The One That Got Away (5 page)

“I’m sure you’re playing things down. Well, make sure you don’t get too drunk.”
She’d wanted to attend the reunion with me, but I knew that she wouldn’t have fit in. Also, I'd never have gotten near Heidi to talk, never mind manage what we’d done in the alley. Guilt washed over me once more.

“I’m really not. I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

“Okay, babe.”
She ended the call.

I sat on the bench for a few minutes, head in my hands, cursing myself. I knew, deep down, that I’d only turned up tonight on the off chance that something would happen between Heidi and myself. I hadn’t expected it, no matter how much I wanted it. Yes, I didn’t regret it in the respect that I had fantasised about her since I’d left London, but I regretted the fact I had pushed any thought about Mel from my mind. I'd always prided myself on being loyal.

While Sam had been the one to push me toward Heidi, I had followed her outside with one thing on my mind. I’d wanted to test the waters with a kiss, see what followed, and then play it by ear. What we’d done had far surpassed anything I could have conceived happening. I was conflicted, but one thing I knew for sure was that I already wanted to fuck Heidi again. The guilt reared its ugly head at that admission, but I fought against it. I’d deal with it in the morning.

Heidi:

Angela didn’t even bother feigning a look of shock when I re-joined her at our table with a fresh bottle of wine. I ignored the fact she’d been to get one already thanks to the long wait I’d subjected her to.

She leaned in and whispered in my ear under the pretence of pouring a drink. “Worth the wait?” 

I nodded my response. We spoke in low voices so no one around could hear us. I had no problem speaking to Angela about it, but didn’t want anyone else knowing, in particular anyone who was likely to repeat anything they overheard to Shane, or someone who knew him.

“I can say he fucked me thoroughly at last, and now I can get on with my life.” I took a sip of wine. What I wasn’t saying was that I didn’t think I’d ever forget exactly what that felt like. I would remember and savour the memory of every kiss, touch, and thrust for the rest of my life. It had been everything I’d expected from him, and more.

“Will you meet up again?”

Would we? It wasn’t an impossibility but was unlikely. I wanted to, of course. I’d be lying if I told anyone different, but I had to think about the kids. Then there was also the small problem of him not being single.

“I’m not planning on it, but never say never I guess.” I sounded heartless, even to my own ears. It was almost as if now that my curiosity had been satisfied, I wasn’t as caught up in Shane as I’d been at the beginning of the night. Or at least that was what I was telling myself. Yes, I was still attracted to him, but the questions I’d been left with when he’d dumped me, about us and sex, had pretty much been answered. Who knew how long this seeming disinterest would last.

“At least tell me the sex was good, even if you don’t plan on going back for more.” Angela’s face was deadly serious.

I knew what she wanted to hear and I was tempted to mess with her, tell her it was crap and I wished I’d never bothered, but I couldn’t. She would have known I was lying in an instant, so I went with honest.

“Pretty much mind-blowing.” In that moment I made eye contact across the room with Shane when he turned and winked at me. I hoped he wasn't making it more than obvious we had some kind of secret to share. I hadn’t seen him walk back in so didn’t know how long he’d been back. The thought of him being able to see me when I couldn’t return the favour, fed the attraction I was trying to play down. It surged through my body once more. Maybe I’d dismissed the idea of meeting up again too fast. An itch had been scratched, but I had a feeling it was going to be one of those itches that never quite went away. It was going to be the kind that was scratched at time and time again. This revelation both thrilled and scared me. “I’m surprised I can walk properly.”

Angela squealed, causing me to slap at her leg to shut her up.

“I want details when we get back to the flat,” Angela hissed into my ear when she spied Shane heading our way.

I hushed her then watched him walk across the busy room, bemused. A few other girls in the room watched him as he walked, too. He had a fluidity to his movements which was at odds with his well-defined body.

“Hi.” He sat down next to me whilst Angela turned her attention to the people at the next table. It was her way of giving us privacy but letting me know I wasn’t totally on my own, for which I was grateful.

“Hey.” Considering not half an hour before I’d had his cock in my mouth, I wasn’t sure what to say now. I didn’t often embarrass easily, but could feel a hint of heat to my face. Silence descended as neither of us spoke. It wasn’t uncomfortable, yet I didn’t want to be the first to break it. He came over to me after all.

“About earlier . . .” Shane began.

I knew what was coming. The big speech about how it shouldn’t have happened and that he was sorry,
yadda yadda yadda
. Well, I wasn’t sorry. I’d enjoyed every damn minute and had the scratches on my back to prove it. I knew he was in a relationship back home, but that wasn’t my problem. I was single and had nothing to lose.
God, I’m a bitch
. I decided to cut him off, give him a get out clause.

“Look, it shouldn’t have happened, but it did. I’m happy to ignore it and carry on like before if that’s what you want me to do. I promise you this, though, I won’t forget about or regret it.”

“That’s not what I was going to say. I wanted to say that what happened in that alley is something I have thought about on and off over the last fifteen years, Heidi.” He swallowed then stared at me, hard. “And it was far better than anything my imagination ever came up with.”

Speechless, I stared back at him. His dazzling green eyes bore into mine as I tried to think of a reply.

“All those years, I’d wondered what it would be like to be inside you. That question’s been answered, but has left me with others.”

“Oh?” My pathetic response was born out of having no clue what to say.

“Yeah . . . now I want to know what it’s like to make love to you.”

Visions of us rolling around in a huge bed covered in white sheets, squashy pillows, and a heavy, warm duvet rendered me mute.

“But, I know that won’t happen. Tonight was a total one-off, and that’s the way it’ll stay. Like you, I won’t forget it, and I won’t apologise for it happening, despite my situation back home.”

Although I understood what was being said, and why, I couldn’t help feeling a bit crushed knowing I’d never know what it would be like for us to take our time getting to know each other’s bodies, or learn how to really turn each other on. I loved raw sex, like in the alley, but my favourite was slow love-making. Licking, kissing, teasing, and featherlight touches were so much more of a turn on than anything else I had ever experienced. The thought of Shane doing all of those to me made me feel lightheaded and my heartbeat picked up its pace.

I felt bad for his partner back home, but he’d made the choice to follow me outside tonight. It was up to him to live with what happened when he returned home. Would I have liked for it to happen again? That would be an emphatic ‘yes’ considering Shane had given me two jelly-leg inducing orgasms, the likes of which I hadn’t experienced for a long time, but if I was honest with myself, I couldn’t let anything happen between us again. Not putting Shane in a precarious situation was me being kind.

Leaning over, I gave him a peck on the cheek before standing up to go join Angela, who had moved to another table full of very late newcomers whom I hadn’t had a chance to speak with.

Shane and I didn’t speak again for the rest of the evening.

:: ::

Shane:

The moment I re-joined the party, I saw Heidi. She stood with a small group of her old classmates, some of whom I recognised from playing football. Others were familiar from seeing them around school. Some of the faces hadn’t changed at all, others were unrecognisable, but all were male. Jealousy surged through my entire body at the realisation.

She’d always been ‘one of the lads’ at school, mucking about with them at break and in the common room. Seeing her now, looking the way she did, freshly fucked—even if they didn’t know it, I did—I could barely control the urge to join them and pull her away. Having tasted what we could have, I wanted more; I wanted her to myself. I had no right to think that way, let alone consider Heidi as mine and mine alone. I had cheated on Mel. Heidi knew it, and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had no trust in me because of it.

I joined my own friends with a fresh beer, not paying full attention to their conversation. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Heidi excuse herself from the group of lads and join Angela at a table. They were soon deep in conversation, and from the split-second glances I was receiving from Angela, I assumed they were talking about me.

“Well?” Sam appeared at my side, making me jump a little. “What happened?”

I turned, caught Heidi’s eye and winked at her which caused Sam to gasp.

“Oh, my God. You didn’t?” I could tell she wasn’t as scandalised as she made out to be.

“I feel like a shit. I mean . . .  Mel . . .” I trailed off, unsure what to say.

“Sod that. I mean, I know you’re still together and shit, but it’s clear that it’s not going anywhere, never was. You and Heidi on the other hand . . . you have a connection and as far as I’m concerned are made for each other. You were all those years ago, too, but you buggered that up.”

I glared at her.

“Don’t give me that look. You know you fucked that up back then. Now is the time to get it all sorted. Trust me, I’m rarely wrong.” She was a big believer in connections between people never breaking, that people were meant to be together. Her persistent meddling over the years had proven as much.

“Sam, we live miles apart. I doubt a long-distance relationship is going to be in the cards.”

“Other than Mel, what’s keeping you there?” she challenged.

I begrudgingly admitted there wasn’t much. The job I did could be done anywhere. “But I can’t just move up North. It’d freak Heidi out, plus she has her kids to consider.”

“I’m not saying that you do it the moment you get home, but it’s something to consider. Sort things out with Mel, which isn’t going to be pretty, then take it from there. I can’t see Heidi letting this stay a one-time thing.” Sam walked away to mingle with the thinning crowd, leaving me to my thoughts.

She was right, things with Mel were going to get messy, but ending things with her was a necessary evil. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I needed to be honest with her to ensure the hurt was minimal as possible. If I did nothing, we’d end up resenting each other for the rest of our lives which, in my eyes, would be worse.

Feeling a little better about things, even though my guilt still nibbled at me, I turned to watch Heidi for a moment while she spoke to Angela. I decided to join them. Angela grinned as I walked toward them. It was time to be honest with Heidi over how I felt about the evening’s events.

:: ::

Heidi walking away from me after we’d agreed that intimacy between us could never happen again felt a lot like a permanent goodbye. Making my way back to the party, I felt weird, off somehow. I joined up with a group of lads from the school football team, who were reminiscing about a dismal performance against our fiercest rivals. I laughed in all the right places, but my attention was elsewhere.

It had always been that way with me and my friends. Typical bunch of lads ripping the piss out of each other, sometimes to make ourselves look good in front of a girl. Mostly, it was because we could, simple as that. We may not have been in contact for a long time, but we soon slipped back into our old routines. I’d missed having good mates around who knew everything about me, who’d watched me change from a skinny, gawky kid to an ‘almost’ man who was only a bit less skinny and gawky.

I’d made new friends at uni, and once I’d settled down with Mel, but it wasn’t the same. These guys had seen me at my worst and never let me forget about it. My new friends only ever saw what Mel wanted us to project as a couple. I was never able to be me, even if out on a night with the lads. I’d left most of myself back in London, and that seemed to be the one place I was able to drop my guard completely.

“Yo, Shane. How long you back home?” one of the lads asked, drawing my attention away from the woman I couldn’t get out of my mind.

I remained with the footy team, laughing over stories of war wounds and one-upmanship for the rest of the evening. The next time I remembered to look around for Heidi, it was after two a.m. and she was nowhere to be seen. I said my farewells to those who were still lingering, making the most of the pub’s late license. Then I walked out into the cool air to hail a cab back to my parents’ house.

Once there, I lay in my old bed, looking at my childhood bedroom which hadn’t been decorated since I was about twelve. Football and boxing posters, and trophies adorned the walls. The bookcase shelves didn’t hold many books. I’d never been a big reader, so the books were mainly sport related. Most of the space on the shelves had been taken up by trophies I’d won at school, both sporting and science related. It had been all I’d ever thought about as a kid. “Sport crazy,” Dad used to call me, pride lacing his voice. I would have watched tiddlywinks if the sport channel had shown it live.

I closed my eyes to try and get some sleep, but all I could think about was Heidi and the mess I was going to have to face with Mel in the morning. I could still smell Heidi on my body and in my hair. I could still feel the sensation of having her legs wrapped round me. My senses were spiralling into overdrive and I could feel my heart beginning to race—a reaction I hadn’t had to Mel in a long time.