The Private Papers of Eastern Jewel (15 page)

After that first time, not a day passed without our making love, usually by the pagoda, but sometimes in the green meadows where the grass smelled clean and made tiny cuts on our skin as we rolled naked on it. Jon was a considerate lover but too conventional to be exciting to me. I could have taught him how to please me better, but I wanted him to think me unskilled in such matters. In any case, Kanjurjab was proving an adept student and had called me to his bed several times since Tsgotbaatar's death. I think that he was eager for me to conceive, so that his father's star might be replaced in the heavens. If I had been able to, my life may have found its place on those bleak plains of Inner Mongolia. They say that women born in the Year of the Tiger make good mothers.

Meanwhile, Jon found caution hard and I worried that we would be discovered before my plan could be put into action. Throughout the day he would seek me out, talk to me with his head bent to one side, as though everything I said deserved his complete attention. It was as though he could not bear to have me out of his sight. Such captivation was what I wanted from him, but it did put us at risk. Sometimes, late into the night when everyone was sleeping, Jon would come to the house, quieten the growls of the dogs and cover me with his body until the thin dawn light seeped through the cracks in the shutters. I asked him what he told Nandak and his concubines about his night absences. He said that he didn't need to tell his concubines anything and that Nandak believed that since Tsgotbaatar's death he found it difficult to sleep and felt the need for solitary contemplation.

'Does she really believe that?' I asked doubtingly.

'How would I know?' he said. 'Her smile disguises everything she feels.'

I often saw Jon full of nervous energy, striding up and down between the gers as though he might explode with the knowledge of us. He was like a boy who had discovered in himself an unsuspected capacity for love and adventure and was fired with the thrill of it. He told me that he felt as though his blood was shouting and that he couldn't concentrate on even the simplest task. It surprised me that no one seemed to notice Jon's behaviour, but I thought it wise to draw him into my plan before his changed personality gave us away.

I chose my time well, waiting until just before we made love. Close at his side against the pagoda wall, I said that if I couldn't have him forever as my one true love, then I couldn't bear the torture of having to be near him every day. I would run away and be lost to him, even if it meant spending my life in misery.

'Where would you run to, Yoshiko?' he asked.

'I would run to China, Jon,' I said innocently, as though I had just thought of it. 'I could make a life there, although it would be a poor one without you.'

'You would die on the plains by yourself,' he said, touching my cheek lightly. 'For you, even summer nights in the open would be a burden. Without me to read the stars for you, how would you navigate?'

'Then come with me, Jon,' I said, 'take me out of Suiyuan so that we can have a life together. I cannot bear it here and when we are discovered, as we are bound to be, things will be the worse for us.'

Surprisingly, Jon put up no resistance to the idea of us leaving Suiyuan together. I think that at first the idea was like a fantasy that he enjoyed imagining and talking about. All true lovers dream of a future with the object of their desire and the idea of escape allowed Jon to imagine what his might be with me. It wasn't long before he came to believe that not only had it been his idea, but also that it was our only chance of spending our lives together. He said that he had the courage of love and was prepared to give up everything for the passion he believed to be ours. Although he was sorry to desert Nandak and his children, he was more ashamed of betraying Kanjurjab. Despite the pain the severing of such strong ties would cause him, Jon would have paid any price to be with me.

With his blood up, he made a plan for us to slip away on the first night of the summer grazing. We would simply go on a ride and never return. The camp would be busy with the putting up of gers and preparing the first meal. It would be dark and we would have a few hours' start before anyone thought of looking for us. If we stayed longer, it would be impossible for us to be together at all, as Kanjurjab would resume his rides with me and I would be expected to sleep in my husband's ger.

Any plan we made would have its hazards, but Jon said that he would risk all three of his souls for me and that he loved me more than the stars in the heavens, more than Tengger himself. I echoed his words back to him but could not think that he believed them; they sounded empty and passionless to my ears.

People think me cruel, and they are right. I can be very cruel, but I am not without sympathy for my victims. I liked Jon, but I felt impelled to act on my own behalf. I readily confess to selfishness, something that we all repeat many times in our lives.

One morning Boria decided to ride with Jon and me to the pagoda. He had never joined us before and Jon was uneasy about it. Of course, Boria, who never did anything impulsively, had his reasons and we should have taken more care with where we led him that day than we did. Looking back I think perhaps he had noticed Jon's unnatural behaviour, or maybe he was suspicious without really knowing why. All he said was that it was a fine day for a ride and that he would enjoy the company.

When we reached the tower Jon and Boria raced around it as they had done as boys and in a light moment Boria encouraged me to join in. It made my head spin and I had to dismount and lie on the ground with my eyes closed until the sky had stopped dancing. I looked up to catch Boria staring at my prostrate body, and then at the young nettles flattened to the ground where Jon and I had lain the afternoon before. His mood changed abruptly and I knew that he had guessed our secret. He dismissed my offer of vodka and rode home between Jon and me without speaking.

If it hadn't been for Boria, I would have made my escape with Jon and left him in Port Arthur to make what he could of his life. I had already begun sewing my money into the lining of the del I planned to wear on the journey into China. Jon was deciding on which horses would be best and which dogs to take with us. We would probably only need to sleep one night in the open, two at the most. It depended on how far the tribe travelled on that first day before settling on a camp. The dogs would keep us warm as we slept and would warn of intruders. Apart from the horses and dogs, Jon would take the three nuggets of gold that had come to him as part of Nandak's dowry, and for luck a small statue fashioned in silver of Maitreya, the Buddha of the future. He gave me the three gold weights and said that I should hide them on my person. As Nandak would notice the missing Buddha he would bring it with him on the night of our escape. I did not tell him about my own money but said that I would take all the jewellery I possessed, including the jade pendant that Xue had given me. Jon said, 'Leave the pendant, Yoshiko. Kanjurjab should give it to the woman destined to be his true wife.'

With our plans made and only a few days to go before we started our journey, I was confident of success. I decided that I would return the gold nuggets to Jon when we were safely across the border. He would need them to finance his new life, wherever he chose to make it. Before I left him I would place them on the pillow next to his as he slept; it would ease my conscience and save me from having to see his pain.

I told Jon that with so little time to go before we would be together for ever, we shouldn't risk our plan with the chance of discovery. Boria may have had suspicions but he had no proof of anything. Jon agreed and we decided to stop the rides, and his nightly visits to the house.

But he couldn't keep away and one night after we had made love and he lay sleeping, slumped across me, the dogs gave a low growl and I opened my eyes to find Boria standing over us. He didn't say a word, just stared for a little, then turned and left the room as quietly as he had come.

Jon slept on but I lay awake, anxious that by morning Boria would have sought out Kanjurjab and informed him of his wife and brother-in-law's betrayal. Yet something told me that might not be his way of dealing with the situation. Boria was not the sort of man to rush into things without thinking them over first. He would have no fears for my punishment, but he was fond of Jon and would not wish to see him disgraced and banished from his family and friends. It was likely that Jon and I would be gone before Boria decided what to do with his newfound knowledge. In any case, it would be pointless for me to appeal to him to keep our secret. He alone would decide and no amount of pleading from a mere woman would affect his decision.

When Jon woke I didn't tell him of Boria's visit. Instead I sent him back to his ger with a kiss and the scent of my chrysanthemum oil lingering on his skin.

As it happened, Boria, who looked like a man who'd had a sleepless night, made his intentions clear to me that same morning. I was sitting on a pile of furs, smoking one of my hoarded Turkish cigarettes, when he came striding into the house. Without even the formality of a greeting, he told me what his plans for my future were.

'It was an unfortunate day that Kanjurjab settled on you for a wife,' he said coldly. 'Unfortunate for my family and I suppose for you too, Yoshiko.'

I nodded in agreement. 'Blame me if you will, Boria, but you cannot fashion love out of the air. I do not love my husband, nor do I like his way of life, and those two things will never change.'

'Only because you will not let them,' he said. 'You are too determined for a woman, too without duty and humility. You will cause trouble wherever you go, Yoshiko, because it is not in your nature to accept your fate.'

'I agree, Boria,' I said. 'But what is to be done about it, especially as I have no desire to change my nature? Whatever you plan to do about it, I will not spend my life in this desperate place. Jon is the only one who will help me escape it.'

'You care nothing for Jon,' he said scornfully. 'You will use him and desert him without a thought.'

'I care, Boria,' I replied. 'But I am desperate. I will do what needs to be done to avoid living in your frigid world. It is my nature to free myself, just as it is yours to be bound by duty.'

Boria snorted in disgust. 'No matter how clever you think you have been, Yoshiko, you have simply overwhelmed a less devious nature than your own. Jon is too good a person to believe that anyone could plan what you have without love being the spur. I am angry with him for being such a fool, but I won't let you use him so badly.'

'You can't stop Jon helping me,' I said. 'We will find a way no matter how difficult you make it.'

'I know that,' he said flatly. 'But I can save Jon from a life he would find not worth living. When you leave, Yoshiko, it will be without him.'

'But my dilemma is that in order to go, I need Jon to take me.'

'Jon is not the only one who can take you out of Suiyuan. I have a plan that will help you leave tonight without his knowledge, one with a greater chance of success than you would have had with him.'

I was suspicious of Boria; he was a clever man, sure of himself and determined. I could see myself as the victim of his plan.

'So it will be the honourable Boria who helps me to leave my husband?' I asked quietly.

'It will be me,' he said. 'Not because I care what happens to you, Yoshiko, but because it is the lesser of two evils.'

'Still, Boria,' I said, 'I am Kanjurjab's wife, and you put yourself and your family at great risk by assisting me.'

'Like you, Yoshiko, it seems I have no choice. This way only Kanjurjab's pride will be hurt, but without his family Jon's life will be a poor thing not worth the living, Nandak's heart will be broken and my family will be damaged beyond repair. So, providing you do exactly as I say, you will get what you want so badly and in time we will all recover from the disgrace of our connection with you.'

'It seems that I don't have much choice, Boria, so tell me your plan and perhaps I will agree.'

'Firstly, Jon must not come to you tonight, you must make certain of that. Be ready to leave as soon as it is dark, keep the fire going and the dogs in as normal so that no one's attention is drawn to the house. If you do as I say and make no goodbyes to anyone, my plan will work.'

'I will be waiting for you, Boria, but if you let me down it will be you as well as Jon who pays the price,' I warned.

'Bring only what you can carry with ease,' he said, ignoring my threat. 'And remember, nothing is accomplished yet. We will be in danger until the moment that I return here unseen and without you.'

After he left, I felt excited by the thought of where I might find myself when the sun next rose. Somehow I knew that Boria was right when he said his plan had a better chance of success than Jon's would have. He had a cool head on his shoulders, whereas Jon's, hot with passion and romance, was blind to the true danger of our situation.

I believe that Boria cared for Jon a great deal, but his willingness to help me stemmed more from his fear that his whole family would be torn apart if Jon ran off with me. In Kanjurjab's small tribe, the chain of family and honour was linked by blood and loyalty and these two were considered paramount to a decent life. The stain on the family from the chain breaking in such a fashion would humiliate them all for years to come. By helping me, Boria sought to avoid that humiliation. I would be the only miscreant, a woman without loyalty who had deceived them. They would hold my foreign blood to blame and never return to Japan for a bride.