The Makeover (20 page)

“Yes, I used
pure cane sugar, none of that dangerous processed stuff.”

“I won’t lose
any weight with drinks like these.”

Paulo laughed,
delighted that she was thinking about her goals again.  “Everything in
moderation.  That’s how I feel about it.  God obviously gave us sugar
so it can’t be dangerous. 
How
we use it, and what we do with it,
makes all the difference in the world.”

Silence resumed
as they finished their meal.  Paulo sat staring at this girl whose eyes
refused to meet his since he had spoken about her appearance.  He watched
her chew the apples, grapes and oranges thoughtfully, as if she was trying to
figure out what they were.  He wanted to tell her that they were what
people called
fruit
and that she should eat some once in a while, rather
than cartons of beef fried rice and pepperoni pizza.  He held back the
words as the Holy Spirit nudged him out of his frustration.  He breathed
and waited, trying to reconnect with the compassion he’d begun to feel for her.

Admonishing
himself for letting the devil fill his mind with thoughts of being burdened,
Paulo reached out to touch Phoenix’s hand again.  Jolted by the energy
that raced up his arm, he let out a breath and snatched his hand from
hers. 

Okay, she
must have just shocked me.
 He took another breath and forced himself
to grab her hand for the third time.
 
“Phoenix, will you look at
me, please? 

It took everything
within Phoenix to fight the crushing weight of self-revulsion to find the
confidence to lift her head.  “Yeah?” she whispered.

“Please,
Phoenix, forgive me.  I wasn’t trying to hurt you.  I really was
commenting on your looking exhausted and overwhelmed.  I was not trying to
offend you and for doing so, I am sorry.”

Phoenix
shrugged.  “I know.  Besides it’s nothing I haven’t heard
before.  And you’re right.  Everyone is right!  I don’t look
good—”

“Phoenix,
please, I didn’t
say
that,” Paulo gripped her fingers as if pressing on
them would press his actual words into her perception.   “Listen, I
did not say you don’t look good, I
said
–”

“That I looked
tired, drained, overwhelmed…I know what I heard you say and I know what you
didn’t want to say.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  You did me a huge
favor and made this nice, healthy meal.  You cleaned my apartment…you have
done more for me in a few hours than my ex did in almost two years.  
Most importantly, I can see you haven’t given up on me.  So let’s move on
from this, okay?”  And Phoenix’s lips quivered as she tried to shape them
into a smile.  Her lips felt stretched beyond their limit on her
face.  The corners of her lips quivered as she fought to hold the smile in
place.

“Okay,” Paulo
ground out.  He looked around.  “Now that this place is presentable,
I can see you have a nice place here.  Can I ask you a personal question?”

Phoenix threw
back her head and gave off a sound that could have been laughter if it didn’t
sound like the cry of a vulture.  “Personal as opposed to what?”

“Personal as
opposed to offensive,” Paulo answered, smiling.  “Please don’t take this
the wrong way, but why did you have so many linens on the floor of your
bedroom?  Have you been sleeping on the floor?”

Phoenix stood
and went over to the couch and began doing something she hadn’t done in weeks:
straightening up.  She placed her textbooks and papers in neat piles on
the coffee table and sat down.

Paulo came to
sit next to her and she tensed as the salty smell of his sweat mixed with his
minty cologne. She inhaled and let his scent calm her churning stomach. 

“Again,
Phoenix, I am sorry if I have offended you.”

Sighing,
Phoenix stared straight ahead.  She couldn’t bear being close to
him.  When she turned to him briefly, his amber eyes filled her line of
vision, bright like the sun, and just as scorching.  She looked away
again.  “You didn’t offend me.  I’m just embarrassed to admit that I
have been sleeping on the floor…or on the couch if I feel like it.”

“But why when
you have a huge bed to sleep on?”

“Because…” her
lip trembled, “because I caught
him
with that girl on that bed.  I
can’t sit, lay, or sleep on it ever again.   It’s new and I’m still
paying on it, so I don’t have the money to buy another one just yet.”

“So you’ve been
sleeping on the floor?  Seriously?”  Paulo’s face broke as he
suddenly understood the bottomless pit of pain Phoenix was struggling to climb
out of, centimeter by centimeter.   

“Yeah,
Man.  Every time I look at it, I wish I could just burn it.  But of
course, I can’t set the whole building on fire.”  She let off a humorless
laugh.

“No, you can’t
do that.  But you’re going to keep fanning the flames burning up your
life, though, right?”

Phoenix rolled
her eyes.  “Here we go.”

Paulo leaned
forward and arched his neck until his face was directly in line with Phoenix’s
gaze.  He grabbed her knees and swung them towards him, until she was
facing him on the couch.  “Listen, Sweetheart.  I am so sorry you’ve
been suffering, but getting him out of your life was the best thing God could
have done for you.  I am so grateful, on your behalf, that He is taking
you through this short time of pain, rather than allowing you to go through a
lifetime of it.  Can you imagine what your life would be like if you’d
been allowed to marry him? This will pass, but only if you allow Him to help
you move on.”

Phoenix jumped
up.  “Move on?” she cackled, allowing darkness to well up inside
her.  It choked out the little sense of peace she had begun to feel in
Paulo’s presence.   “Move on?” she yelled, her voice bouncing off the
walls.   “Move on? How can you say that?  Do you know what he
did to me?  I walked in here and caught him getting oral sex from a woman
in my house, a woman he chose to cheat on me with, two months before we were to
be married.  A woman he chose to bring here, set up a romantic dinner for,
and make love to.  A woman he chose over me because of her
looks. 
Not because she was good to him, took care of his family, loved him, and
had his back.  A woman who was prettier. 
That
was his reason
for squatting on my life and taking a huge dump on it!”

Paulo reached
for her.  “Listen—”

“Listen to
what?” Phoenix screeched as she snatched away.  “Listen to you tell me how
God did me a favor?  He is the one who has made me look this way, so ugly,
with this crazy shape, with this dark, problem skin! He is the one who gave me
a mother who refuses to love me because I inherited
her
bad genes. 
He
is the one who finally allowed me to get a boyfriend, for the first
time in years, only to allow Cedric to crush my heart.  God did me a
favor?  The only favor
He
could have done was to allow me to end
all of this like I wanted to six weeks ago.”

“You wanted to
end your life?” Paulo swallowed.

Collapsing on
the hardwood floor, Phoenix began to tremble.  “Yeah, I guess I did. 
I don’t even remember anything, but I woke up with a spilled bottle of
Ambien
near me and an empty bottle of vodka.  I think
I was going to do it if I had not passed out.”  Her eyes were narrowed
with disgust as she looked up at Paulo.  “I couldn’t even finish that
right.”

“When was
this?” Paulo asked, as his heart began to flip over in his chest.

“It was the
night before I saw you in the park that day, after the fight with my
mother.  I had spent several days drinking in here and one night, I found
my old bottle of pills in the bathroom.  I believe I started taking them,
and for some reason, I passed out before I could finish the job…at least I
think that’s what happened.”

Paulo’s mind flashed
back to the vision he had of Phoenix lying in a room, surrounded by empty
liquor bottles.  He thought about the hours of intercessory prayer and
week of fasting he had stumbled through.  He was humbled by God’s
mercy.  He was ashamed at how he had protested when the Lord had chosen to
use him to help fight for Phoenix’s life.  It was a blessing that the Lord
had not given up on Phoenix or himself.  Paulo wanted to tell her, but
felt it wasn’t the time because she would not understand.

“You feel God
did this to you?” his voice wavered as he inwardly thanked God for saving
Phoenix.

“Who else?” she
snapped.  “God is the one who creates us, right?  Why did He make me
like this?  Unattractive, unlovable, and unable to even make it right?”
She jumped off the floor.  “You keep talking about God, praying, giving
Him glory, but for what?” she sneered.   “I used to believe, but what
am I believing in?  His love?  His mercy?  His joke on me and my
life?  What’s the point of making someone if He won’t allow them to
experience love?  Love of any kind?  Love from family, love from
friends, or love from a life mate?  Seriously!”  Phoenix began to
pace, suddenly filled with the most energy she had felt in a long while. 
The energy was of darkness and filled her to the brim with rage, frustration,
and accusations.  But if felt right.  She felt
alive. 
 “How
can I worship a God who causes people to feel so rejected by everybody He
places in their lives?

Paulo was
stunned at the level of bitterness he heard in Phoenix’s voice.
 
He would have preferred anger because anger,
at least, was temporary.  Paulo knew that once bitterness took root in a
person, it could infect every aspect of a person’s life.  Paulo had no
idea how to help Phoenix overcome bitterness, so he decided to help her with
the anger.  He paused to inwardly ask the Lord to lead.  He was more
than surprised with the words that came tumbling out of his mouth.  “Are
you angry, Phoenix?  Good!  You should be.  But don’t be angry
at God.  Be angry at the devil for stealing, killing, and destroying all
the promises and plans that God had for you from the beginning of time. 
And be angry at yourself for helping him along the way.”

Phoenix gnashed
her teeth.  “So this is my fault, then?” she growled.  “I am the one
who chose to put me in my life, to make me in this way, to give me the family I
grew up in, and to take away every shred of love I’ve always longed for? 
Yeah, you would say it’s my fault.  Christians never place the blame where
it belongs…on the God Almighty Himself.”

Paulo began to
throb all over his body.  His temple throbbed with his own
irritation.  His heart throbbed with a need to defend his beloved
Father.  His lips throbbed with the need to tell Phoenix the real truth
about her circumstances, while his hands throbbed with a need to punch
something.

But the
Spirit’s whisper calmed him instantly. 
Gently, My son.  Truth
should build up, not tear down.  Share My Truth.

Even as the
Spirit of God spoke truth to Paulo, the enemy of God led him to say the one
thing a person should never say to a person who is in rage:

“Phoenix, I
need you to calm down.  Please, Phoenix, calm down.”

“Calm down?”
Phoenix seethed.  “Calm down?  You come in here telling me all this
is my fault and then you tell me to calm down?”  She laughed.  “Okay,
I thank you for cleaning up this pig pen and boiling up some potatoes and
cutting up fruit to feed me.  But don’t come in here upsetting me and then
telling me to calm down in that condescending tone.”

“Phoenix—”

He doesn’t
understand you, Phoenix.  He only cares about God,
Satan
whispered. 
You should get him out of here.  Aren’t you sick of
all his preaching?

“Just shut up
and get out!  I don’t need your help.  I don’t want your help! 
I am sick of your preaching! You can’t help me just like I can’t help myself!”
Phoenix shouted.  “I want you out!”

And Paulo
started to get up and leave, until the Spirit reminded him that Phoenix wasn’t
doing all of the talking on her own. 

Paulo struggled
against his burden to help for a moment before surrendering to the Spirit of
God. 
Jesus, help me against the enemy’s efforts,
he prayed
.

“Phoenix,”
Paulo continued in a soothing voice.  “I care about you.  I am not
going to leave right now, okay?  I want to share with you how God can help
you.  He can also help me to help you in ways you can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah, but why
would He, when He did this?” she snarled.

“Phoenix, God
didn’t do this.  He may have allowed it, but He didn’t do it.”

“But why would
He even allow this?”

“I can’t answer
that.  I do know that if He allows struggles and pain in our lives, it is
only for good.”

“What possible
good can come out of being cursed with such ugliness most of my life? What good
could come out of being cheated on by a man I loved so much?  What good
could come out of being rejected by a mother who made me, and made fun of by
friends I have treated like sisters for years?”

“If you give
Him a chance to show you, you will find out,” Paulo said, keeping his voice
low.  “Phoenix…please?”

“Please
what!”
Phoenix got in Paulo’s face.  “Please what?  Let you pray another
one of your useless prayers?”

“No,” Paulo
snapped.  The well of his patience began to run dry, as the insults
poisoned its waters.  “No, I don’t want to pray.”

“What do you
want to do, Paulo? Huh?”

He grabbed her
arms and pulled.  “I want to shut you up, Phoenix.  I want to get you
to listen!”  And with that he smashed her soft frame against the hard
muscles of his and held on.  He wrapped his arms tightly around her,
pressing himself against her, tucking her head under his chin.  She
struggled and pushed and pulled away, almost falling backwards and taking him
with her, but he held his ground, keeping her firmly in place.