The Mormon and the Dom (27 page)

“Aren’t there tests?”

“There are a few, but nothing that can really say unequivocally that you have epilepsy. It’s more a diagnosis we arrive at by process of elimination.”

“So it’s not brain damage?” his mother asked.

“I’ll order new head CTs, but there wasn’t any damage when they were done prior to surgery to repair his orbital bone.”

Naddleback brought in other doctors to look at the scans and to offer advice. Noah just sat and did his best to keep up. Most of the medical talk went right over his head. He barely understood the difference between a CT and an X-ray, but in the end, the only thing that mattered was he had another seizure. And another. And another. Eventually, they put him on an antiseizure medication just to stop him from hurting himself. Instead of moving him to a semiprivate room, he was staying right in the ICU until they discovered what was wrong or he stopped seizing.

“They could just stop all of a sudden?”

“They could,” Naddleback said. “Some patients have one and then never have another. I’ve had patients who don’t have one until years after the head injury. We don’t know what causes it other than the obvious trauma the body has undergone.”

“I’m not getting my license back, am I?”

She frowned, prompting Noah to think he was silly for caring about something so minor at such a moment, but she didn’t mince words. “No.”

Noah had nodded and tried to be okay with the information. But he wasn’t. Having a car was freedom. When he slumped down in his bed and thought about his life with random and totally unpredictable seizures, he began to see all the things he couldn’t do. He couldn’t drive, so he would have to depend on others to get around. If he couldn’t drive, there was no way in hell he’d be able to fly a plane, so his dreams of going into aviation were over before they ever got started. Without the ability to drive, his day-to-day life took a sudden and very limiting turn.

“I won’t even be able to ride on the back of Ronan’s bike safely.”

That thought saddened him more than the others, but what prompted him to take Ronan off his visitor list was the idea of Ronan having to change his clothing and sheets after Noah pissed himself. Hot shame washed over him, making him feel exposed and embarrassed. If just the thought of that situation could make him so upset, there was no way he was ever going to experience such a scenario in real life.

Despite being turned away, Ronan came again the next day.

Noah still wouldn’t grant him entrance.

“I’m going to come every day until he sees me. You tell him that. I’m not giving up. I don’t care how long I have to do this. I will see him, and he will tell me to my face why he’s pushing me away when I love him.”

The nurse came in and reported what Ronan had said. Hearing it a second time only made Noah feel worse than he already did. He was a coward, and he knew it. He should tell Ronan to his face what was going on, but every time Noah tried to picture that moment, he saw himself having a seizure. Ronan would want to stay with him because he would feel sorry for him. After a few months of having to care for him, Noah thought Ronan would grow resentful and probably start to hate him. For some reason, he kept seeing himself in Ronan’s bed. They were trying to have sex, but Noah kept having seizures, so eventually, Ronan gave up.

Rather than suffer the pain and awkwardness of a long-drawn-out relationship demise, Noah opted to cut things off before they ever got deeper. Ronan was angry and clearly hurt, if the tone of his voice was any indication, but he would be less hurt now than he would be later on. However, if Noah were being very honest with himself, the truth was he couldn’t bear to see the love in Ronan’s eyes slowly turn to regret.

Noah thought Ronan would give up after a week of being turned away, but he didn’t. He came every day and asked to see Noah. When he was told no, he simply said he would be back the next day. A part of Noah thought the day he didn’t come was probably the day his heart would break. It was a terrible thing to lie in bed and wonder if today was the day Ronan gave up.

Noah had worried Ronan would simply hang around and ask his parents, but he hadn’t. After some consideration, Noah realized Ronan wasn’t about to involve them in their relationship issues. For some reason, that made Noah feel his behavior was childish while Ronan’s wasn’t. Clearly, between the two of them, Ronan was far more mature. But that insight didn’t get Noah to change his mind.

Instead of dwelling on Ronan, Noah looked forward to seeing his parents. For those few hours, he could forget about Ronan and think about the past. His mother kept up a constant chatter about what everyone in their ward was up to. Noah had always been fascinated with his mother’s ability to recall people’s names and their plans. He supposed her incredible memory was what made her such an excellent accountant.

“Gracie’s parents are going to Aruba.”

“Where’s that?”

“Aruba is in the Caribbean.”

“Are they going on a mission?”

“Oh, no. Just a vacation. Gracie is going to be watching their house and caring for the kennel. She’s nervous, of course. It’s a lot of responsibly for a young woman, but Michael will be there to help.”

“Michael’s going to be staying at the house with her?”

“Of course not!” Noah’s mother clucked her tongue. “Marriage first. I know that’s becoming less frequent in this day and age, but there are still some virtuous youngsters.”

Noah wondered if his mother would still consider him among the virtuous since he hadn’t actually gone all the way.

“Not that I’m judging. I know things are different. But I guess, well, I’m old-fashioned.”

“Marriage before moving in.” Noah repeated the phrase by rote. It was said by a lot of parents in their ward. There was an order to things. Marriage, then children. Not the other way around, the way so many people seemed to be doing things these days.

“I honestly don’t understand how having a child is less of a commitment than getting married.”

Noah nodded. He’d never understood that either. If a marriage didn’t work out, the couple could get divorced. But you didn’t divorce a child. Although it seemed a lot of fathers managed to walk away from their children without a care. Noah couldn’t imagine walking away from someone who depended on him.

Fresh guilt washed over him. Ronan wasn’t his dependent, not by any stretch, but Noah owned him an explanation.

“Jonah, be a dear, and get us some of those burgers.”

“The ones that Ronan got for us?”

“Yes. I know it’s a walk, but I’m craving one. Is that okay for you, Noah?”

“That would be great.”

Barely had his father left the room when Noah’s mother grasped his hand, leaned near, and said, “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing.”

“You took Ronan off your visitor list.”

Noah didn’t say anything.

“I saw it today when the nurse set the clipboard down. What happened?”

“I just don’t want to see him anymore. That’s all.”

“Don’t lie to me, Noah. I always know when you’re fibbing. You look down and your cheeks get red.” His mother held his hand a little tighter. “When I saw his name was gone, I asked the nurse. She says he comes everyday despite the fact you won’t see him.”

“It’s none of your business, Mom. I don’t mean to be rude, but—”

“It
is
my business. You getting better is completely my business, because I’m your mother.”

“I am getting better.”

“That’s just it. The nurse said you’ve stopped walking the hallways as much. Ronan was really good at pushing you to try harder. Now that’s he’s gone, the nurse says no one can get you motivated.”

“If it’ll make you happy, I’ll do better.” Noah wasn’t ever going to tell anyone how Ronan had motivated him.

“I want to know what happened.”

“Shouldn’t you be glad? I dumped my boyfriend. I’ll go back to being a model son.”

His mother sat there staring at him as she gently shook her head. “That’s never what I wanted.”

“Yes it is. I’ll be just like everyone else.” Noah realized he was taking his frustration out on his mother, but he seemed unable to stop.

“Only you’ll carry around your misery and resentment until it comes out in ugly ways, just like it’s doing now.”

“I’m not being ugly.”

“You are. You’re being nasty to me for something you did. If this was a decision you’re proud of, why be so petulant?”

“I had to. I’m not going to make him take care of me.”

“Take care of you?”

“I can’t drive a car. When I have seizures, I—” Noah cut himself off from using that vulgar term but then changed his mind. If his mother wanted the truth, he was going to give it to her without censoring himself. “I piss myself. If my bowels are full, I can also shit myself. Do you think that’s a fair thing for Ronan to have to deal with? He wanted a boyfriend, not a patient.”

“Am I supposed to be shocked, Noah? You do know that you and your brothers spent years in diapers, right? Candy corn and flower petals did not fall out of you.”

“This is different.”

“You don’t think Ronan would love you anyway?”

“No. I don’t.” Noah crossed his arms defiantly, then wondered just who he was defying. Certainly not his mother. Maybe himself.

“That man loves you.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to be gay.”

“Noah, it’s not about that.” His mother moved a little closer. “When you told me, I was shocked. How could I not be? They say hate the sin and love the sinner, but you and I both know that’s not what happens.”

“No.” Noah had seen too many examples where the supposed sinner was shunned.

“When you told me, I was scared.”

“For the family business.”

“For you.” Odonna nodded. “Being a gay Mormon is a hard row to hoe. But when you told me, I also…I knew.”

“What?” Noah was stunned. “You knew I was gay?”

“I knew but didn’t want to admit that I knew.”

“How could you have known?” Noah hadn’t even really grasped the information himself until he was halfway through high school.

“Casey Marcum.”

“What about him?” Noah recalled telling Ronan about the one and only person he’d ever really wanted to date in high school. Noah had never told anyone but Ronan that tidbit.

“I remember we’d gone to homecoming with you and Henry. Michael was on his mission. We were watching the game, and you seemed to be fascinated by one of the players. He was very good, but he wasn’t that good. The way you looked at him sparked this…awareness in me. For a split second, I had this clarity of vision. You had a crush on that boy. At the end of the game, he pulled his helmet off, and the way you sighed told me everything.”

“How could you know I was looking at him?”

“Because you were tracking him when he wasn’t even near the ball. Remember when he was out of play on the bench? You hardly looked away.”

“Did Dad see?”

“No.” Odonna laughed. “Your father doesn’t notice things like that.”

“But you did.”

“I did. But I’m a woman. We see subtle things that most men miss.” She squeezed his hand. “I remember feeling so scared for you. That your immortal soul was in danger despite the fact the boy clearly didn’t return your interest. But then I thought maybe it was just a phase. You’d grow out of it.”

“I wish I had.”

“No. You don’t. What you said the last time you were at home is true. God made you this way. If I believe God doesn’t make mistakes, then I have to accept that he made you the way he wants you to be.”

Noah was so choked up with emotion he didn’t know what to say. He’d never thought of his mother as particularly deep, but he’d been underestimating her for his entire life. She’d known the truth for a long time but let him figure things out on his own.

“Why were you always pushing me to date girls if you knew?” Noah asked.

“I think I thought you’d either realize the truth or you’d forget about it and try girls.” She made a face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you. I should have talked to you, but I was afraid I was wrong, and by suggesting it, I would somehow…”

“Turn me gay?”

“Something like that. But now that it’s out, or you’re out, you need to embrace yourself.”

“I’m trying.”

“You’re running away from love so fast it’s like you’re trying to punish yourself.”

“I’m not. Ronan will get over me.”

“I saw Ronan’s dedication to you. I thought when he saw how injured you were and realized how long your recovery would be, he’d be out so fast he’d make a breeze.”

“No. Not Ronan.”

“Not at all. He loves you. Ronan doesn’t just say that he loves you. He shows it. I’ve never seen such a powerful man act with such tenderness. I’ve seen couples together, and I can always tell when it’s genuine.” Odonna met Noah’s eyes. “Ronan’s one of the most genuine people I’ve ever had the privilege to meet.”

“Really?”

“Honestly. He is. I thought—oh, I don’t know what I thought. Too many stereotypes on television, I suppose. I thought all gay men were loud and dramatic. I didn’t realize I was lumping them into a stereotype until I met Ronan.”

“So you like him?”

“I do. But what’s more important is I think you love him.”

“I—I don’t want to be a burden to him.”

“Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t see it that way?”

“He’ll stay just because he’ll feel guilty if he goes.”

“That’s hogwash, and you know it. If he was that kind of man, he wouldn’t have come every day just in the hopes of seeing you. He would have made a few perfunctory visits and then just stopped. Ronan hasn’t done that.”

Noah realized what he’d done to Ronan was nothing short of despicable.

“When he approached us in the waiting room when you were brought here, we were hostile to him. But you know what he did?”

“What?”

“He repaid our rudeness with kindness.”

“He did?”

“He did. I don’t know what religion that man is, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t say he’s a good Christian. He doesn’t have to. Whoever raised Ronan taught him right. He’s been nothing but respectful and kind to us when we haven’t been the same to him.” His mother had the grace to look chagrined by her own behavior.