as I tried I couldn’t begin to identify whatever emotional state he might
be picking up from me.
 
My inexperience
with men had left me with no labels for what I was feeling.
 

At that moment I
couldn’t read his face.
 
I had never seen
him look at me this way before.
 
No man
ever had, but I think he was fighting a battle within himself.
 
One he was unsure he would win.

Slowly, I could
feel his grip on my wrists ease up, but his expression never changed.
 
I stared back at him, suddenly meeting his
gaze with almost equal ferocity, but I was no match for him and I knew it.
 
I broke our gaze for only a moment, peering
out the corner of my eye at the fire.
 
I
was distracted by a loud crackle and shifting of wood when he kissed me
hard.
 
His passion travelled through his
lips into me like electricity, but I didn’t know how to react.
  
I tried not to kiss him back, to not let my
passion envelop me like it had on the hillside only this morning.
 
He must know I was holding back.
 
But his kiss was so demanding and yet at the
same time so giving.
 
While demanding
what passion my body had to give, he was also giving me a part of his soul.
 
Problem was, I wasn’t sure it was something
he should part with.
 
It might be the
only thing keeping me alive in his arms.
 
And yet with all this, all I wanted to do was to give myself to him, but
I knew I had to be strong.
 
Hard as it
was, when all I wanted was to give into the demands of his lips, I put my hands
between us and pushed.

After a few long
seconds, I could feel his kiss beginning to ebb away.
 
Then he slowly pulled back only to look down
at my face.
 
I breathed a sigh of relief
when I saw unchanged, the sky blue of his eyes.

He rolled over
and sat next to me while I stayed motionless on my back.
 
I desperately wanted to know what he was
thinking, but I was too terrified to ask.
 
A moment later he looked over at me but said nothing, his expression
completely unreadable.

“You have to
tell me what you’re thinking?” I begged, unable to stand it any longer.

“You’re just too
tempting,” he replied in a low, husky voice.
 
“You have no idea how I feel when I’m around you.”

I felt like I
could have said the same words to him but kept silent.

“Sooner or later
my passion will consume me and I’ll lose all self-restraint.
  
The reason I want to protect you, will be
the reason I end up killing you.”

“But you
didn’t,” I said leaning up on my arms.

“But I wanted
to.
 
I wanted to give myself over to it,
to let it consume me like fire.”
 
Then he
looked back at the fireplace.
 
“I could
feel your heartbeat pulling me into the flames and I didn’t want to fight
back.”

“We’ll find a
way to make this work,” I said, hoping it was true.
 

He shifted his
gaze back at me and smiled.
 

“We have too,” he replied.
 
Despite the gloom in his voice, his eyes said he wasn’t ready to give me
up just yet.

An hour later we drove back down
to campus.
 
After we said our goodnights,
I reluctantly went upstairs and got in bed.
 
He didn’t kiss me goodnight.
 
I
hadn’t expected that he would, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed.
 

As I lay there
staring at the dark shadows on the ceiling of my room created by the lights
coming in through the blinds, I wondered how often he’d watched me sleep and
what I must have looked like.
 
I had a
hard time imagining that I looked anything like an angel in the grubby sweats
and t-shirts I usually wore to bed, at least not a heavenly angel.
 

Nothing seemed
within my control anymore and that bothered me immensely.
 
But tonight when I got into bed, I was
wearing my one nice pair of pink, satin pajamas.
 
I just wondered if he found his way down to
NPU again this evening, what kind of expression he’d wear.
 
I fell asleep with a picture of his face in
my
head, smiling in the shadows.

SARA

On
Sunday I went to church with
Tabitha and Mike.
 
After they picked me
up at ten, we drove into town to attend services at the small Baptist church
they’d been going to.
 
I’d felt bad every
time my mother asked if I’d gone to church yet.
 
It wasn’t that I hadn’t wanted to so much as I’d been overwhelmed, first
by school, and now by Daniel.
 
I hadn’t
gone since I’d been at NPU and I knew it was something my mother was going to
ask me about when I got home at the end of the week.
 

Mike and Tabitha went here a couple of Sundays a month.
 
This wasn’t the first time they’d asked me to
go with them and I guess still feeling bad that I’d blown them off a lot lately
to spend all my time with Daniel, I more than happily agreed to join them this
morning.
 
I knew I was probably a little
too wrapped up in him emotionally and thought joining them would be a good
thing for all of us.
 
I loved Daniel, but
I needed perspective as well.
 
In the end
I think I wanted to feel closer to God, the one true constant in my life.
 
I could feel that I was losing touch with
some important part of myself, and hoped to find answers to some of my more
pressing questions in his presence.
 
I
hoped God would show them to me or give me the guidance I was so desperately
searching for.

When the service ended, we walked
back into the cool morning air.
 
I was
glad I’d gone.
 
In all honesty, I’d been
feeling pretty guilty about my feelings toward Daniel.
 
They weren’t exactly what you’d call
saintly.
 
I think through my worship, I’d
gained some of the perspective I’d needed to re-center myself and see things
for what they really were.
 
As much as
Daniel felt like the center of my life to which all things now seemed to
revolve, it was good to remember that he was
not
the center of my universe, or any.
 
Only God held that title.

Daniel?
 
He’d simply taken up residence in my heart.

As we started
down the front steps back to the car, I heard the sound of a familiar voice
call “Hi, guys,” and I turned to see Ben coming up behind us.
 
He looked a little more polished than usual
in a nice blue shirt and dress slacks.

“Hey, Ben,” Mike
greeted him with.
 
“I was wondering if we
were going to see you this morning.”
 
Apparently Ben often came with them or on his own sometimes.

Since it was
just before noon and we were already in town, Tabitha suggested we go to lunch
before heading back to campus.
 
No one
seemed in a hurry to get back so we started up the hill towards the College
Diner.
 
Invigorated by the fresh fall air,
our conversation was animated during the short walk to the restaurant.
 
Ben and Mike joked around while Tabitha and I
took up the rear and talked about her sister and their family drama.

The after church
rush now in full swing, the diner was already crowded when we arrived and by
the time we were finally seated, I was ravenous.
 
I put my menu down after only a minute of
perusal.
 
I was too hungry for lengthy
deliberation and settled on my usual choice of a hamburger and fries.
 
After scanning the room for signs of our
waitress, I looked over at Ben who was still studying the menu intently.

“Not much here
that isn’t full of grease, is there,” he muttered

“
Fraid
not,” Mike said almost gleefully.
 
“That’s why I love it here.”

When Ben
ordered, I saw our gum smacking waitress’ eyes lingering on him, but he didn’t
seem to notice.
 
Handing her the menu
back, he smiled up at me, catching me in my own stare his way.
 
Breaking away from his gaze, I was just in
time to see the waitress give me something of a dirty look out of the corner of
her eye before trotting back behind the counter in a uniform that I was sure
was a little too short for a woman her age.
 
After she left, Ben leaned in towards me.

“So, where’s
your boyfriend this morning?”

I had to think
about who he was talking about for a moment.
 
I still wasn’t used to having one and Daniel seemed like so much more
than that flimsy label insinuated.

“I’m not
sure.
 
I wanted to spend some time with
them this morning.”
 
I nodded towards the
other end of the table where Mike and Tabitha seemed deep in private
conversation.

“That’s good,”
he said with a note of irritation in his voice.

“Why do I get
the feeling you don’t like Daniel very much?”

“Because you’re
right,” was his curt answer.

“Can I ask
why?”
 

I kept my tone
as pleasant as possible hoping to coax more of an answer out of him.
 
Seeming hesitant to answer, he paused
searching carefully for his words.

“Let’s just say
I’m familiar with his kind.”
 
Keeping his
voice low; he leaned in closer my way.
 
“If I were you, I’d steer clear of him.
 
Pretty boys like him will only break your heart – or worse.”

As he finished
his statement, he turned toward the others and jumped right in to join their
conversation as if we hadn’t been talking at all.
 

I found his
comment more than a little odd as Ben was almost as good looking as
Daniel.
 
For him to call Daniel a pretty
boy was like the pot calling the proverbial kettle black.

Again, just like
with Ryan, I couldn’t understand why Ben would care who I chose to spend my
time with.
 
Ben and I seemed to have some
moments together during our hike, but other than joining us for the occasional
meal; he’d never made any special effort to pursue me that I was aware of.
 
Sucking on my straw, I thought more about it.

Ben couldn’t
possibly know the truth about Daniel.
 
I
mean even if he did, what would he do?
 
Expose him?
 
Try to kill him?
 
Run screaming back home to Montana or
wherever it was he was from?
 

I leaned back in
my chair and watched him laugh at something Tabitha said.
 
I smiled.
 
I couldn’t help it, his smile was infectious.
 
No, he didn’t know anything.
 
I still wasn’t sure what the cause of
conflict was between the two of them, but I did know it was unlikely I’d ever
drag it out of either of them voluntarily.
 
Unfortunately, stubbornness was a trait they seemed to share in equal
proportion.
 

Lunch was good.
 
They
really do have good fries there and aren’t stingy with them either.
 
Not that I’d ever admit it to Daniel, but it
was nice to eat with people who actually ate with me and didn’t study my every
bite and chew with rapt attention.
 
During
the course of our meal, I actually stole a few long looks at Ben as he ate his
chicken salad sandwich, trying to see what it was that seemed so fascinating,
but I still didn’t get it.
 
I guess you
really did have to be a vampire to get that one.

After lunch we walked back to the
church parking lot.
 
Mike and Tabitha
broke ahead of us and got in the car while Ben stopped at the edge of the lot.

“Where’s your
car?” I asked.

“I walked.”

“Do you want a
ride back?”

“No, I’m
good.”
 
He looked up at the clear
sky.
 
“I want to get some exercise and
enjoy the weather.
 
This won’t last for
long.
 
We’ll be in winter coats before
you know it.”
 

There was
something in the wistful way in which he stared up at the sky that called to me
on an elemental level, causing an involuntary sigh to escape my lips.

Mike pulled up
next to us and stopped.
 
After a moment’s
hesitation, I walked over and leaned in the open window by Tabitha.

“I’m
gonna
walk back with Ben.
 
I’ll call you later.”

Tabitha peered
around my shoulder.
 
I followed her gaze
to see Ben shifting his weight from foot to foot somewhat uncomfortably.
 
Realizing we were watching him, he shyly
smiled and turned away.
 

Did he just blush?

“Alright,”
Tabitha answered, but I could tell by the tone of her voice she had doubts
about the wisdom of my decision.
 
Without
another word they drove off leaving us alone in the empty lot.

As we started
back, we found ourselves at the top of the main drag in New Paltz, looking down
the steep incline into the valley below, Mount Mohonk visible off in the
distance.
 
He was right, it was a
glorious day and I didn’t want to be indoors either.
 

We started back
towards campus at a leisurely pace.
 
It
was a Sunday and neither of us had any particular place to be.
 
It made a refreshing change of pace from our
usual Monday through Friday regimented class week where we always seemed to be
rushing to and fro.
 
We walked in
strangely comfortable silence for a while with only the occasional exchange of
small talk.
 

As we walked
along, it occurred to me that I knew very little about Ben.
 
From what I was able to gather of our
conversations over the last month, he seemed like a very private person with a
talent for evading questions.
 
So much so
that you never realized he’d done it until much later on.

“So what’s your
major?” I asked, breaking a long period of silence between us.

“I’m still
undeclared.
 
I was thinking about
English, but now I’m considering Business.
 
What about you?”

“I have no
idea,” I sighed.
 
“I never had a
clue.
 
I thought something would come to
me when I got here and started classes, that I’d have some great revelation
about where my future career path would take me.
 
But so far … so far, I guess I’m more
confused than ever about what my future holds.”

“Why’d you pick
NPU then?”

“To be honest it
looked nice in the pictures and had a good library.
 
It was a convenient distance from home with a
broad range of majors and didn’t break the bank tuition wise.
 
Plus my father really seemed to like it for
some reason.
 
What about you?”

“Distance was a
main reason for me too,” he answered, avoiding my gaze.

“I thought you
were from out West somewhere.
 
That
doesn’t seem very convenient to me.”

“Well, that’s
assuming you wanted to be close to home.”

“Oh.”

“I needed some
distance from my family,” he sighed.

“That bad, huh?”

“Not really, but
I got a lot of grief when I didn’t go pre-med from day one and attend my
father’s alma matter.”

“Is your dad a
doctor?”

“Yes, and his
father before him, and his father before him, for five generations.
 
But I don’t want that life; I’m nothing like
my father.”
 

You would have
thought his father was a serial killer by the way he answered.

“Well, whatever
the reason, I’m glad you’re here,” I said in a cheery tone, hoping to dispel
the black cloud that had formed over his head.
 

He looked over
at me with those big brown eyes and smiled just a little, just enough to make
me feel a little uncomfortable at their intensity.

A few minutes
later we crossed the street and entered the south edge of campus.
 
Our conversation was steady now and had taken
a light hearted tone.
 
We talked about
our favorite and least favorite classes.
 
I carefully avoided mentioning my real favorite, Art History.
 
We talked about music and movies we loved as
well as books we’d recently read and found we had remarkably similar tastes in
all of the above.

We parted ways
at the base of the footbridge across from the back door of Capen Hall, and
after waving goodbye, he continued along in the direction of Gage Hall where he
lived.
 
I was amazed at how much I’d
learned about him in that short half hour walk.
 
I had a feeling I might know more about Ben now than any of our friends.

Strolling over
the bridge, I wondered why Ben suddenly opened up to me.
 
Yes, we’d talked many times before, but this
time he answered all my questions directly and without hesitation.
 
It made me wonder what had suddenly changed.
 

As I started
toward the walkway leading up to the back door of Capen, I noticed Daniel
leaning against my car watching me.
 
His
arms tensely crossed in front of him, he didn’t look happy.
 
When I changed direction and started his way,
I couldn’t help but notice that he made no gentlemanly attempt to meet me half
way.
 
Instead he sternly stared at me,
appraising my every move as I approached him.
 
I smiled his way despite his frown.
 
I was puzzled, but too happy to see him to care.