The Magic of Christmas (19 page)

‘My dad.' Chloe's voice was clogged with tears. ‘Because he isn't really my dad, is he? I mean…' Just saying the words was enough to set her off sobbing again. ‘My mum just walked out. Just like that. And left me here. And that's fine because, to be honest, if she'd given me a choice
I would have chosen to live with my dad any day because he always has time for me and she never did.' She scrubbed the heel of her hand across her cheek and drew in a shuddering breath. ‘But he probably wouldn't have chosen to keep me.'

‘Chloe!' Genuinely shocked, Lara gave her a gentle shake. ‘Your dad
adores
you.' She'd seen the evidence repeatedly.

‘No. He didn't have any choice, Lara,' Chloe sobbed. ‘She just walked out and
dumped
me on him. He always has to think about us. His whole life revolves around us. And I'm sure he hates being a parent as much as she did.'

‘No.' Lara shook her head, appalled. ‘I'm equally sure that he doesn't.
He loves you.'

‘I make his life more difficult. I try not to, but—'

‘Is that why you're always trying to please me?' Christian's voice came from the doorway, hoarse and disbelieving.

Chloe jumped to her feet in horror. ‘Dad! We didn't know you were home.' She made a frantic attempt to brush the tears from her face. ‘We were just—We were—'

‘Finally telling the truth?' Christian's face was white. ‘Chloe, how could you possibly think those things? What have I ever done to give you the impression that I don't love you?'

His gaze slid briefly to Lara and she knew that he was thinking the same thing that she'd been thinking—
that the intensity of their relationship had somehow communicated itself to the children.

Chloe collapsed onto Lara and started to sob again. ‘Mum didn't want me and she's actually
related
to me. It was
all
my fault you split up, because she got fed up with having a family. She told me that, if she had her time again, she wouldn't have children. So why would you want to be stuck with me?
I'm not even yours!
' She cried and cried and then Lara felt the bed beside them dip as Christian sat down.

‘Angel, we have to have a serious talk.' He rubbed a hand gently down Chloe's back. ‘Let go of Lara and stop crying. Look at me.'

‘I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' Chloe clutched at Lara, crying so hard that she was almost incoherent. ‘I don't mean to make a fuss.'

‘Chloe.' Christian's voice was firm and this time
he put his arms round the child and lifted her onto his own lap. ‘Sweetheart, you have to try and calm down so that we can talk properly. You're making Lara cry, too.'

‘Sorry,' Lara muttered, wiping her cheek with the palm of her hand and giving him an apologetic look. ‘It's just all a bit…emotional.'

‘Can everyone stop saying
sorry?
' Christian gently but firmly held Chloe while she cried. ‘Please, try and stop crying, angel. I want you to listen to me. Let's start this from the beginning. The most important thing to say is that you
are
mine. And I don't ever want you ever to believe anything different.'

‘But—'

‘You're
mine
.' Christian's voice was firm. ‘Mine. Now, onto the second point. Your mother left, yes. But you weren't to blame.'

‘Oh, come on, Dad.'Chloe eased away from him and gave a tiny laugh. ‘Mum hated being a mum.'

Christian shook her head. ‘She didn't hate being a mum. It's true that she didn't like staying at home, but it was nothing to do with you, baby. Your mum was addicted to her work.'He hesitated.
‘It's really hard to explain, but work made her feel good. It made her feel good in a way that nothing else did, including me. If anyone is to blame for the fact that she left, then it's me. She needed something that I just couldn't seem to give her.'

‘But the job was more appealing than Aggie and me,' Chloe said in a soft voice. ‘“Having kids is relentless.” She told me that once. She said that having kids was all about putting yourself second. Now
you're
the one putting yourself second.'

‘I don't put myself second.'

‘You're always thinking of us.'

‘Because I love you,' Christian said, stroking her hair away from her face with a gentle hand. ‘Not because it's a sacrifice.'

‘It
must
be a sacrifice. You're not even my real dad. You're only stuck with me because you married my mum.'

Christian's jaw tensed. ‘I'm going to tell you something I should have told you years ago. I fell in love with you on the first day I met you, Chloe. You were so sweet, loving and thoughtful and such fun to be with. I never wanted to let you go. Don't ever say I'm not your real dad
because you'll break my heart.' His voice was hoarse. ‘You're my daughter every bit as much as Aggie is, and no dad could ever love you more than I do.'

‘You don't have to keep me,' Chloe whispered in a small voice, and Christian was silent for a moment. Then he cleared his throat.

‘Sweetheart, I wouldn't part with you if someone offered me the sun and the moon. You're my family. Don't you dare ever think differently.'

Chloe stared at him for a moment, her whole body trembling. And then she leaned forward and flung her arms round his neck. ‘Oh, Daddy, Daddy,' she sobbed into his neck, ‘I love you so much and I've been so frightened since Mum left.'

Christian smoothed his hand over her head, his jaw clenched tight as he struggled for control. ‘I should have realised. I knew something was wrong but I just thought you were upset about your mum leaving,'he said huskily. ‘You should have told me how you felt. I can't believe you didn't tell me. Because I think of you as my daughter, it didn't occur to me that you'd be worrying.'

Chloe sobbed and sobbed. ‘I thought if I was
bad I might have to leave you and Aggie and I love you both. I love you, Daddy.'

‘And I love you, too. And I would never, ever do anything that would hurt you.'

Lara rubbed the tears from her cheeks and stood up, feeling numb inside.

She knew that whatever she felt for Christian had to end, here and now. She'd glimpsed the depths of Chloe's trauma and finally she understood his refusal to introduce more change into his daughters' lives.

He was right.

It would be too much for them.

How could she expect the children to take on yet another change when their lives had already been so cruelly disrupted? How could she expect Chloe to share her father with another woman? The child needed the security of knowing that she had no competition for his affection.

And Lara had no intention of hurting his children.

‘I need to sort out some things in my room,' she muttered, moving towards the door, intent on leaving them together.

‘Lara.' Christian's voice was soft. ‘Thank you.'

Chloe turned her head, her face blotched and her eyes swollen from crying. ‘Yes, thank you. If it hadn't been for you, I never would have said anything.'

Lara managed a smile. ‘You would have got there in the end,' she said quietly. ‘You're a very close family. And close families always find a way.'

‘H
AVE
you heard the latest?' Jane waltzed into the staffroom. ‘Jack's wife gave birth to a baby boy this morning. Mother and baby doing well.'

‘A baby
boy
?' Rousing herself out of a state of misery, Lara managed a smile, knowing that she was referring to the psychic's prediction. ‘She was having a girl.'

‘They got it wrong.' Jane grinned. ‘Now I expect you're spooked.'

‘Oh, of course.' Lara rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to her coffee. ‘I'll be delivering my own quads any moment now. Don't be ridiculous, Jane, the psychic didn't say anything about me meeting a man with traumatised children.'

‘I know, I know. It's all nonsense. Oh, well, only two days until Christmas,' Jane murmured
as she rummaged in the fridge for some milk that hadn't passed its sell-by date.

‘That's right.' Lara finished her coffee and stood up. ‘And only three weeks until I go to Australia.'

Jane turned and looked at her. ‘You're going, then?'

‘Of course.' Lara turned her back and quickly washed her mug. ‘Why wouldn't I?'

‘I thought—I hoped… You don't have to be a genius to sense that something's happened between you and Christian.'

‘Oh. Is it that obvious?'

‘You haven't managed to cure yourself, then?'

Lara stood for a moment, feeling numb. ‘No.' She turned to Jane and flashed her a smile. ‘But don't tell my mother.'

‘But if you love him—'

‘I don't just love him.' Lara abandoned her mug in the sink and wrapped her arms around herself to try and inject some warmth into her shivering body. She felt cold.
So cold.
‘I also love his girls. And they're the reason that nothing is going to happen between us. It can't.'

‘But what if they—?'

‘They've had a very traumatic experience.'
Only willpower stopped her from sobbing as Chloe had.
‘I only recently realised just how traumatic. There's no way I'm going to be responsible for rocking their little world a second time when they've only just found their feet. They deserve stability.'

There was a long silence and then she felt Jane's hand on her shoulder. ‘In that case, I'm sorry. I'm
really
sorry it didn't work out.'

Lara squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hold back the tears. ‘One of those things. Life showing its sense of humour. Right man. Wrong circumstances.'

‘Just focus on his flaws. Did you ever find one, by the way?'

‘Oh, yes.' Lara hesitated and then gave a sad smile. ‘His flaw was that he was unavailable.'

Jane sighed. ‘You don't think if you—'

‘No.' Lara interrupted her quickly. ‘I don't. Anyway, back to work. Where do you want me? Resus? I don't quite know what I'm going to do when I leave here. Will I know how to occupy my time when I'm not surrounded by bleeping machines and injured patients?'

‘You'll have a great time with your brother and then you'll meet a fit, healthy Australian male who will take your mind off everything.' Jane's voice was falsely bright and Lara looked at her.

‘Yes. That's what I'm going to do. You're a good friend. Have I told you that lately?'

Jane leaned forward and gave her a hug. ‘You're going to be all right.'

Was she?

Maybe. One day.

And in the meantime she was going to put one foot in front of the other, do her job and try and forget just how much love hurt.

* * *

Why had he agreed to ice-skating?

Christian watched as Lara made slow circles on the ice, as poised and graceful as a ballerina, her hands carefully guiding an excited Aggie.

‘Look at me, Daddy!' Aggie's voice echoed across the ice as she wobbled precariously, her bottom sticking out. ‘If Lara skates backwards, I can do it!'

‘You should try it, Dad!' Chloe sailed past him, arms whirling, and crashed into the side of the ice
rink. She turned to him with a grin, laughter brightening her face. ‘This is
brilliant
. Lara hasn't taught me how to turn yet.'

Christian pushed his hands deeper in his coat pockets. It was wonderful to see Chloe so relaxed and unselfconscious.

Since her emotional confession, they'd turned a corner. She'd blossomed.

Thanks to Lara.

Lara was skating on her own now, executing spins and turns that made Aggie gasp and clap her hands with delight.

‘Look at Lara, Daddy!'

He was looking.

‘You like her, don't you, Dad?' Chloe's voice came from right next to him and he tried to keep his smile casual, cursing himself for being so obvious.

‘Of course. Who couldn't not like Lara? She's a nice girl.'

‘Girl?' Chloe gave him a disbelieving look. ‘She isn't a girl, Dad! She's a woman.'

Memories of the hot, passionate interlude in his office filled his brain and he loosened his scarf.
He knew she was a woman.

Aggie slid up to them, her arms outstretched like a tightrope walker as she struggled to keep her balance.

Christian caught her and lifted her over the barrier and into his arms, skates and all. ‘So—have you had enough?'

‘I'm
starving
.' Aggie was breathless and her cheeks were pink. ‘Lara said they sell hot chocolate here. It won't be as good as hers, but can we have some?
Please?'

Lara skated towards them and glided to an elegant stop in front of the barrier. ‘Hot chocolate?'

Was it his imagination or had he seen less of her since that night?

She'd been busy, of course, but still…

‘Can I sit by you, Lara?'Aggie reached out her arms and Christian frowned and held on to her.

‘Lara can't carry you. You're too heavy.'

‘I'll walk, then. I want to hold her hand.'Aggie wriggled and Christian removed her skates and put her down.

They found a table for four right next to the ice rink and Christian ordered while Lara and the girls watched the skaters.

‘She's good,' Lara said, as a girl with a ponytail spun past them.

‘Not as good as you.' Aggie crawled onto her lap. ‘Where did you learn to skate?'

‘At school.'

‘Wow. I wish they did cool things like that at our school. We only do boring netball.'

A waitress walked up to their table with a loaded tray. ‘Muffins, chocolate brownies, three hot chocolates and a mulled wine?'

‘I'm drinking the alcohol,'Christian drawled, and the waitress smiled and put the drinks on the table.