The Last Testament: A Memoir (19 page)

¹⁵
It is fine.

¹⁶
I am merely their Creator; he who chose them above all others; that is all.

¹⁷
I know how busy they are, what with their secret meetings about law and finance and entertainment; I shall abide.

¹⁸
So I slaved in heaven for 6,000 years; what is that to them?

CHAPTER 4

¹
W
hy is our faith different from all other faiths?

²
Why do all other religions get dozens of homelands, but we only get one tiny one, and then it never stops with the rocks and the bombs and the UN resolutions?”

³
I, the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe, am a strong supporter of the State of Israel.

⁴
Not as strong as the Christian right; but strong.

⁵
And my support for Israel is not political; it is not strategic; it is not ideological; it is not even religious.

⁶
It is romantic.

⁷
At the end of the Book of Revelation— I know, I know, but stick with me—John is given a vision of “a New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.”

⁸
It is an apt phrase; for the bond between Israel and the Jews is very much like unto a marriage; a marriage arranged by me, God, the Supreme Yentaty.

⁹
I remember the first time I told Abraham about Israel; I said she was a plentiful, bounteous land overflowing with milk and honey; I laid it on a little thick; I wanted it to work.

¹⁰
That first date took forever to schedule; the Jews were working like slaves, and when they finally got to leave it took them four decades just to find the place.

¹¹
But there she was, exactly where I said she would be; and as soon as the ancient Jews laid eyes upon her it was love at first sight.

¹²
The war... the slaughter... the total annihilation of town after town . . . ah, the crazy things a people does when it is young and in love.

¹³
For a time, Israel and the Jews were inseparable.

¹⁴
I lorded over my Chosen People like a proud father snapping photos before a prom; I was happy for them; they had settled on the right territory to make an honest nation out of them.

¹⁵
How much attention did they lavish upon her most famous asset, Jerusalem; how blissful did they feel when they entered its holiness, then withdrew, spent, from inside her temples.

¹⁶
And then they took the plunge; David made it official, and declared them kingdom and people.

¹⁷
But they were not yet ready to be the kind of husband Israel needed; they were weak, and did not have the strength to sustain the union.

¹⁸
And so stronger and wealthier men of every description declared their love for her, and pushed them aside: Babylonians, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Arabs, Ottomans, the British; a veritable
Who’s Who
of Screw the Jew.

¹⁹
Israel gave herself willingly to them; to each she offered food and shelter, and those who possessed her considered themselves blessed above all men.

²⁰
Blame her not; she had no choice but to lie there and take it.

²¹
And where were the Jews? Away on a long business trip; abiding nightmarish meetings in unfriendly surroundings, and living out of a suitcase.

²²
They sought happiness elsewhere: Spain, and Eastern Europe, and other parts of the Middle East; but somehow it never worked out; it grew tiresome, then downright Diasporating.

²³
And always, the perusal of their sacred scrapbook kept them yearning for that innocent time so long ago when the two of them were together, in an innocent world free of expulsions and inquisitions and pogroms.

²⁴
Some called them Zionists, but I called them homesick.

²⁵
The only way to win Israel back would be to show the world the depth of their need for her; and that could only be done through an act of supreme sacrifice.

²⁶
Six million sacrifices later, the need’s depth was established.

²⁷
And now she belongs to the Jews once more; they have their woman back, and lo, they have treated her right.

²⁸
They have raised her up once more into a great nation, thanks in no small part to their beloved uncle Samuel.

²⁹
And the Jewish people are a much better husband now; more ardent; more jealous; more willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage going, up to and including splitting an atom.

³⁰
It is rare in this life that a couple gets a second chance at love; and as the one who fixed up Israel and the Jews all those millennia ago, it makes me happy to see them reunited.

³¹
And all of this has been by way of prelude to an exciting announcement:

³²
In honor of thy upcoming 64th anniversary, I will be visiting Israel at the end of 2012!

³³
Yea, me and a host of very special guests will be coming down from heaven to visit the New Jerusalem, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

³⁴
And lo, do I have
lots
of very special festivities planned!

³⁵
Next year . . . in Jerusalem!

CHAPTER 5

¹
W
hy is our faith different from all other faiths?

²
Why do all other religions not have six million people killed in a genocide and we do?

³
Seriously, what the fuck was that?”

⁴
OK, so about the Holocaust.

⁵
First of all, as I alluded to earlier and will clarify later, the 1940s—the 20th century in general—was a time when my involvement in terrestrial concerns was
extremely
limited.

⁶
That is not offered as an excuse; I am just providing broader context.

⁷
But when I returned from my sabbatical, and was told of the midcentury Teutonic unpleasantness, I was mortified.

⁸
I could not understand how those I had left in charge—all of them extremely competent, and all either Jewish or righteous
goyim
—had allowed such a cataclysmic event to befall the Chosen People.

⁹
For two hours I fumed, demanding an explanation, while Jesus and Moses and the Kids in the Halo looked down at the ground (from many miles above it) and shuffled their feet.

¹⁰
Finally, Raphael looked up.

¹¹
“Heavenly Father, thou dost not understand.

¹²
He had ‘it.’”

¹³
“What?”

¹⁴
“Hitler. He had ‘it.’”

¹⁵
I looked at the other angels.

¹⁶
“Angels, is this true?”

¹⁷
They nodded.

¹⁸
“How much?”

¹⁹
“Like thou wouldst not
believe
,” said Uriel.

²⁰
“Jesus, is this true?”

²¹
“Father, when he opened his mouth, I felt as if he could walk on water.”

²²
“Jesus Christ!”, I screamed; it was the only time I have ever shouted his name in that fashion.

²³
“And thou wert so swept up in his ‘it’-ness that thou didst nothing to prevent the extermination of over half the Jewish race?”

²⁴
“Forgive me, Father; there is no justification; but I know something about public speaking, and verily, that guy . . . lo, that guy . . .”

²⁵
He shook his head as his voice trailed off.

²⁶
“Moses!

²⁷
Thou art the founder of the Jewish people; and moreover, thou hast a bounteous supply of ‘it.’

²⁸
I have seen thee induce a throng of nearly a million people to march single-file through a narrow desert pass simply by raising thine eyebrow.

²⁹
Wilt thou now look me in the eye and say the sheer force of this man’s personality rendered even
thee
powerless to take action on behalf of thy own people?”

³⁰
I will never forget the look on Moses’s face at that moment.

³¹
It was so intense it felt palpable; as if his eyes were reaching out to mine, seeking some shred of sanity therein;

³²
But at the moment I had none to offer; I could only meet his gaze, and follow it as it slowly, slowly traveled downward, to land at last on his forearm...

³³
. . . and the faint outline of an erased swastika tattoo.

³⁴
Why the Holocaust?

³⁵
‘It’ happens.

GLOSSY ONES

(“On Celebrities”)

CHAPTER 1

1
C
elebrities are beloved of God; they are radiant in my sight; they are not merely famous people—they are my
Chosen
People.