The Nothing (7 page)

I am 24 years old.
I am fat and living with my Mom. But if I persevere, then God will bless me with the most beautiful woman on Earth. If I give in, God will take his hand of blessing off of me and I will miss out on my future wife. I need to focus more on my Sunday school class. I just need to go every Sunday and make it a priority. I will earn this Lord!!!

Of course it didn’t help
that he took three medications for depression and anxiety. Either he would ejaculate to quick and too little, or his penis wouldn’t get hard at all and he would leak piss. This made James even more self conscious about sex which made it easier to use religion as an excuse. After a month of excuses and roadblocks, Lena decided she desired much more than James was willing to give. It proved too frustrating for her. Her thought was that he was intimidated by the idea of physical love, and the lack of experience at his age, made him feel inadequate. Lena broke up with him through email.

The struggle with loneliness was nightly.
James worked hard to believe that God had someone special waiting for him. Waiting until marriage to have sex was what made him feel proud. It was as if God had a special place for him above everyone else who didn’t have the strength to wait. There eventually came a two month period where James didn’t miss a single Sunday at church. It was an elevated level of hope that when he walked in the door, he would see his future wife, lock eyes and know they were meant for each other. James read articles on the subject of Christian love and even attended a seminar that preached that only Christian men are the true men of this world. He was motivated and meditated on the belief that his future wife was right around the corner. But it just didn’t happen.

There was one pretty girl that he thought might like him and even s
aid hi to him a few times. But then she started sitting next to a muscular guy each Sunday who spoke of how his clients received large returns on his investment. If one of the pretty girls didn’t talk to him or give him much attention, he figured that they were interested in the guy who was in shape, had a college degree, or had a lot of money. It was as if James was the only guy in the room who was working at Best Buy and was a freshman at the Houston Community College. It bothered James to hear the talk about alma maters and their alumni gatherings, bragging about college football scores, and other professional mumbo jumbo. James hated sports. And he hated jocks. In all actuality, if James had stuck it out and kept going, he would have found that there were several construction guys, waiters, waitresses, retail workers, and even a pizza man in the singles program. After two months of perfect attendance, not finding a wife, and feeling marginalized, James missed a Sunday. And never went back.

Fuck it, the woman God has for me probably isn’t at this church
; too many yuppies and jocks. Oh God! Please God tell me where to go. I can’t handle this much longer.

It wasn’t long before finding love onli
ne became an acceptable norm. Even though people would say that only losers look for dates on the internet, most everyone did it. After a number of years, finding a date on Eharmony.com, Match.com, and even craigslist had become more common than approaching a woman at a bar. Facebook and smartphone apps for singles eliminated the anxiety and fear of rejection. Plus it was easy to embellish personal facts and attributes just to get that first date. James had talked to a few, even went out on a few dates. However, a few of the “Christian” girls didn’t believe in waiting until marriage to have sex. They would say, “I’m somewhat religious but hey, it is a different world now!” Several would say that they wanted a Christian man because he would be honorable and not cheat. It would surprise him when they would tell him they didn’t want to wait until marriage but still loved Christ and were grateful that God loved them despite their shortcomings. As if it excused their promiscuity. Sometimes this talk excited him. But then he would struggle with whether to stay a virgin, or sleep with a girl who was Christian. It didn’t help that many of the women he talked to were evasive on personal details and weren’t attractive. What made many of the women James met online unattractive to him wasn’t their bodies or their face; it was that they smelled bad, had poor hygiene, or wore clothes that looked slept in.

Hey at least she is
Christian; Jesus washes away all sin right? Maybe he washed away all the man germs from the guys she had slept with. Maybe I should not be so strict.
But later in the evening, James would masturbate, get rid of his urge, and then go back to his stance on remaining a virgin.

Other issues came into play for James when it came to the few wo
men he met through the personal ads. A few wouldn’t return his phone calls due to James believing that after one date you should be boyfriend and girlfriend. And he would come on too strong if he liked them. While growing up, no one had ever discussed dating, women and relationships with him. James’s family assumed he never dated anyone and that no one would want him because of his weight, still living at home, and making minimum wage. One time, his brother’s new wife set him up on a date with a friend of hers. This girl told James that several family members thought he might be gay. She wouldn’t say who was doing the talking, but James knew who they were. Those family members assumed so because they believed he was too old to not have had any relationships.

Yet
James dreamed of finding someone all the time. He craved to be held, kissed and touched. Having a close emotional bond along with the physical joy that would come during marriage. He dreamed of a marriage where you couldn’t live without touching each other. Soon he decided that it was too difficult to wait for and it probably wasn’t going to happen. Thoughts of God also became less as time went on. James was reaching his breaking point.
Why can’t I be happy like everyone else? Why should I try to be so different? Why should I try to please God when all it does is make me miserable and lonely?

The catalyst was wh
en he was twenty-eight and his mother was in a car accident. She was in the hospital for three weeks because her skull had cracked open on the steering wheel. James had never been more scared or upset in his life. His brother and other family members would drop by the hospital for a few minutes here and there. But it was more like someone visiting a friend in the hospital and leaving without lending a helping hand. The entire burden was on James and would lead to him resenting his mother and the family that didn’t care about the sacrifices James was making. It was as if everyone assumed James would take care of everything and they could go out and party without worrying. Stress from taking care of taking care of his mother, the house, and neglecting his schoolwork broke something in him.

On the seventh night of her hospitalization, he had come home to check on the dogs and eat a snack.
Days and nights had been spent at the hospital leading him to eventually drop all of his college classes. James spread out on his bed for a few minutes relaxation and looked for a dating website he had read about. It was a hookup site for people only looking for sex. Match.com and E-harmony had already run their courses with James. There was also the Hook’em app that would work on his mother’s smart phone, which uses the GPS location of users hoping to hook up for sex at that moment. An urge to have sex hit him fiercely. Tonight, he was going to go for any girl that would bite. James had reached a turning point. This wasn’t about losing his virginity or achieving something. James wanted to be touched, fulfilled and to feel good for once. On this evening he believed that the emotional bond he had always wanted was further from his reach than he could handle. There were several ads on the Hook’em app that looked promising. James didn’t message the prettiest or even the ones that exhibited confidence. He was still easily intimidated. Instead he wrote women that were somewhat attractive or not at all. Hoping they might have the same esteem level as himself. He avoided the ones seeking for long-term relationships or marriage. James was ready to get laid.

In the end, all the endeavors James embarked on with the sex dating websites proved fruitless.
Most of the women turned out to be prostitutes or scams tricking you into sending money. There were a few that were legitimate women looking to have sex with no strings attached. But James was no match for the competition. With a female to Male ratio of one to ten, he would lose out to suave rich guys or ones who had muscles and six pack abs. And many were fake or doctored pictures. Until the day when the internet died, he was still trying.

***

James sat waiting for Dr. Cando on her stairwell, thinking of the casual sex ads he had written and replied to over the years. Many times he was ready and willing for a woman to come over when he had the house to himself. With more time alone than he preferred, he had developed a type of self-centered egotism. The frequent isolation, socially and physically, gave him a feeling of being different. James had grown to believe he had something in him that others didn’t; a type of superiority. Though his self-perception could be considered borderline delusional at times, it was generally harmless. It didn’t help that he watched too many movies. After sitting on the stairwell for a while, James had managed to quit sweating, but his cloths were still soaked.
Maybe she and I can take a shower together before we begin. Hmm, maybe she will let me pee on her.

A pretty Hispanic woman who was probably in her late forties or early fifties walked by the stairwell.
Women considerably older than James sometimes took a liking to him. Like Lena, some have had their fill of the abusive and irresponsible types and saw in James a sensitive man that would not hurt them.
She must be returning from work. I bet she lives alone and could use a nice man to show her a good time.
As she walked closer to the stairwell, James decided to say hello despite the usual tight nervousness in his chest when he wanted to proposition a woman. The current prospects of time with Dr. Cando gave him a boost of confidence. The idea of becoming a real man for the first time gave James a psychological euphoria. A sense of invisibility and no thought of consequences or the ‘What if’s
.’

What if she has a boyfriend?
What if she thinks I’m ugly? What if what? Fuck that, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I am going to talk to this bitch. If she bites then it’s a free fuck. If not, she can go fuck herself and I am only out $300.
James called out to the woman, “Hey there pretty woman, how are you this muggy day?”

The woman almost jumped because he caught her by surprise.
“Oh I didn’t even see you there. Hi how are you?” James’ tone grew more suave.

“Little lady you look like you could use some com
pany. My friend hasn’t arrived yet and will probably be out all evening. Want me to come with you to your place, have a drink maybe?” The woman smiled giddily and glanced around as if embarrassed, thought slightly delighted. Her cheeks became flush. James tried to think of himself as an experienced lover that could satisfy a woman better than any other man could. Plus he felt that he had studied enough pornography and could make a woman go wild. If given the chance.

“No tha
t is ok, I really don’t know you. Going out for coffee would be ok, you seem nice.” Not exactly the reply James was looking for, but the opening was still there. “Coffee sounds great, I can even buy dinner anywhere you want, no matter how fancy. Then if you feel like it, we can have a few drinks together at your place. My name is James by the way.” The pause after that was almost alarming for James. In those few silent seconds, this woman could say no and bolt, or would say yes and make it a great evening.

“Yeah I g
uess so. But you are probably young enough to be my son! But very handsome! My name is Martha. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t feel like going out and you look like you have worked hard today. We can go ahead and go to my place. It’s ok, and I can………..”

T
he door to apartment 3252 suddenly swung open. A business looking man with a chubby body, fancy goatee, and well groomed hair stepped out and said, “Your turn big guy, be careful she bites!” From inside the apartment Dr. Cando yelled, “Come on in James and sit down, your hour starts now.” James turned back towards Martha, who rolled her eyes, turned around and walked away. It didn’t take long to register what had just happened. Many emotions filled him during the moments when he hesitantly stood up and walked into the apartment.

Who knows, that could have been a chance at love.
I would have fucked that woman real good and maybe we would have fallen in love. She was older but pretty. Maybe we could have waited to have sex? Maybe it would be nice to have someone love me for me? Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Should my first time be with a hooker? Well, too late now. I don’t really care anymore. As long as she satisfies me I am ok. I need to be touched. I really don’t feel that good about paying for something like this, especially 300 dollars. Most people don’t have to pay someone to fall in love with them. I could have gotten it for free if Rico Suave hadn’t bolted out the door at the wrong moment. Maybe Martha was the one? I could still wait until marriage. Maybe I should give God another chance?

Dr. Cando sat next to James
on a couch, which was covered by a sticky plastic sheet. “Ok here is the deal….” James was quick to interrupt, “My name is James.”
Damn, what is wrong with me. Let it happen naturally you fool!
“Right, ok. Here is how it goes. Since you are a referral you don’t have to do the routine of putting the money in an envelope on the counter and me walking away while you get naked. You can go ahead and hand the cash to me.” James’ hands trembled as he took out his wallet, counted $300, then handed the money to Dr. Cando. “Got some sweaty hands there chief. What kind of party do you want? And remember you can only pop once.”