The Piano Man Project (38 page)

‘I’m sure you did,’ Nell said, passing over the wine. ‘From what you’ve said of him, it seemed to me that he was learning who he is now right along with you.’

‘You think so?’ Honey said, ready to grasp at anything that painted Hal as anything other than a shallow, selfish heartbreaker. The wine had started to move in her blood, and she relaxed into her spot sandwiched between her two best friends in the world.

‘It might just have been the wrong time in your lives for you two to meet,’ Tash said, philosophical on her other side. ‘It happens that way sometimes. You meet your soulmate on your honeymoon, or your best friend brings home the love of her life and he’s actually the love of yours. The timing is off, but maybe in another place, another time, you’d have made it. It’s just the shitty way love goes sometimes.’

‘That doesn’t actually make me feel any better,’ Honey half laughed, knowing Tash was doing her best to help. And she had a point; maybe Hal was simply the right man at the wrong time. The thought of what might have been fair broke her heart all over again.

‘How do you ever get over that?’

‘Time,’ Nell said. ‘It sounds trite, but it’s the only thing that’s going to help. Then one day when you don’t expect it you’ll meet someone else, and they’ll put your heart back in the right way around again. You won’t always feel like this, I promise.’

They lapsed into silence, passing the wine between them.

‘When did you two get so wise, anyway?’ Honey said.

‘I’ve had my share of heartbreak,’ Tash said. ‘Although …’

‘What?’ Both Honey and Nell turned to look down the line towards Tash.

A slow, uncharacteristically shy smile spread over her face. ‘Yusef asked me to marry him last night.’

‘Wow,’ Honey smiled and squeezed Tash’s hand, and on her other side Nell grinned and said, ‘That’s huge, Tash.’

Tash laughed. ‘I know. And he is.’

‘You’ve said yes?’ Honey said, although it seemed almost moot given the glow radiating from her friend. Tash nodded.

‘In Dubai, next summer.’ She looked from Honey to Nell. ‘Bridesmaids?’

‘There’s nothing I feel less like right now,’ Honey said, smiling for Tash and crying for herself. ‘But try and keep me away.’

Nell knocked back a slug of wine, pink-cheeked.

‘I don’t know if Simon and I will make it through customs without being arrested,’ she giggled in a most un-Nell-like way. ‘Are you allowed to take a suitcase full of sex toys into Dubai?’

Tash reached across Honey and high-fived Nell.

‘Hats off, Nell. Simon has gone up in my estimation in recent weeks.’

‘Just don’t go and fall in love with your best friend’s husband,’ Honey murmured, repeating Tash’s earlier words.

‘Or someone else’s fiancé,’ a sarcastic voice said from the doorway, and Imogen stepped through the door that Tash and Nell had left ajar. ‘Is this a private party or can anyone join in?’

All three women on the floor stared up at the Amazonian blonde in silence for a few moments. Nell was trying to place her, Tash was momentarily dazzled by the arrival of someone straight from the gossip pages, and Honey was winded by the sight of the woman who could never love Hal as she did but had won the battle anyway. Looking at her now, all long legs and glossy hair, Honey knew it had never been a fair race. A thoroughbred would always romp to victory over a pony.

‘What are you doing here, Imogen?’ Honey said, sliding the empty wine bottle behind her. She didn’t want to give Imogen the opportunity to look down on them as if they were three drunks on a park bench. She heard Nell’s soft gasp of recognition beside her, and felt Tash’s fingers close firmly around hers.

‘You have exactly thirty seconds, and then I’m going to knock your veneers out, lady,’ Tash said.

Imogen looked momentarily wrong-footed.

‘Is he here?’ she said, flicking her eyes towards Hal’s door.

Honey narrowed her eyes. Surely Imogen knew where he was? The combination of wine, sleepless nights and heartache made it hard to think sensibly.

Tash folded her arms across her chest. ‘Have you lost him already?’

Imogen looked from one to the other, irritated, and then stepped over their legs and banged on Hal’s door.

‘Hal,’ she called out, desperation clear in her voice. ‘Hal, it’s me, darling. Please, let me in.’

‘He isn’t in there,’ Honey said flatly, staring at Imogen’s spike-heeled boots. ‘He hasn’t been here for days.’

And then they all fell silent and turned in unison towards Hal’s door, because the latch clicked, and a moment later, excruciatingly slowly, it swung open.

All three women on the floor scrabbled to their feet.

‘Hal,’ Honey breathed. ‘You came back.’ She stared at him, scared to take her eyes off him in case she looked away and he disappeared again.

‘Jesus,’ Honey heard Tash mutter next to her. Honey understood. He’d had the same effect on her the first time she’d seen him in this very same spot, and he’d carried on taking her breath away ever since.

‘Why are you here, Imogen?’ he asked.

Honey had almost forgotten Imogen had even turned up, and felt dull hurt from Hal’s choice to address her first.

‘I came to see you,’ Imogen said, a little more confident in Hal’s presence. ‘Can we talk inside?’

Hal didn’t step aside. Instead, he turned and picked up a holdall from the floor and then stepped out and closed his door.

‘Go home, Immie,’ Hal said gently. ‘You shouldn’t have come here.’

Honey watched as Imogen reached out and laid a manicured hand on Hal’s arm.

‘I’ll only go if you’ll come with me.’

Hal sighed heavily and moved out of her reach. ‘I’m not coming back to London.’

Imogen’s eyes flicked to Honey. ‘Well, you can’t stay here,’ she said.

‘Last time I checked I could do whatever the fuck I wanted,’ Hal said. ‘But no. I’m not staying here either.’

Honey wondered how much a human heart could take before it stopped working. He was here. He wasn’t in London with Imogen. He was leaving again. All this, and he hadn’t even acknowledged she was even there yet.

‘You could,’ she said, finding her voice at last. ‘You could stay here. If you wanted.’

‘Honey,’ he said, turning towards her, and every inch, every fibre of her reacted to her name from his lips.

‘It’s so good to see you,’ she whispered, wishing everyone else would leave, terrified that he would.

‘I can’t stay,’ he said. ‘You know I can’t.’

Panic fluttered in her breast. ‘Yes. Yes, you can. Stay here with me.’

He breathed in deep, and then turned from Honey to Imogen.

‘Immie, I owe you better than to do this here, but it seems that this is how this thing is going to play out,’ he said, stepping closer to his fiancée.

‘I’ve changed, Imogen. I’ve had to. You’re right, we probably could go back to our old lives in London, try to pick up where we left off somehow. We could, but I don’t want to.’ He looked unbearably gaunt. ‘I can’t say this in a way that isn’t hurtful, so I’ll say it in the only way I know. The honest way. We had a wonderful life together, but I don’t want that life anymore. I don’t want London, or a celebrity lifestyle, and Imogen, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be your husband either. Or your fiancé. Or your anything.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘It’s over, Immie. It has been since the moment I lost my sight.’

Honey glanced down at the floor, feeling no victory from Imogen’s defeat. She felt Hal’s words as if they were directed at herself, and she recognised her own sense of loss in Imogen’s tearful face. They both loved him in their own way, and just because the first blow had been a knockout for Imogen it didn’t mean he didn’t have another killer blow up his sleeve.

‘I guess I’ll leave you to your party then,’ Imogen said, looking at Honey.

Honey looked back levelly, her chin high despite her spirits being on the floor. She watched the other woman leave, looking at the door as it closed behind her, knowing in her gut that she wouldn’t be the only person leaving tonight.

She turned to Tash and Nell, holding each of their hands.

‘Should we go?’ Nell asked, her worried eyes searching Honey’s face.

‘We can stay, if you like?’ Tash said.

Honey shook her head and kissed them both. ‘Thank you for coming tonight. You’re the best friends.’

‘Fight for him,’ Tash murmured as she kissed Honey’s cheek.

‘Make him fight for you,’ Nell whispered, and with a small, sad smile, Honey ushered them out of the door.

‘Here we are again,’ Hal said after Honey had closed the door behind her friends. ‘Just you and me in this lobby.’

Honey leaned against the door. ‘We started it here. I guess it’s fitting that we end it here too,’ she said, because despite Nell and Tash’s parting advice, she knew that it was inevitable that Hal was going to walk out of here tonight.

‘Well, you have the advantage on me,’ she said. ‘I guess you heard everything I said earlier?’

His silence confirmed what his words didn’t.

‘So yeah,’ she laughed shakily, a sad sound that echoed around the lobby. ‘I love you, despite the fact that you’re the most difficult, rude person I know. You’ve done nothing to earn it, yet my love is yours anyway.’ She shrugged. ‘Take it. Keep it. Throw it away. Do whatever you like with it, because it’s not mine anymore.’

He looked anguished, not at all like a man glad to hear love declarations.

‘I never intended to let things get this far,’ he said. ‘I tried to tell you. I tried to stop it. Don’t love me, Honey.
I
don’t love me. Fuck, I barely even know me, so there’s no way you can.’

Oh, he wasn’t getting away with that.

‘You’re wrong. I do know you. I probably know you better than you know yourself right now. Maybe you haven’t given up on the old Hal, but I only know the new one, and he’s the man I love,’ she said. ‘Am I not enough, Hal? Is that it? Life here is boring compared to the glitzy London life? I can’t compete with that. I’m not even going to try.’

Hal stepped closer and reached out, holding her by the shoulders.

‘Honey, there is no competition. You win. You win hands down, okay? Life with you isn’t dull. It’s a fucking technicolour rainbow.’

What was he saying? She struggled to sift his words, even more so when his thumb brushed along her collarbone.

‘You’re not second choice. You’re first. The best. The most fucking exceptional girl I’ve ever met in my life.’

‘So why won’t you stay with me?’ she whispered, because despite everything he’d said, she knew he was still going to leave her.

He shook his head, and then slowly removed his dark shades and put them in the pocket of his coat.

‘Because of this,’ he said starkly. ‘I don’t want this life for you. It’s my life, but I won’t let it be yours too.’

Frustration burned hot in Honey’s chest. ‘You know what? I don’t think I’d have loved the man you used to be. I love you just as you are right now. Why can’t you be brave enough to love me back, Hal?’

‘Because this isn’t a place for exceptional rainbow girls,’ he said, touching the side of his head. ‘It’s dark in here, Honey. I’m dark, and I’ll tarnish you if you stay with me.’

‘That’s a crock of shit, Hal.’

He shook his head. ‘Your friends are right. You’ll meet someone else. Someone funny and lighthearted, someone who can love you properly, who can be the husband you deserve, give you beautiful, crazy children. I’m not that man.’

‘
You
loved me properly,’ she said, hot tears on her cheeks. ‘No one’s ever loved me as properly as you.’

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers, so close she could feel his breath on her lips. His hands were still on her shoulders, his thumb still grazed the dip between her collarbones.

‘I’m going away soon,’ he said, slowly.

‘No!’ Desperation edged into her voice. ‘Please Hal, don’t walk away and never come back.’

‘I won’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?’ he said, stepping away from her. ‘I’m not trying to hurt you, Honey. If I stay, I’ll hurt you more.’

Honey reached out and gripped the lapels of his coat.

‘I’m a grown woman, Hal. I make my own choices, and I choose you.’

To a stranger looking in, they might have looked romantic, like a couple locked in a train station embrace.

‘And I make mine, Honey,’ he said quietly, moving to the door. ‘I don’t choose you.’

It would have hurt less if he’d punched her.

A few weeks living in a potting shed turned out to be the most reflective time in Hal’s entire life. He’d been dubious at first when Billy had suggested it as an alternative to calling a cab on the day of the protest, but the spur of the moment choice had actually been exactly what he’d needed. Leaving only once to go home and collect his things, he’d spent his days totally off the grid, cranked back in the armchair listening to the radio, not bothering to retune it from Billy’s preferred choice of Radio Four. He listened to late-night ghost stories, became well acquainted with the residents of Ambridge on
The Archers
, and found himself strangely soothed by the cadence of the shipping forecast in the early hours. It felt as if his life in the flat opposite Honey had been good training for this more extreme version of the same.

‘Stilton and grapes today, old bean,’ Billy said. ‘And I’ve managed to rustle us up a dram of port to go with them.’

‘That’s almost sophisticated,’ Hal smiled, righting his chair and sliding his dark glasses on.

He folded his blanket away as he listened to Billy unpack the food.

‘I looked in on Honey just now,’ Billy said.

Hal lived for and dreaded the daily report in equal measure.

‘How’s she doing today?’

Billy’s quiet moment unnerved him.

‘Poor thing looks as if she needs a good dinner. No colour in her cheeks at all.’

‘But she’s okay?’

Every day Hal looked for reassurance in Billy’s words, and every day it wasn’t quite there.
She’s bearing up
, or
she’s quiet
, or
she’s pale
. How long would it be before Billy reported that she was laughing again, or getting herself into the kind of scrapes only Honey could get into?