The Prince Charles Letters (9 page)

Knowing you are a lover of the humorous, I must pass on an exchange I had with an Impresario at a recent West End function. He had been in touch with Mr Andrew Lloyd Webber, who is in the process of putting together one of his musical extravaganzas. He was looking for someone to write the book – you know, the lyric – and for some reason, your name entered the conversation. To cut a long story short, the misapprehension arose that I had mooted you as a collaborator with him.

How I guffawed! It’s been said of me, rudely by family members, that I am apt to advance the most far-fetched and hare-brained suggestions but the very thought of you two fellows in cahoots had our party roaring with laughter, myself loudest of all. Now, back to the real world. Edible exercise books in school … Have you given any thought to this matter?

Yours, indeed

HRH The Prince of Wales

Lenny Henry

The British Broadcasting Corporation

London

England

18 January 1988

Dear Mr Henry

First of all, I should like to congratulate you on being in all likelihood Britain’s foremost black entertainer, breaking down barriers of prejudice and giving us all a much-needed good laugh. I know David Bellamy roars at your impersonation of him – you seem to have a tremendous feel for what white people are like. Which brings me to the matter at hand. It occurs to me, as Heir, that I will be presiding over a number of citizens from the black community. I will be their king as well and as such, I feel duty-bound to get to know them better, inside out.

To this end, I have devised a plan, which I thought I would present to you for your response. I propose, for a few days, to live in the black community disguised as a black man to find out more about how black people live, how they think and feel, in work and at play; observing them at close hand. You know, whenever I meet anyone, they’re always on their best behaviour – it makes me wonder what they would be like if they didn’t know it was one.

Of course, I know how badly this could possibly backfire: I might accidentally give myself ‘away’, which could be exceedingly embarrassing, or too little care could go into the make-up, leaving me like one of those minstrels about whom many of us now feel absolutely awful. Which is why it’s important that the make-up job be first rate.

I put the idea to one of my footmen, who it so happens is black, and insofar as it’s possible to gauge the reactions of a man suddenly stricken with a coughing fit, he did not appear to disapprove of the idea. Do you?

Yours, anxiously

HRH The Prince of Wales

Lenny Henry

The British Broadcasting Corporation

London

England

18 January 1988

Dear Mr Henry

Thank you for your response and yes, as you delicately put it, the whole idea does seem potentially catastrophic on a number of levels. Thanks for your honesty, though I must say one isn’t entirely convinced – I so want to ‘help’.

Yours &c

HRH The Prince of Wales

Jimmy Savile

Leeds General Infirmary

Leeds

Yorkshire

England

6 March 1992

Dear Mr Savile

I don’t think I’ve ever complimented you on the tremendous job you have done in educating people as to the nuances and details of the ‘rock’n’roll’ and ‘pop’ scenes. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Tina Charles’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Rod Stewart & The Faces’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Abba’, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Bay City Rollers’ … One goes away from your radio broadcasts feeling so much more informed.

I wonder, therefore, if I might persuade you to help me put together a cassette tape of pop songs, which I intend to present to my wife as a birthday present. I want to show her that I’m ‘with it’ and attuned to modern tastes, but so far all I’ve been able to think of putting on it is the one and only Duran Duran, the one and only Elton John, the one and only Phil Collins and the three and only Three Degrees.

You have your ear to the ground, you know the ‘scene’ – would you help a fellow out?

Yours &c

HRH The Prince of Wales

Julian Clary

c/o Channel 4

Charlotte Street

London

England

18 September 1992

Dear Mr Clary

I am writing to congratulate you on your homosexuality. Not everyone would agree with your right to exist as such, especially among the religious communities of whom I am Defender, but I think in time we can all sit together at the table of reasonableness and thrash out some sort of compromise in plain and simple language – free, one hopes, of the ‘double-entendres’ that are your stock in trade!

I’m writing to you, as one of the leaders of the homosexual community, on what you understand is a purely hypothetical matter. Suppose one harboured the suspicion – no, strike that, impression – that a member of one’s own family were homosexual? What would you advise? Not everyone can ‘come out’ in the way you did – for a start, you might find yourself out of a job if they did!

To the best of one’s knowledge there hasn’t been a homosexual in the Royal Family in many centuries, since Edward II, and even then, it might have been dramatic licence on the playwright Marlowe’s part. Are we statistically, even genetically, unusual? And if so, what are the odds of the family tree bearing one now? Perhaps we might discuss this matter privately, though still hypothetically, I cannot emphasise enough, at your earliest convenience.

Yours, man to man

HRH The Prince of Wales

Julian Clary

c/o Channel 4

Charlotte Street

London

England

22 September 1992

Dear Mr Clary

Regarding my letter the other day, I’ve given the matter further thought and decided to give the matter no further thought. It is quite unthinkable!

Yours &c

HRH The Prince of Wales

Eileen Derbyshire

(aka Emily Bishop)

c/o Granada Studios

Manchester

England

18 January 1994

Dear Miss Derbyshire

Well, for reasons you have doubtless read about my own life has become something of a ‘soap opera’, as I find myself in a so-called ‘love triangle’. I sometimes wish, as with you, that the credits could roll and there might be a day or so respite before it all strikes up again but alas, life is life – a 24-hour a day commitment!

I am sure you have read all about my affairs in the newspapers so I shan’t rake over them here. Suffice to say, I do find myself wondering what Emily would have made of it all. I feel you are disappointed in me, Emily, the way you sometimes are in Ken when he goes ‘off the rails’ – or worse, Mike Baldwin. I suspect Emily might even scold me. Would you? I think I’d find that hard to bear, like a mother’s harsh words.

If you could, in Emily’s character, find a few words to say to me that you think might be both wise and reassuring at this time, I’d dearly appreciate reading them. If, however, you feel that Emily would be unable to bring herself to comment, perhaps you could get Percy Sugden, your lodger (or the actor who plays him at any rate) to convey to me a similar message to that effect.

Yours, in eternal confusion

HRH The Prince of Wales

Noel Edmonds

‘Crinkley Bottom’

BBC Television Centre

London

England

6 April 1994

Hello there, Noel!

And no, this isn’t one of your hilarious ‘spoofs’ – this is the actual Prince Charles. You’re something of a national institution, you know – from
The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop
to ‘Mr Blobby’ and the ‘House Party’, somehow you and your familiar beard sum up England and its mentality.

I have a favour to ask: I’m doing a presentation on eco-sustainability in Lancashire, in the regions. It’s an outdoor event and there will be young people there. It would impress them enormously if you were to make an ‘impromptu’ appearance. I see it mapping out as follows: I begin an address on the need to drastically cut down on our frivolous, wasteful use of fossil fuels. In your helicopter you descend from the skies, land, step out and in a few words endorse everything I’ve said, adding some comments about the need to conserve oil. Then you step back into your helicopter and with one last wave, fly off. I think it would really drive home ‘the’ message.

‘Blobbily’ yours!

HRH The Prince of Wales

Spike Milligan

c/o The British Broadcasting Corporation

Wood Lane

London

England

18 August 1994

Dear Mr Milligan

You can keep your Monty Pythons, your Jim Davidsons, your Harry Enfields and Reg Varneys – much as I remain uncrowned, so too do you – the uncrowned King of Comedy! Your remarks at the microphone show you still have the golden touch when it comes to the funny bone. It wasn’t until I saw your film,
Down Among The X Men
, that it occurred to me how much the word ‘guerilla’ sounds like ‘gorilla’. Your comedy enlightens, as well as amuses.

I think it’s a crying shame that you are not a permanent fixture nowadays in the light entertainment schedules, although of course in regard to this, it is vitally important that we keep the feelings of both the Irish and Pakistani communities in mind.

At an awards ceremony, you called me a ‘grovelling little bastard’. I must confess, when I first got word of this, the blood drained to my boots and I practically swallowed my Adam’s apple. Rather stunned I was. Slowly, however, and with careful explanation from a trusted member of staff, I came to realise the remark was meant in a spirit of amusement and I have now taken it on board. In fact, it has become rather a joke with my staff. I say things to them like, ‘All right, you grovelling little bastards! I need my septic tank draining promptly,’ or, ‘See you, grovelling bastard, my shoelaces won’t do themselves up, you know!’ It’s been several days and they haven’t tired of it yet. We need humour of your sort in order that we don’t get above ourselves.

Grovellingly yours!

HRH The Prince of Wales

Billy Connolly

Sydney

Australia

13 January 1995

Dear Billy

Jolly good to have you over the other weekend, ‘laddie’! I have a feeling we are destined to become terrific ‘pals’. It may well be that some will revile you as a ‘toady’, particularly those of your countrymen of a Jacobin bent, for consorting with the likes of oneself. Ignore them – they are probably jealous! More than likely, they wish it was they, and not you, who had the privilege of being present at the slideshow presentation of my visit to the National Fruit Board.

Incidentally, I appreciate you were a little tired and had to retire early, two hours into the presentation, but you see, that isn’t actually done in one’s presence. Has anyone had a word with you? They probably will in due course.

Your dear chum

HRH The Prince of Wales

Rory Bremner

c/o Channel 4

Charlotte Street

London

England

17 July 1996

Dear Mr Bremner

I hope you don’t think I’m ‘taking’ a liberty but as one with a ‘Footlights’ pedigree, I wonder if I might submit for inclusion on your show a sketch written by oneself and rather ‘taking the rise’ out of oneself? It goes as follows:

(SCENE: The pantry, Buckingham Palace, in the small hours. It’s late at night and PRINCE CHARLES, in a dressing gown, sneaks quietly in and makes straight for the bread bins, opening each in turn. As he does so, HM THE QUEEN, also in a dressing gown, appears at the pantry door.)

QUEEN: What the devil is one doing?

CHARLES: I’m looking for a roll.

(Laughter)

The role/roll pun will work better aurally than on paper, I’m confident. It’s intended more as a ‘rib-tickler’ – so much satire is designed to wound nowadays.

Yours, in comedy

HRH The Prince of Wales

Rory Bremner

c/o Channel 4

Charlotte Street

London

England

30 July 1996

Dear Mr Bremner

I’m sure by now you’ve received, and had a wry chuckle at the sketch I submitted to you the other day. However, I must urge you to stick precisely to the wording and not be tempted to ‘improvise’ around it. I say this because I decided, by way of a parlour game at our most recent family gathering, to give the sketch a try-out with various members of my family playing the roles. My mother, HM The Queen, played herself but refused to say ‘one’, instead insisting on ‘you’ and claiming it was less ‘hackneyed’.

Edward played myself, first of all. For a theatre man, my brother was, I’m afraid, hopeless. Not only did he linger a beat coming into the punchline but he delivered it as follows: ‘I’m looking for a bread roll.’ Needless to say, he missed the sense of the line and I was the recipient of some jolly unjust blank looks.

My sister Anne then took a turn at playing the Queen. This time I played myself without a hitch. However, the lines went as follows:

ANNE (AS QUEEN): What the devil are you doing?

CHARLES (AS CHARLES): What the devil is ONE doing? I’m looking for a roll!

ANNE (AS QUEEN): Well, that’s the only roll you’ll be given around here while I live and breathe.

At which point everyone roared, but you see Anne had missed the point. Mine was the punchline, not that thing she made up. She’d stolen my thunder and in so doing torpedoed the entire sketch.

Finally, I decided to play HM The Queen, if only to get her line right. This time, Prince Philip (my father) played oneself:

CHARLES (AS QUEEN): What the devil is one doing?

PHILIP (AS CHARLES): Well, there are three people in my marriage and it’s a bit overcrowded, so I thought I’d sleep down here.

Which brought the bally house down, but once again was completely straying from the point of the sketch. Whereupon I abandoned the entire exercise and stormed out. My family have absolutely no sense of comedy.

Yours, in disgust

HRH The Prince of Wales

Michael Caine

Hollywood

California

USA

19 April 2001