The Keepers (9 page)

He tried. He f**kin tried. But
I didn’t let him. Yes I did not. I would’ve been something I could
like. Something with self-respect, with dignity and all those that
the unusual ones talk about. But it is life.

”
Yes, Rikki it
is life
,
”
The Voice
came back. It was the first time it was so clear
when he had a little bit of sobriety. It was growing
stronger.

“
Where did it
go wrong? Rikki? You have money, plenty. You can call over as many
prostitutes as you like. You can travel the world and you have the
means to do more. Much more. So what’s your problem?”

I don’t know. I am greedy and I
accept it. I want more. I want more. I want-

“
You want the
force which can move you. A purpose, a meaning. Is that what you
want?”

He considered this. And
considered all the rubbish he had done in his life. What was his
life about? He felt that he was just living to live. Not to do
anything else. He wanted something to do other than just live.

Yes, I want meaning.

“
Pathetic,
even your name has no meaning.”

A pause ensued and he
momentarily lost consciousness.

“
Say you build
something Rikki.”
The Voice woke him up.
“Say you build a building-the tallest in the world.
Magnificent, majestic, elegant. And that something you love very
dearly- don’t worry I know you have lost the concept of love. And
all this time, you nurture that building. But alas, there is one
who, when you build he destroys. I am not saying anything about god
or devil. No. It is that way Rikki, you try to build, there will
always be one or more out there trying to destroy. It is in life –
you will realise how evil you are Rikki. Many have tried to
build
but you have been destroying.
”

Dear voice in my head, what are
you talking about?

“
And if it is
nothing then it will be nothing that stands against the builder.
There is the mind- the most important and most valuable thing in
the universe. And you, you nefarious, contemptible, wicked,
degenerate, debased, corrupt, sinful creature- you have destroyed
the minds of many; too many. You have destroyed the constituents of
the building.”

I have not. No I have not. I
have not. It was already destroyed. This is how I found it.

“
You have not,
you say. Boy, Rikki, do you
not see
that you are one of the demons that are responsible for the
destruction?.. What message have you sent to the world with your
power Rikki? Think about it.”

Rikki paused. And thought about
the sum of his life’s influence. He knew the truth, but he wouldn’t
admit it yet and so instead:

I made them free. I made them
happy. I made them themselves. Freedom is the most importa-

“
No,”
The Voice
interjected. “
Freedom is bad. Freedom is wicked. Freedom destroys the
building. You should be careful what you are free from or you
might
just self-destruct...like some people I
know
. All the time humanity has been striving
away from evil, only to end up allowing it.”

There is no evil. There is no
good. There is only naturalness.

“
And only an
idiot would
agree
that evil and
good are not natural. You, here in your five-star apartment, you do
not see the evil out there, that is why you can afford to soil
yourself. Goodness and badness are alive Rikki. One requires much
work, the other no work because it is destruction. Anyway, anything
and everything that happens to one is because one deserves
it.”

I do not understand

“
Yes. You
deserve not to understand. You deserve to soil yourself. You
deserve to not have meaning. You deserve all that is happening. You
deserve to self-destruct.”

Tell me how I have destroyed
the building.

And
The
Voice
told him. And he knew what was bothering
him.
He was near the edge where self -destruction becomes
death. Near the point where self-destruction itself becomes
alive.

Why Rikki Why.
Couldn’t you see the obvious? You had
enough power as angels but you chose to become a demon. An
agent of badness. And now millions of children bear the seed of
your corruption in their minds. But I am not the only one.
He tried to console himself but it did not work,
the
badness
was alive now and reproducing
more than the goodness in his mind, unable to be contained.
Do I even deserve to go and wipe my ass?
He asked himself.
No I
don’t, so as punishment, for my sins, I will stay in bed
this way
the whole day until
tomorrow.

For weeks he stayed so. Like an
animal. Locked up in his apartment, first eating all the food he
had, then starving himself by not going out and buying anything and
when he wanted to go, he went in his pants. And he vomited daily
and these white pants and black shirt, were the clothes he had
changed into after the first time he had soiled himself. But now,
the white pants were brown with touches yellow and the black shirt
was like a black canvas with a rainbow painted on it. He was
horrible.

A banging of
the drums. In the jungle, Africa. In Iceland, in
Lond
o
n the Big Ben. Loud, banging.
Hard. Bang! Bang! Bang! Loud, very loud. Boom. The sound of a gun.
Rikki, them damned panks are shooting. Bang. In my heart. Bang in
my head. Bang, my leg blown off, my head, my arms. Bang. Bang.
Bang. Breathe. BREATHE! No banging. BREATHE!.

“
Rikki, go get
the door
,
”
his mother said.

“
Dammit boy,
get the door
,”
s
ome man he had never seen before said.

“
Wake up bro.
Get the door
,” Jared said.

Jared...Jared where are
you?
They are shooting. They’re shooting.
Dammit, I’m safe here. I’m fine here. I deserve this.
F**k!

“
Are you are
awake?”
The Voice
asked.

What do you
want?
Some
how the sound of The
Voice soothed his panic.

“
Someone is at
your door, Rikki.”

Tell them to go away.

“
Go away,”
Rikki said, shouting. Not
The Voice
.

“
I said go
f**king away. Dammit.” He shouted again, and stood up from the
white bedspread spoiled brownish. Pulling his pants up to his
waist, he tried to make his way to the door. The floor was
littered. Plastic wrappers, cups, plates, broken glass, scratched
walls, blood stained walls, soiled carpet. It was a
pigsty.

“
Yes Mr.
Chards. I have heard your voice and confirmed, well I assume that
everything is alright and I shall leave you.” The duty manager
smelled the foul odour he was told about through the whole
corridor.

It was the
duty manager.
It’s just the duty
manager
,
h
e said to
The
Voice
.

“
But one more
thing” the duty manager resumed after a moment. “We – no – I have
had several complaints about
peculiar
noises coming from this room by your neighbours, Mr. Chards,
such as screams and loud knockings against the walls or whatever”
He paused and thought of how to say the next part.

“
I have also
had complains about a foul odour emanating from your room, Mr.
Chards. I hope everything is alright
,” He
continued hesitatingly and
-

“
Go away. I
paid for the whole year. And I can do whatever I want.
Go
,” Rikki said.

“
I shall check
again in three days.”

Who talks like this. Like he
has something stuck up his ass.

“
Rikki, boy,
it is the civilised sort that speak such
,
”
The Voice
replied.

The duty manager’s footsteps
were audible as he headed towards the elevator, as well as the ping
sound the elevator made when it opened.

The elevator
to heaven. That’s it!
He shouted in his
mind and that was it.

”
I am not
god!” He shouted and shouted again several times and after all that
needed to be shouted,
The Voice
said
“
Rikki, you need a god and the first step
is to get yourself a bible. In your case any bible will
do.”

He considered and a light turned
on in his soul.

“
Yes. Yes.
Yes.,”
he said relieved by
the
discovery of
the solution.

-

The bible. The
only thing that was inspirational enough to have him get out of his
filthy bed, have him wash, have him cleaned up, and dressed up. The
bright yellow shirt did not at all match his bright purple skinny
short pants. His dreadlocks were braided and dyed green casting
such a contrast to his gold coloured sunglasses which were set on
his head and tinted yellow. H
is
black high
tops were made even longer by his black socks reaching up to the
knees.

“
You want to
dress like that? A
nyway I doubt anyone will recognize
you. You look so different- not in the better way.
”

He ignored The Voice.
I have seen a book-store down the road. They
might have bibles. We’ll buy one.
All this
talk about the bible gave him more and more inspiration to continue
his pathetic existence.

Then I don’t have to be guilty.
I read the bible. Everyone says god forgives. How many gods are
there. Voice, which bible.

“
They all
carry the same idea really.”
The Voice
replied. Faking enthusiasm in order to meet
Rikki’s.

-

“
I knows der’s
sumone in der, I saw you wit them bags, quit trippin
man
,”
h
e said
aggressively as he knocked on the wooden door of the book-store. He
had seen Lysei enter the book-store carrying plastic
bags.

Lysei came and opened the door
and let him in.

-

Did you see
that bitch
,
h
e asked
The
Voice
.

They was f**kin. I smelled
pussy.

The Voice
did
not reply but rather thought about how doomed Rikki was. His
enthusiasm was revealing the true Rikki; the perverted, arrogant,
selfish Rikki. Sure he was trying but his
self-destructiveness
was going to kill him. The
bible was simply a way of passing him on peacefully. His
badness
was going to kill him. He would never
change and within him there was a goodness and with that goodness
knowing that he would not change but continue to live an empty
existence the moment he became better, the goodness would use
regret, sorrow and guilt to lead him on to suicide. He would first
have to die in the mind so that he could kill himself in the flesh.
He would die for the greater good.

Good bye
Rikki.
The Voice
said as he entered his
apartment and it was the last time he heard
It
. He was alone now. Reading the bible, trying to get back on
top so he could again laugh at everyone else.

Three days later. The duty manager knocked,
knocked some more, called out Mr. Chards, shouted Mr. Chards but
there was no reply. He thought that maybe Rikki went out and
thought about how that would be better because what he had really
come for was to enter the apartment for inspection. Using his duty
manager magnetic strip card he opened the door. The noise had gone
down, but there were complaints of a foul odour different to the
one before and he smelled it now, very different from the one he
smelled three days ago. Like a dead cat, he thought. He entered and
found the room clean, neat, shockingly clean and neat. With the
sliding door opened to the balcony. But the smell was more horrible
inside and as he turned left towards the bedroom, he saw an
outstretch, motionless hand through the half opened door. He slowly
and carefully, as if walking on glass or on ice, went toward the
bedroom and the closer he got the more apparent the paleness of the
hand, and the more closer he got, the more apparent the ants and
maggots became and the more amplified the smell was and with his
right hand he covered his mouth and nose. He reach out a hand and
pushed further the half opened door and he saw the other hand, the
wrist with a razor blade stuck in it, he saw the carpet around the
body covered in dried blood,
t
hen
unconsciously he looked at the eyes being eaten by the maggots and
ants. Vomit escaped through the spaces between his fingers and he
tried to keep the rest in as he ran outside the room screaming
“Help!, Help!, Help!”. Rikki’s self-destruction was
complete.

On t
he day
that Rikki killed himself.

“
A most
interesting case. Now can you tell me what the he
ll
just happened, Sir First?”

“
He committed
suicide,”
The First
said trying to avoid
difficult answers. “What else is there too it?”