The Mark of an Alpha (12 page)

"But you couldn't let yourself take any pleasure from it?"

His mate took a deep breath and let it out very slowly, the same way he always did when Marsdon rattled the bars of the cage Bennett had built around the pup inside him.

"I could take pleasure in doing whatever it takes to bring me and my mate back together,” Bennett said.

"In doing your duty?” Marsdon snapped.

"Yes."

"Because you think having sex with me will make up for everything else—make up for all the things you think I hate?"

Bennett remained perfectly still, his expression remained blank. “Yes."

Marsdon covered his mouth, feeling thoroughly sick at the thought of even laying a hand on his mate when that was the only reason Bennett welcomed his touch. Taking Bennett to his bed because Bennett thought he had to let him screw him in order to keep his place in the pack safe would be as much torture for him as his mate.

Worse even than the idea of doing that, was the idea Bennett thought he would agree to use him that way.

"Marsdon?"

"You chained yourself up in a club full of strangers and offered your body to any man who cared to take a piece of you,” Marsdon said. For once his words didn't sound like an accusation. It just sounded like a statement of fact.

"Yes,” Bennett said.

"And yet today was still the first time I ever saw you act like a whore."

Bennett stared straight ahead. He swallowed, but he didn't deny it, didn't object to whatever his mate wanted to label him.

Marsdon growled and swung away from him. If he would just push back. If he would shout and yell and throw a few insults at him in return it would be something. At least, it would show him that his mate thought he had the right to do that.

Bennett merely turned away to go back to the house.

"You're just going to let me say that?” Marsdon demanded.

Bennett turned back to him. “Why not? It's true. I don't want money from you. But..."

"What do you want from me?” Marsdon said.

Bennett stared at the floor for a long time, not with his eyes lowered in submission, but as if he simply didn't have the energy to keep his gaze up.

"I want things to be right between us,” Bennett said. “And if that means losing everything else I ever had then I'll do that. If it means I give up my right to complain if you insult me, or to keep any scrap of my pride then...” He shook his head.

Marsdon stepped forward. Bennett stayed where he was. Another step closer and Marsdon was allowed to look into his mate's eyes as Bennett met his gaze and held it.

"I didn't know,” Bennett whispered, unable to keep the sad little excuse back.

"What?"

"I didn't know that I was so screwed up that I was completely incapable of mating with someone as their equal.” He felt pathetic saying it, but he couldn't live with the idea that Marsdon thought he'd known from the start, that he'd entered into a relationship with another alpha knowing that he wasn't able to be the kind of mate they deserved.

Marsdon frowned.

"You think I like knowing that? Do you really think I'm proud of not being able to please my mate the way an alpha should be able to?” Bennett demanded. “We both know that if I was capable of reacting to you when things were as they should be, I would have been able to mate with you last time we stood in this barn."

Marsdon's frown deepened. Bennett couldn't bring himself to feel surprised. Everything he did seemed to make things worse between them. He pushed his hand through his hair, unable to stay still and silent under the other man's inspection.

"You have no reason to feel ashamed of anything."

It sounded like the truth when Marsdon said it. Bennett wished he could believe it. But the facts were still the facts. Alphas had to act like alphas.

Marsdon tucked a knuckle under his chin and guided him to look him straight in the eye.

"I am not ashamed of you,” Marsdon said. That sounded like the truth too.

Bennett couldn't think of anything to say in response.

His mate continued to study him for what felt like hours. “Are you ashamed of me for the way I acted in the club?” Marsdon asked in the end.

"No!” Bennett met his eyes and repeated his answer more softly. “No. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did nothing to make us act more like equals,” Marsdon said. “The rules I set, the orders I gave, they were all about making sure you were the submissive. You weren't alone in that club jacking yourself off, pup. There were two wolves in the room. We're both responsible for whatever happened in there—maybe me even more than you."

Bennett folded his arms across his chest, only just stopping himself short of wrapping his arms around himself in an effort to keep it together.

"An alpha receives the submission of other wolves,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “You can't be blamed for accepting what was offered to you. There was no way you could have known I was supposed to be... that I am...” He closed his eyes not even able to bring himself to label himself an alpha when nothing he did reflected that.

"You proved you were an alpha, Bennett. The whole pack saw it. You can't still doubt yourself after everything that happened in that circle."

He could lead the other wolves. He knew that. But he hadn't proved a damn thing to the man he really needed to convince. The man he really needed to gain the respect and acceptance of.

"I'll get better,” Bennett promised. “I'll learn how to be a good mate for you.” He'd said it so often, he was thoroughly fed up with hearing it himself. He could only imagine how much like a lie it must sound to his mate.

Marsdon sighed and stepped closer to him. “I won't ask you to submit to me. I know you can't do that right now. But there is something else you can do that would please your mate a great deal.” He said it all so carefully, as if he thought Bennett might spook and run at any moment.

Bennett quickly nodded his agreement to do whatever it was, not caring what Marsdon might ask of him. Anything that didn't make him feel useless was a blessing to be cherished.

He should have asked for details.

Threading his fingers into his hair, Marsdon guided Bennett to bow his head and rest his forehead on his mate's shoulder. Bennett tensed, instinctively pulling away from him.

"Marsdon...?"

"It's not submission,” Marsdon whispered in his ear. “Just rest close against your mate for a moment. There's no weakness in that. There's no shame in it. Just let your mate hold you close for a moment."

Bennett forced his body to cooperate with his mate's wishes. He rested his head on his master's shoulder. With each breath Marsdon took, his body shifted slightly under Bennett's forehead. The rhythm was there, tempting Bennett to think back to the club when everything was so simple.

"Try to relax,” Marsdon coaxed. He rested his hand on the back of Bennett's head, silently telling him that his head was exactly where it should be.

He couldn't follow his master's order. If he relaxed he would forget everything he had to remember in order to be a good alpha. If anything the coaxing only made him more tense, less able to please his mate than ever.

Marsdon's fingers stroked his hair a few more times.

The silence of the barn surrounded them. Bennett stayed frozen where he was, desperate to reach out and wrap his arms around his mate in turn, but unable to do that. The uncertainty of what he was allowed to do now that he wasn't bound swirled around with his confusion over what would be seen as submissive compared to proper behaviour for an alpha with his mate.

He wanted to hold Marsdon close and be held close in return, but he couldn't risk that being the instinct of a pup rather than a leader.

Marsdon hugged him a fraction tighter before he finally gave up on him and stepped back.

Bennett stood where he was, waiting for his verdict.

"We can work it all out,” Marsdon promised.

Bennett nodded, sure that his mate didn't believe that any more than he did right then.

"Come back to the house,” Marsdon said. “The others will be waiting to eat."

Bennett walked back to the house at his mate's side.

The other wolves looked up when they came in. A hush fell over the room. Bennett nodded to the other wolves, but let Marsdon deal with them as he retreated to their room to finish drying his skin and pull on some clothes. By the time he came down to the kitchen once more, the others were all sitting around the table waiting for him.

A glance at Marsdon told him that he had made it clear they should wait until both alphas were at the table. It was a sign of respect he hadn't even thought to be offered as things stood.

Bennett sat down next to his mate, but he had little appetite for any of the food that passed before him. He forced himself to eat anyway, not wanting the other members of the pack to notice and believe something was wrong.

The meal seemed to go on forever. When it was finally over, Bennett wasn't sure if he was glad or sorry that Marsdon made no attempt to speak to him. His mate went up the stairs. He was back a few minutes later, dressed ready to go out.

He left without a word to any of them, a determined look on his face. Bennett watched him go, unable to ask him for an explanation in front of the other wolves.

"Is the pack going to be disbanded?” Francis asked out of nowhere.

"What?” Bennett stopped staring at the door like some abandoned pup and turned his attention to the wolf at his side.

"The Challenge—it broke something in the pack, didn't it?” the younger wolf asked.

Bennett automatically straightened up, sensing another challenge in the offing. He hadn't ruled out the possibility, although he had been sure that Alfred would be the source. He looked from Francis to Steffan and back again. They were both good wolves. They didn't look to create trouble where it didn't already exist.

Perhaps it would best for the pack as a whole if there was another challenge—if his presence was hurting the pack then it would give Marsdon the chance to get rid of him. There were other alphas out there Marsdon could be mated to and—

"You accepted us, but Marsdon can't forgive us for challenging his mate, can he?” Francis went on.

Bennett looked down for a moment, trying to work out what to say as relief made him light headed. No challenge. Just wolves who were scared that their alphas weren't pleased with them. Bennett took a deep breath and forced himself to concentrate on the reality before him rather than the fears inside his head.

"Marsdon accepts you all."

"He can't stand to be around us. He spends all his time out in the barn or in your bedroom with you."

Bennett couldn't argue with any of it. It was true. “He welcomed you onto his side of the challenge ring."

Francis met his eyes. He didn't raise a sarcastic eyebrow, but that was probably due more to his respect for an alpha than anything else.

In spite of everything, Bennett found his lips twisting into a little smile at the look the younger wolf gave him. “It's unrealistic to expect that he'd be waving flags and trumpeting joy. Even if he wasn't completely pleased with you—he accepted you. The matter is settled. If Marsdon had reservations, he would have voiced them then."

No one could ever claim that Marsdon was one to bottle up what he felt. If something was wrong he would be the one to step up and fix it. They all knew that.

Except between them, of course. Neither of them had any idea how to fix the mess between them. Bennett pushed that aside. Marsdon wasn't the only one he had a duty towards. He needed to make sure the other wolves were content too.

"Everything will be fine.” Bennett reached out and rested his palm on the smaller wolf's cheek, in reassurance. He glanced towards Steffan, standing, as he always seemed to be, at Francis's side. Bennett put his other hand to his cheek, offering him the same reassurance. Steffan's eyes opened wide in surprise. A slight colour rose to his cheeks, but a smile touched his eyes as if the gesture confused him, but he couldn't hide the fact that he liked it too.

Francis nodded his acceptance, both of his words and the reassurance he offered them both. Steffan followed the smaller wolf's lead and nodded too.

"Everything will be fine,” Bennett promised the other wolves again, putting every effort into making it sound like the truth. He had no idea how things would be fine, but they would.

Even if it felt like he was crawling through broken glass, he would keep going until everything was fine. That was what an alpha did.

He smiled and nodded and reassured the other wolves as best he could. But his eyes kept going to the clock on the wall. After an hour had passed, he could feel the act start to slip.

"It's been a long day,” he said.

"You're healing?” Talbot asked, concern filling his voice.

Bennett smiled at the omega, stroking the younger wolf's hair back from his eyes. “I'm fine. You're not to worry yourself over that."

Talbot nodded obediently. He was finally starting to relax around him a little now. Bennett's smile became a little less forced. He looked around the other wolves sitting around the fire side—at his pack. He nodded, half to himself and half to them.

"Everything is fine,” he said one last time. “I'm going to turn in. Don't stay up too late. There is work to be done tomorrow."

He left them sitting around the fire side and went up the stairs to the bedroom he shared with Marsdon, trying to look as if he wasn't the least bit concerned that his mate wasn't there to share the bed with him right then.

Closing the bedroom door behind him, he turned to the bed. A piece of folded paper rested on his pillow.

Bennett.

Unfolding the paper he saw his master's scrawl, filling the page with big confident letters.

Collect the key from behind the bar at midnight.

There was only one bar he had ever collected a key from. Bennett's hand shook as he re-read the note. He swallowed as he reached automatically for the scar on the back of his neck.

His master was in the club. The key to the room was behind the desk. Bennett looked across to the clock on the dresser. He might just be able to get there in time.