The Loner (20 page)

She was loving him back. He hadn’t imagined it. Could hardly believe it.

He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. And shuddered at what he found. Acceptance. And a desire as fierce as his own.

He picked her up and carried her to one of the stalls, grabbing a saddle blanket along the way. He threw it down onto the straw and kicked it open, then lay her down. He shucked his jeans and pajama bottoms, then pulled off her panties. Though her breathing was labored, she lay quiescent as he braced his hands on either side of her and lowered his body onto hers. He felt her shiver as their flesh met.

The stall smelled of hay and horses and leather and was shaded from the harsh light above them by a wall of knotholed wooden planks. Billy looked into her eyes, and saw they were shadowed, fearful, worried. His body was taut with the need to thrust inside her.

“I want you,” he rasped. “I need you.”

“I want you, too,” she said breathlessly.

His heart lurched. It seemed he’d been waiting an eternity to hear those words. They’d only been married a month, but he’d loved her—how many years? He couldn’t stop to count now. His mouth was needed elsewhere.

He kissed her throat, and her guttural moan made his groin tighten. He touched her with his hands everywhere, seeking the places that made her undulate against him, the places that made her moan and writhe with need, the places that made her gasp with surprise and delight.

She was already wet when he finally slid a finger inside her, but tight, very tight. He added another finger, and she stiffened.

He made a grunting sound and she said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said.

She stiffened and said, “Something’s wrong. Tell me.”

He met her gaze and said, “You’re small.”

She looked frightened. “Am I? Is that bad?”

He hadn’t expected her fear, wasn’t ready for it. “Have you had problems before?”

“Before?” she echoed.

“When you’ve made love,” he said.

“I haven’t ever done this before.”

He withdrew his hand. “Are you telling me you’re a virgin?”

She blushed fiery red, crossed her arms over her breasts, and turned her face aside.

He grasped her chin and made her look at him. “Are you untouched?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

He lowered himself beside her and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight and rocking her. “Oh, God,” he said. “I never dreamed… I never hoped. Thank you. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she muttered against his shoulder.

An enormous swell of joy made his chest feel like it might burst. The joy came out as laughter. “I wasn’t thanking you,” he said. “I was thanking God.”

“He had nothing to do with it,” she said. “I just never found anybody who made me feel…like you do when you kiss me.”

“What about Geoffrey?” he asked.

“He agreed to wait until we got married.”

“Thank God.”

She hid her face against his shoulder and asked, “Why did you stop?”

“I was surprised.” He lifted her chin again, so he could see her eyes and added, “And pleased.”

“I don’t know how to do this. I won’t be able to please you.”

“You already please me,” he said. “And we’ll teach each other what we like.”

He frowned as he realized he was probably going to hurt her, because she was a virgin. And that he might not have another chance to show her how good it could be between them.

“What’s wrong now?” she asked.

“You see too much,” he said.

“Just tell me.”

“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

“Isn’t it supposed to hurt the first time?”

He shook his head. “Not always. Anyway, I don’t want to hurt you ever, at all.”

“What you were doing before didn’t hurt,” she said. “It just felt… strange. I felt… full.”

He felt his erection pulsing. He kissed her and rolled over so he was under her, settling her on his lap with her legs on either side of his hips. “I think this will work better if you’re the one controlling things.”

“I like the sound of that,” she said with a mischievous grin. She laid her hands flat on his chest and leaned forward to kiss him deeply, languidly. “I’d be happy just kissing all night.”

“Then that’s where we’ll start,” he said.

He started over from the beginning, kissing her, caressing her, letting her discover what made her feel good, arousing her passion. He was glad he knew enough to bring her pleasure. Selfishly glad she had never given herself to another man. Dying from the need to be joined with her.

At long last she moaned and said, “I want you inside me. How should I—What should I—”

He lifted her hips and positioned her so that he was poised to broach her. “Your call,” he said, his breath caught in his throat. “Take all the time you need.”

She pushed downward a little with her hips and made a grunting sound, then slid back up.

He moaned.

“Did I hurt you?” she asked.

He gripped her hips to keep her from bolting, as it
seemed she might. “I’m fine,” he said. “It felt good. Really, really good,” he said, explaining the noise he’d made.

“Oh.” He heard the surprise in her voice. And the satisfaction. “How’s this?” she asked, sliding back down.

“Good. Great,” he corrected. “Keep it up.”

She grinned and sank lower, pulled back up, then inched farther down. “Oh,” she said. “It does feel good. I’m so full. You’re so hard.”

He gripped her hips but resisted the urge to push her down, determined to let her join their bodies at her own speed. “Are you all right?” he asked.

She flinched as she finally settled on top of him. “You’re big,” she said, wriggling around.

He moaned again. “Good God, woman. You’re killing me.”

She started to rise, and he gripped her hips and held her down. “Now it’s my turn.”

He turned her beneath him and watched the concern on her face turn to surprise, and then delight, and finally ecstasy, as they moved together in the ageless dance of lovers.

He touched her with his hands, finding the bud that had unfurled just for him. “Stay with me,” he urged as he felt her body begin to convulse, even as he felt his own racing toward orgasm. “Stay with me.”

And she did, her hips arching upward, her head thrown back, an unnatural sound that was part groan, part savage snarl issuing from her throat. He felt his seed erupting into her, and held her tight as his growl of satisfaction joined her own.

They clung together, sweat-slick bodies still joined,
lungs bellowing, unwilling to let the real world back in, denying for a few more precious moments the troubles that had brought them here in the first place.

Billy would have fallen asleep if he hadn’t been so aware of the woman in his arms. He wanted to be sure she was all right. He wanted to know he’d brought her pleasure.

He wanted to be sure she had no regrets.

He waited until his breathing and hers had slowed and separated their bodies. At long last, he opened his eyes and found her staring back at him. With wonder. And fulfillment.

“We should be getting back to the house,” he said.

She lowered her gaze and bit her lip, then looked into his eyes and said, “Billy, we need to talk.”

He felt like jumping up and running. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say. Before he could move, she leaned forward and kissed his lips, gently and sweetly, and said, “Please, Billy.”

He sighed in resignation. If she was going to leave him, there was nothing he could do to stop her. “All right, talk,” he said brusquely. “What is it you want to say?”

“You need to talk with your mother.”

When he tried to object, she put her fingertips against his lips.

“Please listen to me. She wants to apologize. She wants to—”

He grabbed her wrist and moved her hand away from his mouth. “What difference can it possibly make?” he said. “It’s all over and done with. She can’t change the past any more than I can.”

“She can say she’s sorry.”

“Then what?”

“You forgive her, so she can die in peace.”

Billy snorted. “Why should I?”

“Because she’s your mother, and you love her,” Summer said.

“Have you forgiven your mother for what she did to you?”

Summer looked startled. “What do you mean?”

“For having an affair with another man and conceiving you with him. For letting Blackjack believe you’re his daughter. For letting you believe it. And for admitting the truth when she knew it would hurt you.”

“I…”

“I’ll forgive my mother when you forgive yours.” Billy rose and reached for his pajama bottoms and dragged them on, then threw his jeans over his shoulder. She dragged on her pink undies.

He picked up her torn T-shirt and handed it to her. “Sorry about that. Maybe it can be mended.”

“I’ll throw it away and get—” Summer stopped and stared at him, stricken. She could no longer afford to throw things away and buy new.

“I’ll mend it,” she mumbled.

He grabbed her hands and pulled her onto her feet, then took the T-shirt and stuck her arms in the holes, dressing her as though she were Will’s age, then pulling the two sides together in front. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I got you into this.”

She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the mouth, her lips a little damp and incredibly soft. “I knew
exactly what I was doing, Billy,” she said. “And I’m not sorry. So there.”

“I’m glad,” he said. “Thank God you’re taking birth control pills. At least we don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant.”

She blanched. “Uh-oh.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“I only started taking pills because I was going to marry Geoffrey. I brought them with me because I thought I’d finish the month, but when you said it wasn’t going to be a real marriage, I stopped taking them.”

“So where does that leave us?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea.”

Billy shook his head. “I never should have come out here with you.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad? I’ve seen how unhappy you are, Summer. I know you want out of this marriage. The last thing I want to do is get you pregnant!”

“I’m not sorry we did this,” she said, her temper flaring. “And if you are—”

He pulled her close and pressed her cheek against his chest. “You were wonderful. Tonight was a memory I won’t forget. But we can’t do this again, Summer. We can’t be taking chances. I already have one kid I can barely afford to support. And your father’s cut you off, so—”

“I can get a job—”

“Who’ll take care of Will and my mom? We have to be realistic—”

“It’s too hard—”

He pushed her an arm’s distance away, grasping her shoulders so tightly he saw her wince. “Life is hard. The sooner you understand that the better.”

Summer jerked herself free and snarled, “Fine. We won’t do this again. I wouldn’t want to add to your burdens by getting pregnant.”

She turned and headed for the door.

“Summer,” he called after her.

She stopped but didn’t turn around.

“Being with you was wonderful. Tonight was a memory I won’t forget.”

She angled her head to look at him over her shoulder and said, “Unfortunately, neither will I.”

S
UMMER PRETENDED TO BE ASLEEP WHEN
B
ILLY
woke the next morning. Will’s painful gums had kept him from sleeping soundly, and she’d gotten up with him in the middle of the night and stayed up till nearly dawn. Billy had offered to help, but she’d reminded him that he had to spend the next day on horseback, while she could sleep in. She was counting on Billy to feel too guilty to wake her up to have coffee with him, a wifely duty she’d performed every morning over the past month.

She couldn’t face him after last night.

She’d been more than a little frightened at the prospect of having sex for the first time with Billy, because he had a reputation with women that was as wild as his reputation for making trouble. She was afraid he wouldn’t want to bother with someone who had no experience.

She’d thought all that stuff about men desiring their wives to be virgins was propaganda to keep women from experimenting. She’d been surprised—and moved—to see how much it meant to Billy that he would be the first man to make love to her. It had warmed her heart to see
how gentle and tender—and passionate—a lover he had been.

She’d been basking in the glow of their lovemaking, her heart full with everything she’d just experienced, when he’d proceeded to rip and tear and stomp out what remained of their precious interlude together.

He thought she wanted out of the marriage. He expected her to cut and run now that the going had gotten tough. It hurt to know he had so little faith in her.

And, oh, by the way, making love to her once was plenty. He didn’t want any child of theirs coming into the world by mistake, so he was willing to forgo any further activity of that sort. It was humiliating to think something that had meant so much to her had meant so little to him.

Summer rolled over and stared at the crack in the ceiling plaster. It seemed she’d been trying to prove herself all her life—first to her father and now to Billy—and always came up wanting. She felt like running far, far away. Tahiti sounded perfect, strange and exotic, an ideal escape from all her troubles.