The Practicing Mind: Developing Focus and Discipline in Your Life (6 page)

B
y now, you should notice — or, shall we say, you should be
aware
of — several themes running through this book. One of these themes is awareness itself. You cannot change what you are unaware of. This truth is nowhere more important than in the world of self-improvement. We need to be more aware of what we are doing, what we are thinking, and what we are intending to accomplish in order to gain control of what we experience in life.

But in fact, for most of us, this is a problem because we are so disconnected from our thoughts. We just
have
them. The horses are running, and we don’t have the reins. We need to become an observer of our thoughts and actions, like an instructor watching a student performing a task. The instructor is not judgmental or emotional. The instructor knows just what he or she wants the student to produce. The teacher observes the student’s
actions, and when the student does
something that is moving in the wrong direction, the instructor gently brings it to the student’s attention and pulls the student back onto the proper path. A good instructor does not get emotional in response to the student moving off the path. That kind of negative emotion comes from expectations, and that is not the perspective we want to have if we are to be our own instructor. Expectations are tied to a result or product, to the thought that “things should be
this
way right now, and until then I won’t be happy.” When you experience these kinds of emotions, they are indicators that you’ve fallen out of the process, or out of the present moment.

As when we were throwing tennis balls into a trash can, we should observe what happens, process the information without emotion, and then move on. This is how we should deal with ourselves as we work at learning something new, or when we’re changing something about ourselves that we don’t like. This includes working on something more abstract, too, such as becoming more
aware
or conscious of what we are thinking, becoming more of an observer of ourselves.

This disconnection from our thoughts and actions is a way of thinking that we have learned during our lives, and one that takes away all our real power. We must unlearn this approach to life. What we are really talking about here is a habit. Everythingwe do is a habit, in one form or another. How we think, how we talk, how we react to criticism, which type of snack we instinctively reach for:
all are habits. Even when faced with
a circumstance for the first time, we respond to it from habit. Whether we observe our thoughts or they just happen in our minds is determined by habits we have learned. We may consider some habits good, others not so good, but all habits can be replaced at will, if you understand how they are formed.

Habits and practice are very interrelated. What we practice will become a habit. This is a very important point because it underscores the value of being in control of our practicing minds. Our minds are going to practice certain behaviors whether or not we are aware of them, and whatever we practice is going to become habit. Knowing this can work in our favor. If we understand how we form habits, and if we become aware of which habits we are forming, we can begin to free ourselves by intentionally creating the habits we want instead of becoming victims of the habits we unknowingly allow to become a part of our behavior. We can gain control of who we are and what we become in life. But what are the mechanics that create a habit? Knowing this would be quite valuable. Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure this out, because others have already done it for us.

The formation of habits has been studied extensively by behavioral scientists and sports psychologists alike. Understanding how desirable habits are created and undesirable habits are replaced is invaluable, particularly in repetitive-motion sports such as golf or diving. In fact, you often see golfers practicing certain parts of their
swings over and over again, or diver
s standing poolside, going through the motions of complex dives they are about to execute. They are practicing and habitualizing their particular moves. What does that mean? To me, when we say that something is a habit, it means that it is the natural way we do something. We do it intuitively, without having to think about it. The martial arts student practices the moves over and over again, habitualizing responses until they become effortless, intuitive, and lightning fast. There is no intellectual process that has to occur in a time of crisis where the brain is saying, “My opponent is doing this, so I must do that.” The responses just happen because they are a natural part of the student’s behavior. That is what we are after. We want something like being more aware of our thoughts to be just a natural behavior, not something that requires a lot of struggle.

Getting to this point is not complicated. It does take some effort, but the effort is minimal once we understand the process. What is required is that you are aware of what you want to achieve, that you know the motions you must intentionally repeat to accomplish the goal, and that you execute your actions without emotions or judgments; just stay on course. You should do this in the comfort of knowing that intentionally repeating something over a short course of time will create a new habit or replace an old one.

Sports psychologists have gotten very consistent results when studying habit formation. One study states
that repeating a particular motion s
ixty times a day over twenty-one days will form a new habit that will become ingrained in your mind. The sixty repetitions needn’t be done all at once but can be broken up into, say, six sets of ten or two sets of thirty during the day. In sports, this type of method can be used to change a certain aspect of a golf swing, or to naturalize any other aspect of a sports motion.

I shoot target archery. The way in which you draw the bow to full tension, and when and how you breathe, is art of good form. Practicing the proper motions many times a day over many days creates a habit of motion that
feels
right and natural and is done without conscious thought. However, you can just as easily haphazardly draw the bow and huff and puff, and that will also become a learned habit. That is why you must be aware that you are forming a habit, know what you want to accomplish, and apply yourself with intentional effort.

Replacing undesirable habits works in the same way. I am sure you have experienced trying to change something that you have done in a certain way for a long time. Initially, the new way feels very strange and awkward because you are moving against the old habit. But in a short period of time, through deliberate repetition, the new way feels normal, and moving back to the old way would feel strange. Once I learned this, the knowledge took much of the stress out of learning something new. It became much easier to stay in the process of doing something new
because I wasn’t experiencing a
ll the anticipation that results from not having any idea of how long it would take to learn something new. I would just relax and repeat the exercise and stay in the process, knowing that the learning was occurring. Yes, I was applying effort, but there was no sense of struggle. I have used this process extensively while honing my golf skills and learning new passages of music, but also in more personality-related changes.

When I identified something in my behavior that I felt was holding me back or producing undesirable results, I would realize that I had already fulfilled the awareness part of the equation. I would then objectively decide where I wanted to end up and which motions would get me there. Next, I worked through those motions without emotion, knowing that many intentional repetitions over a short period of time would create the behavior I was after. There was no need to fret over it. I would just stay with it and know that I was where I should be right “now” and that I was becoming what I wanted to be, accomplishing what I needed to accomplish.

This process works very well, and the more you experience it working, the more confidence you’ll have in your ability to shape yourself and your life into whatever you want.

But what if you want to replace an unproductive habit, such as watching too much TV or reacting in a negative way to sharp comments from a coworker, with a desirable habit, one that is more in line with the person you have
decided you want to be? How do you st
op the momentum of an old habit? To help us with this, we can use a technique called a trigger. For our purposes here, a trigger is a device that serves to start the creation process of the new habit. It’s sort of a wake-up call, a whistle blow or a bell ring, that alerts you that you are in a situation where you want to replace your previous response with this new one that you have chosen. One of the functions of a trigger is to stop the flow of your emotional response to a situation and bring you into a present-moment, nonjudgmental posture so that you can be in control of your actions. The trigger jolts you into awareness and reminds you it’s time to commit to the process you have already decided upon. The trigger is a very simple signal to yourself.

To give an example of a trigger in sports, I work with a lot of junior golfers, many of whom play in weekly tournaments. Before we identify a trigger, we first create what is known as a preshot routine. Its main purpose is to increase their shot consistency by keeping them separate from the emotions of the situation, such as “I need to hit a good shot here or I’ll lose the match,” or “I can’t believe I missed that put on the last hole. I hope I don’t miss the next one.” The preshot routine shapes a stressful situation into a comfortable, objective one in which the golfer says, “This is what I need to do, so here I go.” That’s it; no big deal.

In the preshot routine, the golfers first gather data about what they want to accomplish. This is done very
academically, away from the ball and i
deally with no emotions. The golfers discuss which goals they want to reach, and how they can accomplish them. If you’ve ever watched professional golf on TV, you’ve seen this discussion occurring between players and their caddies, but in the junior golf world, generally, there are no caddies, and the discussion is a dialogue each golfer holds with herself. Let’s apply this to our workplace scenario mentioned earlier. Say to yourself, “Every time my coworker makes an irritating remark, I tend to react in a negative way, and this is not serving me well. So when this situation occurs again, I need to take a different action.”

This new action is the one that you want to habitualize. We must acknowledge here that emotionally laden encounters are among the most challenging ones in which to create new habits of response, because the old habits we want to change arise out of the emotions we immediately experience. Those emotions will still exist no matter what we do, so we need to get out ahead of them, if possible, so that we can consciously choose what to do next. Golfers actually practice preshot routines on their own over and over again until the routines are so natural and comfortable that they become a place to mentally retreat when the golfers feel they are in very stressful positions.

You can create a “preshot” routine that functions in the same way for our workplace scenario, too. You decide on the reaction you want to execute in the safety and unemotional state of a nonjudgmental frame of mind. In
that state, you are fully objective an
d make choices and decisions without mental or emotional clutter. As with the golfer, it is not a bad idea to practice your response: Imagine your coworker barking at you for no reason or saying something that is totally uncalled for. Now envision him in your mind as having no power over you. Observe him with almost detached amusement as you calmly decide how you will respond.

However, as I said, we still need our trigger. It will enable us to start the routines we have so craftily designed and practiced. Such is the case for the golfers. They can gather data and make decisions, but sooner or later they have to step into the playing box, where it all counts. They still have to hit the shot. This is where the trigger comes in. It’s a simple movement that reminds the golfer to start the routine. It could be said it serves to say “let’s get this party started.” If you watch carefully for triggers, you will see golfers’ subtle motions, such as tugging on the shoulders of their shirts, pulling on their earlobes, or spinning the golf club in their hands. These are all examples of the trigger for that golfer that says “my routine starts
now
.”

Let’s return to the workplace and find a trigger that, as I said, lets you get out ahead of your emotions so you can execute the response you have decided upon and thereby begin to make that response your new habitual reaction to the problem coworker. With difficult people, it can be easy to find a trigger: the person merely enters your presence. Once he makes an unpleasant remark, try to use that
very first pop of emotion — your
sense of offense or annoyance — as your trigger. It is very comforting to know that when you remain present in an effort like this, and when you have a predetermined intention about how to react, that intention will, with surprising quickness, come to your rescue and give you that little edge in personal control you need to stay ahead of your reaction. Then your new reaction becomes self-perpetuating. You execute the reaction you want; then your internal reaction to your response feels good because you have protected your inner peace, and you experience the paycheck for your effort. This gives you the emotional and mental stamina to stay with your effort. Thus a new habit begins to form. Eventually the whole process begins to fade into the background as it becomes a natural part of who you are and how you process a situation.