The Look of Love (14 page)

“And when you
were older?” Louise pressed her.

“The last time
I shared a bed with Chrissy must have been last year, when we went
on holiday to Spain together. We were both drunk. But again,
nothing happened. I like Chrissy a lot, and maybe I do love her,
but it’s not in the way you mean. I don’t fancy her, and I don’t
look at her in that way.”

“And how do you
feel about me?”

Victoria was
getting close to the limit of her tolerance. “What do you want me
to say, Louise?” she snapped. “Do you want me to say that I love
you? Well, I can’t. I’m sorry, I like you and all that, but I don’t
fancy you. Yes, I enjoyed the sex. It was different. And maybe it
won’t be the last time we do it, I don’t know. But I look at you as
a female friend, like Chrissy, or Jo, not as a girlfriend or a
boyfriend in the way you mean. I’ve never thought of myself as a
lesbian, or a bisexual, or anything like that. At the moment, I
still think of myself as being heterosexual, but after last night,
maybe that’s not right either. I know I should feel different, that
I should have clear feelings, one way or the other, but I don’t.
Basically, I’m just confused!”

The
conversation was getting out of control, but Louise couldn’t stop
herself. She was getting all hot and bothered, but there were
things she still wanted to know.

“But you don’t
like boys very much, do you?” she almost accused Victoria. “I saw
the way you acted last night, leading all those boys on at the club
and then dumping them. That’s what Chrissy meant when she said what
you did was malicious and hurtful.”

“Stop it!”
Victoria told her in a raised voice.

Louise ignored
her. “And why did Chrissy say that you always have to be drunk
before you have sex with Zach?”

“Stop it!”
Victoria said far more sternly this time, and she pushed Louise up
against the wall. But Louise still couldn’t stop, even though she
knew that she was going too far.

“And when we
made love last night, you muttered something about your father.
What did that mean?” she finally blurted out.

Her words had a
drastic effect on Victoria. Her expression twisted in anger and she
shouted, “Stop it! Stop it!” and began to bang Louise’s head
against the wall.

Louise started
to struggle, but she couldn’t break free. “Ow! You’re hurting me!”
she cried out and began to cry.

Victoria
suddenly let go of Louise and stepped back. She saw Louise’s tears
and her anger quickly subsided. She felt very guilty and quickly
stepped forward again and hugged Louise.

“Oh, I’m sorry,
Louise! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she said, also getting all tearful.
She began to stroke Louise’s hair as she spoke quickly and
tearfully. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but there are some things
that I don’t want to talk about, that I can’t talk about. Not yet,
anyway. Maybe later. Much later. When we’re both much more used to
one another. Until then, please don’t ask me. Okay, Louise?”

Louise wiped
her eyes and put her arms around Victoria again, happy to feel her
hair being stroked so affectionately. They remained standing by the
wall hugging one another, both of them still tearful.

“I’m sorry
too,” Louise said. “I didn’t mean to say what I did. It’s just that
I wanted to know how you felt about me, and how you felt about what
we did. It means a lot to me. And I know I shouldn’t pry about your
father. But I love you, and I worry about you. And if he hurt you,
I want to know.”

“I told you I
didn’t want to talk about my father!” Victoria said harshly,
shaking Louise as she spoke.

“Alright,
alright!” Louise replied quickly. “I won’t ask you anymore! I’ll
wait until you feel ready to tell me. But in the meantime, I don’t
just want to be your cute lesbian friend. If I can’t be your lover,
then I ought to be a proper friend, one that you can trust and talk
to. Like Chrissy. I’ve told you private things about me. So why
can’t you tell me things about you? Why don’t you trust me?”

Victoria
sighed. “I do trust you. But there are some things I can’t talk
about, not to anybody. Not yet. And I don’t even know how I feel
about what happened last night, so how can I explain it to you? And
for the record, yes, you’re right; I don’t like sex very much. Not
with boys, anyway. But I’m not going to talk about why. And
contrary to what you might think, I don’t talk about such things to
Chrissy, either. So stop asking.”

“I thought you
did,” Louise said in a low voice.

“Well, I
don’t.”

“I didn’t
know.”

“You do
now.”

“I’m daft,
nosey, and very insecure.”

Victoria smiled
at last. “And I get beaten up by women in toilets.”

Louise looked
up at Victoria and also smiled. “Nobody’s perfect.”

Victoria stared
at Louise’s tear-stained face and suddenly grabbed her jaw with her
hand and shook her slightly, saying, “Pain in the arse!” Then she
broke away.

Louise watched
her walk towards the door. “Where are you going?” she asked in
sudden alarm, following her.

“To get my
stuff,” Victoria replied. “You still want me to move in, don’t you?
Or have you changed your mind?”

Louise
swallowed and said quickly, “No, of course not! But I thought…” Her
voice trailed off. She felt so confused.

Victoria stood
by the door with her hands on her hips. “Look, Louise, it’s like
this,” she said in a business like way. “I have nowhere to stay. So
either I stay with Zach, or I stay here with you. If I stay with
Zach, there’s no way I will be able to trust him. No matter what he
might promise, he’s probably going to get me drunk most nights and
want to play bouncy castles with me. If I stay here with you, I
know that if you promise me to keep our relationship platonic, at
least for now, then I can trust you to keep that promise. So which
is it to be?”

Louise’s heart
leapt. “I want you to stay here!” she said far too eagerly. She
couldn’t believe what was happening. One moment she had been in the
pit of despair, and now she was in heaven. And this time it wasn’t
just a fantasy. Victoria was going to stay with her after all. It
was going to be as friends instead of lovers, but Louise could be
content with that. Just having her close would be enough. And
Victoria now knew how Louise felt about her, and she was staying
anyway. And that was what was important.

Louise almost
ran to Victoria and held onto her sweater. “I don’t care what I
have to promise!” she said excitedly. “You can stay here for free
if you like! Anything! Just don’t go back to Zach! He’ll ruin
you–”

Louise had to
stop as Victoria had clamped a hand over her mouth.

“I warned you
that you were far too soft for your own good,” Victoria told her.
“If you let me, I could twist you up and get away with murder
living here, no problem. So you’ll have to learn to be harder with
me. Of course I’ll pay my way. But I’ll forget, so you’ll have to
remind me. And I’m terribly lazy, so you’ll have to kick me to do
my share. Sooner or later it’ll all get out of hand and you’ll
realise that I’m not very nice. You don’t think so now, but it
won’t be long before you get sick of me and throw me out.”

Louise mumbled
an inaudible reply, so Victoria took her hand away from her mouth
and Louise said very earnestly, “I want you to stay here with me,
Victoria, even if it’s just as friends. It’ll be our little
arrangement. No one else need know anything about it. I won’t do
anything you don’t want me to do. I promise. And I’ll never get
sick of you. I’ll be happy just having you here with me. I’ll be
happy just watching you, and being close to you.”

Victoria shook
her head in despair. “But how can you say that, Louise?” she said.
“I keep telling you that I still feel that I’m heterosexual. Yes,
I’m a bit confused after last night, but that doesn’t mean I’m a
lesbian. If it means anything, it’s that I’m as thick as Chrissy
thinks I am! I know what you’re thinking, but you could be wasting
your time with me. Are you really sure you want to go on with
this?”

“Yes, I’m
sure,” Louise replied without hesitation.

“But why?”

“Because I love
you,” Louise replied simply.

Victoria
sighed. “Why do I feel that this is so unfair? I’m sure this is a
mistake, and I must be suffering concussion from last night, but
I’m going to give it a try on one condition.” She pointed at the
two bedrooms. “That’s your room, and that’s my room. Okay?”

Louise nodded.
“I promise, I told you.”

“Okay, then.
I’ll go and get my stuff.”

“I’ll come with
you,” Louise said. And before Victoria could protest, she went on,
“No arguments. You got beaten up last night so you need the help.
I’m not letting you carry anything heavy. You might be right about
concussion, so I’m not letting you out of my sight until I’m sure
you’re alright.” Louise reached for one of several coats on a rack
by the door. “Now put this coat on, and try on my shoes. If they
don’t fit I’m sure I can find a pair of trainers that will.”

“I’m alright
without a coat,” Victoria protested as Louise began to fuss over
her.

“No, you’re
not! All you’re wearing is a pair of jeans and a woolly sweater.
You’ll catch cold!”

“Oh, Louise!
Haven’t you heard anything I told you? You’ll be carrying my books
to classes next!”

They were
halfway down the stairs when Rosanna opened the door to her flat
and caught them. For a moment, Louise felt embarrassed. But then
she saw Rosanna smile and she smiled too.

“Hello, Rosie,”
she said quickly. “This is Victoria. She’s going to be my
flat-mate.”

Victoria and
Rosanna exchanged greetings. Rosanna obviously noticed Victoria’s
bruised and battered face but said nothing about it.

Victoria
grinned mischievously. “You’re the woman with the toaster, aren’t
you?” she asked her.

Rosanna’s smile
broadened. “Has Louise been telling you all my secrets?”

“Well, I
couldn’t help hearing the banging.”

Rosanna sighed.
“I think it’s getting worse. I seem to have to hit it harder each
day. I keep asking Dave to get me a new one, but you know what he’s
like, Louise. Hopeless, totally hopeless.”

“You’ll have to
keep nagging him!” Louise replied. Then she asked rather pointedly,
“What brought you out here, then?”

Rosanna smiled
again. “I thought I heard voices up there, so I was going to ask
you both in for a cup of tea. I’ve just brewed up.”

Rosanna kept
smiling, and it made Louise feel more and more self-conscious. “Not
just now, Rosie. We’re off to pick up Victoria’s things from her
flat. Maybe later?”

“When you get
back then. I’ll keep an ear out.”

Louise laughed.
“You do that! We’ll see you later.”

Victoria said,
“Bye!” and she and Louise trotted the rest of the way downstairs
and left. Rosanna watched them go, a broad smile on her face.

As soon as they
were out of the house, Victoria pulled on Louise’s arm and asked
her, “Does she know about you?”

Louise nodded.
“Yes. She and Dave have known for ages.”

“I thought that
was why she kept smiling at me!” Victoria exclaimed. “The very
first person we meet, and my reputation’s already ruined!”

“Don’t worry,”
Louise said with a smile. “We’ll have plenty of time to explain
everything when we get back.”

“Oh, no we
won’t!” Victoria said mischievously. “Don’t tell her anything about
our arrangement, Louise! Let her go on thinking exactly what she’s
thinking!”

“It might not
be so easy. Rosie’s probably bursting to know how you got those
bruises. She’ll give you a good grilling over that cup of tea, you
just wait and see!”

“I can take
it!” Victoria linked arms with Louise. “You know, Louise, I’m
beginning to like this little arrangement of ours, it has real
possibilities. This could be fun!”

Victoria didn’t
stop talking all the way to Sale Metro Station. She was full of
ideas as to how to exploit the possibilities that her arrangement
with Louise had to offer. She was planning hours of deceit and
manipulation that would leave most of the unfortunate males she met
in need of psychiatric help.

Louise laughed
and listened, and just babbled to Victoria about anything. She
couldn’t help it. She was so happy; walking along, arm in arm like
this with Victoria. And as they walked and talked, the conversation
quickly returned to Louise’s sexuality.

Victoria
suddenly wanted to know everything. She kept asking Louise
questions. How did she know? What did her parents think when she
told them? Did her mum and dad get upset? And what about at school?
Did she get into trouble?

Before she knew
it, Louise found herself taking about herself in a way that she
would never have dreamed of doing only a few hours before. But she
didn’t care. She loved being with Victoria, and she was happy to
tell her anything she wanted to know, even private and personal
things. She felt it brought them closer together. She answered
every question Victoria asked as they stood waiting together on the
platform of the Metro Station. The result surprised and delighted
Louise.

The more
Victoria found out about her, the brighter and casual her attitude
became. She seemed to have no qualms about Louise’s sexuality, or
about what had taken place between them the night before. It was
more than Louise had ever expected, and it made her feel more
relaxed.

Soon, Louise
became confident enough to ask Victoria questions again, but always
making sure that she steered well clear of Victoria’s family life.
She needn’t have worried. Victoria seemed to be as happy to talk as
she was. She answered all of Louise’s questions without hesitation.
She talked about her childhood, about her friends at school, and
even a little bit about her home life. She also talked a lot about
Chrissy, and about the many adventures and nights out they had
shared together.