The Problem With Heartache (25 page)

Lottie smoothed her features and reached out to wipe some of the tears from under my eyes. “Oh, lovely Kate.”

I bit my lip. “He … he was amazing. An artist; an old soul kind of guy, you know?”

Lottie nodded encouragingly. “I know.”

“He’d had such a hard time in life; his parents passed away when he was younger, and he’d had cancer …” I swallowed the lump that emerged in my throat. “But he was a good guy, you know? He showed me … how to appreciate being in the moment. How to really live.”

We sat in silence for a few moments, punctuated only by the sounds of heels clicking through the hotel lobby, a low thrum of voices checking in and checking out.

I sucked in a deep breath. “The worst part it … I’m starting to forget. And that hurts, hurts so, so much.”

Stab.

Right in my heart.

Lottie pulled back a moment, her hands clasped firmly in her lap. She pursed her lips, as if making a decision, then opened her mouth. “Do you mind if I ask you something pretty candid?”

“No.”

“Do you think you’re honouring his memory by holding onto the past?”

The words hit me like a slap in the face. “I … what are you talking about?” I spat, but the anger didn’t boil in my blood like I wanted it to. “I am … I’m hurting, okay? How can I …? Just, don’t. You’re wrong.”

We sat in silence for a while, Lottie looking at me, me thinking about Lachlan, Jay hiding under a pillow. We were possibly the least rock ‘n’ roll trio ever to tour with a band.

“Mommy … are you still finding me?”

I smirked, and Lottie gave me a wry smile. She danced around the chairs for a few moments, pretending to look under all the cushions, inside pot plants, and even in my handbag, while I played along and offered her ‘places’ to look. Finally, she saw Jay and gave him a full-body tickle, resulting in the sort of giggles that stick in your heart. They sucked their way into your soul.

After his mirth dissipated, Jay locked his ocean-coloured eyes with Lottie’s. “I need to wee,” he whispered, his eyes wide. I couldn’t help but give a short giggle again. The kid had cute pouring off him by the kilo.

Lottie took Jay’s hand and I picked up my phone and bag, walking with them to the corridor that led to the hotel restrooms. “Want me to hold that?” I gestured to Lottie’s handbag and she smiled, holding it out to me.

“About before …” She trailed off, biting her lip.

“It’s nothing.”
It’s everything.
“I know you meant well.”
But how can I let just let him go?

She walked down the corridor and led Jay into the women’s restroom, and I spent a few minutes contemplating when, as a single mum, you let your little boy pee in the men’s room alone.

But my brain kept turning back. Turning back to the inevitable. My thoughts churned around at a million miles an hour, but the overriding one, the one that shouted, kicked, screamed, and pulled at my hair, was hard to ignore.

It was asking
what if she’s right?

I leaned back against the wall and faced the foyer, but a raised voice pulled my attention back to the hallway. It was because I knew that voice.

Lee.

“We had a deal.”

I froze, unsure if I should stick my head around the corner to see who he was delivering those venom-filled words to, or if I should stay right where I was.

I pursed my lips and tried as hard as I could to decipher the mumbled words by another man in the distance.

“What did you just say?” Lee’s voice was heated, and even though I was so curious as to what he was talking about, I couldn’t help but thinking
keep it down, idiot.
If any of the press here at the junket upstairs got wind of this, it’d be Scandal City.

I leaned as close as I could to the corridor without actually looking in, desperate to hear the other man’s response.

“Excuse me, Miss, can I help you?”

I cursed as a staff member of the Grand Sawain Casino gave me a curt bow, his maroon-coloured top hat wobbling dangerously when he moved. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“Are you sure? Because we offer a guest service centre with free Internet, coffee and tea, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And added to that—”

“Fuck off!”

The words rang out clearly through the corridor, through the whole damn lobby, and people stopped walking, their heads spinning toward where I was standing and the restrooms behind me.

I followed, unable to look away, even though I knew I was about to view a train wreck.

Lee Collins stood at the end of the corridor.

On the floor, clutching his jaw, was a man I’d never seen.

Four years, six months ago …

I
COULDN’T
get enough of her. It was like Carly was the tide, and I the ocean. She stimulated everything I was, moved me, made me want to reach greater heights.

I adored everything about her; the way she looked, talked, laughed, dressed, walked … everything she did fascinated me.

We were meant to be.

I’d only seen her, been in her extraordinary presence a handful of times, but I already knew she captivated me.

“Lee,” she answered the front door, her eyes wide, her lips slightly parted, quickly replaced with a smile. “I didn’t expect you here. What a surprise.”

“I hope this is okay,” I said, pressing my lips together. I’d cancelled a show, said I felt sick, because I had to see her again. It had been ten days since our last coffee date, and she’d plagued my mind like a disease, rendering me unable to think of anything but her. Anything but
us.

“It’s … great!” She blinked, but I saw the look. The split second of indecision that entered her eyes, and I got a clue, an inkling, that maybe this wasn’t for her what it was for me. Maybe this was a one-sided affair.

No. Surely she felt it, too. We were
everything
more.

And I had to show her that.

I surged forward, aiming to press my lips to hers but she turned her head at the last second, leaving me kissing her cheek. Her soft, sweet scent of daisies washed over me and I slowly moved back, feeling like a grade-A dick

“Oh.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. How did I get the signals so confused? We talked on the phone almost every day, and she’d begged to come to gigs whenever we were in town. “Have I read this all wrong?”

Carly bit her lip, then opened her mouth to speak and slammed it shut again. Finally, she found her words. “Lee, I really like you.”

Four little words. They sounded so positive, but you’d have to be a fool not to read the subtext. “I’m sorry.” I ran a hand through my hair and stared at the sky. This hurt. It hurt like a damn bitch.

“Don’t be.” Carly stepped close to me again, and that stupid daisy smell wafted up my nostrils. My stomach turned. I’d really thought we were meant to be together. Carly. Me. 
Forever
. “I … I’m not really ready for a relationship right now.” She studied the ground beneath her. “There’s been this guy ... Well, he’s been travelling a lot for work, and so things are kind of hard. We’re … we’re not really together right now.”

I narrowed my eyes. She … did she mean …
me?
“Oh.” I nodded. She isn’t sure that I’m really into her and will stick around in the long-term. “But you think when he’s ready to stay in one place for a while, you guys will be … y’know, together.”

Sunshine flared in Carly’s eyes as she grinned. “Exactly.”

A million thoughts raced through my mind. How long would I have to wait until we could be together? Would I have to quit the band to make it work? When was I going to see that fine body naked?

Focus, Lee. Take each day as it comes.

Carly placed her hand on my shoulder. It felt warm there.
Nice
.

“Don’t you have a gig across the country tonight?”

There was a moment in your life when you could tell the truth, risk it all, and admit to being the total fool that you were. Risk the shame, the ridicule, and worse, the rejection of someone you not only value, but who you’re beginning to hold dear.
Someone you could possibly love.

“I cancelled it. For you.” I took that risk. I embraced, relished it, dove in headfirst. Where Carly was concerned, nothing could be enough.

Carly looked at me, her eyes a storm of emotions all warring with each other. But eventually, it was enough. She leaned forward, this time giving me a tiny peck on the cheek. “That’s so sweet,” she sung in a quiet voice, her breath hot on my ear. “But next time, just take me with you.”

“Ahem.” A throat was cleared behind her, and I pulled back immediately. Standing in the hall was a tall man with salt-and-pepper hair, but the body of a tank. Seriously, the guy looked like there could be a stripper or a body builder hiding underneath that near seven-foot frame, and something told me—probably his ridiculously large biceps—that I did not want to fuck with him.

“Lee, this is my dad, Mike.” Carly stepped back and clasped her hands, looking from her father to me.

Mike gave me a look, narrowed eyes, head to the side, and Carly gave him the world’s least subtle elbow to the ribs.

It jerked him into action and he extended his hand for me to shake, which I did, with gusto. Still, it seemed like he was holding back, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because he disapproved. Maybe no one would ever be good enough for his little girl.

I smiled at Carly. I couldn’t blame him.

“Well, it was nice meeting you.” I nodded, and Mike gave a wan smile before retreating back into the house without so much as a goodbye.

“You live with your parents?” I asked.

“Shut up! Bartending doesn’t exactly earn me a heap of cash,” Carly whispered, linking her arm through mine and walking out of her house.

“I would have thought you’d earn great tips.” I smiled, but I could just as easily have said ‘I would have thought your tits get you tips’ because
that
was how enamoured I was with her in that moment. I couldn’t think straight; words were no longer coherent.

“Anyway, you know the bar stuff is just while I study. When I get my fashion degree, I’m going to move out, get a real job.”

“I know you will.” I pulled her closer to me, and when she didn’t resist, I kissed the top of her head. I wanted so badly to kiss those lips, but maybe she just wasn’t ready. After having a guy be on- and off-again with her for a while she no doubt had little faith in men who were constants in her life.