The Home For Wayward Ladies (39 page)

Eli throws his arm around me. He leans like he can no longer support his own weight, which has grown quite considerable since Robin became head chef. “Give me some wine,” he says, “I need this balance out this high in case they want me to make a speech.”

I hand him a plastic cup and he slugs back the cure to his cottonmouth. “Look at Nicholas and Danny,” I say, perhaps a bit too dreamily. “They fit so well together. You can barely tell where one stops and the other begins.”

“Good for them” Eli replies. This time, he means it. “They’ve found what the rest of us are doomed to spend our lives searching for.”

“Which reminds me: Danny mentioned that he has news for us. What do you think it is?”

“I haven’t the foggiest,” Eli replies, “but you’ve taught me not to trust surprises. Hey, lovebirds- quit sucking face and come here.”

“What do you want?” Nicholas says, burying his face in Danny’s neck.

“A genie who’s going to grant me a better life than this. And to find out what news your boyfriend has to share.”

“News?” Nicholas asks. “Danny- what’s he talking about?”

Danny wrestles Nicholas away so he can approach. “Yes, of course,” he says, “big news! Well, it’s time that I was honest with you two- I haven’t been exactly forthright about my intentions for sending you here. You see, even if Nicholas had not been in this show, I’d still have come to see it.” Nicholas stamps his foot and impatiently waits to be appeased. “Sorry, Baboo, but that’s the truth- and you’re to thank. Ever since I met this bundle of joy, he’s been gnawing my ear off about how talented his best friends are. I needed to see for myself. When Mandy called to ask if I knew of anyone capable of tackling these jobs, it was my first thought to recommend you two.”

“And how’d we do?” asks Eli.

“Brilliantly, Ladies,” Danny replies. “Just brilliantly. Not to say I’m at all surprised- Mandy’s been phoning me with progress reports since rehearsals began.”

At the mention of her name, Mandy draws near. “Guilty,” she says through her gawky smile. 

“That’s your big news?” Eli says. “Danny Olsen, you’re a snake in the grass- sending us out of town to see if we’re worth bringing back while you employ familial spies.”

“I promise it was for a just cause,” Danny answers. “Nicholas may not have mentioned it, but I’ve recently optioned a new property that I’m taking off-Broadway next season. After what I saw tonight, I want you two to helm the creative team.” 

Eli and I find ourselves wrapped around Danny in an embrace that fits more soundly than a pig in one of Lorna’s blankets. “Nicholas, darling,” I says, “your boyfriend ought to buy you a plantation because you sure know how to pick ‘em. Danny, you spectacular man, are you sure?” He nods. “However can we thank you?”

“For starters, you could say ‘yes’.”

“Yes,” I say, “yes, yes, a million times- yes!” Nicholas joins in as we jump and squeal with glee.  

“And since I’m already welcoming people to the family, I might as well kill two birds with one stone.”

And what a stone it is. My eyes cannot behold the majesty of the diamond in the ring that Danny is presenting. He turns to Nicholas and gets down on one knee. The shock ripples through the crowd until it is so quiet you could hear a mouse break wind.

“Nicholas, darling, ever since I met you, my life hasn’t been the same. You’re the reason that I want to make it in this world- so I can provide a better life for you. Sending you out on tour was an agony I won’t repeat. I can’t live another day without you.” He pauses to wipe a tear from his eye. “Nicholas, will you marry me?”

Nicholas looks around the room to make sure everyone is watching before he replies. “Of course,” he says, before quickly throwing in, “but I’m keeping my last name.”

“Once an Applebaum, always an Applebaum,” Danny replies. “So, is that yes, my love?”

“Just tell me where to sign.”

Their kiss carries so much passion that everyone can see how love will guide them to their dying days. It’s a happy moment, and I’m happy for my friend. Jealous? A little, sure. I’d be lying if I said otherwise, and the new dictum among us Ladies bequests we deliver nothing but the truth. But for now, only congratulations are apropos. Except for Robin of course, who plays the scene like Shirley MacLaine at Debra Winger’s bedside at the end of
Terms of Endearment
.

He pushes past the gathering well-wishers (which surprisingly include each and every Vallenzino) and sticks a pointed finger to Danny’s chest. “You don’t even have the decency of asking for my daughter’s hand before carrying her away? I don’t even know you. How do I know you’re good enough for my Nicholas?”

“I’m… sorry?” Danny replies, unsure of how to tactfully handle the assault without a can of Mace. “We haven’t met, but I thought you were wonderful in the show.”

“Don’t butter me up with kind words, pretty boy. You Ladies are about to venture out on the beginning of some fabulous lives. Well, what about poor withered old me?”

“Robin, please,” Nicholas says, “stick a rag up there- you’re leaking. I have an idea. If you’re so concerned about us never seeing you again, then host my wedding at your estate. If you say yes, I’ll be here every other weekend so we can laugh at the ugly girls in bridal magazines while we map out the details.”

“Do you really mean it?” Robin replies. 

“As long as my fiancé doesn’t mind,” Nicholas says. “You don’t, do you, Danny?”

“You’re already making me the happiest man alive. If you want to get married here, then I’ll consider us even.”

“Then that settles it,” Robin announces. “Your wedding will be at The Harmonia Gardens!”

Danny ponders while the crowd cheers again, “Wait- you named your house after the restaurant in
Hello, Dolly
?”

“You’re a smart boy, Danny, but don’t interrupt. Sweet merciful crap, there’s so much planning to do…”

Nicholas stops him. “Don’t put the cart before the horse, grandmama. Weddings are a lot of this or that, so I want to get some tough decisions out of the way. Eli and Hunter will co-chair as my Best Men. And, Robin, I’d be honored if you’ll be my Matron of Honor.”

Robin daubs at the mascara he applied post-show. “Didn’t I tell you boys that the Poconos are a land of enchantment?” 

For the first time since I’ve known him, Eli has nothing to say. Rather, he raises his plastic cup as if it were an act of compliance. Without recapturing his gaze, I’m left to do the same. When I drink, I swallow hard.

Nicholas and Danny are whisked into the crowd. Everyone wants to shake their hands and pinch their cheeks. Eli’s are flushed and rosy. I know what he’s thinking; after all, I can practically read his mind. It could have been us that was being toasted. But it’s not. And for now, at least, that will have to be okay.

JEREMY SCOTT BLAUSTEIN
is a Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle Award nominated producer. He's worked on numerous Broadway shows including Bonnie & Clyde, Chinglish, The Merchant of Venice (with Al Pacino), Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, A Life in the Theatre (with Patrick Stewart), Enron, All About Me, Race (with James Spader and Kerry Washington), Superior Donuts, Desire Under the Elms (with Brian Dennehy), Reasons to be Pretty, HAIR (Tony Award, Drama Desk Award, Drama League Award, Grammy Award), Blithe Spirit (with Angela Lansbury), You’re Welcome America (with Will Ferrell), Speed-the-Plow (with Jeremy Piven and William H. Macy), and August: Osage County (Tony Award, Drama Desk Award, Drama League Award, New York Drama Critics Circle Award, Outer Critics Circle Award, Pulitzer Prize). He received his BFA from Shenandoah University.
The Home for Wayward Ladies
is his first novel.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS



To Trey Mitchell, Gregory Castoria, and Morgan Christopher: your love is my ultimate inspiration. Thank you for making the truth as beautiful as fiction.

To Jason McKelvy for never leaving my side- not even now. I hope you get a chance to read this wherever you are.

To my mother, Michele Blaustein, for all your encouragement (even though I wouldn’t let you read a word).

To my brother, Matthew Blaustein, for all the dinners out that I otherwise couldn’t afford.

To my father, Howard Blaustein, for harboring my fugitive dog.

To Emily Lawson for believing in me before I dared to believe in myself.

To Eric Stewart for sitting through dozens of impromptu readings without ever pulling out your hair.

To Robert Parkison for reminding me that it will all be worth it in the end.

To Terry Glikin who has been expressly forbidden by her son to ever read this book.

To Emily and Jason Matthews for causing me infinite joy.

To Alex Smith for keeping me company on my own fucked up planet.  

To Stefanie Rudo, Rachel and Jake Pototsky, for your constant commiseration.

To Sylvia Solomon, Lois and Arnold Rudo, Rachel and Andre Blaustein, Sharon and Eddie Blaustein (and Ryan, Rachel, and Robbie), and Wendie and John Cassini (and Gabrielle).

To Brisa Tinchero and Roberta Periera for giving me a reason to organize my insanity.

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