The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (88 page)

     Miss Dounor was then perfectly right in her being. She was never changing, she was completely loving, she was completely understanding desiring, she was complete in the pride of attacking in her complete sensitive, completely intelligent, completely gentle being, completely understood desiring. Mrs. Redfern had no understanding in desiring. Mrs. Redfern always was trying to change the being she had in her to find some way of having intelligent desiring in her, always she would have from Redfern anything she could anything she should anything she would ever ask him to be giving to her. That was the being in her.
     There were three of them then, Miss Charles, Miss Dounor and Mrs. Redfern.
     Miss Charles was then not permitted by Miss Dounor to interfere with the being inside her, ever at any time in their living. Miss Charles was never asking anything of any one. Miss Charles was then one of the dependent independent kind of them. Miss Charles was then one having general moral and special moral aspirations and general unmoral desires and ambitious and special unmoral ways of carrying them into realisation and there was never inside her any contradiction and this is very common in very many kinds of them of men and women and later in the living of Alfred Hersland there will be so very much discussion of this matter and now there will be a little explanation of the way it acts in the kind of men and women of which Miss Charles was one.
     Some have it in them some having in them a being like Miss Charles some of such of them have it in them to have it in the beginning very strongly in them that they have generalised moral aspirations, strongly detailed moral struggles in them, and then slowly in them comes out in them that they are vigorous egotistic sensual natures, loving being, living, writing, reading, eating, drinking, loving, bullying, teasing, finding out everything, and slowly they get courage in them to feel the being in them they have in them, slowly they get courage in them to live the being they have in them. Some like Miss Charles keep on having tranquilly inside them equally strongly in them moral aspiration general and detailed in them, egotistic expedient domineering as a general aspiration and as detailed living in them. Some are always struggling, some of this kind of them, some get to have in them that the moral fervor in them in the general and specific expression of them get to be the whole of them, some get to have it all fairly mixed up in them. This is now a little description of how one of them when she was a young one one of the first kind of them who slowly came to have the courage of feeling and then living the real being came to have the struggle as a beginning. Later then came the courage to be more certain of the real being. This is now a little piece of such a description of such beginning experiencing.
     As I was saying in many of such ones there is the slow reacting, slow expressing being that comes more and more in their living to determine them. There are in many of such ones aspirations and convictions due to quick reactions to others around them, to books they are reading, to the family tradition, to the lack of articulation of the meaning of the being in them that makes them need then to be filled full with other reactions in them so that they will then have something. Some then spend all their living struggling to adjust the being that slowly comes to active stirring in them to the aspirations they had in them, some want to create their aspirations from the being in them and they have not the courage in them. It is a wonderful thing how much courage it takes even to buy a clock you are very much liking when it is a kind of one every one thinks only a servant should be owning. It is very wonderful how much courage it takes to buy bright colored handkerchiefs when every one having good taste uses white ones or pale colored ones, when a bright colored one gives you so much pleasure you suffer always at not having them. It is very hard to have the courage of your being in you, in clocks, in handkerchiefs, in aspirations, in liking things that are low, in anything. It is a very difficult thing to get the courage to buy the kind of clock or handkerchiefs you are loving when every one thinks it is a silly thing. It takes very much courage to do anything connected with your being unless it is a very serious thing. In some, expressing their being needs courage, for, foolish ways to every one else, in them. It is a very difficult thing to have courage to buy clocks and handkerchiefs you are liking, you are seriously liking and everybody thinks then you are joking. It is a very difficult thing to have courage for something no one is thinking is a serious thing.
     As I was saying Miss Charles had in her what I am calling dependent independent being, that is being that is not in its quicker reacting poignant in its feeling, not having emotion then have the keenness of sensation as those having independent dependent being have it in them. Miss Charles was then such a one.
     This is then a very common thing as I am saying. Miss Charles had in her this being. As I am saying there are two ways then of acting in a being like those I have been just describing. The acting from the personality slowly developing, the acting from the organised reaction to contemporary ideals, tradition, education and need of having, before the developing of their own being, completed aspiration. Often these keep on as they did in Miss Charles and no one is knowing which is the stronger way of being in such a one. Sometimes there is as I was saying in the beginning very much struggling and then slowly the personality comes to action and that one drops away the early filling, sometimes the early filling comes to be the later filling and in such a one then there is not any changing. This is quite interesting and will be always more and more dwelt upon. This then was the being in Miss Charles and this was the meaning of her action with Miss Dounor and Mrs. Redfern and Mr. Redfern that I have been describing.
     There will be now a very little more description of the being in them, of the virtuous feeling in them, of the religious feeling in them, of the sensitiveness in them, of the worldly feeling in them, of the succeeding and failing in them, in each one of the three of them, Miss Dounor, Miss Charles and Mrs. Redfern.
     Every one has their own being in them. Every one is right in their own living. This is a pleasant feeling to have in one about every one. This makes every one very interesting to one having such a feeling in them. Every one is right in their living. Each one has her or his own being in her or in him. Each one is right in the living in her or in him. Each one of these three of them were right in their living. This is now a little more description of the being in each one of them.
     It is a very difficult thing to know it of any one whether they are enjoying anything, whether they are knowing they are giving pain to some one, whether they were planning that thing. It is a very difficult thing to know it of any one what is the kind of thing they are sensitive to in living, what is the bottom nature in them, whether they will in living be mostly succeeding or mostly failing. It is hard to know such things in any one when they are telling everything they have in them, when they are not telling to any one anything of what they know inside them. It is a very difficult thing the telling it of any one whether they are enjoying a thing, whether they know that they are hurting some one, whether they have been planning the acting they are doing. It is a very difficult thing then to know anything of the being in any one, it is hard then to know the being in many men and in many women, it is a very difficult thing then to know the being and the feeling in any man or in any woman. It is hard to know it if they tell you all they know of it. It is hard to know it if they do not tell you what they know of it in it. Nevertheless now almost I am understanding the being in the three of them Miss Charles, Miss Dounor and Mrs. Redfern. There will be now a very little more description of the being in them, of the virtuous feeling in them of the religious feeling in them, of the sensitiveness in them, of the worldly feeling in them, of the succeeding and failure in them, in each one of the three of them Miss Charles, Miss Dounor and Mrs. Redfern.
     Miss Cora Dounor could do some planning, could do some attacking with it, that is certain. This is perhaps surprising to some reading. To begin then with her feeling and her being and her doing, and her succeeding and her failing.
     She was then complete in her loving, she had complete understanding in desiring in all her relation with Phillip Redfern, she had completely then the realisation later in her that Phillip Redfern was saintly and she had then in her the complete possession of her adoration, the complete understanding and possession of her adoration of the saintly being in him, and this was then in her a complete succeeding in being and in living. This was not exactly virtuous or religious being in her this was complete understanding desiring and complete intelligent being in her and this was in her succeeding in her being and in her living. This is very certain. This was in her succeeding in her being and in her living. She had then in her complete understanding in desiring, she had then completely in her completed intelligence in adoration and this was complete being in her and it was a complete possession of her and by her and this was then completely succeeding in living. This is now very certain.
     She had then complete succeeding in her living as I was saying, she had in her complete pride in her and this could be in her strong sensitive attacking but this was not completely a succeeding in her living. As I was saying Mrs. Redfern had in her no intelligence whatever in desiring, this was in her then presumption in her to Miss Dounor, not the things for which Mrs. Redfern was asking, Mrs. Redfern had the right to ask for anything or everything, it was desiring in her that was a thing Miss Dounor could rightly condemn in her and later she made it very certain to every one that Mrs. Redfern had no intelligence no understanding in desiring and then at last Mrs. Redfern reproached her and so then in a sense Miss Dounor was then failing in her being completely proud inside her. Mrs. Redfern attempting to attack her, attacking her even though failing in attacking was a failing of the complete intelligent pride in the understanding sensitive planning attacking pride in Miss Dounor and so Miss Dounor in her living was not then completely succeeding. This is certain. There was then complete succeeding in Miss Dounor in her loving in her completely understanding desiring, in her complete intelligence of adoration, in the completion of the being then in her, there was in her then some failing that Mrs. Redfern could attack her with going on attempting desiring. This is all very certain.
     Miss Dounor held Miss Charles from really touching her real being, she did not hold her from really touching Redfern's being. She never recognised this failing in herself inside her but it was a failing of the completeness of pride in her and later much later when Redfern was no longer existing in living it made them separate from one another, later it in spots made Miss Dounor bitter. Miss Charles then was not succeeding in keeping Miss Dounor with her, she was winning by not then having any remembrance in her of the trouble she had had with her. Miss Dounor then was succeeding and failing in some ways as I have been saying. There was real succeeding in her as I have been saying, there was real failing in her as I have been saying. This is all very certain. This has been some description of the being in Miss Dounor and of her failing and of her succeeding.
     Miss Charles was of the kind of them the kind of men and women I know very well in living. I know very well all the varieties of this kind of them. In each kind of them they are nice ones they are those that are not such nice ones, they are pleasant ones and they are unpleasant ones, they are those having that kind of being in them so lightly it hardly then makes them that kind of them, there are then some of them having that being in them that kind of being in them so concentratedly it is a wonderful thing to see them, to see a kind of being so complete in one man or in one woman. Miss Charles was of a kind of being I know very well in living, very well indeed in living, I know very well all the varieties of the kind of being that Miss Charles was in living in all the very many millions ever living having had or having that kind of being in them. Some then of a kind of being are nice ones, some of that kind of them are not very nice ones, some of that kind of them are not at all nice ones. Some of a kind of them are nice ones of that kind of them and then they have a mixture in them of other kinds of being in them and then that one is not a nice one though that one has a nice kind of one kind of being in that one. That often makes one a very puzzling one to every one. There are then all kinds of ways of being one kind of them in men and women. Some are a nice kind of a kind of them, and some are not a nice kind of that same kind of them. Sometimes being in one who is a nice one of a kind of them and then has other things mixed up in them is very perplexing and sometimes no one in such a one ever comes to an understanding of that one. Well then that is true then that of each kind of them there are nice ones and nice enough ones and not very nice ones, and not at all nice ones and very horrid ones. This can he in them with any strength or weakness of their kind of being in them, it is from the mixing and the accenting and the relation of parts of their kind of nature in them. There is one thing very certain of each kind of them of each kind there is of men and women there are nice ones and then there are not at all nice ones of them. And about some mostly every one is agreeing and about some there is very much disagreeing and there are very many ways of feeling every one and every one has their own being in them. Yes every one has their own being in them and yes every one is right in living their own being in them and this is a very difficult thing to be realising and it is a very pleasant thing to have inside one when it comes to be really in one.
     Miss Charles was of a kind of men and women I know very well in all the kind of ways of being they have in them. Miss Charles was one of the independent dependent kind of them. Miss Charles was one who was herself a very strong one in her being and it slowly came to be more and more filling inside her. Miss Charles was one who had it in her to have reaction in her to influences around her when she was younger, to desires in her, to tradition and mob action and to very many things then and they made moral aspiration in her they made a reformer of her, they made an aggressive attacking person of her and when she was a young one all this then almost completely filled her. She was as I was saying of the dependent independent kind in men and women and resisting, slow realisation was the bottom way of feeling and of fighting and of understanding in her. This came then slowly to be stronger in her, this made then of her one that could be feeling and understanding brilliant men and brilliant women, brilliant and sensitive men and brilliant and sensitive women, made her feel them then and choose them then, then when her resisting sensitive understanding had come to be more completely the whole filling in her, then when slow steady detailed domination came to be then really filling then inside her, then when reforming attacking was changed in her to the personal being that then was mostly all the filling in her. It was never all the filling in her always she had in her a little of the special reforming attacking which was reaction in her, quick reaction to things and conditions around her and always she had very much in her of the generalised moral attacking conviction that came from the generalisation of her attacking and that made a righteous moral person of her and this is a very common thing and later there will be endless discussing of the meaning of this kind of moral being in all kinds of men and women, the generalised conviction and the relation of it to the concrete living, feeling, being in them, but this will come later in the beginning of the understanding of Alfred Hersland that will pretty soon now commence to be written.