The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove (22 page)

She remembered sitting on a deck in Malibu, waiting for a producer who had just made love to her, only to have his Hispanic maid show up with a glass of wine and an apology that “The mister had to go to the studio, he very sorry, you call him next week please.” Molly had really liked the guy. She'd broken her foot kicking his spare Ferrari as she left and had to eat painkillers through the filming of her next movie, which eventually put her in detox. She never heard from the producer again.

That was being used. This was different.

“Right,” said the narrator sarcastically.

“Shhhhh,” Molly said. She heard someone scuffling on the rocks outside the cave. She snatched up the assault rifle and waited just inside the cave mouth.

Val

Val was wishing she had a video recorder to preserve the gargantuan lie that Mavis Sand and Howard Phillips had been telling over the last hour. According to them, ten years ago the village of Pine Cove had been visited by a demon from hell, and only through the combined effort of a handful of drunks were they able to banish the demon whence it came. It was a magnificent delusion, and Val thought that she could at least get an academic paper on shared psychosis out of it. Being around Gabe had ignited her enthusiasm for research.

When Mavis and Howard wrapped up their story, Catfish started in with his tale of being pursued through the bayou by a sea monster. Soon Gabe and Val were spouting the details of Gabe's theory that the monster had evolved the ability to affect the brain chemistry of its prey. Tipsy after a few Bloody Marys and taken by the momentum of the tale, Val confessed her replacement of Pine Cove's supply of antidepressants with placebos. Even as she unburdened herself, Val realized that her and Gabe's stories were no more credible than the fairy tale Mavis and Howard had just told.

“That Winston Krauss is a weasel,” Mavis said. “Comes in here every day acting like his shit don't stink, then overcharges the whole town for something they ain't even gettin. Should'a known he was a fish-fucker.”

“That's in strictest confidence,” Val said. “I shouldn't have mentioned it.”

Mavis cackled. “Well, it ain't like I'm gonna run tell Sheriff Burton on you. He's weasel with a capital Weas. Besides, girl, you increased my business by eighty percent when you took the wackos off their drugs. And I thought it was old Mopey down there.” Mavis shot a bionic thumb toward Catfish.

The Bluesman put down his drink. “Hey!”

Gabe said, “So you believe that there really is a sea monster on that ranch?”

“What reason would you have to lie?” said Howard. “It would seem that Mr. Fish is an eyewitness as well.”

“Jefferson,” Catfish said. “Catfish Jefferson.”

“Shut up, you chickenshit,” Mavis spat. “You could have helped Theo when he asked you. What's that boy think he's doing following that sheriff out to the ranch anyway? It's not like he can do anything.”

Gabe said, “We don't know. He just left and told us to come here and wait for his call.”

“Ya'll some heartless souls,” Catfish said. “I lost me a good woman because of all this.”

“She's smarter than she looks,” Mavis said.

“Theo has my Mercedes,” Val added, feeling out of place even as she said it. Suddenly she felt more ashamed of looking down on these people than she did about all of her professional indiscretions.

“I'm getting worried,” said Gabe. “It's been over an hour.”

“I don't suppose you thought about calling
him
?” Mavis asked.

“You have his cell phone number?” Gabe asked.

“He's the constable. It's not like he's unlisted.”

“I suppose I should have thought of that,” said Howard.

Mavis shook her head and one of her false eyelashes
sprung up like a snare trap. “What, you three got thirty years of college between you and not enough smarts to dial a phone without a blueprint?”

“Astute observation,” Howard said.

“I ain't got no college,” Catfish said.

“Well, cheers to you for being just naturally stupid,” Mavis said, picking up the phone.

The daytime regulars at the end of the bar had snapped out of their malaise to have a laugh at Catfish. There's nothing quite so satisfying to the desperate as having someone to look down on.

Theo

The gun barrel was pushed so hard into the spot behind Theo's ear that he thought he could hear bone cracking. Burton reached around and took the .357 and tossed it aside, then he took the automatic from Theo's waistband and did the same.

“On the ground, facedown.” Burton kicked Theo's feet out from under him, then put his knee in the constable's back and handcuffed him. Theo could taste blood where his lip had split hitting the rock. He turned his head to the side, raking his cheek on some lichen. He was terrified. Every muscle in his body ached with the need to run.

Burton smacked him across the back of the head with his pistol, not hard enough to knock him out, but when the white-hot light of the blow faded, Theo could feel blood oozing into his right ear.

“You fucking stoner. How dare you fuck with my business?”

“What business?” Theo said, hoping ignorance might buy his life.

“I saw your car at the lab, Crowe. The last time I
talked to Leander he was on his way to see you. Now where is he?”

“I don't know.”

The pistol smacked Theo on the other side of the head.

“I don't fucking know!” Theo shrieked. “He was at the lab, then he was gone. I didn't see him leave.”

“I don't care if he's alive or dead, Crowe. And it doesn't make any difference to you either. But I need to know. Did you kill him? Did he run? What?”

“I think he's dead.”

“You think?”

Theo could feel Burton rearing back to hit him again.

“No! He's dead. He's dead. I know it.”

“What happened?”

Theo tried to think of a plausible explanation, something that would buy him a minute, a few more seconds even, but he couldn't clear his head. “I'm not sure,” he said. “I—I heard gunfire. I was in the shed. When I came out, he was gone.”

“Then how do you know he's dead?”

Theo couldn't see any advantage to telling Burton that Molly had told him. Burton would track her down and put her in the same shallow grave that he was going to end up in.

“Fuck you,” Theo said. “Figure it out.”

The pistol whipped across the back of Theo's head and he nearly passed out this time. He heard a ringing in his ears, but a second later he realized that it wasn't in his ears at all. His cell phone was ringing in his shirt pocket. Burton rolled him over and put the barrel of the gun on Theo's right eyelid.

“We're going to answer this, Crowe. And if you fuck up, the calling party is going to hear a very loud disconnect.” The sheriff bent down until his face was almost touching Theo's and reached for the phone.

Suddenly a series of deafening explosions went off a few feet away and bullets whined off the rocks like angry wasps. Burton rolled off Theo and into a shallow crevice just below them. Theo felt someone grab his collar and pull him to his feet. Before he could see who it was, a dozen hands closed on him and dragged him out of the sun. He fell hard on his back and the gunfire stopped. His phone was still ringing. A cloud of bats was swirling above him.

He looked up to see Molly Michon standing over him with a smoking assault rifle, and in that second, she looked like what he had always imagined an avenging angel might look like, except for the six naked white guys standing behind her.

“Hi, Theo,” she said.

“Hi, Molly.”

Molly pointed to the phone in his shirt pocket with the barrel of her rifle. “You want me to get that?”

“Yeah, it might be important,” Theo said.

There was a gunshot and a bullet whined off the edge of the cave entrance and ricocheted into the darkness. Theo could feel the roar that rose up out of the back of the cave vibrating in his ribs.

The Sheriff

Burton reached over the edge of the crevice and fired a shot in the general direction of the cave, then braced himself for return fire from the AK-47, but instead he heard a roaring that sounded like someone had dropped the entire cast of
The Lion King
in a deep fryer. Burton was not a coward, not by any means, but a man would have to be insane not to be frightened by that noise. Too much weirdness, too fast. A woman in a leather bikini and
thigh-high boots firing an AK-47 while six naked guys dragged Crowe into a cave. He needed time to regroup, call in backup, drink a fifth of Glenlivet.

It seemed safe here for the time being. As long as he didn't move, no one could get a firing angle on him without making a target of himself. He pulled his cell phone from his jacket pocket, then paused, trying to figure out who to call. A general officer-in-trouble call could bring anyone, and the last thing he needed was television helicopters hovering around. Besides, his goal wasn't to arrest the suspects, he needed them silenced for good. He could call in the guys from the crank lab, if he could get hold of them, but the vision of a bunch of untrained illegal immigrants running around on this hill with automatic weapons didn't seem like the best strategy either. He had to call SWAT, but only his guys. Eight of the twenty men on the SWAT team were in his pocket. Again, he couldn't go through dispatch. They'd have to be called in on private lines. He dialed the number that rang into the information center deep in the basement of the county justice building. The Spider picked up on the first ring.

“Nailsworth.”

“It's Burton. Listen, don't talk. Call Lopez, Sheridan, Miller, Morales, O'Hara, Crumb, Connelly, and LeMay. Tell them to come in full SWAT to the Beer Bar Ranch north of Pine Cove, the northern access road. There's a cave here. Pull up whatever maps you need and give them directions. Do not use open channels. They are not to log in or report to anyone where they are going. There are at least two suspects in the cave with automatic weapons. I'm pinned down about ten yards from the west-facing entrance. Have them meet south of the rocks, they'll see them, then have Sheridan call me. No aircraft. Find out if there's another entrance to this cave. I need everyone in place ASAP. Can you do it?”

“Of course,” the Spider said. “It's going to take them
a minimum of forty minutes, maybe more if I can't find them all.”

Burton could hear the Spider's fat fingers blazing on his keyboard already. “Send whoever you can find. Tell them to come in separate cars. Tell them to avoid sirens if possible on the way up, definitely once they hit the ranch.”

“Do you have descriptions of the suspects?”

“It's Theophilus Crowe and a woman, five-eight, one twenty, twenty-five to forty years old, gray hair, wearing a leather bikini.”

“Twenty-five to forty? Pretty specific,” the Spider said sarcastically.

“Fuck you, Nailsworth. How many women do you think are running around these hills wearing a leather bikini and shooting an AK? Call me when they are on the way.” Burton disconnected and checked the battery on the phone. It would last.

Since the roaring sound had come from the cave, it had been quiet, but he didn't dare peek over the edge of the crevice. “Crowe!” he shouted. “It's not too late to work this out!”

Theo

The naked guys were standing over Theo, wearing dazed smiles, as if they'd all just shared a big pipe of opium. “Jesus, was that it?” Theo asked, Steve's roar still ringing in his ears.

“Him,” Molly corrected, holding up a finger to shush Theo as she pressed the answer button on his phone. “Hello,” she said into the phone. “None of your business. Who is this?” She covered the mouthpiece and said, “It's Gabe.”

“Tell him I'm okay. Ask him where he is.”

“Theo says he's okay. Where are you?” She listened for a second, then covered the mouthpiece again. “He's at the Slug.”

“Tell him I'll call him right back.”

“He'll call you back.” She disconnected and tossed the phone in the pile of clothing by the door.

Theo looked up at the naked guys. He thought he recognized a couple of them, but didn't want to acknowledge that he did. “Would you guys back off a little?” Theo said. They didn't move. Theo looked at Molly. “Can you tell them to go somewhere? They're making me nervous.”

“Why?”

“Molly, I don't know if you've notice, but all these guys are in a—a state of arousal.”

“Maybe they're just glad to see you.”

“Would you tell them to back off, please?”

Molly motioned for the naked guys to move away. “Go. Go. Back to the back of the cave, guys. Go. Go. Go.” She poked at a couple of them with the assault rifle. Slowly they turned and ambled farther back into the cave.

“What in the hell is wrong with them?”

“What do you mean, wrong? They're acting like all guys do, they're just being more honest about it.”

“Molly, seriously, what did you do to them?”

“I didn't do anything. That's how they've been acting since they saw Steve back there.”

Theo looked to the back of the cave, but could only see the partially lit backs of a group of people sitting on the cave floor. “It's like they're in a trance or something.”

“Yeah, isn't it cool? They came to help me get you when I asked, though. So they're not total zombies. I'm, like, in charge.”

Blood was dripping out of Theo's scalp, matting his
hair and leaving spots on his shirt. “That's great, Molly. Could you get these handcuffs off me?”

“I was going to ask you about those. Every time I see you, you're in handcuffs. Do you have a fetish or something?”

“Please, Molly, there's a key in my front pocket.”

“He gave you the key?”

“It's my key.”

“I see,” Molly said with a knowing smile.

“Handcuffs all use the same key, Molly. Please help me get out of these.”

She knelt and reached into his pocket, keeping her eyes locked on his through the process. His head throbbed when he rolled over so she could get to the cuffs.

As she pulled them off, they heard Burton call from outside. “Crowe! It's not too late to work this out!”

Once his hands were free, Theo threw his arms around Molly and pulled her close. She dropped her rifle and returned his embrace. Another roar emanated from the back of the cave. A couple of the pilgrims shrieked and Molly let go of Theo and stood up, gazing back into the darkness.