The Hidden (The Hidden Trilogy) (34 page)

I was so embarrassed my face felt like it was on fire. “
Yes
, okay?”

He laughed and kissed my shoulder. “Doesn’t feel so good to be grilled about your sexual past, does it?”

“You’re a jerk.” I swatted him on the arm as my mouth pressed into a hard line to keep from smiling.

His face grew serious as he trailed his fingertips up the inside of my knee and higher up the inside of my thigh. “I like that no one’s touched you before.”

“Me, too.” And I meant it. I’d trade all the awkward, fumbling make out sessions I’d had for
one
touch from Thomas.

He cupped the side of my face, his thumb ghosting over my lips. “I would’ve waited for you if I’d known.”

My chest tightened at his bittersweet words. “Really?”

He nodded. “This is important, and I want it to be special for you. I feel like…I don’t know, like I’ve tainted it for you because I’m not–”

I held my hand up to his mouth, silencing him. “It
is
special.
You
make it special.”

He kissed the inside of my hand, and I stroked his cheek, taking in everything about him. His smile. The way he looked at me in complete awe, like a kid on Christmas morning. The way his shaggy hair draped across his forehead…

I wanted to remember this moment for the rest of my life.

Emily pulled me atop her and kissed me–slow and deep–as I settled my hips between her thighs. I reached between us, gripping myself, as I slid my tip up and down her folds, spreading her arousal to make it easier for me to enter her. My eyes slid closed, reveling in her heat.

I already knew I wasn’t going to last long at all. Maybe a minute, tops.

Aligning myself with her entrance, I pushed forward, feeling the head of my erection disappear into warm, wet, tightness as she enveloped me.

Holy mother of–

Forget lasting a whole minute of this, I was about come now, and I wasn’t even a fourth of the way–

Emily tensed, her walls clamping around me as she gripped my shoulders, her thighs locking my hips into place. I instantly stilled, looking down into her eyes, wide with panic.

My heart pounded against my ribcage, my body urging me to thrust, thrust,
thrust
. I trembled with the amount of effort it took to remain still. “You okay?”

She nodded, her brows puckered with worry. “Just a little nervous… I know it’s gonna hurt.” Her heart beat just as furiously against my chest–a steady rhythm between the two of us. She slowly unclenched her thighs, but her hands remained firm on my shoulders.

My rock-hard shaft screamed and throbbed with need as my breathing became labored, trying to stave off my desires. “Do you want me to make it quick?” I asked, swallowing between breaths. “Like a band-aid?”

She nodded, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth.

I fisted the sheets next to her head, my internal struggle causing a light sheen of sweat to break out over me. “Okay… On the count of three?”

She nodded again, her body relaxing the tiniest bit. It was all I needed.

I watched her in the dim light, mesmerized by the flecks of gold staring back at me. “One–”

My hips surged forward, sheathing myself inside her and joining us as one.

Chapter Fifty-Four

I gasped at the immediate sting from my body stretching and making room for Thomas, my back arching as I instinctively tried to move away from the source of pain.

He pinned me down with his hips, stilling inside me as he dropped his head to my neck. His breathing was frantic. “
I’m sorry
… I thought it’d be easier if I just…”

I clutched his shoulders, slick with sweat. “It’s okay.” It was probably a good thing he’d done it this way, when I wasn’t expecting it and wasn’t tense.

His breathing leveled out, but I felt his heart pounding next to mine. He lifted his head and looked down at me, his hair sticking to his forehead. “Can I keep going?”

It hurt, but I didn’t care. I wanted to experience him like this.

I nodded, trying not to wince as he slowly started rocking his hips back and forth, moving inside me. The feeling was foreign, but nice, and the pain dulled considerably after several seconds. Considering his size, I’m surprised it didn’t hurt
more
.

Thomas squeezed his eyes shut, pleasure and pain warring on his features as he gripped the sheet on either side of my head. I’m sure it was hard for him to go as slow as he was, and I appreciated his effort.

His hips pressed against mine, then withdrew, only to thrust forward again. He did this over and over, his breathing labored as I felt his thickness fill and stretch me repeatedly. His hair tickled my face as he hovered above me. I trailed my fingers down his back, gripping his hips as he moved within me.

He groaned and pressed his face into my hair, nuzzling me, his breath warm on my skin. “I love you, Em.
So much
.”

A tear fell down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, afraid he might get the wrong impression. “I love you, too,” I whispered.

This was everything I’d hoped for. Everything I’d dreamed it’d be. It was a perfect moment.

He lifted his head, a bead of sweat dripping down his nose. It fell on my chest, and I pushed his matted hair out of his face as he kissed me, tasting a hint of salt on his lips.

His heavy breathing sped, his hand releasing the sheet to grasp my hip. Fingers splayed, he gripped me and thrust harder, his pelvic bone digging into me as his pace quickened.

I couldn’t help but wince, the sudden increase more than I could handle.

“I can’t…stop.” He peered down at me, eyes panicked as he tried to slow himself, the veins in his neck popping out from the strain.

“It’s okay.” I kissed him and wrapped my legs around his waist, opening myself up more. Pain be damned. I
wanted
him to have this. I wanted to be good for him.

He looked guilt-stricken as he buried his face into my neck. “
Oh, God
,” he breathed. “I’m sorry.”

The little sting was now a searing pain as he moved atop me, his shaft demanding and unrelenting, though he didn’t push as hard as I knew he wanted. It still felt like I’d been split in two. I gripped his slick back, trying not to tense. That’d only make it worse.

He groaned, clutching me to him as he tensed and thrust forward, staying there as warm liquid flooded my insides. He shuddered a few times before his body went lax, collapsing on top of me.

Nuzzling his nose just under my ear, he breathed, “I’m so sorry,” over and over again.

I ran my fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his heated, sticky skin. “Don’t be.” The pain had subsided quickly, leaving behind a dull, throbbing ache in my core. It’d feel like hell tomorrow, but it was well worth it.

He leaned up and slipped out of me, taking the warmth of his semi-erect shaft with him. Even though it had hurt, I still liked having him there. It was as close as we could physically get, and I couldn’t
wait
to do it again…though I should probably hold off a couple days to heal up.

And next time it shouldn’t hurt as bad.

He gnawed on his lip as he sat up. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, babe. Don’t worry.” I felt something trickle out of me, so I sat up, giving him a quick peck. “Be right back.”

Climbing off the bed, I grabbed my underwear on the way to the bathroom. My hips felt stiff and disjointed as I walked. Inside the bathroom, I cleaned myself off, wiping away the remnants of our lovemaking as it dripped out of me.

One thing the movies left out: sex could be messy.

There was a tiny amount of blood on the toilet paper when I wiped, but I’d figured there would be, considering Thomas’s size and my virtue.

I slipped my panties on and went back to bed. Thomas sat with his back to the headboard, leaning against some pillows. He eyed the only article of clothing I wore, but didn’t say anything as I climbed in next to him, the sheets a little cold and damp from our sweat.

I gave him a small, embarrassed smile and looked down to my black cotton undies. “I’m leaking, so…”

He glanced away, his face growing red. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind.” I cupped his face, stroking his cheek.

“I hurt you.” His pained eyes wouldn’t look anywhere near me.

“Thomas, look at me.”

Navy eyes flicked up to meet mine.

“Tonight was amazing. Every second of it. You were so loving, and I
know
you tried to be as gentle as you could.” I knotted my fingers with his and squeezed. “You did nothing wrong.” I hugged his arm, leaning my head on his shoulder.

He kissed the top of my hair, then rested his head against me. We stayed like that for several minutes, until I got cold.

“Come on,” he said, pulling the covers back. “Let’s get some sleep.”

Lying on my back, I looked up at the ceiling as I’d mentally cursed myself for–I glanced at the clock next to me–oh, about an hour now.

I hated what I did to Em, how I was too rough, how I’d only ended up hurting her. I’d tried to rein it in, but then she wrapped her legs around me and kissed me,
encouraging
me, of all things. I was too weak. I caved and took what she offered. Now I felt like shit.

Emily stirred next to me, peering over her shoulder to look back at me, her eyes heavy with sleep. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” I rolled onto my side, draping my arm over her as I pulled her small body into me, her bare skin cool against mine.

“Can’t sleep?” she asked, snuggling closer to me.

“I already slept.” 

She flopped over onto her other side, facing me as she propped herself up on her elbow. “What do you mean you already slept? We only went to bed four hours ago.”

I mirrored her position and rested my head on my hand. “We only need two or three hours of sleep a night. I already got that, so I’ve been up for a while.”

Her brows furrowed. “But…you always sleep next to me all night.”

“I
lie
next to you all night. I’m only asleep for a fraction of that time.”

“What do you do the rest of the time?”

I shrugged. “Cuddle. Watch you sleep.”

She lowered her eyes as her cheeks reddened. “Doesn’t that get boring?”

“Nope.” I leaned in, kissing the tip of her nose.

She smiled and rolled her eyes, then lay down onto her back. Her hair fanned out around her head, creating an inky halo on her pillow. I stayed on my side, propped up on my elbow as I looked down at her. She bit her bottom lip while she stared up at the ceiling, clearly lost in thought.

“What is it?”

She chewed her lip for a second more before saying, “What did you do–exactly–when you worked for Isaac?”

“I was his second in command. Once enemy clusters were located, I went in and–” I paused, not sure how much of the truth I should tell her. How would she react if she found out I was a killer?

She tensed next to me and lowered her voice. “Did you kill them?”

My heart seized with dread, skipping a beat before thumping erratically. 

She tensed. She fucking
tensed.

I should’ve lied. I should’ve made up some bullshit job so she didn’t have to know how much of a monster I really was. And holy hell, did it hurt to have her tense up next to me. Knowing she was scared of
me
was like a knife to the heart. 

My lungs started to burn, and I belatedly realized I was holding my breath. I exhaled slowly, breathing a “Yes,” to her question. “I led a group of twenty. We had recon teams that found enemy clusters, then turned over the information to us and we went in… But Em, please understand, we were
at war
with each other. Casualties are bound to happen.” 

She sat up and faced me, a crease etched between her brows as she looked at me, though I knew she couldn’t really see me that well in the dark. “How many people did you kill?”

I draped my arm over my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see her looking at me like that anymore. “I– I don’t really know.” I cleared my throat. “Too many to count.”

She didn’t say anything. The silence got to be unbearable and I mumbled, “I shouldn’t have told you,” as I sat up and got out of bed.