The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove (23 page)

“It's okay, Steve,” she said.

“What in the hell was that?” Burton shouted from outside.

“That was Steve,” Molly shouted back. “You were asking what happened to Joseph Leander. Well, that was it. Steve ate him.”

“How many of you are in there?” Burton asked.

Molly looked around. “A bunch.”

“Who in the hell are you?”

“I am Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland.” She shot a silly grin at Theo, who was trying to follow what was going on up here, while listening to some disturbing stirring noises going on in the back of the cave.

“What do you want?” Burton asked.

Without a beat, Molly said, “Ten percent of the gross on all my films, retroactive fifteen years, an industrial-strength weed-whacker with gas, and world peace.”

“Seriously. We can work this out.”

“Okay. I want sixty peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a couple of gallons of Diet Coke, and…” She turned to Theo, “You want anything?”

Theo shrugged. Hell, as long as they were stalling. “A new Volvo station wagon.”

“And a new Volvo station wagon,” Molly shouted. “And we want it with two cup holders, you bastard, or the deal's off.” She turned and beamed at Theo.

“Nice touch.”

“You deserve it,” Molly said. Suddenly her eyes went wide as she looked past Theo. “No, Steve!” she screamed.

Theo rolled over to see a huge pair of jaws descending over him.

The Sheriff

To Burton, it sounded like there could be thirty or forty people wailing in the cave, let alone whatever was making the roaring noise. It might not be as easy to get rid of witnesses as he'd thought. If all the people he'd passed on the road earlier were in the cave, the SWAT snipers were going to have their work cut out for them. One thing was for sure, he couldn't let Crowe and this woman, whoever she was, leave the ranch alive.

His cell phone rang and he pushed the answer button. “What?” He set his gun down and covered his ear to shut out the noise from the cave.

“Nailsworth here,” the Spider said. “They're on the way. Give it forty minutes. And there's no other entrance to that cave.”

Burton was not happy, having to lie in this crevice for another forty minutes, but once the SWAT team arrived, it would be over. “Nailsworth, shot in the dark here, but have you ever heard of someone calling themselves Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Wasteland?”

“The Outland,” the Spider corrected. “Warrior Babe of the Outland. Of course, only the finest series of nuked-out future movies ever made. Kendra's a huge star. Was a huge star. Molly Michon was the actress's name. Why?”

“Never mind. One of the suspects thinks she's a comedian.”

“If you want some of the cassettes, I can let you have some copies for twenty bucks apiece. I've got almost the whole collection.”

“Nailsworth, you're a pathetic piece of shit.” Burton disconnected. The wailing was still coming from the cave and the woman was screaming something he couldn't make out.

Molly

Theo's sneakers were still showing, sticking out between Steve's teeth. Molly grabbed her broadsword, ran up the Sea Beast's foreleg, and leapt onto his broad neck. She brought the broadsword down hard between his eyes and the impact made her hands go numb. “Spit him out! Spit him out!”

Steve tossed his head, trying to throw her off, but she gripped him with her thighs and hacked away at his head. Chunks of his scales flew off and the blade sparked. “Spit him out! Spit him out!” Molly screamed, punctuating the panicked chant with blows from the sword. She'd seen this before. She knew that if she heard a crunch, Theo was finished.

The Sea Beast opened his jaws to deliver the coup de grace and Molly could hear a gurgling scream come from Theo. She leapt to her feet on Steve's forehead, put the tip of the broadsword in the corner of his eye, and prepared to leap on the hilt to drive it into his eye socket. “Spit him out! Now!”

Steve went cross-eyed trying to see his attacker, then made a grunting noise and hacked the constable out on the cave floor. He whipped his head and Molly went fly
ing, hitting her back hard on the cave wall ten feet away and sliding down.

The pilgrims' wails turned to sobs as Steve slunk to the back of the cave.

Theo, mired in a puddle of blood, bat guano, and dragon spit, pushed himself up on his hands and knees and looked to Molly. “You okay?” he gasped.

She nodded. “I think so. You?”

Theo nodded and looked down to make sure his legs were still there. “Yeah.” He crawled over to her and sat back against the cave wall beside her, still heaving to get his breath back. “Nice friends you have. Why'd he stop?”

“I think his feelings are hurt.”

“Sorry.”

“He'll get over it. He's a big boy.”

Despite himself, Theo started laughing, and before long he and Molly were leaning against each other, giggling uncontrollably.

“Steve, huh?” Theo said.

“He looks like a Steve, don't you think?” Molly said.

Theo wiped the dragon spit from his mouth and leaned over to kiss her. She caught his chin in her hand and pushed him away. “Bad idea.”

Another roar rose from the back of the cave, this one less angry and more sad than the last.

“I guess so,” Theo said.

“What in the hell is going on in there, Crowe?” Burton called from outside. “You don't have a lot of time to dick around here. There's a SWAT team on the way. What do you want?”

“I don't even know what the hell you're talking about,” Theo shouted.

“What do you want to walk away from this? Leave the state. Forget everything. How much? Give me a figure.”

Theo looked at Molly as if she might have the answer. She said, “I thought we made our demands pretty clear.”

“He's not going to let me go, Molly. And now he's not going to let you go either. If there's a SWAT team on the way, we're in big trouble.”

“I need to go talk to Steve.” Molly stood and walked between the sobbing pilgrims to the back of the cave. Theo watched her fade into the dark where the Sea Beast was pulsing with dim spots of green and blue. Theo rubbed his eyes to try to clear his vision.

“Well, Crowe? What'll it be?”

“Make me an offer,” Theo said, trying to figure out some kind of insurance. Something that would keep him alive more than two seconds after he stepped out of the cave.

“I'll give you a hundred thousand. It's a fair offer, Crowe. You can't prove anything anyway, not if Leander is dead. Take the money and walk away.”

“I'm dead,” Theo said to himself. The size of the bluff offer itself betrayed Burton's seriousness. There was no way he was letting Theo get away alive. “We'll talk it over!” Theo shouted. His head was throbbing from the pistol whipping he'd taken and the vision in his left eye was blurry. His cell phone chirped from within the pile of pilgrims' clothing and he scrambled through the clothes and pill bottles to find it. His vision went black with the movement and he had to steady himself until it cleared. He found the phone nestled in a pair of panty hose and hit the answer button.

Steve

He knew an enemy when he saw one. He could sense waves of aggression and fear coming from them, and he
had felt those things coming from his warmblood lover. He could feel the fear even now as she approached him through the feeder people. Why, if she was going to find another mate, did she go to the trouble of unwrapping the feeder people for him?

He didn't mind being hit with the sharp thing, that felt good, he thought she wanted to mate again, but when she put it in his eye, he knew she would have killed him. He felt it. She had turned her loyalties to another. He considered biting off her head to show her how badly he felt.

He tucked his head under his foreleg as she approached. She rubbed his gill tree and he sent a bolt of scarlet over his back to tell her to stop.

“I'm sorry, Steve. I don't have many friends. I couldn't let you eat Theo.”

He could sense benevolence in her tone, but he didn't trust her now. Maybe he would just bite off an arm as a test. His back pulsed magenta and blue.

“You have to go, Steve. There's a SWAT team coming. You can get past that guy outside without a problem. In fact, you can eat that guy outside if you want. In fact, I'd really appreciate it if you'd eat that guy outside.”

She stepped back from him. “Steve, you have to get out of here or they're going to kill you.”

He pulsed a dull olive drab to her and tucked his head farther under his foreleg. She wanted him to go away, he could feel it. And he wanted to go away, but he didn't want her to want him to go away. He knew she could never be what he wanted, and he understood never now, but he didn't want the warmblood to have her either. Colors ran like sorrow over his scales.

“I'm not rejecting you,” Molly said. “I'm trying to save your life.”

She pushed through the pilgrims, who were all on their knees sobbing, and one woman, a thirtyish redhead
with gravity-defying fake breasts, grabbed her arm. “I can sacrifice,” the woman said. “I can.”

Molly pulled her arm away from the woman. “Fuck off, lady,” Molly said, “Martyrdom's easy, it comes with the plumbing.”

Theo

It was only when he answered the cell phone that Theo realized one of Burton's blows had caught him on the ear. “Ouch! Goddamn it. Ouch!” Theo limped around in a circle, despite the fact that his limbs weren't injured at all.

“Theo?” Gabe said, his voice tinny in the receiver.

“Yeah, it's me.” Theo changed the phone to his other ear, but still held it a few inches away, now that it had bitten him once.

“Where are you? Who answered your phone?”

“That was Molly Michon. We're in that cave up on the ranch where the mushroom farm used to be. Burton has us pinned in here and he's called in a SWAT team.”

“Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, I've seen it, Gabe. I think you were right about the brain chemistry thing. There's a bunch of people here all tranced out, saying they were called to give sacrifice. They all have prescriptions written by Val.”

“Wow,” Gabe said. “Wow. What's it look like?”

“It's large, Gabe.”

“Could you be more specific?”

“Look, Gabe, we need some help. Burton is going to kill us. I need witnesses up here so he can't claim that we fired on his men. Call the TV station and the paper. Get a news helicopter up here.”

Theo felt Molly grab his shoulder. He turned to see
her shaking her head. “Just a second, Gabe.” He covered the mouthpiece with his hand.

“No reporters, Theo.”

“Why not?”

“Because if they find out about Steve, they'll put him in a cage or kill him. No reporters. No cameras.” She gripped his shoulder until it hurt and tears welled up in her eyes. “Please.”

Theo nodded. “Gabe,” he said into the phone, “Forget the reporters. No news people. No cameras. You guys come, though. I need witnesses here that don't work for Burton.”

“You said there were a bunch of people there?”

“They're all out of it, I don't think they're worth a damn. Besides, they're naked.”

There was a pause. Gabe said, “Why are they naked?”

Theo looked to Molly, “Why are they naked?”

“To deter them from coming into the cave.”

“To deter them from coming into the cave,” Theo said into the phone.

“Well, that didn't work very well, did it?” Gabe said. “Why didn't she scare them off with the creature?”

“That's what I've been telling you, Gabe. They're here to
be
with the creature.”

“Fascinating. And Molly has control over him?”

Theo looked at the dragon spit running down his jeans. “Not exactly. Gabe, please, bring Val and get your ass up here. You can claim to be here for scientific reasons or something. Val can say she's a trained hostage negotiator. These people are her patients; that should help her credibility. Bring as many people as you can.”

Molly grabbed Theo's arm again and shook her head. “Just the people who already know.”

Theo cursed under his breath. “Scratch that, Gabe. Just you and Val. Don't tell anyone else.”

“Mavis and Howard and Catfish know already.”

“Just them. Please, Gabe, borrow Mavis's car and get up here.”

“Theo, this isn't going to help you much. We might keep you from getting killed, but Burton is still going to arrest you guys. You know it. And once he gets you in his jail, well, you know.”

“One thing at a time.”

“Theo, we've got to preserve that creature. This is the greatest…”

“Gabe,” Theo interrupted. “I'm trying to preserve my ass. Get going, please.”

“You've got to get that creature out of there, Theo. They might not shoot you if there are witnesses, but they won't let the creature go.”

“He won't move. He's in the back of the cave, sulking.”

“Sulking?”

“I don't know, Gabe. Just come, okay.” Theo disconnected and sat down. To Molly he said, “Gabe's right. We may just be delaying the inevitable by bringing in witnesses. Maybe we should rush Burton before SWAT gets here.”

Molly picked up the AK-47 from the floor, released the clip and tilted it so Theo could see it was empty. “Bad idea.”

The Head of the Slug

“Hostage negotiator?” Val Riordan said. “I did my residency in eating disorders. The closest I've ever come to a hostage negotiation is talking a sugar-jagged actress out of purging fourteen quarts of Ben & Jerry's Monkey Chunks after she lost her part on ‘Baywatch.'”

“That counts,” said Gabe. He'd related everything that
Theo had told him and was ready to run to the rescue, but Val was reluctant.

“I believe the flavor is Chunky Monkey,” H.P. said.

“Whatever,” said Val. “I don't see why Theo needs us if he's got a whole cave full of my patients.”

Gabe was trying to be patient, but he could feel a clock ticking in the back of his brain, each tick taking away his chance to save his friend and lay eyes on a living specimen from the Cretaceous period. “I told you, Theo says they're out of it.”

“Perfectly logical,” said H.P.

“How so?” asked Val, obviously irritated at the stuffy restaurateur's tone.

“The tradition of making sacrifice is as old as man. It may be more than just a tradition. The Babylonians sacrificed to the serpent, Tiamet, the Aztecs and Mayans sacrificed to serpent gods. Perhaps this creature was the serpent to which they sacrificed.”

“That's ridiculous,” Val said. “This thing eats people.”

H.P. chuckled, “People have been loving vengeful gods for thousands of years. Who's to say it isn't the vengeance that inspires that love? Perhaps, as Dr. Fenton has pointed out, there is some symbiotic relationship between the hunting habits of this creature and the brain chemistry of its prey. Perhaps it inspires love as well as sexual stimulation. That feeling needn't be reciprocal, you know. He could be as oblivious to his worshippers as any other god. He takes the sacrifices as his due, with no responsibility on his part.”

“That's a steamin bag of dog snot if I ever heard it,” Catfish spouted. “I been near this thing and it ain't never done nothin but scare the daylights out of me.”