The More You Ignore Me (4 page)

How sad his mother must have been when she beheld him in the nursery!

I don't doubt she considered heaving such a creature into a dumpster on her way home, or smothering him with her begowned belly whilst still in her hospital bed.

And if she had!

How we would have been so happily spared such trouble!
:

Hey ***hole,

**** you, you ****ing piece of diseased intestinal waste.

Fun time is over.

If you publish one more comment, send one more e-mail, leave one more voicemail, contact me, Nico, Charli, or anyone else in the family in any way again, I will ****ing kill you.

You are a sociopath.

Seek help.

If I see you on the street—ever—I will push your ****ing teeth in with the heel of my hand.

I will rip your nostrils out with my fingers and shove the little flaps of skin down your throat until you choke.

I will cut you from your ****** to your scalp with my **** and **** in your chest cavity, you *******.

**** you.

**** off.

Die.

—Chris

Oh my!

I am aghast even to cut and paste such filth into this post.

I vow to, as far as I am able, keep my comments free from the language implied by the asterisks, but you see I must give you a sense of what I'm up against.

You need to be shown the truth so you can see how troubled your own online endeavors—your
life's work
—might be at this very moment!

For if any of you are sheltering or employing a wretch like Chris, let's be clear: you are abetting criminal activities that will not go unpunished.

I mean, my nostrils!?

I believe, dear me, he would, too!

How was this person given any authority at all?

The mind reels.

I know I should go to the police with such a threat, and no doubt that is what you will advise me to do—or may even be doing yourself at this very moment—but please, hear me out.

The police?

I do not want the police.

Not yet.

It is possible to solve this without getting the State involved, though I am, of course, keeping all the correspondence from this sorrowful episode on file, just in case.

I have found records such as these useful in the past.

In fact, it is thanks to my record keeping that I was exonerated, officially cleared of any wrongdoing, in that infamous case years ago with
MFL
, which I may have occasion to revisit with you at some point in the future.

Rest assured that those points A and B got their come-uppance—and more!—once I was released from the hospital (C got his, of course, but I was not at fault).

In fact, there are a few choice details from that affair no one has yet turned up, and if the time is ever right and
you turn out to be the compassionate and trustworthy compatriots (or compatriotesses!) I assume you to be, then I daresay I will let you in on it.

My word!

I've gone off again!

I must be subconsciously trying to distance myself from those hateful and poisonous attacks sent to me before and quoted above (defecate in my chest cavity? That does NOT sound sanitary
).

But—Chris's words—there they are.

As frightful as they may be for you to look at, think of me!

I have to live with them!

A man is never a prophet in his own country.

I believe this is the saying.

But what of a man with no country?

Might he be recognized as a prophet simply because he has no local pharmacist, no chauffeur, no passel of gossiping ladies to destroy his reputation from inside out?

Sadly, in my case, it seems I am not to be recognized as a prophet anywhere but scorned forever everywhere, even after my detractors see the light and come to accept—embrace, even!—my ideas.

All continue to shun me as if no one had thrown the cold water of reality and reason on their fevered brains.

But not just reality and reason, passion and wit too!

The future!

As seems to be the case with my own (now estranged) family.

But what—in the parlance of the woeful “millennial” generation—are my “probs” with this marriage?

What does the world so desperately need to hear that I would take the risk tonight (and every night!) to defend my ideas so brazenly?

Why do I continue to offer my admittedly unsolicited advice and prognostications if I am, as they've stated so clearly, not a “part of the wedding?”

These questions sadden me, dear readers.

I have answered them repeatedly on
Charlico.com
/blog, but I understand many of you are occupied day and night with your own crusades, so you may not have followed my links and/or seen every subsequent argument to its conclusion, or, at the very least, given each thread the careful attention it deserves.

But fear not!

I have saved each exchange (with annotations and further commentary when necessary), and so I can offer you this peek into the veritable buffet of insight I have offered up to these callous nincompoops.

The following
Charlico.com
/blog comments come from late April, when the last snow had melted away and the first robin had begun its ruddy chirrup:

April 27, 2009 5:45PM

Emma_1: The menu looks
AMAZING
you guys!!! Make sure you take time out to
ENJOY
the
DAY
!!!!

April 27, 2009 6:07PM

linksys181: There will be no enjoyment.

Meals for this couple will be an ordeal.

April 27, 2009 6:21PM

Emma_1: Ha!

Funny!

Seriously tho I'm
SO
happy for
NICO
&
CHARLI
!!!!
XOXOXO

April 27, 2009 6:22PM

linksys181: Serious?

Quite.

Why will their meals be ordeals? Fact: When one becomes married, each and every desire becomes a subject for discussion.

Has this occurred to you, Emma_1?

No, surely it has not, or you would respond with a mite more intelligence. Thought: Is one hungry?

Is one
married
and hungry?

Yes? Then one knows that before one can answer even such a basic question of hunger or satiety one must consider whether or not it is the proper time for one's “partner” to eat, too. But what if one's “partner” is already eating with another “partner”?

Do you see?
Eating
?

Partners
?

Hmmm?

Must I make it even plainer for you?

The body is a complicated site of negotiation, and, I fear, at most, it takes two to tango.

Three's a crowd. Four's the semaphore.

April 27, 2009 6:27PM

Emma_1:
LOL
!!!

April 27, 2009 6:30PM

linksys181:
LOL
?

LOL
?!?

Oh no, my dear.

Not
LOL
.

Not at all. Do not betray your gender with these trifling giggles.

Consider this: Is one sleepy?

Would sleep be required at this time?

Once again, a simple question
UNLESS ONE IS ALSO UNWITTINGLY ENTERING INTO A MÉNAGE À TROIS
!

In that case, one may not be able to sleep if one's “partner” is, for example, humping along on top of your delicate body, spilling drool into your tear-filled eyes behind your true “partner”'s back!

April 27, 2009 6:31PM

linksys157: I concur!

Marvelous point!

April 27, 2009 6:32PM

linksys181: Thank you, friend, whoever you are. (The troops are rallying!)

But let's not place the blame entirely on the husband for being such an ineffectual ninny.

Think of his (heh) position: Would one like an unbearable desire quenched quickly?

Well, one must wait until one's “partner” also desires to be
quenched, or one must act in a manner unbecoming a gentleman, or one must throw off the entire cycle of hunger and satiety by quenching one's desire oneself with whatever means one has at hand.

April 27, 2009 6:34PM

linksys157: So true!

And if one happens to be “caught” in the act of “personal” quenching? Repeatedly? With whatever is “at hand” (here, we can admit an
LOL
, can we not?

YES
!
LOL
!).

Well, that personal quenching will be seen as neglecting the communal essence pot (or some such nonsense), and so one will thus be cast out of one's marriage bed.

And for what?

For lack of understanding on the part of the wife regarding what a self-obliterating undertaking marriage is for the husband. And for lack of understanding on the part of the husband that a “wife” is not for bedding in certain manners at all hours, even if she is not, as the case may be, carrying on with the “groom's closest relation” (Have we said too much?).One will emerge unrecognizable from such a marriage, if one emerges at all.

April 27, 2009 6:37PM

linksys181: We are truly coming to a consensus here.

I thank you, friend!

But why this pernicious silence from the rest of the Charlico community? Are the community members vexed as to why we reveal these facts to you rather than blithely applaud the
menu
and the
flower arrangements?
Simple: I believe Nico (and any other such bridegrooms) should know the truth of their potential “partnerships” if we are ever to have a truly egalitarian society (Yes, community, I am advocating for societal revolution. Does that scare you?

What of your precious “Obama,” your “Xbox”? You will not need, dears, Obamas or Xboxes in my society. Why?

What will you do with your time?

I will answer a question with a question: What is the first requirement of a revolutionary, according to Che Guevara?

No, not an Xbox.

It is love, my dears!

Love! And what kind of love?

Love of truth, surely! And don't we all believe we have within ourselves a capacity for love?

I know I have love to give! Who will dare to take it?

You?

Take the challenge, community!
TAKE IT
!)

April 27, 2009 6:37PM

linksys157: I will take it, friend!

I accept your love of truth, and I will match it with my own truth-love in time (How I love this blog! What a wonderful space in which we can truly, honestly
DISCUSS
!). What we have revealed is, of course, just one set of facts that should be known by a man (or woman!) when entering into a union. There are more sets. And so you see we are merely providing a service.