The Perfect Mess (14 page)

Chapter 22

The shower pretty much purged what was left of Landon’s energy. He stumbled out of the bathroom and fell face first on the bed. He felt the bed dip and Ben’s body hovering over his. Landon hummed softly as Ben’s lips cruised up his spine until his teeth nipped the back of Landon’s neck.

“I may never move again,” Landon mumbled into the duvet. “I feel completely wrung out,” he said and Ben’s breath shuddered.

“Stay,” he whispered and Landon shut his eyes as pain rippled through his chest and his stomach clenched.

“Ben…” It came out like a beg and Landon prayed he’d let it go. He was so tired, he’d felt fragile for days and he didn’t know if he’d be able to hold it together if Ben made him talk about it.

“Please stay, Landon,” he said hoarsely and Landon’s eyes and nose started to burn. He shook his head and pushed his face into the bedding, trying to escape. Ben’s face fell into the corner of Landon’s neck and wet warmth told Landon he was crying. “Tell me what you want. I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t go. I need more time.” It was so ragged and strained, it felt like Landon’s chest was being ripped open and he gasped.

“I still have a week and I’m staying here,” Landon said shakily. He knew it wasn’t enough and it wouldn’t help but it was all he had. Ben’s hand slid into Landon’s hair and twisted as Ben pressed kisses to Landon’s throat, ears and jaw.

“A week isn’t enough. I want to have a life with you,” Ben said and Landon had to clench his jaw to keep from sobbing as pain exploded in his chest.

“You have to stop. Please,” Landon rasped as he twisted and turned to get out from under Ben. When they were face to face, Ben’s face was drenched with tears and Landon’s stomach churned. His eyes overflowed as he scrambled from the bed. “Don’t do this, Ben,” he begged as he began to pace and Ben sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands.

“I have to. I’m running out of time and I feel so helpless,” Ben complained and Landon fisted his hands in his hair as he looked around the room, trying to remember where his clothes were. Ben jumped from the bed and reached for Landon. “Don’t go. Stay with me. I promise, I’ll do anything,” he urged as his hands gripped Landon’s shoulders and Landon’s eyes bounced around the room as he tried to avoid the tears streaming down Ben’s face. His own were dripping onto his chest and feet in hot, fat drops.

“I think it might be better if I stay with Lindsey,” he said and Ben shook his head frantically.

“No!” He sobbed and Landon’s legs began to shake. “We agreed that we’d make the most of the time we had and not waste any of it,” Ben argued and Landon had to swallow past the knot in his throat.

“I know, but it’s getting to be too hard. It’s going to hurt too much,” he warned and Ben groaned as his arms wrapped around Landon and pulled him against his chest.

“I know but I won’t be able to stand it,” he whispered. “I need you, Landon. I need you to stay.” Ben’s hands were everywhere, clutching desperately as his body pressed against Landon’s.

“I have to go. My job…” His voice broke and he bit Ben’s shoulder as his chest felt like it was caving in. “I sold my apartment and I have to go,” Landon said and Ben shook his head.

“Please, don’t.” It was so weak and raw as he cradled Landon’s head. Landon gulped for air as his chest started to heave.

“This is my dream, Ben. My whole adult life has been about this,” he explained. “You have your dream. You work with the most incredible artists and you worked so hard to get where you are. I’m almost there,” Landon whispered shakily and Ben shook his head as he leaned back. His hands wrapped around Landon’s face as his eyes spilled into his.

“You’re my dream. Us. That’s all I want,” he said and Landon felt like he was suffocating. “You said you dreamed about having this, that I was a dream come true,” Ben said softly and Landon tried to pull away but Ben only pulled him closer.

“I know, but I can’t now!” Landon cried as Ben pressed his forehead to Landon’s.

“I love you,” Ben breathed and Landon clutched at his shoulders as the floor buckled beneath him. Ben’s lips crushed Landon’s and his tongue tasted like mint and salty tears as it twisted urgently around Landon’s. Ben gasped when he raised his head and his eyes searched Landon’s face. “You love me. You can’t leave,” he argued and Landon struggled to pull in a breath as his hands slid down Ben’s throat.

“I love you so much and it’s crushing me because there’s nothing I can do!” Landon said loudly and Ben’s lips trembled against Landon’s.

“What are we going to do?” Ben asked as his voice died and Landon shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he admitted as he slid his arms around Ben and held him tight.

Ben sighed heavily and Landon followed as he backed them toward the bed. He pulled Landon with him as he fell back and their arms and legs tangled as they wrapped around each other. Landon rubbed his cheek against Ben’s chest and listened to his heart beating as he waited for his own to stop hurting and hammering wildly. When their noses stopped running and their chests stopped heaving, Landon raised his head.

“This isn’t going to end when I leave,” he promised and Ben moaned softly as his hands trailed up and down Landon’s back. Landon pecked at Ben’s lips. “I won’t be able to get through the day without hearing your voice. We’ll FaceTime every night. You can come and visit whenever you want and I’ll come back whenever I get a chance,” Landon said and Ben squeezed his eyes shut.

“How am I going to sleep without you?” Ben asked and Landon made a soothing sound as he let his lips drag along Ben’s.

“It’s going to be really hard in the beginning but we’ll make it work until we can find a way to be together,” Landon said. Ben’s fingernails grazed Landon’s back before his hands cupped Landon’s ass.

“What about this?” Ben asked as he ground his hips against Landon’s, causing their erections to rub against each other. Landon growled softly as he thrust back.

“Did you think I wanted to FaceTime so we could talk?” He murmured as his hand stretched toward the bedside table and Ben’s tongue flicked at Landon’s lips.

“It’s not the same but that could be really hot,” he said and Landon nodded as he pressed the lube into Ben’s hand.

“Play with my ass while I tell you about all the nasty things you’re going to get to watch me do,” Landon whispered and Ben’s cock twitched against Landon’s.

“Oh, my God,” Ben groaned as his fingers slid into the cleft of Landon’s ass. “Like what?” He asked breathlessly and Landon chuckled.

“I was thinking I’d buy a few toys…” Landon said then gasped as he was thrown on his back.

“Holy shit, I love you!” Ben declared as he licked his way down Landon’s body.

“I love you too,” Landon said before his eyes flared. “And I definitely love that!” He clamped his jaw to keep from shrieking as two of Ben’s fingers swiftly slid into his hole and hooked around his prostate.

“Tell me about these toys,” Ben commanded as his lips glided along Landon’s shaft.

Chapter 23

“I need you to make sure the vodka keeps coming,” Landon said to the attendant and she nodded sympathetically as she passed on her way to the front of the plane.

The last week with Ben had been physically and emotionally exhausting. Landon had never had so much sex and so little sleep in his life. All he felt was miserable as the plane took to the air. He didn’t give a damn about his new job or that he had to start house hunting almost as soon as he landed. Landon knew he should have been excited knowing that in less than twenty-four hours he’d be at PixelWorks meeting his new boss and settling into his new office. He hated sleeping in strange beds but he loved hotels. None of it mattered.

All he could see was Ben trying to be strong as they parted at the airport. He insisted on walking with Landon as far as he could and hanging on until the very last minute. When they finally let go, promising to call as soon and as often as possible, Landon could already see the tears flooding Ben’s eyes and his lips trembling. Landon rushed away with his carry-on and didn’t have the nerve to look back. He kept his sunglasses on, not giving a fuck if people thought he looked like an alcoholic or a hardcore douche bag, he was crying like a girl by the time he handed over his boarding pass.
Don’t do this!
He heard the refrain over and over and he felt more and more hollow the farther he got from New York and Ben.

By the time he landed in Los Angeles, Landon could barely see straight, he was so drunk. He had just enough presence to find his bags, get into a taxi and tell him which hotel to drive to. The concierge took pity on Landon and made sure he was in bed, hugging an empty ice bucket before he left him. For the rest of his life, Landon would consider himself lucky for not getting robbed, raped or murdered his first night in Los Angeles.

Chapter 24

“Ben, baby… Why don’t you come to dinner with us?” Michelle asked as she peeled the blankets away from Ben’s face. He shook his head and burrowed deeper into his bed.

“I don’t want to leave,” he muttered and there was a long sigh from Michelle.

“Everything’s going to be alright,” she promised as she rubbed between his shoulders. “You have plane tickets to visit in two weeks,” she reminded Ben and he groaned.

“How am I going to sleep for the next two weeks? I’m so used to him being here,” Ben complained. “And what happens after I visit? I’ll have to say goodbye at the airport again. It was terrible. I ugly cried. I’m pretty sure I scared several children. And I couldn’t leave until his plane was in the sky, I kept hoping he’d change his mind and come running back. I don’t want to go through that again,” he said.

“But this is all temporary,” Jason said as he sat on the bed. “Eventually, you’ll figure out a way for you to be together without having to fly back and forth,” he added and Michelle glared.

“Either Landon gives up his dream job and moves back to New York or we all have to move to California. As far as I can tell, this is the opposite of temporary,” she said before she pushed him off the bed. Jason grimaced as he rubbed his thigh and stood.

“You could go on some pretty incredible vacations with all the frequent flyer miles,” he offered and Michelle rolled her eyes.

“This mess will sort itself out. Crying and hiding in your bed isn’t going to make it easier or time go any faster,” she said and Ben shook his head.

“It still smells like him in here and I don’t want to go anywhere until I talk to him,” Ben insisted. He knew he was being a colossal baby and for once, he didn’t care. His heart felt like it was being ripped in half. Michelle sighed.

“Fine. But I’m bringing you food and checking on you in a few hours,” she promised and Ben nodded.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll feel better after I talk to Landon,” he said and she gave him a pitying look as she stood.

“I’ll see you in a little bit,” she whispered as she kissed Ben’s temple and left.

An hour later, Ben felt a rush of relief and anticipation when his phone lit up and Landon’s face filled the screen.

“Hey! How were your flights?” Ben asked, trying to sound cheerful and strong.

“Ben,” Landon exhaled and warmth flooded Ben.

“It sounds so good to hear your voice. I know it’s only been a day but I’ve been waiting by the phone until you called,” he admitted.

“Bennnnnnn…” Landon sobbed and Ben couldn’t breathe.

“Landon? Did something happen? Are you at your hotel yet?” He asked frantically.

“Ben. Neeeeeeeed you,” Landon slurred and Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to control the rise and fall of his chest.

“Where are you?” He asked loudly and Landon gasped.

“You…are not an ice bucket. Thisssssss is so…so…wrong,” he mumbled and sobbed Ben’s name again before he ended the call.

By the time Michelle returned Ben was over feeling sorry for himself and missing Landon. He was furious and in a nearly full blown panic.

“I don’t know where he is! He’s not answering his phone now and when we talked he wasn’t making any sense,” he explained as he paced and did everything in his power not to throw his phone as Landon’s voicemail picked up again. Luckily, Michelle was thinking clearer than Ben and Landon put together. She only had to call three hotels before she confirmed that Landon was checked into the Ritz-Carlton and was safe in his room. The concierge had been very sympathetic and reassured them that he had seen to Landon himself. He’d been in such terrible shape when he arrived, they would have called the police if they hadn’t been able to establish that Landon was a guest with a reservation and able to get him checked in.

“Well… At least you know it’s not just you,” she offered as Ben poured himself a glass of wine. “He’s definitely taking this worse,” Michelle added and Ben snorted as he raised his glass.

“I’m going to kick him in the balls so hard when I see him again,” Ben swore before he took a long drink. Michelle nodded in agreement.

“There you go. Hang on to that anger and seethe until you see him again,” she advised and Ben laughed.

“He’s so lucky I can’t leave sooner,” Ben said then every bit of anger and tension drained from him and he felt empty again. “I wish I could go sooner!” He said as he sagged onto a stool and leaned on the counter. “He sounded so
terrible!
I thought he was injured and he kept crying my name. Why did I let him leave?” He asked before he drained his glass. He poured another and Michelle made a soft, sympathetic sound as she took the bottle and put a stopper in it.

“A few drinks to help you relax is allowed but I can’t have you both incoherent,” she stated and Ben nodded in agreement. Now, he just wanted Landon to sober up and call so that he knew that he was feeling better. Or at least conscious.

Chapter 25

Landon’s eyes burned as they wandered around his new boss’ office. They avoided the large windows and ached at the brightness of the room with its glaring natural light and soft yellow walls. He should have been happy as he stared at the characters that smiled at him through colorful framed prints. They taught him to draw. He’d sketched them hundreds of times as a child and had books full of adventures he’d created for them. Landon’s hands curved around the edge of his seat as he fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. The door swung open and Landon jumped to his feet.

“You’re finally here!” Jeffrey Argus said loudly as he offered his hand. Landon did his best to look excited as he took Jeffrey’s hand.

“It’s pretty hard to believe,” Landon said. “Thank you again, Mr. Argus.” He was about to sit when he was pulled toward the door.

“Call me Jeff. There’s a lot for you to see and I thought we’d start with your office,” Jeff said as he gestured for Landon to follow him. Landon nodded as he jogged along. They didn’t have far to go. Jeff pushed a door open and waved Landon in. Landon blinked as he absorbed everything around him.

While his new office was only half as big as Jeff’s but it was still huge. It was painted in a bright shade of leaf green and had two sitting areas. Landon stumbled toward his desk and the large gift basket covering half of its surface. It overflowed with plush characters, candy, champagne and various PixelWorks memorabilia. Jeff grabbed a baseball cap and deposited it on Landon’s head. He smiled as he set his hands on his hips.

“It looks good on you! Welcome to PixelWorks!” Jeff said and Landon wished the moment felt as magical as he imagined it. And he’d imagined it over and over again, it didn’t make sense that he would feel so flat and empty when he was finally there.

“Thank you,” Landon mumbled as he looked around the room. Jeff’s hand closed over his shoulder.

“Are you ok, Landon? Is something wrong?” He asked and his eyes were searching and concerned when Landon looked at him. Landon didn’t know what to say. He looked at the basket again, hoping the reality would sink in and he’d feel something more than being out of place or that he’d misplaced something very important. Ben’s face filled his vision and Landon’s shoulders sagged.

“I’m so sorry,” Landon whispered as he pulled off the cap and set it on the table. “I made a terrible mistake. I can’t take the job, Jeff,” he said and Jeff’s head lurched back.

“Did you get another offer? If it’s a matter of pay…” he stopped when Landon shook his head.

“I didn’t get another offer.” Landon’s lips pulled tight. “Maybe I did. But it isn’t about the money. I shouldn’t have left New York,” he said, more to himself. “I should have stayed and proposed,” Landon murmured and Jeff laughed.

“Is that it?” He asked and Landon’s head snapped to Jeff’s. “I felt kind of bad, if I’m honest,” Jeff said as he patted Landon on the shoulder. “I was going to have to break it to you and wasn’t looking forward to it,” he said and cringed. “This office is temporary.” Jeff rubbed the back of his neck and Landon frowned.

“It’s temporary?” He asked and Jeff nodded.

“Yeah. We brought you on to head our new anime division. I was going to talk to you about building your own team. But there’s not enough room here. We’re planning to add a whole new facility,” Jeff said and Landon groaned. All of it would have been perfect nine weeks ago. Now, he really was turning down his dream job.

“I’d love all of that, more than you can imagine. But I have to pass. I have to go back, Jeff.” Landon felt a whiff of relief. He was disappointed at the thought of walking away from PixelWorks but he knew he was doing the right thing. Even heading a new anime division at PixelWorks wasn’t worth being without Ben. Jeff laughed as he snatched the hat off the desk and put it back on Landon’s head.

“Go back to New York and propose. Then, start building your team. You can set up your division in New York,” he said and Landon had to grab the desk, it felt like the floor rolled beneath his feet.

“I…” He didn’t know what to say. “Really?” He asked in shock and Jeff nodded as he shook Landon’s shoulder.

“You would have saved us all a lot of trouble if you had mentioned your desire to stay in New York when we were negotiating your contract,” Jeff said and Landon knew his mouth was hanging open.

“I didn’t think it was an option and it wasn’t an issue then,” he said and Jeff grinned.

“Looks like she’s an issue now,” he said and Landon winced.

“He,” Landon corrected and Jeff’s eyes grew wide.

“Oooohhh…” His voice trailed off and Landon became nervous. He prayed that he wasn’t about to lose everything because he’d just announced that he was gay.

“That’s really too bad, then,” Jeff said and Landon’s throat burned. Jeff sighed heavily. “I think you’d be perfect for my brother. If you weren’t leaving, I’d introduce you,” he explained and Landon practically melted with relief. Jeff shrugged then put his arm around Landon. “I guess it’s back to New York for you. Hang out for a few days so we can work out the details. I expect you to hit the ground running and get a team put together while we set up your new offices,” Jeff said and Landon nodded drunkenly as he processed everything.

“Absolutely. You have no idea what this means to me. This is more than I ever dreamed was possible,” Landon said. “I can’t wait to get back and get to work,” he stated and Jeff clapped him on the back.

“I knew you’d be a great fit. I’m just glad we finally know where we’re putting you,” Jeff said. “Let me introduce you to your very temporary receptionist and then we’ll get you in-processed. The sooner we get all of that taken care of, the sooner you can be on your way back.”

“Hey,” Landon said as he fell onto the bed and loosened his tie. It had only been a few hours since he called to beg Ben’s forgiveness and promise he was going to survive. He still felt like hell but it was so much better than when he first woke up. At 6:00, he wanted to die.

“How was your first day?” Ben asked and Landon silently kicked his legs and fell back on the bed as a rush of giddy joy and relief poured through him. It was so hard not to laugh and excitedly spill all of the details. Instead, he sighed as he kicked his shoes off.

“It didn’t go as I expected,” Landon said heavily. “Actually, I have something to tell you.” He listened as Ben sucked in a breath.

“What is it?” His voice was flat and low. Landon cringed. He couldn’t drag this out.

“I don’t want you to come out here,” he said and he heard Ben exhale hard. “I won’t be here, I’m coming back,” Landon explained and Ben gasped.

“What? What do you mean?” He asked excitedly and Landon’s eyes filled with tears and his heart started to race.

“I’m coming back, Ben!” He said loudly. “They’re giving me my own division. I’m going to be head of anime and I can set it up in New York. I don’t have to stay here,” Landon said and a strangled choking sound answered. “Ben?”

“That’s incredible! I’m so happy for you!” Ben cried and Landon nodded as tears streamed down his face. Ben pulled in a shaky breath. “You’re coming back. I can’t believe it,” he whispered and Landon pressed his hand to his chest as heat spread through him.

“I told him I couldn’t stay. I was going to turn down the job,” Landon said softly.

“What?” Ben’s voice dropped.

“I should have been happy but I was miserable. I realized that you meant more to me and I told him I couldn’t take the job,” Landon said and Ben groaned.

“I would never have forgiven you,” he said and Landon rolled his eyes.

“You would have. I would have found something else and I would have been happier because I was with you,” he said. “But Argus offered me a better job and now I get to come home,” Landon said and Ben laughed.

“Come home. I love you,” he said and Landon shut his eyes as happiness and relief swelled within him.

“I love you too. I’ll be back in a few days, I have to wrap up a few things here first,” he said and Ben sighed happily.

“That’s the best news I’ve heard in months,” he said and Landon nodded in agreement. “Oh, shit,” Ben mumbled and Landon’s brows pulled together.

“What?” He asked and Ben groaned.

“We can’t live here. All of your stuff isn’t going to fit into my place,” he declared and Landon bit his lip to keep from laughing.

“Are you suggesting we should live together?” He asked and Ben snorted.

“There’s no point in us having separate places. I haven’t gotten used to sleeping without you and I don’t intend to,” Ben announced and Landon hummed happily.

“Good. I don’t want to sleep alone anymore either and that ice bucket wasn’t cutting it,” he agreed.

“So, you still have the number for that real estate agent?” Ben asked and Landon rolled his eyes.

“I forgot how funny you are,” he mumbled and Ben laughed.

“Fine. I guess we’ll use someone else,” Ben said and Landon sighed as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“Let’s get a house,” he said. “Something we can grow into,” Landon added and Ben was silent for several moments.

“What do you mean by ‘
grow into’
?” He asked and Landon pulled in his lips as he considered. He wasn’t totally sure. Before his interview with Argus, Landon had never given their future much thought.

“I don’t know. Obviously, we’ll need room for my growing collection of gnomes,” he teased and Ben snorted. “Maybe we could get a yard so we could have a dog or two and host barbecues. Or, maybe we’ll want to have kids,” Landon said carefully and there was a soft gasp.

“Do you want kids?” Ben asked and Landon shrugged.

“I think so. I’ve never thought about having kids of my own. I love Molly and I’ve begged Lindsey to have more. I love kids but I’ve never been with anyone that I could see myself having a family with,” Landon said.

“And you think you’ll want to have a family with me?” Ben asked and Landon didn’t really have to think about it.

“Yeah. I want to have a family with you,” he said and Ben exhaled loudly.

“I love you so much. I need you to come home,” he rasped and Landon ached to hold him.

“I love you too. Is that a yes on the house and the family?” He asked and Ben chuckled.

“Ask me when you get here,” he said and Landon groaned.

“I’ll try to remember. I have a feeling I’m going to have other things on my mind,” he warned and Ben growled softly.

“Why don’t you take your clothes off and we’ll FaceTime?” He suggested and Landon swung his legs over the side of the bed and was on his feet, shrugging out of his shirt and attacking the waist of his trousers.

“Ok. Get naked and call me back,” he said as his pants slid down his legs.