The Natural History of Us (7 page)

Cheating asshat or not, Justin Carter isn't a completely horrible human being.

He deserves to know that.

We watch each other for the space of two heartbeats until Lauren lifts her voice above the chaos, as if she can sense my weakening resolve. “Baseball players make the best kissers.”

I almost roll my eyes. For one, I'm almost certain she just spotted Gabi and said that to annoy her, and for two, there are no words for how dumb that categorical statement is. But I'm grateful for the not-so-subtle reminder. Pressing my shoulders into the soft cushion of the bench, I grab another chip.

“Too bad Stasi didn't pair you with your girlfriend,” I say, shooting for levity. I fail miserably since my voice wobbles, but I laugh anyway, even as pressure mounts behind my eyes. I'm nothing if not stubborn. “I'm sure her list would've been much more fun.”

“I love
your
list.” Justin's voice is gruff and he reaches over, this time boldly and without hesitation taking my hand. I'm too shocked by the contact to pull it back.

“And Lauren's
not
my girlfriend.” He stares into me again, never blinking as he says it, and after a slight pause to let that sink in he adds, “She was
never
my girlfriend, and we haven't hooked up all year.”

His grip is warm and firm, and panic sets in. I'm not sure what Justin's trying to prove here or what he hopes to gain, but he's messing with my head. The skip down memory lane. The way he keeps looking at me like he can truly see me, all the way down to the marrow. It's as if he's forgotten all the pain and fear and confusion.

Or worse, that he was never into me at all.

“Whatever labels you two want to slap on it,” I say, tugging on my hand. Justin tightens his hold, and I narrow my eyes. “I'm sorry it didn't work out.”

Honestly? Girlfriend, casual hookup, whatever term they use, it still hurts. Actually, it hurts worse to think that he ditched me for a simple fling.

Justin grunts. “I wasn't gonna do this now.” His free hand rakes through his hair and fists the ends in a tight grip. “I planned to wait a few days at least but I can't. Sunshine, you've got to know that there was more to what happened that day. I'm not making excuses, I know I screwed up, but you don't know the full truth.”

“
First
,” I say, finally yanking my hand from his grasp. “Don't call me Sunshine. Second, as crazy as this may be, I'm
great with not knowing the sordid details. Fantastic, even. Believe me, I've imagined every possibility anyway.”

“No, that's not what I meant—”

“The details don't even matter,” I continue, hearing how my voice borders on hysteria. Licking my lips, I glance around the room and lower my voice to a more discreet level. “The past is in the past. I'm with someone else now, and you're… doing whatever it is you do.”

“But I'm not doing anything—” He stops abruptly. “Wait. You have a boyfriend?”

He looks gobsmacked, which is kind of like the icing on the craptastic experience that is this night.
Shocking, other guys find me attractive
! If my self-esteem hadn't been running on empty already, this night would've sent the needle straight to E.

Then Justin nods, his lips twitching into a smirk, and I know he's figured it out. “So, Cade finally grew a pair, huh?”

Gilbert
Blythe was a bona fide literary babe. No matter how many times I re-read
Anne of Green Gables
, I always got sucked in, turning each page a bit slower than the last, wanting to prolong the journey. Wishing with everything in me that I were as daring and confident as fellow redhead Anne Shirley, and that a boy like Gilbert would fall head over boots for
me
.

I'd even let him call me Carrots… or Sunshine.

Smiling at my book, I began another chapter, wondering what Anne would do with a boy like Justin Carter.
Not
that Justin was my Gilbert. Two weeks into the semester and I'd already gotten an earful about his exploits with girls—a certain Diamond Doll in particular—and knew that he was way out of my league.

That didn't stop my Gilbert-like crush on him, though. Overinflated ego and all.

As far as the Diamond Dolls went, according to my highly impressive investigative efforts (eavesdropping on hallway conversations and asking my dad), they were a group of girls
who pretty much worshipped the baseball team. Some of them were cheerleaders, others were on the dance team, and the rest were just regular students. It was like a weird, non-school-sanctioned version of the Pink Ladies. They wore cute outfits on game day, decorated players' lockers, brought the guys snacks, and sat in a large group at the games, holding up glittery signs and cheering.

Or, according to Dad, “Distracting our boys.”

Clearly, he wasn't a fan, and after witnessing a week of their shenanigans, neither was I. The day after the team
officially
welcomed Justin, Lauren Hays
unofficially
assigned herself as his Doll… and all but peed a circle around him while she was at it. It wasn't that I'd fooled myself into believing I actually had a shot at dating the boy. Justin was a notorious flirt, and I blushed scarlet just thinking of a comeback. But the loss of possibility was a bit disheartening.

“There's my Sunshine.” At the familiar voice whispered against my ear, I jumped, book to heart, and spun around guiltily as if he'd heard my thoughts. From the devilish grin Justin wore, I wasn't certain that he hadn't. “Whatcha doing, pretty girl? In case you didn't get the memo, school ended two hours ago.”

“Oh, is that what the bell meant?” My voice was full of snark, but inwardly I was doing a happy dance. This was the first time we'd spoken since team tryouts and I was secretly thrilled that he remembered me.

Justin was dressed in normal clothes, jeans and a T-shirt, and his hair was wet, fresh from the shower after practice. If I leaned in, I bet I could smell the clean scent of his soap.

“Mom's car is in the shop,” I explained, squeezing my book tighter against me. “And Dad is in meetings for another hour, so I'm just hanging out.”

His gaze lowered to my hand. “Ah, well, as exciting as reading alone on the school steps can be, what do you say I take you home?”

The idea of being in a car alone with the object of my recent obsession was almost too awesome to comprehend. Then I realized it
was
too awesome. Justin was in my grade, which meant that unless he'd failed at some point, he was fourteen or fifteen at the most.

“You drive?”

“No, but Rosalyn does.” He jerked his thumb toward a green Expedition idling near the curb, and my Gilbert-like hopes deflated like a sad, old balloon. Le sigh.

“That's all right,” I said, honestly having zero interest in riding backseat to him and one of his many female admirers. “Thanks for the offer, but I'm sure y'all would rather be alone anyway.”

Justin cocked his head and squinted at me as if I were a science experiment. A look I'd unfortunately grown used to getting from my classmates. Who knew it was weird or uncool to answer questions in class? Or to ask them when you were confused. Wasn't that supposed to be the point of learning?

“Rosalyn is my housekeeper, Peyton.” He made a squicked out face that resembled a pained fish. “I'm sure she's capable of some sweet, sweet loving, but she's forty. And like my mother. Seriously, that's revolting.”

Oh
.

My cheeks warmed yet again, a common occurrence around this guy. On the upside, as long as he was around, I'd never have need for blush.

Laughing, Justin bent to pick up my bag and then lifted his chin toward the car. He started walking toward it and, like a brainless dope, I followed.

“You know, you're not as innocent as you look,” he said over his shoulder. “I'm starting to worry about my virtue here.
I won't have you corrupting me, Sunshine.” He shot me a wicked grin and I laughed.

Me, corrupt the infamous player Justin Carter? Riiight
.

Amused at the thought, and giddy at his use of my nickname, I hip-checked him and said, “Yeah well, I promise to be gentle.”

My next step faltered.

Had that just come from me? Out of
my
mouth? I swear, the words fell out of their own accord. I'd opened my mouth to say
not likely
and out popped that… innuendo. How or why or what that was even supposed to mean, I had no earthly clue, so I simply stood there, frozen in place, my jaw shocked unhinged.

Was I flirting?

Justin stopped, too, and turned his body to face me. “That was, hands down, the sexiest thing I've ever heard.”

Yep, I was flirting
.

“Yeah, I seriously doubt that,” I replied, rolling my eyes. I breathed a sigh, feigning like I wasn't flustered, and trapped my bottom lip between my teeth—but nothing could hide my gigantic smile. Or stop it from breaking free. So I tromped past him, grinning like a dope, my previously inner happy dance transforming into a full-on Thanksgiving Day Rockettes number, complete with jazz hands.

Feeling brave, I spun around and said, “Just don't get used to it, Carter.”

Justin chuckled as he began walking again and the sound melted my insides into warm, sticky syrup. At the curb, he ducked his head through the passenger window to speak with the driver.

My hands were clammy so I rubbed them down the sides of my uniform skirt, hoping I hadn't gotten my hopes up for nothing. It was only a ride. Yet, somehow, it felt like more. When Justin turned and waved me over, I withheld my
shoulder shimmy and typed a quick text to my parents. Then

I hopped inside.

“Thanks so much for the ride,” I said, headed to the third row bench Justin pointed to and scooting all the way over. He followed behind me and closed the door. “I really appreciate it.”

“It's no problem at all.” The driver turned around in her seat, a wide smile on her face. Her voice held a slight accent and her cropped brown hair was shot through with silver. “I'm just glad Justin saw you before it got dark. It's too cold to be sitting outside.”

The concern was sweet, but honestly, the weather didn't bother me. If I'd wanted, I could've waited in the athletic department while Dad had his staff meeting. It's just that I'd spent far too many days locked inside as it was. I preferred being outdoors, feeling the sun on my face, even with the cooler air.

Explaining that didn't exactly make for sexy banter, however, and people tended to get weird when they learned about my illness. I wanted Justin to think I was fun and hot. Not a pity case.

After Rosalyn entered my address into the GPS, she adjusted the radio so that the music was blaring up front. Thus giving us in the back a semblance of privacy (eep!). We pulled away from the school and as the sign for Fairfield Academy whipped past my window, I couldn't help but smile.

I was doing it!

It was hard to explain to my parents exactly
why
I needed to come here. Sure, the Vet program was a plus, but that elective wasn't even available until senior year. And the school had dual-credit options for homeschoolers, too. The real reason was more… indescribable. A feeling deep down that my recovery depended on me being here. It sounded strange even to me, so it wasn't something I could ever tell them. But, after
everything I'd been through, I needed a drastic shift to mark the end of that chapter. Something big to start a fresh one, to experience new things. Begin living out loud.

Sitting in the backseat with Justin Carter? That counted as living.

BIG time.

“You realize you're smiling every time I see you, right?”

I curled my lips around my teeth and tore my gaze away from the passing trees. Justin's mouth kicked up in his own lopsided grin.