The I Hate to Cook Book (46 page)

6 cups mashed raw apricots

1¼ cups mashed bananas

14 cups sugar

pinch of salt

1 tablespoon butter

1 bottle liquid pectin

juice of 1 orange and 1 lemon if you want a somewhat thinner jam

She brings the fruit, sugar, and salt to a rollicking full boil and keeps it that way for a minute while she stirs it constantly. Then she adds the butter, takes the pot off the burner, stirs in the liquid pectin, skims it, pours it into jars, and pours on the paraffin.

She has one more specialty, too, which she’ll carry on about for hours if you let her. Says it’s good by itself and tremendous with barbecued steak, chicken, or chops. She calls it her own

     HELLZAPOPPIN CHEESE RICE     

6 servings

4 eggs

1 cup milk

2 tablespoons minced onion

1 tablespoon Worcestershire

2 teaspoons salt

small pinch each of thyme and marjoram

1 pound grated sharp Cheddar

1 package chopped, cooked frozen spinach

4 cups cooked rice

¼ cup melted butter (½ stick)

She beats the eggs till they’re light. Then she adds the milk and all the seasonings. Finally, she folds in the cheese, spinach, and rice, and pours the whole works into a greased casserole. After she pours the melted butter over it, she sets it in a 375˚ oven to bake for thirty-five minutes, and she takes off her apron.

Understand now—you and Sugar Belle needn’t actually
make
these things. Unless you are absolutely up a stump and the chips are down, you merely need to
talk
about making them. For, while they’re all good and easy, still it is more trouble to make them than not to make them; and my feelings will not be a bit hurt if you don’t. I will understand.

I never thrust my nose into other men’s porridge.

It is no bread and butter of mine;

every man for himself, and God for us all.

—M
IGUEL DE
C
ERVANTES

OR DREARY DETAILS THAT YOU CERTAINLY HAVE NO INTENTION OF REMEMBERING

T
here are many more interesting things to fill your mind with than items like these. So just make a mental note that they are here, then consult these pages when it’s necessary.

What Equals What

3 teaspoons = 1 tablespoon

1 fluid ounce = 2 tablespoons

¼ cup = 4 tablespoons

cup = 5 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon

1 cup = ½ pint

2 cups = 1 pint

4 cups = 1 quart

3 small eggs = 2 large eggs

1 square chocolate = 1 ounce

¼ pound butter = ½ cup

1 pound shortening = 2½ cups

1 medium lemon = 3 tablespoons juice

1 medium orange = 6 to 8 tablespoons juice

1 grated orange rind = 1 tablespoon

What Substitutes for What
*

3½ tablespoons cocoa plus 1 tablespoon fat or oil = 1 square bitter chocolate

1½ tablespoons vinegar plus enough sweet cream to fill 1 cup; let it stand a few minutes = 1 cup sour cream

1 cup undiluted canned milk plus 1 tablespoon vinegar; let it stand a few minutes = 1 cup sour cream

½ cup canned milk, ½ cup water, plus 1 tablespoon vinegar; let it stand a few minutes = 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk

1 or 2 tablespoons vinegar plus enough sweet milk to fill the cup; let it stand a few minutes = 1 cup buttermilk or sour milk

1 teaspoon baking soda plus 2 teaspoons cream of tartar plus 1 teaspoon cornstarch = baking powder (use 2 teaspoons per cup of flour)

1 cup vegetable shortening plus ½ teaspoon salt = 1 cup butter (for baking only)

1 cup sifted all-purpose flour less 2 tablespoons = 1 cup cake flour

Various Tricky Ingredients in General

1 cup uncooked rice = about 3½ cups cooked

1 cup raw wild rice = 3½ to 4 cups cooked

Macaroni doubles itself

Noodles only grow a third

1¼ pound unshelled walnuts = about 2 cups chopped walnuts

2 cups grated cheese, firmly packed = ½ pound

1 cup (½ pint) whipping cream = about 2¼ cups, whipped

About Cans

The general rule is this: Whatever size can the recipe calls for, you can’t find it. Therefore, it is often handy to know just
how much
a particular can size contains.

Ordinary small tuna or minced clam can (6 to 7 ounces) = just under 1 cup

Ordinary soup can size (10½ to 12 ounces) = about 1¼ cups

Larger size, approximately 1 pound, give or take an ounce= about 2 cups

Larger still, 28 ounces = about 3½ cups

Peg Bracken
spent her life writing when she could, cooking when she had to, and seeing the world as only she could see it. Her first book,
The I Hate to Cook Book
, was published in 1960. It was a runaway best seller and a staple in kitchens across America. She passed away in the fall of 2007, leaving behind nine books, a multitude of articles, columns, pieces of light verse, and a family whom she loved… and who loved her.

Jo Bracken
was born in Portland, Oregon, and spent her childhood in the Pacific Northwest and Northern California. She graduated from Stanford University with a bachelor’s degree in communications, and later moved on to start two successful businesses. Now retired, she devotes considerable time and resources to various charities, working with incarcerated men and women and supporting primate sanctuaries across the country. She serves on the board of the local chapter of the American Red Cross and Chimps, Inc. in Bend, Oregon. She and her husband are insufferable pet parents who live in Long Beach, California, along with their two dogs and four cats.

*
If you don’t like this, leave it out.

*
Parboil means to boil briefly in water.

*
Make sure the butcher cracks them. Otherwise, though they’ll still taste good, they’ll look rather like rolled-up pants legs and be harder to eat.

*
To make this recipe lighter, use a 10½-ounce can of cream sauce with 5½ ounces of 1% milk. If you can’t find cream sauce in your supermarket, refer to pages 48–49. The recipe for Turkey Tetrazzini has a great one.

*
These are all emergency measures. Your finished product won’t be quite as good as if you had used what the recipe called for, but it will be adequate.