The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (11 page)

The practice of living in the moment while being aware of reality is a good and natural state of mind, but being self-conscious, living inside your own head while being excessively conscious of your appearance or manner, is a bad and unnatural side effect of your socialization. It is the result of having heard too many comments that you should “think about what other people would think of you” and having seen your own face too many times in manmade mirrors.

As with all habits, the way to stop this bad behavior is to replace it with something else, preferably something positive. Instead of thinking about what other people will think of you, start thinking about what
you
will think of
yourself
. Your own opinion of yourself should be far more important than others’ opinion of you, and no one besides you decides if it is.

Your mind can only be focused on one thing at the time. The implication of this is that while you are worrying, regardless of
what
it may be about, you are busy inside your head instead of taking care of reality. You cannot both worry and expect yourself to think about what you should be doing. You have to choose one or the other.

Once your mind shifts from concern about what other people think of you to only concern about what you think of yourself, you are free to focus on something else instead, preferably the woman you are interested in.

The internal dialogue of an unattractive male, however, tends to go like this, “but… what if… maybe she… I do not know… she
is probably… I think that she… I know what will happen already… if I do that she will…” and other self-doubting phrases.

As soon as you notice that your thinking process resembles this pattern, tell yourself to shut up, focus on the woman, and then take action before your thinking turns obsessive.

Pessimism might help keep you from ever being disappointed, but it is not a successful attitude with women. This is why it is much better to expect positive outcomes instead by assuming the best while still being realistic and then acting on those expectations. The point is not to delude yourself, only to point yourself in the proper direction, which is why your assumptions should still be realistic. For instance, to assume that women will like you a lot as long as you approach them like a man is a realistic assumption, but to assume that women will like you so much that you do not have to do anything and can just wait to be approached like a woman is not.

Since appearances matter so greatly with regard to your attitudes (that is, it is more important to
appear
certain than it is to actually
be
certain), it is actually not necessary to have positive expectations, as long as you at least always act like you do. Your attitude will catch up quickly, but in case it needs some time to do so you should assume that women will react well when you approach them and that they become horny as hell by the way you treat them.

Even more positive expectations like these are already embedded into the behavior and actions that I describe throughout the book, but you should be aware of the concept and both
act
as well as
react
accordingly. For example, if a woman tells you that she wants to meet you again, you must not act surprised to hear it as if you were expecting her to turn you down. That will only make her suspicious and doubtful about whether she made the right choice.

However, your genuine reactions will be based on your mindset, and until you have internalized a more attractive attitude, you may have to control yourself and act like you have positive expectations, even while you may still doubt yourself. This includes focusing on the most attractive females from day one, the ones you really want, as if you can indeed get them. But you do not need status or anything else to act this important; you are important to yourself, and you do not need to earn women, you are entitled to them by birth. Hence, you are free to flirt with any woman you want.

To those still stuck in the mindset that women need to be earned, however, you will seem ambitious when you simply approach the most attractive women directly.

Ambitious

To appear ambitious is the inevitable result of being confident with women as seen from the traditional mindset, but it is also necessary to be charming, something we will return to later. Occasionally, you will even hear women say that they like ambitious males, but males who hear this tend to do so through the filter of their socialization. They believe it is at
work
they need to be ambitious, to have a strong desire for success in society by wanting power, status, or wealth, while all that women really want is for males to be ambitious with
females
— to be confident, dominant, and optimistic and thus to have high standards for what women they approach — to refuse to settle.

Males who are unsuccessful with women, as usual, do the opposite. They simply settle for less attractive females. It is a typical and inevitable result of males’ socialization when they feel that they do not deserve any female at all or at least not the most attractive ones.

While some males settle for anyone they can get, the majority simply lower their standards until their requirements are low enough to restore their confidence, when they believe that they are good enough. Many males believe they have no chance at the most attractive females, but they feel certain enough to approach less attractive ones. Thus, they might not have any problems at all getting girlfriends, but their girlfriends are never especially attractive and never really the women they dream about spending their time with because they have lowered their standards.

But if you have problems getting girls, it is never caused by flirting with women “out of your league;” that simply cannot be the case since there are no “leagues” in the first place. You have to let go of all ideas about competing for and trying to earn women. If you are not getting the women you want, it is because your mindset and its resulting manners make you unattractive. Lowering your standards will only lead to one of two results: You will either continue to be rejected, but this time by
unattractive
females, or you will happen to get a female since you at least have not given up, but she will be
ugly
. You lose either way, and that is far from ideal. Rejection by attractive females has to feel a lot better than rejection by unattractive females, and when you do get the girl, it better be someone you actually are attracted to.

If you need more time and experience to be better with women, then be honest with yourself and admit it, but make sure you get the practice you need with high-quality women, and nothing else, especially women whose looks are so stunning that you feel intimidated by them. Your natural response will seem to be to shy away and lower your standards, but that response is actually not natural at all. It is a nurtured response. You should never, ever settle and lower your standards, because when you do, you actually make your life
harder
.

Now, few males are ambitious with women, even though many can be extremely ambitious in other areas of their life, like school, work, or sports — because they believe they have to earn women, and if they have not they feel inadequate and, therefore, behave without confidence.

Inadequate

Even if a male only wants a woman because he likes her as a person, chances are he believes that is not a good enough reason for him to get her. He believes he has nothing to offer her, as if he himself is not good enough, even though the woman alone is good enough for him and he would be more than happy to end up with her. Not only does he not care if she is wearing expensive clothes with the trendiest brands, but he would also be more than happy to have her even without
any
clothes at all.

Such beliefs are unfortunately normal because most males are raised to accept them. Hence, they feel (or act) inadequate, not good enough for and unworthy of women. Since the idea of the
need
to earn women is deeply engrained in our society, it is normal to accept it without questioning it. Rather than challenging
why
they are not good enough alone, or
if
they really have to be, males accept it and seek out ways to become more valuable in the eyes of females. They try to become funnier, “wine and dine” a woman, study for years to get a degree, buy a car or a house, work extra hours to afford a suit or watch of a classier brand, or learn magic tricks to be entertaining etc.

Since most males also believe they have to
feel
certain on the inside to be confident with women and because most of them believe that women want plenty of things that they do not have, they are likely to lack confidence around women and feel inadequate to get them. Meanwhile, they will prioritize success in
society to feel certain that a female would be interested in them, and they will postpone the pursuit of women until they feel worthy, expecting that there will be such a day.

Nevertheless, the real issue is actually not that males feel inadequate for women; it is actually that they believe there
is
something that is good
enough
. Believing they have to earn women in the first place is the real issue, because you don’t.

If this sounds like you, you have to change the way you think, as these underlying beliefs (this mindset) will be noticeable in your behavior (your manners). Drop the notion of having to earn women. It is fine to earn material things, but women are not objects, so it would be wrong to treat them as such.

The next time you catch yourself thinking that you do not deserve a woman; remind yourself that you are absolutely right, but you are right because you do not have to
deserve
them. You still have to
seduce
them, but that requires time spent directly with them, not long hours at the office or trying to save the planet to prove yourself. Women are lovely, but they are still human beings, not divine goddesses that require offerings, sacrifices, entertainment, or gifts from you, so you have to treat them in a realistic fashion.

However, males who feel inadequate do several other things around women in an attempt to compensate for their inadequacy. You have to be aware of this and similar behaviors, even if you think highly of yourself and do not believe you have to earn women, so that you do not turn women off. These behaviors are common among adult males and taught to all children, in particular as part of the process of creating “good boys.” However, the so-called good manners that most mothers raise their sons to adopt insofar as how to treat females have more to do with how a mother wants her son to treat
her
, as she is the primary
female in her boy’s life. She does not want her son to have a sexual relationship with her, but instead wants him to respect her above all else, to seek her approval, to be polite, to apologize, to explain his behavior, adapt to her commands, follow her lead, and do as he is told. This submissive behavior is the behavior a mother wants her son to exhibit when he interacts with her, but it is the
opposite
of the behavior that is sexually attractive to women who are naturally attracted to
men
, not
boys
. Thus, when boys grow up and apply these “good manners” with the women they want to have a sexual relationship with, those women are repulsed. Since they still enjoy being spoiled, however, they do not mind keeping the grown “boys” around, although “just as friends.”

Seek Approval

To seek approval means to look to others for acceptance and informal permission for one’s beliefs and behaviors. It is the kind of manners that are taught as polite and proper to all children. It is the way that we are raised, and it is both natural and essential to actually get the approval from adults as young children since we rely on them for our survival and well-being.

However, this is not a strategy that will get you very far in life once you become an adult yourself because it means that you are considering other people’s opinion more important than your own, leaving you vulnerable to the whims of other people and without trust in yourself (making you emotional, not confident). Childlike manners only make females more attractive as adults, since youthfulness and vulnerability are both feminine, but females are repulsed by grown males who still have it.

Now, other people’s approval is wonderful to have, but we behave dramatically differently when we
need
approval as opposed to when we merely
want
it. When you just want it, you will be able
to enjoy it when you get it and it will not matter to you when you do not get it, but it will taint your behavior if you really need it.

Males who feel unworthy, or like they have to prove they are worthy to women, tend to seek women’s approval by eliciting specific childlike behavior the same way a young boy would seek his mother’s approval. It is common for males to adapt themselves to better fit what they believe a woman wants, to be more like her or whatever she claims that she wants, in an attempt to gain her acceptance. They become more cautious with their choice of words around a woman, they try to avoid disagreements by adapting to her ideas, they hide their own interests and pick up her hobbies or at least feign an interest in them, they never speak their own mind, and they often clam up while their minds go blank out of fear of saying anything “wrong” — as if women were attracted to
women
.

Then, at the first sign of disagreement or disapproval, they feel compelled to explain themselves.

Explain

Those who feel the need for other people’s approval usually
volunteer
explanations for their actions or appearance. They have the urge to let everyone else know why they did what they did or what they really meant when they said what they said.

However, this urge is really a manifestation of feelings of uncertainty and unimportance, which is why a male should never spend time explaining
himself
to a woman. All such urges are about making sure a woman is okay with a male’s actions because he fears what will happen if she does not approve, as if she is the dominant individual. He lacks tolerance of uncertainty, which is what confidence is all about, and makes it apparent.