Wesley Crusher: Teenage F#ck Machine

Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine

By Kitty Glitter

And that’s where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl’s mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo’s penis.

The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.

“What is the meaning of this?” said Captain Picard.

Wesley stopped his fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.

“Sup Picard?” said Wesley.

“An orgy aboard the holodeck?” shouted Picard, “This is an outrage!”

Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.

Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.

“Your days of blathering on are over Picard,” said Moriarty, “now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal.”

“RIKER!” screamed Picard, “You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with.”

Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.

“Whatevs Picard,” said Wesley, “nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas.”

“NO!” cried Picard.

“Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!”

“Sure Wes,” said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.

“Moriarty c’mon let’s go!” said Wesley.

“Unfortunately sir Wesley I do not exist outside the confines of the holodeck,” said Moriarty.

“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”

Moriarty stepped out of the holodeck, “OMG! I am real now, this rules!”

“Okay guys,” said Wesley, “When I light this match the whole Enterprise is gonna go kaboom!”

“We’ve got room for seven in the SHO. Me, Meow, Mary-Sue, the two other girls, Moriarty and…”

“Wait, take me with you yo,” said Geordi Laforge as he ran into the chamber.

“Yo Geordi, what’s up?” said Wesley, “of course you can come. Let’s split!”

So Wesley Crusher, the three girls, Moriarty, and Geordi Laforge ran down to the loading dock and boarded the Taurus SHO. The SHO was the fastest ship in the galaxy; Meow Solo claimed it made the Lesben Run in under sixty-nine parclits.

“I am Captain Jean Luc Picard!” screamed Captain Picard as the lit match Wesley had thrown behind him ignited the space gas in the chamber.

The SHO shot off into space just as the Enterprise exploded, vaporizing Picard, the entire crew of the Enterprise, and even Wesley’s own mother Dr. Bev Crusher.

“Listen guys,” said Moriarty, “I am a professor of Mathematics, if we stay within eighty diameters of that explosion there is a seventy-three percent chance that the aftershocks could trigger an explosion inside our space gas tanks.”

“Speak English!” screamed Meow Solo.

“In laymen’s terms,” said Moriarty, “we must go faster!”

“Don’t worry professor,” said Meow Solo, “I’ve never made a run in less than sixty-nine parclits.”

“So you claim,” said Moriarty as he pulled a white handkerchief from his coat pocket and proceeded to mop his brow.

“Uh oh guys,” said Meow Solo.

“What?” said Wesley.

“I just checked the meter. We need space gas now!”

“We can’t pull over around here,” said Wesley.

“Why not?” said Geordi.

“It’s a Borg neighborhood. We’ll get totally assimilated.”

“Unfortunately my good Wesley,” said Moriarty, “we are going to have to take that risk. I just used my mathematics to check the meter and Meow Solo is correct. We are running on empty.”

Meow Solo pulled off the intergalactic exit and stopped at a Circle-K.

“Man oh man,” said Wesley as they pulled up to the pump.

“What’s wrong now?” said Meow Solo.

“That sign says Borg Blvd.”

“So?”

“Borg Blvd. is the most dangerous street in the universe.”

“Whatevsers,” said Geordi Laforge, “I ain’t afraid of no Borgs!”

“Pardon me for contradicting you Geordi but only a fool would choose to not regard the Borg with fear!” said Moriarty, “They are a foul race of white creatures covered in random pieces of electronic parts and they travel around in hot rod cubes forcing people to become just like them.”

“PREPaRE TO BE aSSIMILaTED,” said a loud robot voice.

“What the fuck?” said Wesley Crusher.

Wesley looked out the back window of the SHO to see a Borg scout cube pulled up behind them, headlights glaring like a thousand suns.

“Turn your fucking lights off now!” said Wesley.

Meow Solo said, “Don’t be an asshole Wesley, you’ll get us killed!”

“Turn those fucking lights off now!” said Wesley.

Wesley turned to Geordi.

“Yo toss me a football man.”

“Sure,” said Geordi as he tossed Wesley a football.

“I would not advise this course of action sir,” said Moriarty.

“Fuck you professor,” said Wesley, “you are like Sherlock Holmes’s archenemy and you are acting like a pussy.”

“My form of villainy is more cerebral dear Wesley,” said Moriarty.

Wesley pegged the football at the Borg cube, smashing the left headlight.

“Damn it Wesley,” said Meow Solo, “I thought I was the badboy around here!”

The Borg cube began to glow yellow and a small staircase lowered from it.

Six Borg men stepped out.

“Prepare to be assimilated,” said the Borg in unison, “resistance is futile.”

“Whatever!” said Wesley as he fired his phaser.

The phaser has no effect on the Borg as they advance upon Wesley Crusher and his crew.

The last thing Wesley remembered before passing out was a red laser beam shooting out of the Borg’s ocular implants and the sound of Meow Solo’s meowy scream!

When Wesley woke up he was strapped down to a surgical table in the Borg cube.

“Well hello Wesley, it’s me!”

Wesley looked up at the pale cybernetical creature that was once his friend Geordi Laforge.

“What did they do to you Geordi?”

“I’m Borgy now, Borgy Laborg. I have been assimilated. We all share one mind and soon you will join us Wesley!”

“No way,” Wesley spit out the razor hidden beneath his tongue and used it to cut the ropes binding his left wrist to the table. The razor sliced through them freeing his hands then Wesley used the razor to slit open Geordi’s throat.

Wesley was soon drenched in his former friend’s blood.

Wesley then used the razor to free Meow Solo from a nearby table.

“Wesley we must free the others!”

“I’m gonna kill all the stupid Borg,” said Wesley as he pulled his phaser out, “set phasers to kill!”

“No way man,” said Meow Solo as he pulled two laser axes from the straps that crossed the back of his brown leather vest.

“Take a laser axe! Borg are resistant to phaser fire and melee weapons are your only hope.”

“Whatever,” said Wesley, “just give me the axe.”

“Sir,” we received this communiquéh from Lt. Worf today,” said Tigron.

Kitteh Commander, a fluffy white tiger took the communiqué.

“Who is Lt. Worf?”

“The onleh surviveh of the USS Entehprise D,” said Tigron, “It was blown up by Ensign Wesleh Crusher, boy genius and former goodeh two shoes.”

“What would a goodeh two shoes be doing blowing up a federation ship?” said Kitteh.

“Apparentleh he’s a badboy now,” said Tigron.

“So the Federation needs the help of the Intergalactic Kittehs, eh?” said Kitteh Commander, “this Wesleh Crusher chap must be pretteh dangerous.”