The Mormon and the Dom (28 page)

“You were nice that night he got us dinner.”

“I finally realized how lucky you were. Some people hope for love and never find it, so they settle. They pair off like slightly mismatched socks. No one would really know from a quick glance that the pair didn’t really match. From a distance, everything looks fine. But the first time there’s a problem, one of they usually runs.”

“Not Ronan.”

“Not Ronan.” Noah’s mother met his gaze with a frankness he’d never seen before. “If you let a man like that slip through your fingers, I think you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Ronan pulled on his socks, jeans, shoes, and a clean T-shirt. He slipped his wallet in his pocket along with his cell. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. How many more times could he go back to the hospital without losing faith? Ten? Twenty? He couldn’t keep going back forever. Eventually, Noah would be released. Ronan wasn’t going to stalk him at his parents’ house. That thought prompted him to consider if he was pestering Noah now. He realized there was a fine line between not giving up on someone and stalking him. If Ronan kept going without getting permission to see Noah, someone was going to turn him in to the police. If not Noah, then one of the nurses. Right now he had their sympathy, but eventually that would turn to annoyance.

For a moment, Ronan considered taking everything out of his pockets. Maybe today was the day to stop going. Letting go seemed almost impossible, but if that was what Noah wanted, perhaps he should respect his wishes.

“I just want to know what happened.”

It was the fact he had no closure in the matter that ate at him. Everything had been fine, and then it wasn’t. Ronan had ruminated over the dinner with Noah’s folks a dozen times. He thought things had been great. The only thing he could even think went wrong was when he hadn’t kissed Noah. But how could that simple thing cause Noah to reject him completely? Ronan didn’t believe that was the case. Something happened to Noah. Something went wrong with his treatment. Perhaps he lost his eye and thought Ronan wouldn’t want him. Ronan thought he’d put those fears to rest when he’d told him physical appearance wasn’t the reason he was with him.

“Maybe he really thinks I’m that shallow.”

Ronan looked at himself in the mirror again. He loved Noah. It wasn’t about his looks at all. Yes, Noah was cute and almost boyishly handsome, but that wasn’t what pulled Ronan closer to him. It was Noah’s character, his strength, his bravery in taking control of his life. He was young enough that taking charge of things now meant he had plenty of time to carve out the kind of life he really wanted.

“Maybe that’s it. He
is
making the life he wants, and that doesn’t include me.”

Ronan thought his heart would break it hurt so badly. For the first time in his life, he was unsure what to do. Normally, he sat himself down in his Zen garden so he could contemplate his choices, but that wasn’t working for him at all. Love was something he’d never given. Not romantic love. Not like this. He didn’t withhold his love. He’d just never met a man he genuinely cared about enough to give such a profound gift.

Noah was the first.

Noah was the only.

Ronan had believed Noah felt the same way. He’d said the words, but that didn’t mean he really felt them. But Ronan couldn’t let go of the fact he
felt
Noah’s love. Saying it was easy, but showing it was difficult to fake.

After thinking the situation over again, Ronan grabbed a light jacket and headed out the door. He knew he was going to go to the hospital before he even asked himself the question. He had to try again. Eventually, he would have to let go, but that day was not today.

The drive into Provo was uneventful, and he parked in his usual spot. After so many visits, Ronan had the place wired. He knew when the shifts changed and when visiting hours were. That information gave him the lowdown on when the best parking places were likely to be free. Once he had his bike situated, he tucked his helmet and the jacket in the trunk. The ICU was kept fairly warm.

Each step he took closer to the unit made him reconsider the wisdom of what he was doing. Was today the day they told him to stop or else? He didn’t like the idea of leaving his decision up to someone else. Ronan decided he’d have to trust his gut on making that call. When he approached the nurse on duty, she smiled at him, and it wasn’t one of those
you poor, poor bastard
smiles. This was a grin of genuine joy.

“I’m here to see Noah Cameron.”

“Your name?” She lifted up the clipboard but didn’t look at it.

“Ronan Porter.”

There was a timeless moment where he thought she was going to laugh hysterically and mock him for his dedication, but she nodded. “He’s right in there.” She pointed toward Noah’s room.

Ronan hesitated. Here he was, getting what he wanted, but he was suddenly suspicious.

“He changed the list yesterday after his parents left.”

Cautiously optimistic, Ronan took a huge step toward Noah’s room, then slowed. What if he was only letting him in so he could tell him to stop coming? Realizing that pondering the situation was never going to give him the answers he wanted, Ronan sucked up his fear and strode into Noah’s room.

As soon as he saw him, his heart tried to explode out of his chest in joy. Noah’s bandages were reduced to a very pirate-like eye patch. A tuft of gauze stuck out around the edges, but it was a vast improvement over the way gauze had swaddled half his head. His exposed eye was bright and tracked Ronan’s progress across the room.

Noah wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning. His expression was surprisingly neutral and didn’t give Ronan any indication about what was coming.

After pulling up a chair, Ronan settled in and discovered he had nothing to say. His mind went so utterly blank he didn’t even recall his own name in that moment.

“Hi,” Noah said.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

“I am, too.” Ronan reached out for Noah’s hand. When Noah didn’t flinch away, Ronan took that as a good sign. “Tell me what happened.”

“I was afraid.”

“Of me?”

“Of being a burden to you.”

“Why in the world would you ever think that?” Ronan had expected Noah to say just about anything other than that.

“That night, after we had dinner with my folks, I had a seizure.”

Ronan tightened his grip on Noah’s hand. Even though he was sitting right in front of him, Ronan was suddenly terrified for Noah. What did a seizure mean to his recovery? He knew that as soon as he could, he would be devouring information on the Internet.

“It was bad. They still don’t know what’s causing them, exactly. It could just be from the trauma and it will clear up on its own, but it also might be a permanent condition.”

“You mean to say you might have accident-induced epilepsy?” Ronan had heard of that only because he knew so many motorcycle riders.

Noah tilted his head and asked, “How did you know?”

“Sometimes when motorcycle riders survive an accident, they have seizures. It’s not common, but it’s happened enough that the riders who come to my shop talk about it.”

“And they still ride?”

“If they have medical clearance.”

“Naddleback says I have to be seizure-free for at least three months before she’ll even consider giving me a medical wavier.”

“How many seizures have you had?”

“Three. They were all really bad. They gave me some medication, and it seems to be working.”

“Is that why you wouldn’t let me come in? Did you think I would be scared if I saw you have a seizure?”

“Scared? No. I thought it would disgust you.”

“What?” Ronan was so stunned he let go of Noah’s hand.

“I peed the bed. And she said it can get worse than that. I was afraid of sticking you with a defective boyfriend.”

“Defective?” Ronan moved his chair closer and took up Noah’s hand again. “That doesn’t make you defective. You have an illness. I can’t believe you thought I would abandon you over something so trivial.”

“Trivial?”

“Not to minimize the seizures, but I meant trivial in regards to sharing your life. I don’t care about that. I mean I care, but that isn’t going to send me running away.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I thought you might stay with me out of pity or because you felt like you had to.”

“I would stay with you because I want to be with you.”

“Even if I piss and shit all over your bed?” Noah flung the question at him as if it were the most vile weapon he could summon.

“If you had a seizure that caused that to happen, I wouldn’t be angry. It wouldn’t be your fault.”

“After it happened a hundred times?”

“It could be a million. How shallow do you think I am?” Ronan shook his head. “Never mind. I don’t think my ability to love you is the real issue here. I think you’re afraid of being that vulnerable around me.”

Noah looked well and truly startled.

“I’m not the one who walked away. You pushed me away without giving me a chance.” Ronan understood now why Noah had done what he did. “More than anything, you hurt me.”

“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“By pushing me away when you needed me the most?”

“I didn’t think of it that way.”

“Right. You only thought of it in terms of yourself.”

“I—I’m sorry.”

“And that makes it all better?” Ronan realized he was angry. Not a little, not a medium amount, but really super pissed. “I came every day to find out why you’d changed your mind. I thought you loved me.”

“I do.”

“No. You don’t. Because if you did, you’d never have treated me like that.” Ronan stood. As he did, he let go of Noah’s hand. Releasing him hurt more than he could have imagined, but he was hurting from Noah’s rejection and needed space.

“Please don’t go.”

“How do I know that you won’t change your mind again? What if something else happens, Noah? What if—God forbid—there’s another accident and you lose your arm. Or, scratch that. What if I get sick? Do you think I should push you away in some misguided effort to protect you from me being a burden to you?”

Noah didn’t answer. He just sat there looking devastated. A part of Ronan wanted him to stew in that feeling. It was exactly how he’d felt for the last two weeks. It was painful and ugly and filled with a million self-recriminations. All of them unnecessary.

“You rejected me to supposedly protect me, but what you were really doing was protecting yourself.”

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You should have told me what was going on and what you were afraid of.”

“I—”

“You owed me the common courtesy of giving me a chance to decide what I wanted to do. Instead, you made the decision for both of us. How do I know you won’t do that again?”

“You don’t.” A lone tear slid down Noah’s face. “I should have told you. I see that now.”

“This”—Ronan pointed to himself and then Noah—“doesn’t work without honesty. Or at least it doesn’t for me. I love you, Noah. The key word there is
love
. That means I accept you as you are. I accept the fact that you’ll change as time goes on. I’ll love you no matter what. It’s not conditional.”

Noah wiped the tears from his eye with the back of his hand.

“You’ve probably been to a lot of weddings, right?” When Noah nodded, Ronan went on. “You know that line about taking your partner for better or worse?”

Noah nodded.

“That means something to me. And not just as something to say during a marriage ceremony. It means commitment. I thought that was where this was going.”

“I want that.”

“Do you? Do you really?” Ronan realized he needed to let go of his hurt. He was so upset he was shaking. All he was doing was trying to inflict the pain he felt back onto Noah, when that wasn’t productive at all.

“What can I do to make this better?” Noah voice was soft and almost scared, making Ronan pull back even further on his own pain.

“Never cut me out again.” Ronan settled back in his seat. When he did, Noah breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m angry right now and so hurt.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll get over it. But we need to establish deeper trust. If you really knew me, you never would have thought I’d walk away just because something changed with your health.”

“I think I took the chance to jump.”

“What does that mean?”

“I made all these changes in my life, and I felt I was really going places but then the assault happened. Everything changed. I had just figured out what I wanted, and they took it away. I was afraid…”

Ronan waited for Noah to finish his thought.

“I was afraid the assault was punishment for what I’d done.”

“You mean coming out?”

“Coming out, quitting my job, all of it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought it was crazy. And I was letting go of those thoughts. But then the seizure happened, and I realized everything changed that day, too. It started to feel as if every time I made peace with myself or my life, something came along and messed it up. Keith and his friends took so much away from me that I decided I didn’t deserve anything. Especially not you.”

“Noah.”

“I know. I know. The events aren’t connected. Intellectually, I get that. But just like my fear of people being able to look at me and know what I’m thinking, this was just as ridiculous a thought, but no less compelling.”

Ronan held Noah’s hand and traced patterns on the back with his other hand. He wished Noah would have told him so he could have helped him realize what was going on. “In the future, you need to tell me. Okay? It’s really that simple. I can’t guess. I can’t magically know. If you have a thought and you aren’t sure if it’s valid, then tell me you need a reality check, and we’ll hash it out.”

“Okay.”

“I’m assuming the same is true for me.”

Startled, Noah blurted, “When are you ever unsure?”

“Are you kidding? I have insecurities, too. Everyone does.” When Noah looked dubious, Ronan leaned closer and emphatically said, “Everyone.”