The Promise of Provence (Love in Provence Book 1) (4 page)

Andrea was actually more like the sister she never had. They had grown up together. Their fathers had been brothers, and Uncle Andrew had immigrated with Jozsef and Elisabeth. He married a Canadian girl, and the cousins had been born within weeks of each other. Uncle Andrew had moved to Kitchener with his family when Andrea was in first grade, but the two families had maintained the tradition of spending every second Sunday together, alternating homes, which were a quick hour’s drive apart.

Andrea, her husband, and their three children had lived on a small farm in the Mennonite area outside St. Jacobs, just north of Kitchener, for twenty-five years. Katherine and James visited often, and Katherine in particular had a close relationship with the three grown children. James had never shown a strong affection for any children, although he liked them well enough.

Katherine felt a hint of relief now. Andrea better than anyone would have a shot at helping her begin to sort through the tangle of emotions.

“I made some beef-and-veggie potpies this morning and tried a new bread recipe, so I’ll bring dinner. I’ll just go and find Terrence out in the garden and be on my way,” Andrea offered, still sounding grim. “Kat, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I’m just stunned . . .”

“Me too, Andie. ‘Stunned’ is the word. I keep bouncing between disbelief, sadness, and rage. I’m glad you’re coming down.”

“Make sure there’s white wine in that fridge. Lots of it!” Andrea instructed.

Katherine pulled open a cupboard so the trash container slid out, and she dumped the entire magnificent bouquet of roses into the bag in one swoop—vase, water, and all. As she tied the bag, a cloud of fragrant perfume wafted up, causing her to pause briefly, shocked at her callous behavior.
What a shame
, she thought. Then she took the bag to the large garbage bin in the garage.

The phone was ringing as she came back into the kitchen; the display indicated it was Molly.
Better get it over with
, she told herself.

“Kat! I’m so glad I caught you!” Molly cut in, halfway through Katherine’s hello. She had a loud, raspy voice that took on the softest tone, almost a whisper, when she taught piano to children, and transformed into a soulful, smoky singing voice when she worked her weekend gigs at the Blue Note.

“Where the hell have you been, lady? You didn’t answer my call from two days ago! You won’t believe the day I’ve had . . . Oh, crap, sorry I was a tad tardy with the anniversary wishes, but ya know me! Better late than never! Anyhoo, did you have a nice time celebrating your twenty-two years? At the Old Mill, as always! Same as ever?”

Katherine swallowed hard.

“Katski, are you there?”

A sound not unlike a squeak escaped Katherine’s lips as she desperately tried to form a word and not a sob.

“Ka-ther-ine! What the fuck’s happening? Oh my God, something’s wrong. You’re crying. Tell me you’re okay . . .”

Sniffing loudly, Katherine gulped and cleared her throat as she began. “Don’t interrupt . . . please. Just let me get through this, okay?”

Molly had to work at it but managed to remain quiet until Katherine indicated she was through with the details.

At that point, Molly was uncharacteristically at a loss for words as she blew out a loud burst of air. When she did find her voice, a string of curses exploded. “Un-fucking-believable . . . Oh, Kat, I’m so, so sorry. I’m just leaving for the Note, but I can come over right after the last show. Shit! I wish I could come right now. I just frickin’ can’t believe this!”

“It’s okay,” Katherine said softly through more tears. “Andrea is on her way and going to stay overnight.”

“That’s good,” Molly said with a sigh of relief. “Nobody better. She’s the Goddess of Serendipity, and I mean that sincerely.”

Katherine nodded into the phone. “Why don’t you come for breakfast with us tomorrow? I’ll be in better shape by then . . . maybe. It’s hard to think straight, but crazy as it sounds, I’m actually having some lucid moments. It’s just totally bizarre.”

“Fuckin’ right it’s bizarre, and a whole lot worse!” Molly added, issuing some highly unpleasant suggestions about James’s health and safety before they said good-bye.

That was done. Her mom, Andrea, and Molly knew. Somehow it made the whole mess seem more real.

No one else really mattered. The neighbors on both sides of the townhouse were young married couples who seemed busy with their lives. They occasionally enjoyed a drink on one patio or another from time to time, and she figured they would eventually realize what had happened. There were people at the cycling club she knew well who would be placed in the most horrid position with this affair. She would prefer not to have to talk to anyone there for quite a while and hoped no one would call too soon.

Of course she would have to say something at work, even though no one there had ever met James. Dr. Henderson treated his staff extremely well, but didn’t believe in socializing with them, so there were no personal connections there. He had once explained how years earlier, before her time, he had found it simply too upsetting to get to know spouses who were later replaced by others. At the time she had agreed wholeheartedly, even though her experience in that regard had been limited to a few of James’s colleagues. It was awkward and weird.

Now it was happening to her, she considered with a sorrow that felt like grief as she flopped onto the couch. She was being replaced. Slumped in the cushions for quite a while, that single thought rolled around in her head.

Slowly she began to do something her mother had taught her long ago. As a youngster, if she was unhappy or crabby, Elisabeth would hand her a pencil and a piece of paper with a line drawn vertically down the middle. Katherine would make a list on the left side of all the things that were bugging her and on the other, all the good things in her life.

The good list was always much longer.

Tearing off a sheet from the grocery list pad, she wrote:

The good side isn’t outweighing the bad at the moment
, she berated herself.
I’m obviously having a bit of trouble seeing the positives. Will I ever? Are there any?

Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to will herself not to cry but knew it wasn’t going to work.
Maybe it’s best anyway to get rid of these tears before Andrea gets here.
She lay on the couch as the wetness slowly washed over her face, streaming down her neck and onto the cushion behind her. There was almost a sense of calm that came with them this time. A letting go of something, although she wasn’t sure what.

Her mother’s words came filtering through the debris floating around in her head.
Every day is a gift.

The past few days didn’t feel as if they had been gifts or anything close to that, she thought.

I’ve got a lot of work to do
.

After a while, she went upstairs to the office and sat at her computer. She hadn’t checked e-mails for the three days since her world had fallen apart. Normally she only looked at them in the evening anyway, as she didn’t have much of a contact list. In fact, James, Molly, Andrea, the Toronto West Cycling Club, a couple of charities for which she volunteered, her yoga studio, and her colleagues at work were the only people who had her address.

A message from James was waiting. She chose not to open it.
Later
. Instead she read the messages from her colleagues at the office asking how she was feeling and sending a few files for her to take a look at when she felt up to it. They hoped she would be back with them on Monday.

I will
, she told herself.
Life goes on
.

Opening iTunes, Katherine considered listening to some music, but every selection brought too many memories.
Too soon for that
, she muttered as she closed it.

Next she clicked on the local newspaper websites, attempting to focus on something beyond her own life. Katherine was an admitted news junkie. She began and ended every day with the local online newspapers, as well as the CBC, BBC, and Al Jazeera. It would not be difficult to put in time until Andrea’s arrival. How much of what she was reading today would sink in was entirely another story.

Random thoughts mixed with doubt, uncertainty, fear, and shock, pushing everything else aside. Concentration wasn’t happening.

Life can change in an instant, she knew—accidents, test results from your doctor, heart attack, murder,
your spouse announcing your marriage is over
—but when it actually happened, acceptance was a process more anguishing than she could have imagined.

3

The doorbell rang and Andrea walked in the front door. Standing in the hall, her eyes met Katherine’s for a split second before they wrapped their arms around each other.

Andrea burst into tears.

Katherine did not, astonished at her erratic emotions.

The first bottle of wine emptied in no time. Andrea pulled herself together and listened in amazement as Katherine related every detail of Wednesday’s events, leaving nothing out. Suddenly, Katherine’s resolve broke and she sobbed, through a flood of tears, the question she simply could not reveal to her mother.

“What’s wrong with me, Andie? This all somehow has to be my fault. What did I do wrong?”

Andrea grasped her by the shoulders and gave her a gentle shake.

“This absolutely is
not
your fault, so don’t start beating yourself up. That’s a natural reaction, but let’s just take a look at the facts. You’ll see you are not to blame for anything.”

The raw shock Kat had suppressed at her mother’s was finally exposed. Like an open wound that had been festering for days, she needed to find a balm for it. Something that might stop the toxins from taking over.

Andrea listened quietly, sharing that pain as Katherine poured her heart out. How she felt deceived and betrayed. How she railed against the unfairness of her infertility and how her body had failed her. Pounding her fists on the table at times and at others burying her face in her hands, she wondered how she would ever climb out from under the devastation.

Much later in the evening, Andrea insisted they eat, although neither was really in the mood. Andrea’s potpie with its light, flaky crust accompanied by her sweet and savory flaxseed bread, were nothing less than delicious.
“Schmeckt gut!”
Katherine murmured with an appreciative look.

Andrea smiled back upon hearing those familiar words of Elisabeth’s, glad to see that Katherine’s mood had altered somewhat.

“You and Mom both know how to prepare food that gets right to your soul,” Kat said.

The wine was making her mellow but not maudlin.

Slurring ever so slightly, she predicted, “I’m not going to let this beat me down. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, but I know I’m strong enough to get through this.”

Andrea calmly agreed. “I know that too, and even though it won’t be easy at first, you will come through this just fine. I guess it doesn’t really help at this point, but two women in my bridge group have had their marriages end in the past couple of years, and they’re both doing well. Great, in fact.”

“It’s such a bloody shock, that’s the kicker. I mean, James never stopped acting like things were fine. He’s obviously been deceiving me for a very long time. It makes me feel like our whole marriage was a sham.”

She sat, quiet and still, as tears streamed down her cheeks again.

Andrea reached to take her hand, squeezing it gently.

“Kat, that’s a normal reaction. You had some very good years, and I bet this hasn’t gone on for long.”
That was a dumb thing to say.
What do I know?
Comfort isn’t always easy to dispense
, Andrea thought.

They sat like that for several minutes. Andrea felt awkward about giving Katherine another hug, as Kat’s body language seemed to say she didn’t want one at that point. Kat wiped her tears with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly, taking the tissue box Andrea handed to her and blowing her nose. She hadn’t really been crying, she realized. The tears just forced their way out, and she didn’t feel like trying to stop them.

“Let’s try to get some sleep. I actually am feeling quite exhausted now. I’m glad I stayed at Mom’s last night, but I feel like I didn’t sleep much.”

Crawling into bed, she turned off her reading light as reality settled in once more. Stretching her arm across the sheet, she could almost feel the warmth of James lying there. A memory opened of how good it was to spoon herself up behind his strong, lean body. He would reach back and take her hand in his, making her feel safe and secure. Often they fell asleep like that. The emptiness felt like an enormous chasm.

This is the way I will go to sleep for a very long time
, she thought,
possibly the rest of my life. In fact, yes, the rest of my life, I will never fall in love again. Never
.

Lying awake in the darkness, Katherine breathed deeply, feeling as though she had never truly grasped the meaning of the word
“alone”
until this moment. Her whole body ached from the inside out.

Then an agonizing thought came: Had the tender love he felt once for her been given to this other woman? Did he hold the other woman close and dance with her the way they had? Did he take her hand and kiss it and tell her how much he loved her, looking deeply into her eyes? Did he hold her in a strong embrace and say she was the best thing in his life?

Gone. James was gone. Her marriage was gone. The future she had thought lay ahead of her was gone. She felt like she was gone too.

She was awake before dawn. Sleep was not bringing her much respite. Dressing quietly and leaving a note by the espresso maker on the kitchen counter, Katherine slipped out to walk through the familiar neighborhood that was just beginning to show signs of life. Here and there a light appeared as others began to prepare for their day.

The warm shades of the brick Victorian and Edwardian mansions appealed to her sense of style and history. Most were now divided into multiunit dwellings and townhouses, and a sense of community had developed.

Twenty years have passed in a flash
, she thought.

By 8:00 a.m. the area would come alive with bikes, in-line skates, and Vespas. University of Toronto students and staff made up a significant portion of the neighborhood, along with young families, professional couples, and retirees.

Katherine had always felt safe here, as if she belonged, but this morning she suddenly felt displaced.

Replaying her evening with Andrea, she hoped it helped her cross a hurdle that was critical to finding her footing. She knew there would be missteps and untold moments of despair, disappointment, and anger to come.

What choice do I have?
she questioned with a shrug.
It’s not like I’m the first person this has happened to. I’ve joined the crowd.

Molly would be another challenge. Her friend’s fiery temper would erupt, and there would be a lot of nasty talk. Shaking her head at the thought, she was glad Andrea would be there.

It went much as Kat had anticipated. Molly burst into the house with expletives flying and stomped around the kitchen for several minutes cursing James and Ashley to hell and beyond.

Katherine and Andrea stood leaning against the counter until Molly stopped, took a breath, and pulled Katherine into her arms. Bursting into tears, she whispered her sorrow into Kat’s ear and then they all cried. Even Andrea was drawn into the moment and knew it couldn’t be helped. She put her arms around the other two as they all tried to find comfort.

They cried as they shared Kat’s pain and disappointment.

At length, Andrea filled the coffeemaker as tissues were passed around. Molly surprised them by becoming very calm and quite logical and empathetic as they talked.

Getting closer to noon, pretty much everything had been said. Andrea whipped up a quick omelette for brunch and toasted some of her delicious bread as Molly regaled them with a few stories from the previous night at the Blue Note. Never a dull moment there, and just the comic relief they needed.

As Molly cleaned up, they made a list of what steps needed to be taken over the next few days.

Katherine would call the lawyer back the next morning. She had already decided she would go into work at noon so she could set a few things in motion first without having them weigh on her mind at the office. Not having the stomach to do it herself, she asked Andrea to open the e-mail from James and read it out loud. Molly perched on the edge of the desk while Katherine paced.

Thankfully it was brief and to the point. “Kat, I hope you are doing okay. Again, I’m sorry. Please call or e-mail me as soon as you can.”

She decided she was not up to hearing his voice and responded just as briefly. Andrea stayed at the keyboard as Kat dictated.

“I’m waiting to hear from my lawyer.”

“. . . you fucking asshole,” Molly interjected.

“I put your things from the garage by the side of the driveway.”

“. . . you dumb prick,” Molly added as Kat and Andrea burst out laughing.

Katherine continued, “You can pick them up anytime.”

She paused for Molly to have her say.

“. . . you shit-for-brains bastard.”

“Please don’t try to see me if I’m home. The locks have been changed.”

“. . . you shameless, lying, deceitful loser.”

Andrea clicked on “Send” forcefully.

“Ha!” Molly exclaimed and then snorted. “I saw what’s left of his precious bike in that garbage can outside the garage door. You really did a number on it, Katski! Good job!”

“What? I must have missed it,” said Andrea. “I was in such a hurry to get in the house I didn’t notice anything outside. What’s Molly talking about?”

Katherine looked slightly abashed. “I worked myself into such a rage on Saturday I did the only thing I could that I knew would really, really upset James. I totally destroyed his bike.”

“Holy crap!” Molly muttered.

Andrea rolled her eyes and nodded. “That would do it, Kat. Wow!”

“I can’t tell you how good it felt. It was a very mean, vengeful, vindictive act—and I don’t have an ounce of regret about it. I needed to do something.”

Molly laughed cynically. “Never underestimate the therapeutic powers of revenge. James is going to shit his pants when he figures out what’s in that garbage can! I’d love to be peeking out the window.”

“Serves him right,” Andrea agreed.

“I can’t believe I did it,” Katherine said, shaking her head.

After a tall soy latte, grande caffe mocha, and venti green tea at the Starbucks around the corner, Andrea convinced the others to walk over to the Royal Ontario Museum, a nice stroll away. Some kind of distraction was what she had in mind.

Katherine still had difficulty accepting the beautiful weather when she felt so stripped of the ability to appreciate it. In spite of the best efforts of Andrea and Molly, she continued to feel dead inside, simply empty.

“
‘The Warrior Emperor and China’s Terracotta Army’
,” Andrea read aloud as they approached the ticket window,
“
‘an exhibition of objects from the tomb complex of Ying Zheng, first emperor of China, from 259 BC.’ It was only discovered in 1974. Imagine! I’ve been dying to see this!”

“Me too,” Katherine agreed, trying to summon enthusiasm.

“Oh, brother,” moaned Molly, “it’s not exactly how I planned to spend my day off.”

“Thanks, Molly, I’m glad you’re hanging out with us. I appreciate it,” Kat reassured her friend.

The exhibit covered one thousand years of war and peace and profound societal change in China. The sheer beauty of the craftsmanship was remarkable. The sixteen life-size warrior figures and two horses on display cast an eerie time-travel vibe.

Katherine entertained thoughts about time traveling out of her present life.

“Twenty-two hundred years old,” Molly commented. “There were thousands of statues found, and each face was different. That’s frickin’ amazing, isn’t it?”

Katherine nodded, still without much feeling. She was going through the motions but not connecting. Andrea put her arm across her shoulder as they wandered through the display.

“You know, from the back, you two could be twins,” Molly observed, pulling up the rear.

“Oh yeah,” replied Andrea, “but not when you turn us around. I got the freckles and big boobs!”

“Not to mention that her hair is short and a totally different color,” Kat added. “But you’re right, Molly, we are the same height!”

They all laughed at that.

Picking up a pizza on the way back to the townhouse, they spent another hour quietly chatting before Molly got up to leave.