The Longing (15 page)

She’d figured as much. Amelia glanced down
the gorge and watched the water tumble and turn, gurgling as it
twisted its way downstream. Birds swooped between trees, flapping
and twittering, as if making their last-minute visits before the
lights went out.

“It’s so beautiful here,” she said, wishing
she could lean back on the blanket and just drift off to sleep.
Kyle didn’t comment, but she suspected he was enjoying the
peacefulness, too. As the melody of the gorge wrapped around them,
they watched the sun dip, noticed the swatches of orange widen
across the banks of the gorge.

“Amelia?”

She glanced up at the softness in Kyle’s
voice.

“I’m sorry about this afternoon at my
brother’s house. I should have been more aware of your feelings and
brought you home right after church.”

A flush of embarrassment rolled through
Amelia and she wanted to return to that companionable silence they
had shared a moment before. “I didn’t expect to react so
emotionally. I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”

“Of course not. I felt bad for you. Seeing
your mother this evening made me feel even worse.”

“Me, too.” Amelia’s chest tightened. “Mama’s
so lost without Papa.”

“So are you, Amelia.”

Kyle’s unexpected tenderness drew her gaze to
his. He didn’t reach for her, but to her own surprise, she yearned
to lean against his broad chest, to feel the warmth and protection
of his muscled arms. It would be wonderful to curl up beside him
and surrender her heartache for one night.

As he leaned back on one hand and studied
her, Amelia did the same with him. Lord, his face could anchor an
eye. Her gaze traveled up the angular plains of his face and
tangled with his dark, liquid gaze. Something warm and ticklish
somersaulted in her stomach and Amelia knew it wasn’t the idea of
having to marry Kyle that troubled her so deeply. It was the
thought of wanting his love and not being able to win it.

He held out his hand to her, but Amelia
clutched the blanket. If he touched her, she would be lost. One
more second of looking into Kyle’s hungry eyes and Amelia knew she
would fall into his arms and kiss him until tomorrow morning.

“I’m not going to pounce on you.”

For the life of her, Amelia couldn’t think of
a single excuse to keep her distance without offending him. She
wasn’t afraid of Kyle. She was afraid of herself.

He sighed and moved the basket from between
them. “I just want you to sit beside me for a while. Why does that
make you nervous?”

“It’s not your request that makes me nervous.
It’s your expression.”

“My face has a bad habit of reflecting my
thoughts. Gets me in trouble all the time.”

The teasing glint in his eyes shocked Amelia.
Kyle was truly oblivious to the power of his own tenderness, the
allure of his boyish charm, but it captivated Amelia, and she
stared at him, wanting to see more of this side of her husband.
Beneath Kyle’s hard shield lurked a sensitive man with a sense of
humor. What a surprising gift.

“Are there other bad habits of yours that I
should know about?” she asked in a teasing voice, hoping to connect
with this personable side of her husband.

“I sing.”

The sound of her own laugh surprised her.

“That’s why I don’t have a dog. He would
never put up with the abuse.”

Amelia gazed into Kyle’s eyes, and though he
didn’t smile, she saw warmth there. Maybe he wasn’t as serious as
he pretended to be. Maybe he had a forgiving heart buried in that
hard, muscular chest. Maybe he would understand her shame and
accept her imperfections without blame.

Drawn to his warmth, and assailed by her own
reckless need, Amelia considered confessing everything and begging
his forgiveness. But as the humor faded from his eyes, her courage
waned.

“We should eat,” she said, but she didn’t
care a whit about food.

“Later.”

She didn’t protest when Kyle drew her against
him, but she kept her face lowered so he wouldn’t kiss her. She
felt the thud of his heartbeat against her shoulder, and his slow
breathing added another voice to the song in the gorge. For the
first time ever, Amelia experienced the rhythm of her world from
the circle of a man’s arms, and she listened to the earthy sounds
in awe.

After a long silence, Kyle leaned back
against the shale bank and drew her with him. Her hair caught
against the protruding edges of shale and loosened her chignon. She
sat up to fix it, but Kyle stopped her hand.

“Let it down,” he said quietly, his gaze
probing hers. Their eyes met, but she was too flustered by his
request to comment. “We’ll just sit here and watch the sun
set.”

That he was asking for so little when he
could claim anything he wanted shamed Amelia and she pulled the
pins from her hair, wishing she could give him more.

His eyes filled with appreciation as he
looked at her hair hanging to the middle of her back.

The need in Kyle’s eyes made her blush and
Amelia lowered her lashes. When he slipped his fingers into her
hair, she jumped and glanced at him. He didn’t stop or comment,
just kept dragging his fingers through her hair and across her
scalp. The feel of his fingers spread delicious sensations across
her head and down her neck, and finally, she closed her eyes and
simply enjoyed it. “That feels so good,” she whispered, then wished
her voice hadn’t sounded seductive.

Not daring to look at Kyle, she kept her eyes
closed, but to her surprise, he cupped the back of her head and
drew her face to his shoulder, like he would with a tired
child.

It felt wonderful to curl against his warmth
and enjoy the feel of his hands on her body, but she wondered if
Kyle’s attention was leading up to lovemaking.

They sat in the silence for what seemed
hours. It was probably only minutes, but under the caress of Kyle’s
hands, Amelia felt her bones melt and her eyes grow heavy, and
finally, she felt nothing at all.

Kyle brushed Amelia’s hair back, aching to
make love to her, but knowing he wouldn’t. She was exhausted and
filled with grief over her father. He had wanted to hold her like
this earlier at his brother’s house when her eyes had filled with
tears. To hear her voice break with grief, to watch her struggle
not to fall apart when he knew she was dying inside, had torn a
hole in his chest.

All he’d been able to do was sit there
drowning in his own regret and guilt, knowing she would hate him
when he told her the truth about her father’s death.

A saw
blade made a distinctive sound while slicing through timber; a
plaintive whine underscored by buzzing, a breathless pause while
the carriage gigged back, then another screaming buzz as the blade
made a second pass through a strip of pine.

Radford had once described the sound as the
rhythm of home, and though Kyle agreed, he also recognized it as
the true meaning of progress. The sounds of a busy mill meant
money. With money came security and happiness, or so he’d thought
until making that deplorable investment in Tom’s lumberyard. He
still considered it Tom’s. Until Kyle and his brothers could drag
the lumberyard out of debt and build it into a solid business like
the depot, it was just another burden Kyle had hefted onto his own
shoulders.

Standing beside Boyd in the middle of the
depot, Kyle realized that everything in his life had started
falling apart when Evelyn broke their engagement. She’d said their
bond of friendship wasn’t enough to make a good marriage, that
their relationship was missing passion. She’d found that passion
with Radford.

Kyle had found himself confused and
lonely.

Marriage to Amelia hadn’t relieved the
emptiness at all, but Kyle thought he might finally understand what
Evelyn had been trying to explain about the power of passion. His
physical reaction to Amelia was intense, a need that drove him
recklessly forward despite his attempt to hold back. No errant
thoughts had scampered through his head while kissing her. He’d
been caught up in every nuance of Amelia’s mouth, the intriguing
scent of flower and soap in her hair and the softness of her body.
She had captured his attention completely, and he’d wanted her with
a desperation he’d never before felt.

But by his own choice Kyle had endured
another night of lying beside his wife while his body ached for
release. She’d been tired and grieving for her father, and though
Kyle had wanted her, he knew she really did need time to heal.

A hard fist slammed into Kyle’s shoulder and
shattered his thoughts. Boyd frowned at him. “Will you answer my
question?”

Kyle rubbed the knot in his right arm and
stared at his brother. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve been talking to you for two minutes and
you haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

“Well, what do you want?”

“For you to pay attention.” Boyd cocked his
head and studied Kyle. “Have you slept at all in the past two
nights?” Kyle opened his mouth, but Boyd raised his hands, palms
forward. “Don’t answer that.”

“I haven’t. So don’t hit me again if you
don’t want to get knocked on your skinny ass.”

“I have a great ass,” Boyd said, but when
Kyle didn’t rise to the bait, Boyd laughed. “Is married life that
bad?”

“Don’t ask.” Kyle rubbed his temples and
closed his gritty eyes. His head ached, and for the first time in
two days, he honestly believed he could crawl into bed beside
Amelia and actually
want
to sleep.

“I’m not trying to pry, Kyle, but I’ve been
wondering why you and Amelia got married.”

“We wanted to.”

Boyd arched an eyebrow as if to dispute
Kyle’s comment.

“All right. Fine. The school board found me
in her apartment.”

“What the hell were you doing there?”

“Trying to break our agreement to buy her
father’s mill.”

Guilt slowly replaced the shock in Boyd’s
expression. “I never told you to go there, Kyle.”

Kyle shifted his attention to the team of
horses hauling a drag of logs into the mill building. “Why do you
always say I’m an ass with women?”

“Oh, boy. This is bad.” Boyd rolled his eyes.
“Why couldn’t you be having this conversation with Duke? Or
Radford? Or with anyone but me?”

“Because you’re the only one who can tell me
how to seduce my wife.”

“What!”

Kyle thought he might have to pry Boyd’s jaw
off his chest. Knowing he’d finally managed to shock his wild-ass
brother into silence made Kyle’s day.

Boyd scrubbed his palms over his face,
glanced around the yard, then shook his head. “I must be
sleepwalking.”

Kyle would have laughed if he wasn’t so
miserable. “Welcome to my nightmare.”

Rays of sun slanted across the side of Boyd’s
face, highlighting his expression of disbelief. A pine-scented
breeze flipped his hair across his forehead, but he didn’t even
blink. Behind him, two men led a team of horses from the barn,
yelling good morning as they passed. Boyd still didn’t budge.

“Will you be over your shock soon? We have
work waiting for us,” Kyle said, barely able to squeeze the words
past his pride.

Boyd snorted. “You’re serious, aren’t
you?”

Kyle knew then that the stress had finally
pushed him over the edge. Every ounce of his common sense had
deserted him. He had to be insane to be discussing anything this
personal with Boyd. Hell, to be talking about it with
anyone
was insane.

“You really want to know why you’re an ass
with women?” Boyd asked.

No. But if Kyle ever wanted to consummate his
marriage, he’d better find out. “Try not to enjoy yourself too much
while relaying the gruesome details.”

“I’ll make you a deal,” Boyd said. “You
promise to have my money for me in three weeks and I’ll teach you
every seduction trick I know.”

“I can’t even promise that we’ll be in
business next week, much less have your money for you.”

“Then I’m going to ask Richard for a
loan.”

Kyle’s gut clenched, but he resisted the urge
to grab Boyd’s neck and shake some sense into him. “You aren’t
going to let this go, are you?”

“No.”

Kyle nodded, realized nothing he could say or
do would change Boyd’s mind. “All right,” he said, finally
swallowing the bitter reality that Boyd was going to leave him.
“Don’t take out a loan. If your business fails—”

“It won’t fail.”

“Well, if the damn building burns down and
you lose everything, you’ll
still
have to pay back the
bank. And don’t bother telling me about insurance. A simple
fistfight can bust up a bar pretty badly. A windstorm is hell on a
roof and windows. Dammit, Boyd, there are all kinds of losses that
can ruin you before you have half a chance to make a go of it. So
just wait.” Kyle huffed out a breath, knowing he couldn’t change
Boyd’s mind. “I’ll get your money, but I need some time.” He met
his brother’s eyes. “I’ve just made the worst investment mistake of
my life. Right now, I need your help.”

Irritation filled Boyd’s expression and he
turned away.

“I can’t manage all this on my own.”

As if ignoring Kyle would block out the fact
that he was asking for help, Boyd stared across the yard.

“I have a wife and mother-in-law to support
now.”

Boyd’s shoulders tensed and he started to
walk away.

“Christ, Boyd, don’t make me beg.”

“Damnation!” Boyd kicked a thick slab of bark
and it shattered against a log, then he let loose a long torrent of
cuss words that even Kyle had to admire.

He waited for Boyd’s anger to burn down.

“It’s driving me crazy spending every day of
my life here. I need a change. I’m going to buy that tavern, so
just get that through your thick head.”

“Fine.”