The Monsters in Your Neighborhood

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My thanks to Adam Wilson for always laughing at my jokes.

And to Michael for helping me come up with them.

1

If only the Blob hadn’t died, Natalie never would have been in this position.

Which sounded like a ridiculous statement if it was said out loud. And that was why she wouldn’t. Ever.

But ridiculous or not, it was true. Because Bob the Blob (yes, the giant hunk of a man that that term conjures up images of) had died six months ago, now Natalie Gray was in charge of the support group for monsters that met twice a week in the basement of the Holy Heart Church on East 125th Street in New York City.

She shook her head as she looked out over the small group of men and women before her.
Kind of
men and women.
Things
was more like it, though they masqueraded as human. They certainly were as annoying as any human. Case in point . . .

One of the women in the circle got to her feet and smiled nervously. “Hello, my name is Linda, and I’m a Swamp Dweller. It’s been fifty-seven years since my identity was last uncovered.” Her smile fell. “Unless you count that thing six months ago with that awful Van Helsing woman. Which I don’t.”

She collapsed back into her chair and folded her arms with a shiver like she’d been the only one to go through “that thing,” like she was the only one with problems in their group.

Natalie sighed. Since their group was attacked and several of their members were killed six months ago, she had grown closer to all the monsters . . . a
lot
closer with some of them. Now when she looked at them, she saw their strengths, their weaknesses, the moments that bound them all together.

Except for Linda. Fish Sticks, as Natalie’s boyfriend, Alec, occasionally called the Swamp Dweller, was so whiny. It was hard to see her as anything but an irritant.

Still, even with nights like tonight, Natalie could admit that in the past month or so, Linda had actually gotten a bit better. The makeup that covered her green scales was of higher quality. Her clothes were cuter. She even had increased confidence.

So maybe she’d figure things out eventually and become bearable. Maybe.

“Hello, Linda,” the group droned.

Natalie nodded to the next person in their circle. “Pat, why don’t you go next?”

The newest member of their group rose to his feet. He pushed at the tentacles that blocked his mouth and spoke in a deep, low tone that would put Darth Vader to shame.

“Good evening,” he intoned with great gravitas that seemed to bring something important to the room. “My name is Patrick. I am what Lovecraft called a Cthulhu, although my people have never adopted that silly, hard-to-pronounce name.”

“What
do
you call yourselves?” Natalie asked.

She had learned from the group notes Blob had left behind that it was best to respect what a monster liked to be called. She got that. Nothing annoyed her more than being called a Frankenstein. That was the damned doctor,
not
the monster.

“Actually, our word for our species is not something that can be pronounced by human vocal cords. It is really not worth trying to say it, as it may burst some eardrums.” Patrick nodded toward her, and if the crinkles around his dark eyes were any indication, he was smiling.

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” Natalie said with a light laugh. “I’m not sure we could explain the bleeding and crying to the church.”

Patrick nodded. “Indeed. That would be quite awkward. Thank you for asking, though. As to the second part of the introductions, up until a few weeks ago, I did not leave the sewers, so I have not been discovered for decades. Drake has been encouraging me to join your group for a very long time, and so I decided to take the chance.”

“We’re glad you did,” Natalie assured him. “I realize the trip aboveground is difficult for you.”

She said she realized it, but understanding it was something different. Unlike the others, Patrick had to fully cover himself in heavy robes to sneak into the basement of the church. Here with his fellow monsters, he had disrobed, and his dark gray wings, swirled with touches of vibrant reds and regal purples, folded against his back like a fallen angel’s, but they couldn’t really be hidden under normal clothing. And he had no way to mask the massive, thick tentacles that covered the lower half of his face.

He could not walk in the world of humans and still avoid being seen. So he had to cower, only revealing himself at night for the occasional peek at the outside world.

It was sad to Natalie, really. Too bad she didn’t know anyone to set him up with. Matchmaking had kind of been on her mind lately.

“Aren’t you worshipped like a god?” came another voice from the circle.

Natalie shot a glare at Alec. The Wolf Man of their group (
and
her boyfriend of six months,
and
the reason for her new matchmaking tendencies) tilted his head and stared at Patrick with interest.

Patrick nodded. “Yes. That part of the mythology created by my stories is true, indeed.”

“And your name is Patrick,” Alec mused with a cocky grin. “Is it All Hail Patrick, then?”

Natalie was ready to smack him with a rolled-up newspaper and call him a
very bad dog,
but Patrick’s deep, rumbling laughter kept her from doing so. He leaned back in his chair and shook his head, sending his tentacles swaying gently around his face.

“I do not think that would be very powerful, would it? But my human name is easier to pronounce. I do not think you even have the syllables in English to attempt the original. Perhaps, when I know you better, I shall whisper it to you for when
you
wish to worship.”

Alec grinned first at Patrick, then at her. “I like this one, Nat. He’s a keeper.”

“And
you
are an idiot.” Natalie sighed. “So introduce yourself and get it over with.”

“Alec, Wolf Man. And I
do
count that Van Helsing mess six months ago as my last ‘outing
.
’
” When Natalie stared at him, he shrugged. “That’s it, babe, nothing else to say.”

Alec was right in the middle of his full-moon cycle. He was always more ridiculous and lighthearted when “that time of the month” was so far away. Seriously, it was like living with a woman who had the weirdest form of PMS. Except there was the constant shaving. And he was super-hot.

“Next, then,” she said with a final withering stare for her boyfriend.

“I am Drake, Dracula,” the next in the circle, an older man in a cape, said.

“And I’m Kai the mummy,” said the woman who stood outside the circle smoking a cigarette, even though she wasn’t supposed to be. She waved a hand. “We know the drill, Natalie,
God
. Let’s just get to the next part.”

Natalie closed her eyes with a barely suppressed growl.
This
was why she hated running the meetings. This bullshit.

“Does anyone have any issues they need to discuss?” she asked with a glance around the room. She already knew the answer, but the longer they put off the inevitable, the better. She didn’t exactly feel equipped for it at present.

Linda took a deep breath and Natalie stifled a groan. Although there was much more going on, she was pretty sure Linda was about to gift them with more cat talk.

“I have a—” Linda began.

Kai moved forward and cut her off with a curt, “Oh, no one cares. I have something to discuss.”

Natalie blinked. She should have scolded Kai for being rude, but she was too taken aback.

“
You?
” She had been coming to group for years and Kai had
never
brought up an issue without having it forced from her. The girl did not show weakness. “What do you want to talk about?”

As if on cue, the door to the basement room flew open. Everyone in the circle scrambled, especially Pat, to make sure they didn’t look like what they truly were. But one glance at the figure who had intruded upon their circle told Natalie they didn’t have to pretend. The man who stood there was all too familiar to them.

“Kai wants to talk about
me,
” the man said, straightening his expensive jacket as he looked out over the group with nothing but scorn.

“Hello, Rehu,” Natalie said on the barest of breaths in the hopes that she could control her emotions when she looked at him. “Long time, no see.”

Rehu was another mummy.
The
mummy, if you wanted to get technical about it. He was also Kai’s super-longtime off-and-on boyfriend (think thousands of years of Facebook status changes) and a former member of their group. Former because he was . . . well . . . he had issues their circle had never been able to address.

Slowly, Alec got up, and from the corner of her eye Natalie could see he was in a defensive stance. Drake hissed and his one fang extended (he’d lost the other one because he didn’t floss, or feed, or something, enough). Linda cowered. Poor Pat had no idea what was going on and just stared at all of them like he thought maybe he should have stayed in the sewers and away from the real freaks.

And then there was Kai. She remained exactly where she had been when she introduced this “topic” to the floor, staring at Rehu like she half wanted to hit him, half wanted to shimmy out of her pantsuit and have at it with him right then and there.

A disturbing thought, when Natalie took into account all the bandages both the mummies wore beneath their clothes in a desperate attempt to stay moisturized. Mummy beauty regimes were a bit . . .
exotic
. No . . .
weird
. She could only imagine that sex wouldn’t be normal, either.

“Oh, everyone calm down,” Rehu said as he stepped inside without being invited and slammed the door behind him. “We all know you have bigger problems than I could ever present.”

“I don’t know about that,” Alec murmured. “At the moment, you’re the only problem I see.”

Kai arched a fine eyebrow. “Really? You consider Rehu to be a larger menace than Hyde? Bigger than the current problems with the Van Helsings?”

Alec hesitated, and then his body relaxed. “Okay, yeah, I suppose. Though those problems have been going on for months, so why did you come back now, Bandage Boy?”

Rehu shrugged one shoulder. “Until now your problems didn’t affect me.”

Natalie straightened up as fear sliced through her with a cold, sharp blade. “What do you mean? How do they affect you now? What happened?”

Rehu pursed his lips and withdrew a folded sheet of paper from his breast pocket. Natalie hesitated as he held it toward her, but finally took it. She didn’t need to unfold it. She had one just like it in her purse. Actually she had hers and Alec’s, since he never carried anything for himself anymore. And she knew Drake had one. And Linda. And Kai. It was the topic they’d been avoiding all night.

Still, she carefully unfolded the thick, creamy paper to reveal the embossed
VH
on the top of the sheet. Followed by a short but powerful message:

War.