The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (30 page)

     Men and women have in them many ways of living,—their ways of eating, their ways of drinking, their ways of thinking, their ways of working, their way of sleeping, in most men and many women go with the way of loving, come from the bottom nature in them.
     Many as I was saying have not anything not their way of loving not their way of thinking coming from the bottom nature in them but coming from other nature or natures in them natures that are to other men and women bottom nature in them and make of them that kind of men and women. Many men and many women have their way of loving and their way of thinking and their way of working come from the mixture in them of other nature or natures with the bottom nature in them. There are many kinds of men and there are many kinds of women and some of the millions of each kind of them have it to be made only of the bottom nature of their kind of them, some «have it in them to be made of more or less mixing inside them of another nature or of other kinds of nature with the bottom nature of them, some of them have it in them to have the loving feeling in them with their ways of thinking coming from the other kind of nature or other kind of natures in them not from the bottom nature in them.
     Mr. David Hersland had a mixture in him. His wife was in him in his early middle living she was in him then as a tender feeling, when she was outside of him to him she was a little a joke to him, mostly she was not when outside him then important to him, later she was a little important to him because of the children and her resistance to him for them, then a little more and more then there changed in him a feeling of her being a joke to him to his brushing her away from around him, less and less then she was in him as a tender feeling, less and less then was she important to him.
     In his earlier living when she first was a wife to him she was a little outside of him she could a little affect him she could a little resist herself to him, she was then in him a beginning as a tender feeling, she was then in him a little like a flower inside him, she was a little then outside him to him, she was then a little important to him as outside him, more and more then this came to be a joke to him, later then she came to be brushed away from around him.
     David Hersland had a mixture in him. He was of the kind that have loving in them always in beginning and a little in getting strength from wallowing. In the beginning of his loving these two were mixed up in him and his wife was to him more than beginning more than a woman to him for his daily living she was a beautiful thing to him, she was an amusement to him, she was a pleasure to him to have resisting to him, she was a little in him as a tender feeling. More and more in his living loving was to him beginning until in his latest living he needed a woman to fill him, later when he was shrunk away from the outside of him he needed a woman with sympathetic diplomatic domineering to, entering into him, to fill him, he was then shrunk away from the outside of him he was not simple in attacking he was not really getting strength from wallowing, loving was more and more to him as a beginning feeling. Loving never came to be in him impatient feeling excepting when he felt his wife as outside of him, inside him in her early living she was a tender feeling in him, she was a gentle thing inside him, she was full up with children for him, outside him in his early living she was a pleasant resistance to him, she was a little a joke to him, she could a little manage him by resisting to him, then it came to be that a little more and more she was a tender feeling in him, a little, more and more, she was outside him, she was then more a joke to him when she was outside him for him, she was less and less important to him in her little resistance to him, more and more then she was no longer a tender feeling in him, more and more then she was in him as eating and sleeping when she was inside him, more and more then when she was outside him she was resisting for the children more and more then he brushed her away from around him for she was to him then only the children with no importance in her for him and his children more and more were stronger to do their own resisting were more and more important to be an irritation to him in his daily living could less and less be brushed away from before him by him. And so more and more it came to him that she was in him like his eating and sleeping, she was less and less in him as a tender feeling she was less and less important in him or to him as outside him, she was less and less a joke to him, she was less and less important to him as a resistance to him, she was less and less part of his children to him, and she more and more died away and left him and then she was not in any way important to him, he needed more beginning in his loving feeling to fill him than anything that she could give him, he mostly then forgot about her and that was the end of her living. Loving was always then in the ending of his middle living more and more in him a beginning feeling, he did not then get strength in him from wallowing in loving, he had not in him real attacking, he had in him in loving a beginning feeling, more and more he needed a woman inside him to fill him.
     In his country house in his middle living he had in him in his daily living eating and sleeping and drinking and loving and impatient feeling and hearty laughing. He had his wife in the house with him and his children and servants and a governess and near him living in the small houses around the ten acre place where they were living in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living he had, for him, poor people around him who all liked to have him as a neighbor to them. In his home living he had to him in him his feeling about ways of eating ways of doctoring ways of educating his children, he had in him his wife who was sometimes then in his middle living when his children were first beginning in them their individual feeling resisting to him, she was then still to him important for him, she was then still in him as a tender feeling, she was then still to him when she was outside him a pleasant joke to him, she could then still a little affect him by resisting to him. She was then in her strongest feeling of being important to herself inside her to her feeling, she was then in the strongest living with a man to be a husband to her in the rich way that was the natural way of being to her feeling, with her children still inside her to her feeling, with servants and a governess and a seamstress in the house with her in her daily living and she was of their daily living but above them in her right feeling of rich living, with around her the for her poor queer people near her, with the occasional visiting from rich people who did not live near her to disturb her from the life around her where she was cut off from the right rich living that was the natural way of being for her, and which made in her her feeling of being important to herself inside her and so then in her middle living she had in her the feeling stronger in her than any of her family who had gone on living the life that was the natural way of living for her the feeling of being important to herself inside her.
     As I was saying men and women have many of them in them their individual feeling—their way of feeling it in them about themselves to themselves inside them about the ways of being they have in them. Some have almost nothing of such a feeling in them, some have it a little in them, some have it in them always as a conscious feeling, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them, some have it as a feeling of themselves inside them as important to them, some have it as a feeling of being important to themselves inside them as being always in them, some have it as being important to the others around them, some have it as being inside them that there is nothing existing except their kind of living, some have it that they feel themselves inside them as big as all the world around them, some have it that they are themselves the only important existing in the world then and in some of them for forever in them—these have in them the complete thing of being important to themselves inside them. Some have it as a feeling of being important in them from things they are doing, from religion in them, from the way of living they have in them, from the clothes they have on them, from the way they have of eating, from the way they have of drinking, from the way they have of sleeping, some from the way loving comes out from them, some from the way anger comes out of them, some have a feeling of importance in them from the kind of living they have in them and the others around them have in them, there are many ways of having a feeling of one's self inside one, there are many ways of having an important feeling in one, there are some who have in them a feeling of importance inside but not a feeling of importance of themselves to themselves inside them then, there are some who have inside them an important feeling in them but not an individual feeling in them, there are many ways for men and women to have themselves inside to them and this is a history of some of them.
     Mr. David Hersland had in him a feeling of being as big as all the world around him, he had in him a strong feeling of beginning, of fighting of brushing people away from around him, of hearty laughing, in his middle living of pleasant every day living in his country house living. He had an individual feeling in him but it was the whole of him and the world around that was him to him, he never had in him a splitting of himself to himself until his children in his later living when they were angry with him for the impatient feeling he had in him told him what they thought of him told him how he never came to the right end of fighting which is winning, told him how he went away from those in front of him when to himself he was brushing people away from around him. David Hersland had an individual feeling in him, it was being as big as all the world around him, it was being big in beginning. In the ending of his middle living his wife was not important to him, she did not give to him anything in him of individual feeling. In the ending of his middle living he got it more and more from his children, a little from the governess and servants in the house with him, a little from the people living near him. At the ending of his middle living his wife was not any longer important to him she no longer gave him to himself inside him individual feeling.
     Some men have it in them in their loving to be attacking, some have it in them to let things sink into them, some let themselves wallow in their feeling and get strength in them from the wallowing they have in loving, some in love are melting—strength passes out of them, some in their loving are worn out with the nervous desire in them, some have it as a dissipation in them, some have it as clean attacking, some have it as a beginning feeling—some have such a feeling always in them, some have it as the ending always of them, some always are children in their loving grimy little dirt then fills them, some are boys in their loving all their living—in their loving reckless attacking is strong in them, some are always young men in their loving, some have it in them like regular middle age living in them, some are old men in loving and this is in them all through their living. There are many kinds of loving in men, more and more this will be a history of them, there are many ways for women to have loving in them this will come out more and more in the history of women as it is here to be written, there are many ways for men to have loving in them, there are many ways that loving comes out from them, there are many ways for women and for men to have loving in them, this is a history of some of them, sometime there will be a history of all of them. There are many kinds of men and many millions of each kind of them, there are many ways of loving that men have in them and their way of loving makes their kind of man, there are many ways of loving in men and having loving come out from them and this comes in many of them from the nature of them their bottom nature in them that makes their kind of men, sometimes from the bottom nature in them mixed with the other nature or natures in them natures that are the bottom nature, the way of having loving in them, of other kind of men. There are many ways of having loving in them in men, there are many ways of having loving in them in women, more and more there will be a history of them, sometime there will then be a history of all of them.
     David Hersland in his loving was of his kind of man having loving as beginning in him having loving as getting strength from wallowing, he was of his kind of man but loving was not very strong in him. He was in his loving, of his kind of man, not very strong in loving. Loving was in him always as a part of daily living but was not so very strong in him, not so strong in him as in many millions of h is kind of men, there was more in him of being strong in beginning, of being to himself as big as all the world around him.
     In his beginning family living his wife was in him as a tender feeling, she was a woman to him, she was a tender feeling inside him, she was a little a resistance to him and a little a joke to him, sometimes a leading for him for in her beginning with him she had a little a power to control him but always this was less and less in her for him.
     David Hersland did not have it in him to be so strong in loving as many men of his kind of men have it in them. Many men of his kind of men have it in them to need the woman as a warm feeling inside them and she has always then a power in her over him; all men who have this nature in them the getting strength in wallowing as the bottom nature of them and with a beginning feeling too always then in them have it in them in their middle living to have a woman in them in their feeling as a warm thing in them, in some of them as a flower in them to their feeling; some have loving then more and some less in their living. In his later living David Hersland had more need of a woman in him but that was not to be as his wife was in him a tender feeling a live thing in him it was to fill him up where he had shrunk from the outside of him, it was another kind of woman he needed then, not a beautiful thing inside him to be in him as a tender feeling but a thing to be alive, domineering, diplomatic, moving, entering under his skin by feeling herself him managing him and important to him in her filling him where he was shrunk away from the outside of him.
     In the beginning of his living his wife was to him a certain power for him, inside him a tender beautiful feeling in him, outside him a joke to him and a resisting thing to him in little things for the ways he had in him, always having children in her for him.